The Catalyst (Caleb/Essek: Critical Role)

[Comfortandstuff]

 

 

cat·a·lyst

• [ˈkadləst]

noun

• a substance that increases the rate of a chemical or arcanic reaction without itself undergoing any permanent chemical change

  • a person or thing that precipitates an event

---------------------------

The bitter wind swept across Caleb's face as he opened his eyes. An unfamiliar sight greeted him— jagged black mountains towering under a slate gray sky swirling with snow. Caleb swallowed nervously, shutting his eyes briefly as if to wish his surroundings away. He opened his eyes again: to no avail.

The teleportation had failed. Shit.

He should have expected that; The proximity of Aeor made for ineffective and chaotic magical transportation. He cursed himself for his own carelessness as he fumbled through his satchel for a smooth stone wrapped tightly with copper wire.

Pulling it free, his amber hair battering against his cheeks in the nipping wind, he clutched the stone tightly with one hand and held his free arm to his face as a shield from the cold. He could already feel it biting at the tip of his nose.

Caleb stared at the stone-- it's coloring mimicked that of swirling night skies, and moreover, the rich, twilight skin of a very dear friend. A melancholy sigh escaped him, his jaw clenched with disappointment in the failure.

Out of all the people Caleb had wished to impress in his life- and there were many- there was no one that had ever come close to Shadowhand Essek Thelyss.

He and Caleb were preparing to embark on their journey to Aeor, a promise of return shared deep within the ruins between the two of them mere months ago, and Caleb's teleportation was the effective last step before takeoff in the morning.

Caleb had eagerly awaited the trip for months now, though he was thankful for the bout of rest. He had seen all of the Nein at points throughout their newfound retirement, but he was yet to see Essek. The vision of Essek's luminous eyes of pale lilac, sparkling like amethyst, had danced in Caleb's mind for weeks now, only bettered by the echoes of his voice— ariose and rich.

Well, at least he would hear his voice. The eyes, Caleb determined, would be met as soon as possible.

He held the sending stone to his lips- crafted only a few days ago- and spoke cautiously.

"Essek, it's Caleb. It seems my teleportation spell was ineffective. I'm afraid my arrival will be a bit later than expected. I'm in Eiselcross, I can tell by the weather and sky. Otherwise, I'm afraid I don't recognize much further. I apologize."

There was a weighted pause and Caleb froze with baited breath. Finally, Essek's voice echoed back in Caleb's mind, taut with concern.

"Oh, Caleb, I am sorry to hear of these mistidings. Do not apologize— Eiselcross can be tricky. We will figure this out together. Are there any discernable landmarks or features to your surroundings?”

Thankful for the sound of Essek's voice and his ability to work well under pressure, Caleb sighed with relief and allowed himself a small smile. He glanced around the desolate, rocky landscape, and nodded despite Essek not being able to see him. "Mountains. Jagged black stone, that come to five steep points. The sky is overcast."

"Ah, I see. That sounds like the Ashkeeper Peaks in Eiselcross," Essek said. "I can send my echoes to retrieve you. It's about two hours north of here."

"No need," Caleb said quickly, embarrassed enough by the mishap. He would be fine. "I will make my way to your outpost. This was my error, after all."

Essek's lips twisted with dissatisfaction. "It wouldn't be any trouble, Caleb, really."

"I'll be alright, Essek.” Caleb insisted. “You can spend your time doing something more useful while you wait..."

There was another decent pause before Essek sighed, a soft sound in Caleb's ear. "...Very well. Take surmountable caution. The terrain is difficult and dangerous beasts roam within the peaks. " A hesitation. "And Caleb— do stay warm."

"I will, my friend." Caleb promised, taken aback by the warmth that flickered in his chest at Essek's palpable concern. "My apologies for the delay. I'll move with haste."

"Think nothing of it," Essek assured him, his tone warmer but still cautious. "I will await your arrival. Be careful, please."

"Thank you, Essek..." Caleb lilted, his voice barely above a whisper.

The stone’s connection faded, leaving Caleb alone on the mountainside. He sighed and began trudging forward, making his way over the jagged rocks. The journey was worth it-- for Essek. In fact, for Essek, every moment would be worth it.

———————————————————————————

Caleb struggled through harsh winds and freezing temperatures as he made his way through the Ashkeeper Peaks. More than once, he nearly lost his footing on the icy rocks and tumbled to his death in the chasms below.

By the time night fell, Caleb was exhausted, shivering in his damp clothes. He was tempted to find a small alcove or cave and cast the dome— allowing himself some warmth— but truthfully, all he wanted was for the journey to be over. He wanted to see Essek.

So, he pushed on.

Finally, as night fell, Caleb arrived at the outpost, chilled to the bone. Essek emerged from the stone structure, his eyes widening at Caleb's disheveled state.

"I knew I should’ve sent for you." Essek hurried to Caleb's side, pressing a hand to his back. Caleb smiled as he felt Essek’s warmth radiate through his coat. “Are you hurt?”

"No, j-just c... cold.” Caleb admitted through chattering teeth. “The t-terrain was more difficult than I ant...anticipated."

“Gods.” Essek cursed under his breath, hooking an arm around Caleb’s waist. “Come. We need to get you inside and into something dry.”

Essek used all of his meager strength to help Caleb inside, settling him in a chair by the fireplace. He moved, briskly, to light the fireplace— clearly, as a dark elf, it wasn’t something he used very often.

Though he could hardly keep his eyes open, Caleb could thankfully manage a simple cantrip. With a wave of his hand, the fireplace bloomed with warmth. Essek sent him a glare that would have been grateful, if he didn’t look so harried— the firelight illuminating the concern etched deep in his features.

"You should have sent word," Essek chided, worriedly. Though the man rarely made contact with the ground, he rose to his feet and planted them firmly on the floor, arms crossed. "I could have come for you, or at least provided supplies."

“It was my error, I didn’t want to trouble you.” Caleb explained, attempting to stave off the chill that was still causing his teeth to chatter.

Essek winced and his eyes softened. “Your safety is not a trouble to me.”

They both held eye contact, before a deep shiver wracked Caleb’s form again and he couldn’t help but release a shuddering breath, keeling over into himself and winding his arms around his shaking body.

“Oh, Caleb.” Essek sighed, empathy oozing from him, and looked around him in search of something that could help. “You’re freezing.”

Essek paced for a moment, muttering to himself. Finally, he inhaled with realization and hurriedly floated to a thickly knitted blanket thrown over the settee, before moving back to Caleb and gently draping it over his shoulders.

Essek's gentle hands settled on Caleb's shoulders, and a wave of warmth washed over him, soothing the lingering tension in his muscles. Caleb's heartbeat quickened for a moment before steadying into a peaceful rhythm. He smiled, trembling slightly less. “Thank you.”

“Of course...” Essek began, nearly waving him off. It was the least he could do. He thought for a moment, before continuing. “It won’t do, though. I’ll make you some tea— and you should take a hot shower. We need to get you warm.”

Caleb wanted to protest, mostly out of politeness or what semblance of dignity he wanted to keep, but the only thing he yearned for now was warmth. Essek was right. So, instead, he nodded in agreement.

“I’ll put some extra blankets in the guest room.” Essek relaxed, if only slightly, at Caleb’s submission. He turned to move, his ivory hair lightly shifting with the gravity that alluded him as he began to gently float again.

“Essek?” Caleb stopped him, unmoving from his chair. He spoke gently, his eyes glistening with honesty, and the lingering cold, and relief, and something else that made Essek want to sink back to the floor. “It’s good to see you.”

Essek inhaled gently, giving into the gentle, honest peace those words brought him. He smiled, earnestly.

“It’s good to see you, Caleb.”

———————————————————————————

Essek decided on a hearty stew in an attempt to warm Caleb up. Lighting his stove, he gathered the ingredients and began to boil broth and chop vegetables, giving Caleb a bit of privacy to tend to his needs.

Caleb allowed himself a hot shower, persuaded by a concerned Essek, and was thankful he was so insistent. After five minutes, the warm blanket of water had eased Caleb's wracking shivers and the steam mingling with Essek's soap, a charcoal bar with small flecks that smelled just like him- seductive, sweet, and airy- comforted him. He shut his eyes gently and did his best to breathe in the warm air as it worked to warm his skin-- gentle, and caressing the hell from his bones.

When he stepped out of the shower, he changed into a thick wool sweater and pants and set his clothes by the fire to dry. His auburn hair was still slightly damp and his cheeks were flushed with newfound warmth, but he looked far more alive than he had even minutes ago.

Peering out the door, he finally had the bandwidth to take in Essek's chambers. The decor and structure mimicked Essek's tower in many ways, but where he stood now was far more cozy and inviting. Whether it was the smaller scale, the crackling fireplace, or the mingling of deep purples and grays with slightly warmer tones, there was something about this place that felt more like Essek's home than Essek's tower— which was his real home.

The pleasant fragrance of a simmering meal filled the air, mingling with the scent of old parchment and magical components that always seemed to cling to Essek. Caleb was comforted to know Essek was still ever the academic he used to be, even here.

Essek did look different. While he was accustomed to seeing him baring his wide mantle, adorned with fine metals and draped with luscious velvets and silks, he looked far more... what was the word?

Cozy.

It suited him. Though, Caleb admitted it would be a cold day in Hell when Essek Thelyss wasn't the most attractive man he'd ever laid eyes upon.

His skin, a rich smoky purple, perfectly contrasted his white eyelashes and hair; light lilac freckles danced beautifully against his cheeks and bridge of his nose like lively constellations. His face was angular and chiseled-- the picture of youth, and indisputably, an exhibition of perfection.

His eyes, though, told a story of many years more. Wisdom, experience, pain, knowledge, and reality sat behind irises that could be mistaken for swirling galaxies.

Caleb could lose himself in them for hours.

And he would have, had he not realized that in order to stare into someone's eyes, they have to be staring into yours. Breaking Essek's gaze, which thankfully had only just met his, he smiled.

"Hello." Essek spoke softly, pausing the chopping of vegetables and wiped his hand on a towel draped neatly over his shoulder.

One year ago, Caleb would not have expected to be taking in this sight. It was endearing. "Hello."

Essek placed his hands on the counter, leaning in slightly. "You look warmer."

"Yes, thank you very much." Caleb nodded, gratefully. "I apologize for the misfire, I've never had a teleportation spell fail in such a way."

"Oh, not at all, magic's are strange here. If anything, I should be apologizing. That's a miserable trek." Essek shook his head, firmly reassuring him. Caleb could hardly hear his gentle voice over the pounding of icy rain against the window and moved in closer, shivering at the near memory of being pummeled with it.

"It would be pointless to deny it..." Caleb half-chuckled and trailed off, swiping at his nose. He raised a hand and gestured to Essek's surrounding chambers. "This has me feeling much better, already, though. I appreciate you being so thoughtful-- and I can never deny my admiration for your taste."

"I’m pleased you’re here in person to appreciate it.” Essek began, truly flattered. “I must say, I was largely inspired by your tower. I had gotten so used to magic only serving such large purposes, I had forgotten that I could use it to... elevate my circumstances, so to speak."

"You've certainly done so.” Caleb looked around, nodding and smiling. “I'm honored to have served as even a semblance of inspiration to such a prolific caster such as yourself."

"I could say the same to you.” Essek countered. “I suppose it's a benefit to keeping company with prodigies: incessant inspiration."

Caleb chuckled. "It's a perk."

Caleb and Essek shared a moment of silence, uncertain if it was comfortable or tense.

Was it both?

Caleb watched as Essek deftly organized an array of ingredients on a wooden cutting board and inhaled deeply as the sight began to relax him. The sharp odor of fresh rosemary stirred in Caleb's nose, mixed with something more robust and complex underneath. Before he could suppress it, a tickle arose as the scent hit his sinuses.

“Hgxch!” He managed to stifle the sneeze into near silence against his shoulder, rubbing at the bridge of his nose with his thumb to quench the itch before a second could come.

Caleb looked back to find Essek's ever-perceptive stare turned to him, his knife floating gently above the starch on the cutting board. "Bless you."

"Excuse me, thank you." Caleb rested a hand gently on the center of his chest and cleared his throat. The tickle wasn't really going away. In fact, now that he was paying attention, he noticed a growing tension in his head and a light buzz in the depths of his sinuses.

Great.

Just in time to reunite with his close, talented, attractive friend for the first time since he had saved his life— he was sick.

And of course, he wasn't the only one to notice.

"You sound like you're catching a cold..." Essek began, voice careful and concerned. He turned to fetch something from the counter, noticing Caleb still dealing with the aftermath of the sudden outburst, and sighed. "It wouldn't be any fault of your own in that weather. That reminds me— drink this."

Caleb glanced down as Essek pushed a steaming mug of fragrant tea towards him. He laid his head in his hands. "You've already gone to too much trouble for me."

Essek furrowed his brow and stopped in his tracks.

"You apparated in the middle of nowhere and made a tiresome journey on your own to this outpost in the cold, you're the only who has gone to trouble." Essek stopped, holding eye contact with Caleb who stared back at him slightly stunned by Essek's insistence. "You won't be getting Pneumonia on my watch, Caleb Widogast— now, please, drink the tea."

No arguing with that.

Caleb gave a humble nod, with a quiet exhaled chuckle, and brought the mug to his lips. Essek exhaled contentedly, returning to the stew before him.

"Could I help you make dinner?" Caleb asked, delicately. He wanted to at least feel useful, if ill. "It'll make me feel better; give me something to do."

Essek paused, studying his friend for a moment before finally giving in to the sincerity in Caleb's eyes. "That I can allow, for the time being. If you start faring worse, my answer may change."

Caleb grinned warmly at Essek's answer and moved to stand beside him at the kitchen counter. He took another sip of tea, thoughtfully prepared with honey and lemon. He could feel the heaviness of congestion in his head shifting. It tickled.

Caleb sniffled, politely. “What are we making, then?”

“It’s an old Xhorhasian recipe. Braised dusk boar with winter vegetables and herbs. Perfect for the cold.” Essek stirred the bubbling broth and aromatics, before smiling gently at Caleb peering over his shoulder. “I wasn’t joking when I told you all I was a fan of simple stews.”

“I never doubted you.” Caleb nodded, smiling back. It was interesting seeing Essek in a domestic setting such as this one. “What can I do?”

“You can chop these.” Essek smiled and handed him a cutting board, lined with all sorts of roots and greens Caleb hadn’t seen before. It was clear Essek’s kitchen was stocked as a Xhorhasian one, which made sense.

Thankfully, all he had to do was chop. He started with a root that looked something like a carrot, but purple. Caleb set to work slicing them into neat coins while Essek trimmed and cubed chunks of boar meat.

It was peaceful. The pattering of rain against the window barely peeking over the crackling of the fire and bubbling of the stew. It was a cacophony of white noise.

"Huh-T’cht!"

Disregarding the occasional outlier.

Caleb sneezed again, the sound muffled as he quickly buried his face into the crook of his elbow to avoid showering the carrots with any stray droplets.

“Bless you.” Essek hummed, in the most lullaby-appropriate tone Caleb had ever heard from him. That was endearing. “Or, gesundheit, I suppose.”

Caleb raised an eyebrow, turning from his elbow back to Essek.

That was endearing.

“Danke schön.” Caleb responded, unable to disguise the slight giddiness that crept up within him. “Well done. You’re a quick student of Zemnian, I see.”

“I’m learning.” Essek moved his gaze to meet Caleb’s and gave him a quick smirk. Caleb swallowed. "Would you hand me a few sprigs of thyme, please?"

Caleb passed it over, noticing the way Essek's long fingers gently pinched the small bundle of herbs. Their hands briefly brushed and Caleb's heart fluttered at Essek's cool touch.

“Thank you.” Essek politely added, which for some reason, softened Caleb in a simple way.

As they continued to work side by side, Caleb couldn't help but marvel at the simple pleasure of cooking together. Though they had collaborated on complex spells and intense scruples, this was a new experience for them both. It felt grounding in a way spell creation never could. The buzz in Caleb's brain and hands was at rest and there was something about him that was more present this way, though he couldn't pinpoint what.

Just as Caleb was about to add the freshly chopped roots to the pot, he felt another small tickle in his nose. He took a deep breath through his nostrils before quickly swinging away from the countertop and moving a few steps away from Essek, his forehead crinkling with the effort of suppressing the sneeze. His eyes were squeezed shut and his mouth open, where muffled noises escaped him as he tried desperately to keep it contained.

"Huh-tchoo!" Finally, after what felt like an eternity, an abrupt eruption sounded out; he had managed to catch it into his elbow. He pressed a hand to his chest and apologetically tilted his head, cheeks flushed.

"Bless you." Essek muttered softly and absent-mindedly, his eyes unmoving from the wooden cutting board. His voice was delicate and melodious, like church bells on a Sunday morning, and Caleb could almost feel it reverberating against his skin.

"Thank you, excuse me." Caleb nodded shyly from behind his wrist, cheeks still flushed pink from the exertion of suppressing yet another sneeze. He dropped his wrist momentarily, only to raise it seconds later to press against his sinuses gently in an act of relief; the pressure soothed the ache in the bridge of his nose.

Caleb opened his eyes again to catch Essek looking at him, concern creasing his brow. “Are you sure you’re alright? Warm enough?”

"Ja, I'm sorry. Had I known I would've been dropped into the freezing ocean, I would've come prepared with tonics and potions to prevent..." He gestured loosely at his sinuses. "-this."

"No need to apologize..." Essek shook his head reassuringly, a tangible sweetness behind his eyes.

The drow turned back to the counter, chopping as deftly and gracefully as Caleb would expect. A strand of hair had come loose from its perfect coif and fallen across Essek's forehead like an ivory curtain absconding the moonlight sky; Caleb couldn't help but admire how graceful even such a mundane task could look when done by someone so beautiful. He blinked, startled by his own progression of thoughts.

Woah. Settle down, Widogast.

Essek glanced up at Caleb's lingering gaze and pulled his lips into a smile that could only denote equal amounts of pity and amusement before returning to work again -- he chuckled, sorrowfully, his back to Caleb: "You don't do anything by halves, do you?"

Caleb only chuckled hollowly and extended his hand to Essek— who’s back was still to him. "Pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm Caleb Widogast."

"You're getting to be predictable, my friend." Essek laughed airily, stirring the chunks of fresh carrot into the simmering broth and tucking his hair, other than a stray curl, behind his ear. He inhaled deeply, letting the aromatics wash over his senses, before continuing gently. "Don't worry, you're not the first. This is nothing compared to the state I was in after my failed teleportation attempt to Eiselcross..."

Caleb studied Essek intently as he spoke. There was something so enchanting about him here and now. It was almost as if he were seeing Essek in his true element for the first time. His long fingers were a blur as he deftly chopped vegetables into neat little cubes and stirred the bubbling, herbaceous stew. There was something else, too. A true calm. Peace, even. Merely a year prior, Essek seemed as if he could hardly breathe. He was enigmatic, and untouchable, and burnt out.

Where there had been an undercurrent of softness beneath a forged cold and calculated exterior, here stood a man of pure gentility, and care, and such transparent kindness. A man that felt warm to breathe in. A man that felt safe.

Essek, in this moment, felt like home. Caleb hadn't felt home, like this, in a very long time.

Caleb continued to watch Essek, and think hard; the other man stirring the stew and detailing his failed excursion. He had apparently apparated directly above the freezing ocean and shared a very similar night of sneezing and sniffling mere months ago. Before he could chuckle at the irony, though, another tickle began to brew deep in his sinuses.

Ah, the power of suggestion.

Though Caleb pressed a knuckle against his nose in an attempt to stave off the itch, it only further aggravated the sensitivity. Taking a deep breath, he waited for it to pass, eventually giving up and diving into the collar of his shirt.

"Huh-P'tshoo!" As if sneezing into his shirt weren't enough, he lifted his elbow to provide a secondary shield. Grateful for the muffle, Caleb sneezed with more force this time and he couldn't help but let a small moan escape his lips as he felt the pressure in his head shift from the outburst.

Unfortunately, it was no help.

Essek turned over his shoulder as he heard Caleb's breath hitching again. "Hng'tschuu! Hih.. K-chh!"

Essek audibly winced, his expression bleeding empathy. He dropped the arm holding the wooden spoon to his side, feeling completely helpless. "Light, Caleb. Bless you."

"Ugh, I'm so sorry." Caleb blinked, lifting his face from his shirt and meeting Essek's gaze and sniffling as quietly as possible.

Essek gave an odd grin, dripping with sympathy, and gently set the ladle down. Holding a finger up, after a brief moment of silence, he moved to a side table in the living area.

"You know, it's interesting..." Essek mused, digging around in a tableside drawer. Withdrawing a handkerchief, neatly folded and perfectly creased, he paused to light a candle and continued. "The Dynasty doesn't have much by route of customs or manners when it comes to this sort of thing."

Caleb cocked a brow, confused. "Illness?"

"Sneezing, illness, pain. Really any of it..." Essek shrugged, his back to Caleb still, and elaborated. "-the blessing, for example. You would think a culture so steeped in faith would have some sort of version of it, yes?"

"No blessing for sneezing is sort of unusual, I would agree. Every language I know has some variation on the phrase." Caleb mused.

"Precisely..." Essek nodded, agreeing, and floated gently to Caleb. Grabbing Caleb's forearm with equal firmness and affection, he softly pressed the handkerchief into his hand with a gentle: "...Here."

Caleb dipped his head to look at the square of cloth. It was a deep purplish gray, matching Essek's aesthetic perfectly, and in the bottom right corner Essek's initials were embroidered in fine silver thread. The fabric called to Caleb's poor, red-rimmed nostrils, soft and inviting. He sighed, grateful. "Thank you."

Essek only smiled back, before continuing.

"Even a sneeze will earn you a hard look when you're in the Lucid Bastion. It's not born out of a lack of empathy; it's moreover the Dynasty's insatiable hunger for perfection." Essek explained, quick to clarify that his remark wasn't disparaging. Caleb found that endearing. "If I'm being transparent, sometimes I wonder if you would have met a kinder man had I been raised somewhere a bit less... austere."

"I will admit, when we first met you, you were a bit tough to crack. Knowing you now is almost like knowing a different man, although, I think this version of you has always been here."

"An interesting theory. A version of myself buried deep within a shell of coldness..." Essek muttered with a light chuckle, though Caleb noticed the laugh is big breathless and stunted— his shoulders tense as he stirred the stew.

"The real version of Essek. I prefer that one." Caleb continued, leaning back on the counter behind him. Essek's movement slowed almost imperceptibly and Caleb could see the faintest violet flush creeping from his neck. "The version that makes stew for a friend out of pure kindness, and welcomes him with a warm smile and roaring fire, and says 'bless you' to every sneeze."

Essek paused, attempting to find words that he didn’t have, and looked over his shoulder at Caleb with an expression he couldn’t discern. Clearly, his statement had made Essek feel something. The other man blinked, turning back to the stew.

"I'll never forget the evening I accidentally slipped a blessing to my brother, Verin, at the dinner table. He was pale and weak— clearly ill, but he never would’ve admitted it. Again, it was stigmatized.” Essek shook his head, his eyes distant as he reflected on the memory, before continuing. “I felt terribly for him. Anyway, he sneezed, and that earned a wicked glare from my mother. Out of instinct, I offered a blessing to him under my breath.”

“That’s sweet of you.” Caleb murmured, genuinely touched by the story. Essek rarely spoke about his brother, or his family for that matter.

Essek laughed, dryly. “I wish my mother agreed. She was furious; she believed it was a phrase only outsiders used – an absurd notion in her mind. She scolded me enough to send me into the next life. In fact, I think both Verin and I weren’t allowed to finish our dinner that night."

Caleb’s mouth incredulously twisted into a grimace. “That is harsh.”

"I can only imagine what choice words she would have for me now, after everything I’ve done and who I am despite her... If I still spoke to her, that is." Essek stopped stirring for a moment, the steam rising from the pot, and turned to meet Caleb's gaze. His eyes were burning with a protective disgust that could make him weep. Essek simply turned back to the pot and spoke hollowly, the wooden spoon in his hand still. "My parents had little love for us."

Caleb gently tilted his head, noting Essek's voice getting quieter and his body momentarily stiffening. "I'm sorry, Essek."

Essek seemed to almost let those words wash over him. Caleb watched as he tried to recover from being struck by it. There was a moment of silence, until Essek was shunted out of his state of tunnel-vision by a couple of muffled coughs from Caleb. Essek frowned at the congestion rattling in the other man’s chest.

That sounded like it was getting worse.

He looked it, too. In fact, he looked utterly miserable— his nose reddened and irritated from the barrage of sneezing and his eyes watery. Essek’s heart ached at the sight.

“You don’t sound well at all, Caleb.” Essek began, somber, as he poured the last of the vegetables to simmer in the pot. He turned back to Caleb, now, wiping his hands clean. “The stew will need some time, anyway. Perhaps you should rest?”

Caleb's nodded, a soft acknowledgment that carried the weight of unspoken words. He paused, his hand trembling slightly as he brought his wrist to his forehead. "Yes, I think that’s wise.”

Essek returned the nod, a silent understanding passing between them as he took in Caleb's weary form.

"Let me show you to your room.” Essek offered, his tone laced with gentility. “Can you stand?”

“Yes, I’ll be alright.” Caleb assured the other man. His legs ached from the long journey in the cold, but he was sure he could manage.

Essek hovered close as Caleb slowly rose to his feet, ready to offer a steadying hand if needed. Though Caleb stood stable, apart from the occasional tremor, his shoulders slumped a bit with exhaustion.

Caleb nodded appreciatively, as he noted the drow’s attentive eyes on him. “T-thank you..., oh, ex-excuse me— huh.. Hum-pt’cht!”

He pitched forward with a sneeze, swaying slightly at the force. Essek put a hand on his back to steady him. They froze like that for a moment.

“Bless you...” Essek murmured, gently, rubbing in small circles before stopping himself and pulling his hand away. Caleb secretly wished he hadn’t.

“Danke.” Caleb slipped into his native tongue, which gave Essek pause. He had only heard him do that when he was truly exhausted.

“Mmm. Here, this way.” He floated ahead down the hallway, leading Caleb to the spare bedroom. It was furnished simply, but comfortably.

Caleb sat on the edge of the bed and sank gratefully into it. He looked to Essek, to thank him, but found himself caught by the man’s delicate features illuminated by the dim light of the lantern. Essek was, thankfully, too busy fussing with the blanket at the foot of Caleb’s bed to note his ogling. Finally, he spoke up.

“Thank you for this, Essek.” His voice came hoarse, which caused Essek to turn his gaze to him. Caleb paused to stifle a few weak coughs into his sleeve before trying again. “Thank you.”

Essek shook his head, wordlessly, and sat on the edge of the bed a respectful distance from his companion. He crinkled his brow and briefly opened his mouth as if he was planning to speak— but, closed it, pressing his lips into a tight line.

Caleb sat up, confused. “What is it?”

“No, it’s nothing...” Essek snapped himself out of his thoughts, but met Caleb’s perplexed stare and sighed timidly. “I just— It pains me that you think you don’t deserve my kindness, after everything you’ve done for me. If anything, I owe you more.”

Caleb stared, disconcerted. Essek had been carrying the burden of his mistakes heavily— that much was obvious— but it had been months since he had heard him talk that way. He had hoped Essek would absolve himself, at least in part, of the guilt that tore at him.

“Essek, you don’t owe me a thing...” Caleb closed his eyes, shaking his head. “—And please, my inability to accept kindness is no fault of your own. I’m truly sorry it pains you. In candor, I think it’s been that way for so long it doesn’t even cross my mind.”

“May I ask why?” The drow asked, his tone gentle as always— but Essek could tell from the way the air shifted, the answer to that question was heavy. He immediately regretted prying. He rose and turned to leave, shutting his eyes. "I apologize, I don't mean to overstep."

"You're not overstepping, Essek." Caleb reassured him with a gravelly mumble. He hesitated, the silence hanging salty in the air, before whispering suddenly. "I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. I’m scared."

Essek's movement halted. Cautiously, he pivoted to share Caleb's vision and was disheartened to see the other man's eyes faintly glistening. He shook his head, moving closer before he could stop himself. “Why are you scared?”

The pause carried such weight you could taste it in the air.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

Essek’s heart pulsed as Caleb’s rough voice broke. He lowered his head to meet his gaze. “There is nothing you could say that would scare me away, Caleb Widogast. You are worth so much more than that. ”

"I-- I, uhm..." Caleb began, clearly overwhelmed. Essek made no moves to rush him or stop him. Caleb needed this to happen on his own terms, whatever it was. The taller man took a breath, as if he never would again. "I suppose I should start at the beginning."

Essek carefully nodded to affirm the other man, crossing his arms in his lap as he sat back down and rubbing at his arms with his thumbs. He looked on with concern as Caleb continued, his skin flushed and voice thick with congestion. “Whatever you need, Caleb.”

And so, Caleb told him.

Caleb told him everything, from beginning to end. Things he hadn’t even told the Nein. It wasn’t for a lack of trust in them— Essek was just safe in this moment, and Caleb’s weak state made his heart penetrable, but he wanted to say it. He needed to say it.

So, it poured from him.

His words tumbled from him like stone down a mountainside, gaining speed and force with every moment.

And suddenly, Caleb made sense. Essek stared for an intense moment, and while this was absolutely news to him, he looked at Caleb now and felt as though he had known this whole time. His voice soft like velvet, Essek uttered the only words that he felt sufficient.

“You’re so strong."

Caleb's face twisted. Essek watched as every emotion formed to combine one. Sorrow, anger, both gratitude and refusal, pain-- grief. It was all grief. A grief that Caleb hadn't ever allowed himself.

Overwhelmed by something that had been dormant inside of him and suppressed by his own self for far too long, Caleb pressed his lips together as he felt his throat tighten and closed his eyes tight as tears flowed down his cheeks. He attempted to choke out an apology, but his throat was too swollen to even talk over the illness and tears. He only coughed, which turned to muffled sobs.

Essek's lips parted as he watched Caleb crumble. It was a heartbreaking sight. He had known Caleb for years now, and yet, it was the first time he saw him shed a tear. It would’ve paralyzed him, if he wasn’t fighting a stronger urge to throw his arms around him.

Instead, Essek inched closer to Caleb, slowly and quietly to avoid causing the other man to meet his eyes, and spoke caringly. “I’m so sorry.”

Though a few sobs had escaped immediately after Caleb's tears had started falling, Essek now watched as Caleb cried in complete silence. There wasn't a sound leaving him. Not even breath. The sight made Essek ache in a profound way, his eyes welling with warm tears threatening to spill over. Attempting to swallow them back, he stopped himself.

He needs this.

"Caleb..." He knelt, gently putting a hand to the other wizards face. His cheek was warm and flushed with a brewing fever, but Essek paid no mind to the proximity. "Look at me, please."

Caleb's eyes were so tightly shut that Essek was worried he might hurt himself. He had never seen a person look so tense; every muscle in Caleb's face and throat flexed in an attempt to stave off the hurt, distracting himself with physical grief. Essek gently caressed his cheek, slowly trailing down the jawline, and holding at the nape of Caleb's neck— his hands of coal intertwined with his locks of hot flame.

Slowly, calmed by the touch of his friend, Caleb's eyes opened: the blues and greens of his sad eyes only brighter when juxtaposed by the red from crying. He made eye contact with Essek, who was now kneeled in front of him and breathing deep. Caleb took the cue and drew a deep breath through his nose, shakily and with little success due to the flood of congestion. His breath was hardly there, anyway.

Essek only held his gaze, before his own tears cascaded down his cheeks. Caleb sniffled, eyebrows furrowing, and lifted his own palm to Essek's face. He looked to the drow, his expression giving way to the words he couldn't utter— and bless him, he looked so concerned as he felt a tear hit his warm hand.

Essek shook his head and gave a watery, half-hearted chuckle, his lips still pressed in a gentle frown. "They're not for me. They're for you."

Caleb stared for what felt like many moments, hardly able to comprehend the sheer empathy. Essek moved his hand to Caleb's, gripping it and meeting his eyes with insistence, still freely weeping.

"Caleb," Essek's touch was cool against Caleb's skin as he pressed their hands to his own chest, intertwining their fingers. "You’ve been battling your grief for almost half of your life. Let yourself feel it now. Let me share that burden with you."

The sensation of Essek's heartbeat beneath his palm was a grounding force for Caleb. It was as if with each rhythmic thud, a wave of emotions long suppressed surged to the surface. The floodgates that held back his sorrow and exhaustion threatened to give way under the tender reassurance of Essek's presence.

Overwhelmed, his eyes stung with unshed tears that he had held back for far too long. In this intimate moment with Essek, where walls were lowered and masks discarded, for the first time he felt safe. Safe to feel. To cry.

So, he did.

Caleb wept, messy and free. His breath came ragged; sobs wracked his frame. It would have embarrassed him. It should have. It should have made Essek leave him to fester in his own sorrow.

Instead, the drow pulled him in tenderly with a nod and wrapped him in a quiet embrace— and for being held by a man of no great physical strength, Caleb had never been held tighter. He had never felt so protected.

Essek's gentle breath gave him strength, like the pieces of him that had shattered were coming back together. He’d been carrying this pain, this grief, with him for so long and it was finally being lifted off his shoulders. He cried, tears falling down his face and onto Essek's shoulder.

Essek held him through it, running his hands soothingly up and down Caleb's back in warm silence. Caleb clung to him, his body shaking with each sob he let out. Essek couldn’t help but let his wander as an overwhelming amount of heat radiated off of his companion— it was clear he was struck with fever, which made him all the more vulnerable in this moment— but Essek only held him tighter at that revelation. This was far more important than his own immunity.

In this moment, Caleb was all and everything that mattered.

After a long while, Caleb's sobs began to dull into cries, and those cries became heavy sniffles. His breathing evened out from hiccups to shaky breaths through his nose, and his grip on Essek loosened.

Essek pulled back and looked at him, his eyes still wet with tears. Caleb wouldn’t meet his eyes, but murmured all the same. “I’m sorry.”

Essek knew, as a fellow man of logic, there was nothing he could say now that would convince the other man no apologies were necessary— despite it being true. He just placed a hand on Caleb’s cheek, wiping at the lingering tear tracks, and nodded knowingly at the warmth simmering beneath his friends skin. “You’ve running a fever.”

The tears on Caleb's face shone in the candlelight as he finally met Essek's gaze. His eyes were red and swollen, but there was deep seated relief coupled with shame behind them.

"I'm sorry," Caleb repeated, his voice thick. "You shouldn't have to see me like this."

"No need for apologies. These past few months have been so trying. A fever is meant to exorcise that darkness. You needed it." Essek shook his head, brushing a stray lock of hair back from Caleb's forehead. “You have endured much— thank you for trusting me with that part of yourself.”

Caleb let out a trembling sigh, the fight going out of him and the malaise of exhaustion and fever taking over. He inhaled again, deep this time, and it struck his nose.

Ah, yes. That was still happening. He pitched into Essek’s handkerchief with a violent fit of sneezes, too tired to even attempt to suppress them.

“Huh’TSCHh! Ih’Shiuh! h-huhh... Huh-TSh’iew!”

“There you go, bless you...” Essek purred, sweetly rubbing circles against his aching back. Caleb took a deep breath and groaned, grateful for the release, and Essek tilted his head knowingly. “Better to let them out, hm?”

Caleb only nodded to confirm, his eyes closed. He was worn to the brink.

“Here, lay back down.” Essek gently guided Caleb to lay back against the pillows, his delicate hand lingering on Caleb's shoulder.

Though the tears had stopped flowing, Caleb's face was still flushed with fever and he could feel the heat radiating from his friend, even through the thick sweater. Essek clicked his tongue, worriedly.

“Light, Caleb. I’m so sorry. This cold is miserable...” The drow muttered, sorrowfully. Caleb shook his head, but it did little to reassure him. “Rest will help, my friend. I’ll give you some time.”

He started to gently rise from the edge of the bed, but was stopped by the weak clasp of a warm hand on his wrist. He looked down to see Caleb staring, pleadingly. “Essek?”

Essek crinkled his brow, confused. “Yes?”

Caleb swallowed, his throat burning and raw, but remained locked in gaze with the other man. He squeezed Essek’s wrist as tight as he could, which was not much— the fever robbing him of what meager strength he had— and blinked. “Stay with me?”

Essek’s breath caught in his throat as he met Caleb’s eyes— blue as the Lucidian ocean, though weary and flushed with fever— and the vulnerable nature of the simple request sat in his stomach like a burning amber.

Essek had never been of the tender, touchy-feely sort. If anything, he was touch adverse. Any brief physical interaction he did have, was stiff and aloof and out of necessity or some sort of personal gain.

Until he met the Nein.

Little by little, with each pat on the back, each embrace, each firm squeeze of the shoulder— Essek realized, he was affectionate. His mother was the one that convinced him he wasn’t— that affection was weakness.

But, he realized now, as he faced the storm head on, this was his strength. Loving and caring for his friends, and for something more, one day— as he looked at Caleb— that was what he was meant to do. Essek would never allow that woman to disposess him of his strength again.

Caleb deserved happiness, and comfort, and warmth. If Essek could provide him with that, he would go to the ends of the Earth trying because that’s what he wanted.

Because he deserved happiness, and comfort, and warmth, too. In fact, as he stared at the face of his dear friend— flushed, wise, handsome— he refused to lie to himself any longer.

He was in love with Caleb Widogast.

“Essek?”

Caleb’s voice shook him out of his thoughts and the question remained posed in his eyes. Essek slowly lowered himself to Caleb’s side, gently sliding his wrist from the other man’s grasp and instead holding his hand.

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Their eyes met, violet and blue like the galaxy above, and they both searched each other for the same answers and confirmations. After a moment, Caleb’s eyes flickered and his nostrils twitched. Essek watched expectantly, a pitiful smile on his face.

“Huh-T'Choo!” Caleb shuddered, laying on his back but twisted away from Essek— their hands still locked.

Essek smiled. “Gesundheit.”

Caleb turned back to face Essek and returned his smile. That was all the confirmation they needed for now.

What Caleb needed was to sleep.

Essek looked to Caleb for guidance on where he wanted him. Caleb gently inched away, giving Essek more space to do what he pleased. Carefully, he moved to lay down with him, cautiously placing an arm around his shoulders. Caleb immediately curled into Essek’s embrace, pressing his flushed face into the cool crook of Essek’s neck.

Essek tensed for a moment— brief, and out of instinct, still unaccustomed to such open affection. Caleb felt it and moved his eyes to Essek’s face. “Is this okay?”

Essek relaxed into the contact, brought back to what was true by the warmth of Caleb’s breath against his neck. It was nice. He nodded, moving a hand to Caleb’s hair and gently carding through his Auburn locks in a soothing rhythm. “Better than okay.”

They both looked ahead at the crackling fire, a blush creeping on their cheeks. Caleb’s labored breathing began to slow as he settled deeper into Essek’s chest. Essek could feel him trembling, even bundled under blankets, and pulled them tighter around his shoulders.

“Thank you.” Caleb mumbled, his voice barely present. He was already beginning to drift off.

Essek moved his hand from the gentle strokes of his hair and softly brushed a few strands of hair from Caleb’s damp forehead. Leaning down, he pressed a gentle kiss to his brow— in the same exact place Caleb had months ago, in the cabin of a ship.

“Rest now.” Essek lilted, his voice soothing Caleb into a deep, content sleep.

Essek stayed where he was for a while, keeping a silent vigil over his friend. He knew Caleb likely had a rough night ahead as the fever ran its course— he would be here. He couldn’t help but smile as, for the first time, a warmth of something he had waited long for kindled inside him. A beacon of light against the lonely darkness he had known for so long.

He looked down at Caleb’s face, the typical lines drawn from worry and wear gone. He was peaceful, now, enveloped in Essek’s arms.

And every moment of loneliness and strife that preceded it suddenly became worth it.

———————————————————————————

Caleb’s eyes slowly flickered open as he awoke, his head still a bit heavy. He blinked, glancing around the room and squinting at the light pouring through the window. Late afternoon.

How long had he been out?

He shifted slightly, the blankets pooling around his waist as he sat himself up. He rolled his neck, carefully stretching his sore muscles— he certainly felt better than yesterday, but as the haze of sleep left him, he could tell he was still sick. The congestion had settled, he noticed, as he tried to take a deep breath through his nose and couldn’t manage it.

No fever, though. He’d take that.

Caleb rubbed his eyes and raked a hand through his messy, copper hair. It was quiet, apart from the sound of the howling wind and the distant crackle of the fire from the other room. With a clink of a dish coming from the kitchen, memories of the night before came flooding back to him— and he became acutely aware that Essek was not to his left.

He swung his legs off the bed and stood cautiously, thankful to be far less unsteady than he had been. Winding his arms around himself, thankful for the warmth of his sweater, he made his way out to the kitchen.

He padded through the small hallway, musing briefly at the artwork on the wall, before pausing in the doorway— there sat Essek at the kitchen island, his back to him, with a book open and a cup of tea. Caleb smiled, relieved by the sight of him.

Before he could speak to alert Essek of his presence, a sting hit his sinuses and he drew his elbow to his face. He attempted to sneeze as timidly as he could, as to not frighten the other man. “Huh’Mp-tcht!”

“Bless you...” Essek muttered, absent-mindedly, before doing a double-take and turning to see Caleb holding his face in his elbow. Essek smiled, mildly, standing quickly and moving to the wizard. “You’re awake.”

“Hardly.” Caleb let out a light, raspy chuckle before continuing. “Thank you for letting me sleep.”

“Oh, of course. You needed it.” Essek insisted, crossing his arms and mirroring Caleb’s stance. He tilted his head, taking him in carefully and moving to press the back of his hand to Caleb’s forehead. “How are you feeling?”

“Much better than yesterday, thanks to you. A little stuffed up— but, no fever.” He gestured to his sinuses briefly and swiped at his nose, before dropping his hands to his sides as Essek confirmed the fever had broke.

“I can hear it in your voice.” Essek winced, lightly, and removed his hand from the other man’s forehead. “Well, are you hungry? We never did get to that stew last night. That will help clear you up, I’m sure.”

Caleb smiled, touched by Essek’s persistent empathy and thoughtfulness. He spoke, simply. “That would be lovely, thank you.”

Essek smiled back, wordlessly, and turned to dish up a bowl of stew.

Caleb stared for a moment, his heart twisting and fluttering at the other man’s smile— nothing made him happier.

Without a second thought, his arm snaked around Essek’s waist and pulled him in close. Their eyes met, as Essek’s lips parted and they froze.

Time stopped. A sudden hush fell over the room, only permeated by the soft symphony of their shallow breath and the crackling fire. But, as they met each other’s eyes, they realized—

They couldn’t wait a moment longer.

Essek and Caleb’s lips crashed together in a kiss— tender and desperate. Their bodies pressing against each other, any resistance that was there melted away like warm honey and all inhibition’s were briefly discarded. They both exhaled, breathing into one another and releasing what had been building since the moment they had reunited.

Really, what had been building for months. Years.

It was too brief, though, as Caleb pulled away— barely able to catch his breath and his eyes wide. “Essek— I, I’m sorry! You’ll catch my cold.”

Essek shook his head, just as breathless, and almost chuckled as he cupped Caleb’s burning face with his delicate, cold hands, leaning in for more.

“I don’t care.”

Essek kissed him again, even deeper this time. Caleb sighed into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Essek’s waist to pull him closer. After a moment, Essek gently broke the kiss and rested his forehead against Caleb’s. They both laughed, unable to tame their feelings of giddiness and catharsis.

“Is this real?” Essek asked, moving his hands up and down Caleb’s body to confirm— half joking, half worried— and pulled him into a tight embrace. “I’ve dreamt about this for months. What if I wake up?”

Caleb smiled, coiling his arms around Essek’s shoulders. “So have I... Although, my dream didn’t involve the ice, or the sneezing, or the crying.”

Essek giggled, warm against Caleb’s ear.

“You should be resting...” Essek murmured, though he made no effort to move from Caleb’s embrace.

Caleb chuckled, but shook his head, stroking at Essek’s cheek with his thumb. “I feel much better now.”

Essek smiled softly, his gaze cast to the floor. Though he knew Caleb need rest to fully recover, he couldn’t bring himself to pull away just yet. Caleb’s embrace felt so right. He closed his eyes, thankful, and whispered in Caleb’s ear.

“Me too.”

———————————————————————————

[Comfortandstuff]

Hey, ya'll! I was writing an intro to this fic and somehow, it posted without my inserting them! Anyway-- I biblically needed a Caleb/Essek fic where we explored how they went from friends to lovers and I thought this was the perfect opportunity to make my dream canon origin story for their relationship. Also, added my own canon details about Essek's past with his family. As far as I'm concerned-- this is real and exactly how Essek and Caleb's relationship began lol. 

I've been working on this story for a LONG time, but it sat for a while when I kind of hit an editing blockage with it. Matt's little in-character blessing as Essek a couple games ago completely reignited my passion for the story though, and I ended up weaving a similar moment in this story as a nod to that. 

As always, my writing is heavy on plot, hurt/comfort, and whump. Tis' my jam after all. So, this story is a slow burn, but that's how I love them! Enjoy this 9k labor of love, and please, let me know if you liked it and if you'd like to see more Critical Role fiction. 

Special shoutout to @RiversD for continuously writing INCREDIBLE fiction for the CR fandom. This one goes out to you, as a thank you for your many beautiful contributions.

Thanks, everyone. I really hope you enjoy this one. 

-A

 

[MidnightCatK]

Ah, good old campaign 2. You did an absolutely lovely job with this! I really enjoy your writing style and the way you captured the characters.

[Comfortandstuff]

12 hours ago, MidnightCatK said:

Ah, good old campaign 2. You did an absolutely lovely job with this! I really enjoy your writing style and the way you captured the characters.

Thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed. Yes, The Mighty Nein— God, I miss those freaks! 

[MeForever]

I'm such a critical role lover and love this fic so much!!

[MusicaDiabolos]

So cute 🥺 Caleb is my favourite xx

[Comfortandstuff]

3 hours ago, MeForever said:

I'm such a critical role lover and love this fic so much!!

Thank you! And hey— same!!!!  

1 hour ago, MusicaDiabolos said:

So cute 🥺 Caleb is my favourite xx

They’re the CUTEST. Caleb and Essek are constantly wrestling for the number one spot for me. They can share it. ♥️

[Lady K]

This is everything I wanted after that blessing in Zemnian…I’m dying from happiness. So beautifully written!

Caleb and Vax are my two favorite whumpees in CR, and I love Caleb with Essek, and I’m happy to let my imagination run away with as many implications as possible that they give us. 
 

 

[Comfortandstuff]

11 hours ago, Lady K said:

This is everything I wanted after that blessing in Zemnian…I’m dying from happiness. So beautifully written!

Caleb and Vax are my two favorite whumpees in CR, and I love Caleb with Essek, and I’m happy to let my imagination run away with as many implications as possible that they give us. 
 

 

Oh, thank you. I’m so happy you enjoyed it! There is a criminal lack of Caleb Whump content in the world! ♥️