Royal Secrets

[Cedar]

 

I had an idea and immediately started writing the most self-indulgent thing at 1 am. I don’t have a specific time period that this takes place in but I’ll just say medieval times with numerous historical inaccuracies. Yea, okay bye

——————

 

“HALT! THIEF!”

The sound of footsteps ricocheted off the walls of a dark corridor. One pair of light swift steps followed by at least a dozen sets of clanking armor. Aurelia didn’t have time to count how many guards were after her as she ran down the rain slicked street.

Pulling her black cloak further over her face she reached the end of the alleyway, pushing into the crowded marketplace and blending in with the flow of bustling bodies. The thief took one last look at the sparkling golden bracelet she snatched off some noblewoman before stuffing it into her dress pocket as she weaved between the numerous bodies flooding the small shopping area. All that was left to do was make the trek back to the small camp she set up on the outskirts of town the week prior. After gathering what little things she’d left behind Aurelia would abandon this kingdom, off to wherever she hadn’t already been chased out of. As the guards struggled to make their way through the oblivious townspeople, the thief internally celebrated, deeming her latest heist a success!

She sniffed quietly as she walked, her small yet wide nose wriggling around in a manner akin to that of a bunny’s. Aurelia had always struggled with these seasonal colds, ever since she was a child. No doctors could ever find the cure and recommended her to simply stay inside until the grasses and trees die out in the cold.

The rain always made the constant itch in her sinuses seem to get worse, as if she was reacting to the very forces of nature themselves. The gentle drizzle coupled with the warm spring air made the valley she found herself in humid and uncomfortable, which meant a stuffy nose and ticklish throat for even the least sensitive persons. Her nose burned as she pinched it between her fingers, forcing it to behave until she reached a more private area and had shaken off the kingdom’s guards completely.

“Spring blossoms for sale!” Shouted an elderly woman standing near a cart full to the brim of freshly picked flowers, a small umbrella shielding them from falling raindrops. She held a small bouquet of what appeared to be daisies mixed with some long strands of wild grasses and various other flowers.

As Aurelia kept her head down and listened out for the sounds of clinking metal on cobblestone, she failed to observe her surroundings. Not realizing she was walking past the flower cart til she could smell them. Once the flowery smell invaded her senses, it was already too late.

Her nose twitched, the floral scent aggravating her already sensitive nasal passages. Aurelia’s pale cheeks and nose flushed a soft pink under her hood. Her wide nostrils flared with need, which in consequence, allowed more of nature’s gifts to torment her. A sneezing fit was on the horizon and her nose would not be held at bay for long. She needed to get out of there, now.

Still looking down, Aurelia picked up the pace a little, making note of the closest alleyway to duck into. Too focused on her great escape, the young woman bumped into the elderly shopkeeper, jostling her slightly.

Startled, the thief raised her head, revealing a pair of wide brown eyes just slightly hidden behind strands of golden hair. Face to face with the old woman, Aurelia flushed, deepening the shade of her already pink cheeks. “S-Sorry ma’am, are you-”

The old woman shoved her bouquet in Aurelia’s face with a wrinkly smile, “I’d feel better if you bought these flowers!” She chuckled.

It was all too much, the strong smell of flowers felt as if they were crawling around inside her nostrils. The scent swirled around her, mingling with a day’s worth of pollen that lay trapped within her membranes just begging to be sneezed out. “Hhiihh-hEH” she hitched, as her nose quivered against the torturous flowers, desperate for relief. 

Aurelia tried to hold her breath but the universe truly seemed out to get her. A long strand of grass danced its pointed green tip across her septum, like it were being controlled by some invisible force. “O-Ohh mY-,” She sucked in a breath, unknowingly helping it find its way inside her cavernous nostril. Just as it flicked the rim of those flushed red caves, Aurelia’s composure shattered.

“aATSCHIEW! HEITCHIEW H-HIIH! HEISTCHEEEWW!!!” A barrage of three back bending sneezes burst free, thrusting her face deeper into the flowers that itched her so.

“O-Oh n-no I-HAAATSSHIEEW!” Aurelia could barely speak as she stumbled backwards, away from the woman and her treacherous flowers.

The elderly woman grimaced and backed away from the snotty explosive mess that Aurelia had become. Several passersby stopped to find out where the sudden burst of noise emanated from. Those closest to the woman cringed as they practically ran from the blasts of spray following each sneeze.

Face red with embarrassment, Aurelia tried to get away from the attention, something in the back of her mind reminding her of the guards still searching for her. Unfortunately, her body would once again betray her, as her foot caught on the edge of her dress, sending her crashing into the very cart that started this whole mess.

“HHEEAA-IIIEETSHEEEW!! Hoh gOD AAHK-SSCHIIIEEE HAAATCHIEEEWW!!! Nndooh.” Aurelia laid in a pile of her own personal poison. Back pressed against the toppled over cart, her long blonde hair shone in the sunlight, abandoned by her black cloak. Flowers covered her head to toe, teasing her red flared nostrils with their mere presence. She could do nothing but sneeze and whimper as the people of the market stood around gawking and whispering at the commotion.

With all the sudden noise, several sets of armed guards broke through to the front of the crowd. Not quite sure what they were looking at, only one of them stepped forward, a small smirk hidden under his chainmail helmet.

“Well well well. Looks like our thief has a case of the sniffles” He chuckled, grabbing the small woman by the arm and yanking her up.

Aurelia felt herself be shoved into a pair of arms that quickly backed away as mucus continued to drip out of her.

“Bahhack…OFF-..IIIHHSSCHUUU!…hhHEEGH-TSSCHIIIEEE!!! hAH-” Despite her seemingly endless fit, Aurelia continued to try and fight her way free. But try as she might, the guards merely watched as she stumbled and sneezed, not making any headway in her escape. Some of them even had the audacity to laugh at her!

“Alright alright, enough of this.” One guard spoke, grabbing the girl’s wrist before trapping her arms in steel chains. “Let’s get her an audience with the queen.”

That short sentence signaled her doom. Aurelia hardly knew anything about this kingdom or what their monarchy was like. The plan was to find a place to sleep, steal some valuables, and be off before anyone was the wiser. That’s what she had spent half her life doing. Aurelia didn’t get caught and she certainly didn’t appear in front of royals.

“Wehh-..wait I..iisstchuu! Come on!!” Aurelia thrashed in the restraints, kicking, screaming, and sneezing as she went.

As she was trudged away by her wrists, dress covered in squashed flower petals and her upper lip shiny with clear mucus, Aurelia knew her lucky streak was coming to an end. While forced to do the walk of shame through the marketplace she caught the eye of the elderly flower woman and glared beneath her hood. Which would’ve been considerably more menacing if she hadn’t sneezed while doing so…but Aurelia didn’t have the chance to consider how she came across as the chains dragged her begrudgingly forwards. Several guards continued to mock the woman’s disheveled appearance and sneezy stupor as they led her to the castle.

[Bloogap]

This has an enjoyable read, a sort of sneeze while hiding variation is always good fun haha. It's also interesting how different periods/cultures try to label allergies without using the actual word, and 'seasonal colds' is a term I should try out some day.

[Rogertheegg]

The Queen should lock her in a tower and then fill her whole room with flowers. Punishment by sneezing. Either that or she has bad allergies as well.

[kushamizuki]

On 7/21/2024 at 9:15 PM, Rogertheegg said:

The Queen should lock her in a tower and then fill her whole room with flowers. Punishment by sneezing. Either that or she has bad allergies as well.

why not both? a queen with bad allergies who likes to use sneezing as punishment. 

[Catsgotyourtounge]

Please keep going 

[NoV]

'Sneezy stupor' is a great phrase  I like a great deal about this story as it taps into my particular my weakness for the medieval aesthetic, but also the uncontrollably large sneezes and pollen allergy are top notch