You're a Mess But You're My Mess (Dead Boys Detective Agency - Edwin/Charles)

[RemedyBane]

Edwin and Charles have some catching up to do... Because everyone else already knows. And some people are less patient than others.

(Strong Language, please be advised)

 

You're a Mess But You're My Mess

Edwin had just had another row with Crystal and decided to take a walk while Charles calmed Crystal down. Even after their heart to heart back in the states, they still got on each other's nerves. He was stomping his way through London when he heard a familiar voice from an alleyway.

"Boy troubles?" The leather clad man was leaning against the brick wall of a townhouse, looking somehow bored and entertained at the same time.

"How are you in London?" 

'Honey, I’m the Cat King, I can go wherever I want," he strolls over to Edwin and gently lifts his chin, "such a handsome face shouldn't be so upset. Even if that little forehead wrinkle is adorable." he gently poked it, making the smaller man brush him off, "Tell me what's wrong."

"It is no business of yours, please," he made to walk away but the Cat King cut him off, now chest to chest. 

He bent down and gently sniffed his neck, "You smell different to other ghosts i've encountered." 

"Oh? I regret that I’ve left my aftershave back with my body," he lifted the Cat King's face up.

"Testy," he bit air, showing all teeth, "It's not a bad thing. You just smell..." he sniffed again, "Desperate."

"Now what does desperate smell like?" Edwin rolled his eyes.

"I can't explain it any more than you can explain to me the color red."

"The colour red is passion and danger-"

"don't actually explain it to me," now it was the King's turn to roll his eyes, "You would have an answer."

Edwin was starting to get even more upset now, defeating the whole purpose of this walk, "What in God's name do you want from me?"

"I want you and your little friend to get your shit together."

"Excuse me?" 

"Ya know," he gestured vaguely in the air, "Get it on, get frisky, hanky panky-"

"Enough!" If Edwin could blush, he would be bright pink at the moment, "my activities are my own business-"

"So, you are fucking?"

"No!" Edwin wanted to smack him for his crass, "If you must know, Charles does not share my feelings-" He looked up from where he had been staring the ground, "-which changes nothing."

"You think he doesn't love you?" The king physically sighed, his whole-body sagging, "oh you children are killing me."

"Why do you care? Last we met you wanted to haul my ashes, sort to speak."

"You do realize that you're a ghost, right? and that's the term you want to use to say sex?" 

"You're avoiding my question."

"Ugh," He sighed again before hugging him, "oh you poor thing. I have a little gift for you then."

"Is this the gift? A hug?" 

"Yes," He let go and tapped his nose, a sparkle coming to his eyes that made Erwin worried, "You'll understand soon enough; and when you do, come find me."

"Edwin!" 

Edwin turned to the sound of his name, and by the time he looked back, the Cat King was gone, "oh, I loathe hugs." He shivered uncomfortably.

"Mate!" Charles caught up to him, "I thought somethin' happened to ya, you've been gone so long."

"I apologize, Charles, I got caught up," he looked back at the alley way.

Charles raised a brow and looked down the same alley, "Catch a case, did ya?"

"No," Edwin blindly grabbed Charles arm, more specifically his bicep, and turned them both around to head to the office.

"What was in the alley?"

"Nothing we need to worry about now," Edwin let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Now that he felt Charles arm, he was aware of how much calmer he felt. The previously lingered feeling of the Cat King's touch disappeared, and now all he could feel was Charles. It was an odd sensation. Ghosts were not meant to feel, smell, or taste, but every time Charles touched him, he truly felt it; like he was alive again. If he focused hard enough, he could just make out the slightest bit of cigarette smoke on Charles jacket; but that was probably just his imagination. Edwin was snapped out of his thoughts by a loud noise.

Charles felt him jump, "Sorry Mate," he chuckled and pulled him closer, arm now around Edwin's waist, "didn't mean to startle you."

"Forgive me, I wasn't listening. Did you say something."

Charles looked over at Edwin slightly concerned but still smiled, "No, Mate, I just-" He paused, face scrunching up a bit, before he took a deep breath, "IGHKT-chuh." 

"God Bless you, Charles," Edwin stopped walking and turned Charles to look at him, "is that what that loud noise was earlier? A sneeze?" 

"Yeah, guess it was," Charles rubbed his nose lightly, 'I haven't sneezed in over 30 years, now, have I?"

"Ghosts don't sneeze." 

Charles shrugged, "maybe i'm getting a cold." 

"We are dead, we don't get colds," Edwin was even more concerned now, "and now you've sneezed twice." 

"Th'huuh..three-" Charles lifted his shirt over his face and turned away, "HATch-huueh!" 

"Would you stop that!" Edwin pulled at his arm.

"I had to sneeze!" 

"Not that," Edwin looked offended he would even think he was asking him to stop something he had no control over, "whatever you're doing with your fingers."

"Oh?" Charles put his shirt down and looked at Edwin, "stifling?" 

"What is that?" 

"It's when you suppress a sneeze. It's easier for me to do it with my fingers pressed against my nose," He pinched his nose shut for a second before letting go.

"Why on earth would you do that for? It seems so… painful." Edwin realized his mistake when Charles looked away and swallowed thickly, "OH... oh I see."

"No, you don't see shite."

"Charles," he pulled him into the next alley, so they could have privacy, even though no one could see them to begin with, "My oldest friend. You are not home. You know you do not need to be quiet or...or… subservient? I can't imagine what you've been through, and I don't want to ask you if you are not ready to speak of it. Just please, don't hurt yourself for my benefit."

"I scared you," Charles had a little bit of tears in his eyes.

"I was simply too deep in thought; anything would have startled me." Edwin fixed Charles jacket, which had gone a bit askew after his sneezing fit, "do you always sneeze in threes?" 

Charles chuckled, "always the detective," he gently placed his forehead against Edwin's for a second, "I don't really rememb'hiih-" he turned off to the side, hands cupped in front of his face, "EADHschiew!" 

"Goodness, Bless you," Edwin wrapped an arm around him and helped him back up, "is that any better?" 

"It doesn't hurt, to stifle, I mean," he sniffed, "but it does feel a tad better." 

"Do you have any other symptoms?" Edwin began touching his throat, "no rashes, sudden lumps, or bouts of combustion?"

"Edwin," He took his hands in his, "I don't have tuberculosis, or rickets, or whatever you're thinking of. It's probably a ghost cold. Let's just go home before you drive yourself proper mad, alright?" 

"If you insist," Edwin pursed his lips, still not satisfied, "but I will be keeping an eye on you."

"Cheeky," Charles winked, "I like it when you look at me." 

"Don't tease." 

"You're my best mate. I get jelly when you look at other people. I am always the best lookin' person in the room, aren't I?" 

"You already know the answer to that," he gently swatted his hip, "don't be... fresh."

Charles laughed, eyes shining with joy, "you're learnin'!" 

"Now if I could only get you to finish a word properly, we'd be mint."

"nevah!" Charles moved his arm up over Edwin's shoulders and hugged him from the side, "you love the way you talk, don't ya?" 

"I admit, it is strangely endearing. I did not know you could ask a question without meaning to ask a question."

"Rhetorical."

"Yes, but you do it a bit more... friendly? Rhetorical questions are usually sarcastic or demeaning in some way. You've found a way to make it kind."

Charles giggled a bit before ducking into his own shoulder, away from Edwin, "HUtdsch." 

"God bless you-"

"Mate, you can just say 'bless'. You'll lose your voice-Tdschuh, oh blimey." 

"I cannot lose my voice," Edwin moved his hand up to gently rub Charles back as they walked home.

"And I can't sneeze, but I am, aren't I?" Charles was still smiling, no heat to it at all.

'Touché."

"Gesundheit."

Edwin made a displeasing sound but still smiled back at Charles, "You are incorrigible." 

"Yeah, maybe," he shrugged.

"You have no idea what that means, do you?" 

"Nope," Charles grinned and looked down at the ground, "But i'm sure you'll tell me."

"No," Edwin squeezed Charles' side, "you're unwell. I believe I shall leave the teasing and name calling for when you are in better spirits."

-------------------

"Charles, Dearest," Edwin was sitting at his desk, reading a book, eyes barely looking over the pages to glance at Charles, who was in the throes of another sneezing fit, "are you quite sure you are well?" 

Charles but his hands down before getting up and walking over to the desk, sitting on the corner, as he usually did, "I am starting to feel a bit... itchy?" 

"Itchy?" Edwin put the book down and looked at him, now noticing the red rim around his normally perfect eyeliner, "It almost appears..."

"As if I’m having a proper allergy attack? yeah, I gathered," he rubbed at his eyes absently, "Maybe one of the new artifacts we acquired are giving me hayfever?" 

"Perhaps you're having a delayed reaction to the toadstool we fought." Edwin got up and put his face close to Charles, looking directly into his eyes, "hold still a moment."

"I can't," Charles weakly pushed him away, "Hatshah!" he sneezed down his front, also misting Edwin, "Etdschiew! ETschiew! hiiuhh.. UTdschuh!" 

"My word," he pulled out a handkerchief he only kept for when Charles would cry, "you're a right mess," he gently wiped the tears from Charles face then let the younger man blow his nose. 

"Ugh," his eyes looked almost swollen, "think we need to do some research. I'm starting to feel a tad dizzy."

"Right," Edwin put his hand on Charles' forehead then onto his cheek, "you have no fever, that is a good sign."

"Think we might need some help," he lifted the handkerchief to his face and muffled another sneeze, "I can't read like this."

"Fine," Edwin pinched his lips together and straightened his suite, "I will get Crystal, but I won't be polite about it."

"I would expect nothing else," he said, trying to hide his amusement.

"Go lay down on that couch, there," Edwin patted his side, "up you go. You need to get comfortable. This may take a while."

--------------------

Edwin appeared in the mirror mere moments after he left, "she is on her way and in a most difficult mood today."

"It is four in the morning, Babe," Charles had his eyes closed, trying to find some way to be comfortable, and unaware of the term he used.

Edwin just stared at him, the words of the Cat King ringing in his ears ' you think he doesn't love you?'   He shook his head, trying to rid himself of that entire interaction. It was just a Freudian slip. Nothing to ponder about. 

"Right," Charles sat up, "What book do you want me to start with?" he rubbed his eyes and sighed, "I can't promise I won't sneeze on your precious books-"

"None of that," Edwin came over and pushed Charles back down to the couch, "you need to rest. If this is a cold, it's the best remedy. But if it is an allergy, we don't know if it's the artifacts, which have been placed by the books. No use making you worse."

"Oh, good point." He let his hand fall, hand stretched out off the couch, inches from Edwin's hand, "maybe I should get out for a bit? Let you read in peace?" 

"How can I read in peace with Crystal in hearing distance?" 

Charles chuckled and reached out to interlock their pinkies, "It'll be easier than me sneezing, yeah?" 

"You do not bother me," Edwin stepped closer, "Nothing you do bothers me."

"Aw Mate," he squeezed his pinky slightly. 

The two of them were just staring at each other when Crystal came in, loudly dropping her bag on the floor, "Why am I here?" 

Charles quickly took his hand back, making Edwin a bit upset, but when he saw it was not because of Crystal, but to bring his jacket over his face, "HUTDSCH-Hiew!" 

"What the actual fuck?!" 

-------------------------

"I've gone through 10 books and not a single one says anything about Ghost illnesses or allergies" Edwin pinched the bridge of his nose out of frustration.

"And it's not easy with Charles sneezing every two seconds!" 

"Sorry-"

"Don't you take that tone with him," Edwin waited for Charles to sneeze before continuing, "He is not the bother here. We will find something and until then, Charles is suffering. Do not take your frustrations out on him."

"Like you're doing to me?" Crystal stood up.

"Knock it off, you two," Charles stood up, "Edwin, thank you, but she's right. I'm just distracting..." he turned away momentarily to stifle into his elbow, somehow making it entirely silent.

"Charles-" Edwin stood up, horrified of what Charles had just done, "Please-"

"Nah, it’s all right," Charles came back up, smiling as he always did, "I could use the fresh air anyway. Maybe I'll feel better." 

"i'll come with you-" 

"You are needed here," Charles saw the look in Edwin's eyes, "I'll be back. You just need some quiet time to... to'huuh.." he pinched his nose shut and silently sneezed twice, "oh.. sorry." 

"No apologies," Edwin bit the inside of his cheek.

"Seriously, you don't need to go," Crystal walked over and put a hand on his forehead, pretending not to see the flinch, "you don't feel well. You should be resting. I was being a bitch."

"I'm loud," Charles took her hand off his forehead before looking at Edwin, "I'll be back. Just a few hours."

"Hours?!" Edwin looked ready to throw the book instead of reading it.

"Find a cure, or a pill or whatevah, then come get me. I'll be in the park, alright?" Charles backed up slightly hands in the air until he disappeared in the mirror verse. 

"Now look what you've done," Edwin glared at Crystal.

"I'll apologize when we have something that can actually help him. He looks awful."

Edwin swallowed down his retort and just opened his book.

---------------

Charles walked into the nearest park and sat down on a bench. His nose felt like a million bees were buzzing inside. Thankfully, he didn't feel any congestion, so no gross snot running down his face, but he was still embarrassed. He had never told anyone how his father would hit him if he ever sneezed at the dinner table or while they had company over. He was taught to be seen and not heard. That's why he stifled most of his life. Now that he thought about it, the only time he remembered sneezing outright was when he was dying. He was too weak to suppress them. The chill setting deep into his bones. Edwin was there.

He smiled a bit, remembering how he didn't seem to mind that Charles kept coughing and sneezing. Of course, he was asking if he was alright. If he wanted another blanket or a handkerchief; knowing it would not do anything more than comfort him. Edwin had always made him feel comfortable. 

He took a deep breath, expecting another sneeze to interrupt his calming exercise, but none came. 

"This is so strange," Charles put his head in his hands, "Ghosts don't get colds… They aren't allergic-" A lightbulb went off. Literally, the streetlamp across the street suddenly turned on, after being broken for days. 

Going with his gut, he walked further into the park and looked around. It seemed silly, but maybe what he was allergic to in life, was the same thing that is making him react now. Maybe being locked in the irons had made him a bit more mortal. He passed many flower bushes, grass, and duck feathers, but not finding what he was looking for. He was almost going to give up before he found a flower shop that just opened. He hadn't realized he'd been gone for so long, that it was nearly sunrise. There, sitting in the front of the shop, were bouquets and bouquets of Red Roses, "yes." 

He jogged up the front, first seeing if the store owner could see him, but no matter how he waved or danced, the human just kept going about their business as usual. Now that he was closer to the roses, he felt a bit nervous. When he was alive, roses sent him into fits. He couldn't be in a room with them without becoming a mess of snot and tears. The idea of just putting his face in them and sniffing them sounded much better when he was on the other side of the park; rose pollen free. Besides, this was silly. There were no flowers in the office. Oh, but there is rose water. Is that the same thing? His brain wasn't working in his favor. 

Swallowing down his fear, he knelt by the flowers and took a big whiff. He scrunched his eyes closed, waiting for the inevitable; but nothing happened. He didn't feel anymore need to sneeze than he had been on the bench. Opening his eyes, he finally got a good look at the flowers, "Huh.. I guess I can see why people like you so much." 

"Why are you talking to flowers?" Edwin was suddenly right beside him, book in hand.

"Did you find something?" Charles stood straight, excited to see his friend, then suddenly ducked away from him, "HiH-HAdshcuh!!" 

"Blessings," Edwin handed him the book, "This is all i've found-" he paused, slight smile on his face, "Bless you, as I was saying, the only way you could be having an allergic reaction is if someone has cursed you."

"So we just gotta do some kinda magic-" Charles handed him the book back quickly before sneezing off to the side, "HUTDS!chiew. ETscH!iew"

"We need to find who cursed you first and foremost," Edwin closed the book and frowned, "oh Charles, I am so sorry you are in such a state." 

"Why?" Charles cupped his hands in front of his face again, "HESchuh... You didn't do this to me."

"I suppose not," Edwin allowed Charles to take his arm again, "You do sound dreadful, and for that I am sorry."

"I have a violent sneeze," Charles pinched his nose and gave it a good rub.

Edwin found himself staring at the way his thumb and pointer finger moved against the appendage. It was oddly sensual, watching him rub. He found himself almost reaching out, but quickly snapped out of it and placed his free hand also on Charles' arm.

"You alright?" 

"Yes, just thinking," Edwin chanced a glance back up, now noticing that the appendage was a bit red, raw, and flaring, "are you going to sneeze again?" 

"Have.. I.. St...stopped?" Charles brought his fist up, letting it press up against the underside of his nose, "HEmpt.. Empt.. Ehmpptt.."

"Stop that this instant," Edwin grabbed his wrist and pulled it down.

"I'm finished," he scrunched his nose up, and Edwin thought that was just the cutest thing he'd ever seen, "What are you thinking about?" 

"Why were you at the flower shop?" 

"Oh," Charles looked up at the sky as if the answered where in the stars somewhere, "It's stupid."

"I doubt that" Edwin squeezed his arm, encouragingly.

"I thought... Maybe... That what was making me sick is that same thing that made me sick as a living. That's bollocks, ain’t it?" 

"Just a moment," Edwin stopped him again, "are you allergic to flowers?"

"I was, but nothing happened when I was at the shop."

"You were sneezing when I found you."

"Nah, I wasn't," he furrowed his brow, "actually, I wasn't sneezin' while at the park at all. I started when you came-"

They both jumped away from each other.

"Are you allergic to anything else?" 

"But the flowers-"

"They could have been specific," Edwin took off his coat and looked at the inner lining, "do you have reactions to Wool?" 

"No," Charles bit his lower lip, "sometimes pineapple made my lips tingle, and... I was terribly allergic to cats. I couldn't be-"

"Cats?!" Edwin looked horrified.

"Yeah, they used to make me swell up like a balloon, it was right scary- Edwin, why are you taking off your clothes?" 

"I saw the Cat King."

"What?! And when were you going to tell me about this?"

"I didn't realize he had done something. He must have cursed me jacket-"

"I did no such thing," The Cat King appeared in the alley way, "all I did was give you a taste, of what you could have." He gestured to his own body.

"Oh, piss off," Charles glared as hard as his puffy eyes would let him.

"Oh, you are in no position to fight, sweetie," he came closer and gently nibbled Charles ear, making the younger man sneeze again and again.

"Leave him be," Edwin pulled Charles away from him and hugged him, letting Charles sneeze into him, hoping he could breathe as little dander as possible.

"Aww, how cute," The Cat King snapped his fingers and suddenly had Edwin's coat, "this was the problem by the way," he shook it and a purple puff of smoke washed over it, "there, no more cat hair, you're welcome."

"Why did you curse my jacket?" Edwin was still trying to soothe Charles, who was just now starting to slow down.

"I didn't curse anything. I knew Charles here was allergic. We cats, we just know. That's why I kept my distance from him at the boat dock. I'm the cat king, just because you’re dead, doesn't mean i can't still play with you." 

Charles coughed lightly into Edwin's shoulder.

"Are you alright, Charles?" Edwin pulled Charles off of him so he could see his face, "speak to me."

"Dizzy...' 

Edwin pulled him back to his chest and held him, "you could have killed him... or discorporate him."

"One, already dead, and two no I couldn't," He rolled his eyes, "I don't care for the puffy fingers. They can't get the right scratching place that way. All I did was give him the case of the sniffles. He'll be fine in a few minutes."

"WHY?" 

"Because, if you two weren't so blind to each other, you would have noticed hours ago that being near him made him sick. But of course, the idea of you two being apart was ridiculous, right?" 

"Are you trying to say we are toxic to each other?" Edwin was flabbergasted.

"Quite the opposite," he stepped closer and tapped Edwin's nose, "if he was willing to be that sick, just to be near you, don't you think that means he loves you too?" The Cat King smiled purred as the realization dawned on Edwin's face, "you are just deliciously adorable," he kissed his forehead before disappearing.

----------------------

Despite the few stray sneezes, Charles looked much better by the time they arrived at the office. His face was back to normal; nose no longer pink, eyes only rimmed with kohl, and handkerchief back in Edwin's pocket. Edwin did notice Charles wiggled his nose from time to time, probably still feeling a slight tickle. 

"What?" Charles heard the soft noise Edwin made.

"Nothing."

"You made a noise," Charles scrunched his nose up, "you alright?" 

"You erhm..." Edwin took a deep breath, "I am glad I got to care for you, even if it was brief." 

"You've been taking care of me for 30 years," Charles smiled and interlocked their fingers, "but maybe next time I’ll get a proper cold so you can fuss over me again."

"Please don't worry me like this ever again," Edwin put his face in Charles shoulder, "no matter how adorable you look."

"Adorable?" 

Edwin did not mean to say that part out loud, "Nothing."

"What was adorable? My sneezing? Ruining your ancient handkerchief?" 

"You haven't ruined everything. It's magic," he took the cloth out and showed Charles, "besides, I don't mind it, you know this."

"Yeah, but it’s usually tears, not ecto-snot."

"Please don't call it that," Edwin stopped them before they got to the door, turning Charles to him, "but no, I do not mind your snot, or your sneezing, however loud you believe them to be." 

Charles looked down, a small smile on his face, "Thanks for not mindin' so much."

Edwin, in a rare show of wanting touch, reached up to put his hand on his cheek, "I meant what I said in hell. I am in love with you, even if you are all pink nosed and puffy eyed."

"Pink really is a good color on me."

"I concur," he gently tapped Charles’ nose.

"hih-HEtch!" Charles sighed, "aren't you tired of it?" 

"Of you? Never," Edwin chanced it and moved up to gently kiss Edwin's cheek, "now let's get you inside."

"Ya know, I'm still feeling a bit sneezy," Charles sniffed for emphasis, "maybe I should lay down."

"I could read to you while you get some rest."

"I would love that, yeah," Charles laid down on the couch, grabbing a blanket, eagerly waiting for Edwin to join him.

Once Edwin sat down on the couch, Charles moved to place his head in his lap.

"I thought we could continue our re-reading of Sherlock Holmes," Edwin gently began to run his fingers through Charles' hair.

Charles sighed contentedly, "yeah, I’d like that, Love." 

 

 

 

 

[funbusej]

Well, this was just the sweetest story ever!  I would love to read more about these 2!