Doctor's Orders (Spider-Man, Spider-Man)

[Deuce Williams]

Doctor West leaned back in her chair, scrubbing at her eyes with the heels of her hands. Three hours overtime and finally her patient files were organized. Dr. Kurn had been right, if she’d only processed all her files the day she got them, she wouldn’t need to stay so long to fix them.

Even so, now they stared at her from their little piles, all waiting for one more copy in triplicate before the folders closed and she could go home. Picking up her stack, she left her office and beelined for the lab. Her co-workers had all gone home at this rate, and the halls were dark and empty. No need to wander longer than she needed to. Dr. West wasn’t a superstitious person, but anyone would consider a dark, empty clinic to be a little spooky. A tiny tendril of relief sparked through her as she entered the lab.

It died instantly. The window was open.

The fifth floor window of a New York emergency clinic in the middle of December should not be open.

Dr. West gently set her paperwork on the copier machine, casting careful glances around the lab. Why? It wasn’t as though anyone was still here, she’d been tasked to lock the doors and the janitor wasn’t due for another few hours. The dark hallways had probably just made her restless, that was it.

Still, the feeling of being watched never left the back of her shoulders.

The lab proved empty, so Dr. West stuck her head out the open window. No ladder. It was silly of her to think there might’ve been anyway, this was the fifth floor! She shook her head, ducking back inside. One of the forensic doctors must have forgotten to close it. But… hadn’t it been closed when she’d come in before? She couldn’t remember anymore.

She slid the window closed, retrieving her stack of papers, convinced the feeling of being watched must just be her own imagination. A few moments later saw her documents copied, and the lab ready to be closed up for the night.

Dr. West opened the door—

“Heh… ng-zxew!”

—And froze.

That. Had not been her imagination.

A moment passed an nothing happened. Dr. West gently closed the door. Slowly turned around. Still nobody in the lab. She lifted her eyes. There. In the far corner, two giant white eyes bore into her skull.

Another moment.

“Spider-Man?”

The white eyes didn’t move for a second, and then the shadow shifted. The lanky superhero crawled across the ceiling with surprising agility, then dropped upside-down in front of her, hanging on a length of web. “Hey,” his tone, muffled by the mask, was still unmistakably sheepish. “Uh… what’s up, doc?”

This was certainly Spider-Man hanging from the lab ceiling, all sass and long limbs. A surprising amount of muscle for such a lithe body. Dr. West realized this was the first time she’d seen Spider-Man in any sort of detail, content to leave the hero worship to the younger folks. A thousand questions spun to mind. Dazed, Dr. West peered past him to the window. “So… you opened the window.”

“Y-yeah?”

Okay, good, so she wasn’t actually going crazy. Onto bigger things then. “Can I… help you, Spider-Man?”

“Oh. Uh, no, j-just… uh… drop-dropping by… ah… eh-eh-EHXHEW!”

His bod convulsed with the power of the sneeze, bending at the waist and sending the harsh sound towards his feet. Above him. Unfortunately, gravity still existed, and Dr. West felt a slight mist drift down around her. Through the mask?! How saturated was it?

Hanging onto his web with one hand, Spider-Man held up the other apologetically. “Oh! Oh god, I’m so sorry, tha-that was disgusting!”

Dr. West tried not to show on her face exactly how disgusting it was. “Bless you.” Something clicked. “You sneezed before, too. How I heard you.”

Spider-Man’s head tilted away, and he rubbed at the back of his head embarrassedly. “Did I? I don’t think I did…”

Liar. Did he think she was dumb?

She let it go for now, even though she could hear slight sniffles through the mask while this close. “What made you drop by?”

“No reason, nuh-no reason. I’ve dropped by and nahh-ahhh… now I’m going to go. Uh, see ya rou-haaaahhh!” His body tensed, and Dr. West prepared for another shower, but he relaxed just as quickly. “Ugh, see ya round the city.” Twisting back on himself, he scaled his own web and skittered across the ceiling to the window.

Dr. West waited.

He’d just reached down to pull the window open when the sneeze finally caught up with him. “Ah… ah-AH-AHHXIEW!”

He stopped moving, glancing guiltily over his shoulder.

“Bless you,” said Dr. West amicably.

A beat. “Thangs.”

“So do you want to tell me why you’re really here?”

Never before had Dr. West felt such a palpable air of embarrassment from a person as when Spider-Man crawled back across the ceiling and dropped upside-down in front of her again. “Weh… well, uh, as yuh-YUHH!” His index finger shot up, planting itself firmly under the place where his nostrils would be. He held it for a moment, sniffling and snorting and hitching, until he got his wayward sneeze under control. Dr. West waited patiently as he scrubbed his finger back and forth under his nostrils. “Guh… a-as you can see, I’ve c-cuh… contracted a bit… sniff… a bih-hiihh… bit of a snuhhh… a sneehhh…” His shoulders shook, head tilting back. Dr. West took a step backwards, anticipating the inevitable nasal explosion.

Spider-Man’s chest heaved as he gasped sneezy breaths. “Heh… hih-HIHHH! Hih-YAAAAAXHEWWW!” At least this time he had the decency to sneeze into his hand. Miniscule improvements were still improvements. He stared at the now-contaminated palm with a disgust Dr. West felt more than saw. “Oh god. Guh, a bit of a sneeze.”

A smile pulled at the corner of her mouth. “Yes, I gathered.” Every word spoken by the superhero sounded like the beginning throes of a sneeze.

He chuckled sheepishly, that finger returning to rub under his nose. “I came in tuh… to use the lab, see if I couldn’t fihh… fuh-HUHH! F-figure out their cuh-cause.” His words were accentuated by a slight wheeze as he attached his itchy nostrils more vigorously, pressing the back of his fingers against the uncooperative nose.

Dr. West paused. She shouldn’t let any unauthorized personnel into the lab, hero or not, but the younger man sounded absolutely miserable. Spider-Man drew a deep sniff, and the last of Dr. West’s resolve melted. “No one’s allowed to use the lab outside medical staff.”

Spider-Man sagged, but nodded.

“So I guess it’s a good thing I’m here. Let’s see if we can’t solve this mystery.”

The hero reinflated, shoulders popping up excitedly. “Tha-thank eh-EHSHOO!”

“Don’t mention it.” Dr. West retrieved a nearby tissue box, offering it to him. “Right yourself, you’ll choke on your own mucous hanging upside-down. Try to get rid of some.”

Spider-Man released his web, flipping upright onto the floor. He took the whole box of tissues from her hands.

Then paused. He glanced from the box to Dr. West so subtly that she figured it must have been subconscious. Why… oh! Of course, he’d have to remove his mask to blow his nose.

Dr. West turned to give him some privacy, making a show of retrieving a pen and paper, sketching out a quick diagnosis sheet. She heard a shift of fabric, and then Spider-Man’s lengthy, wet blow. “That’s guh-gross.”

Dr. West had seen—and heard—worse. “So, Mr. Spider-Man. May I call you Spider-Man?”

“Call me anything but late to dinner,” he quipped, almost reflexively.

Hilarious. “Age, please?”

“Uh-XHEWW! Ah-AHH SHOOO! XHEW!” The triple snuck up on him without warning, and he blew his nose again. “Uhh… confidential?”

“… Spider-Man, I can’t help you if I don’t know anything about your medical history.”

“Ah… ahhh… ugh, and that’s nuh-not something I can give out. Too easy to cuhh-huhhh-hhHHAAAA… connect to my secret idehhh… identiihhHHH!! Urgh, identity.”

“May I turn around?”

“… sure?”

Dr. West spun in her chair, and mild surprise raised her eyebrows as she saw the hero still had his mask halfway up to expose his mouth and maddeningly twitching, scarlet nostrils. He held a tissue in front of his face, anticipating an oncoming sneeze. With the other, he scrubbed roughly at his nose.

She waited until the sneeze had died slightly. Spider-Man lowered the tissue, but kept his finger underneath his nose. “Spider-Man, this is not an official doctor’s visit. As such, there won’t be official records of this encounter. This procedure is mostly for my own benefit as we try to figure out what the problem is. At the end of your time here, you can watch me shred the paper and throw it away if you like. Please understand my only intention is to help you.”

Another pause from the wall-crawler though whether he was considering her words or fighting off a sneeze, she couldn’t tell. Finally, he said in a light, breathy voice, “mid-twenties.”

His compliance was oddly flattering. Dr. West scribbled the answer on her paper. “And you’re not sick.” More of a statement than a question, Spider-Man didn’t show any symptoms of being sick save for—

“WAAHH-CHOOO!”

—the sneezing.   

He answered anyway. “No, this morning I was totally fih… fine. The sneehh… ugh, sneezing started an hour or two ago.”

“Any allergies?”

“Rehh… reptiles.”

She perked. “Skin rash? Itchiness?”

“No, that one’s a sneezing allergy too.”

Dr. West frowned. “I don’t think that’s a thing.”

“Fuh… huhhh… h-hih-hhhiiiihh… heH-HAAAACHEWWW!”

“Bless you.”

“Thangs. First recorded instance of a sneezing reptile allergy was in ’81.”

Possible. Nasal allergies weren’t her discipline. “Encountered any reptiles lately?”

“Nuh… not that I can recall.”

“Any others?”

“Uh… ahHHH… ugh, a very minor daisy allergy, but that mostly juh-just makes my nose itchy. Not really any snuh-sneezing.”

Hmm. “Okay. Let’s see if you have any irritants stuck up there.” She retrieved a small penlight and a nasal speculum. “Here, sit on the counter.”

Spider-Man sat, trying desperately to soothe his twitching nostrils before Dr. West could take the speculum to them. All his rubbing was doing was making his poor sensitive nose more susceptible to foreign bodies.

Dr. West gently pulled his hands away from his face. “I know this will be difficult, but try to keep your hands at your sides as I examine you.”

He tried a weak smile amidst his other facial spasms. “No promises. It fuh-feels like a feh… hehhhther factory in there.”

It showed. Every word was a desperately sneezy battle, and every second brought his flaring, reddened nares closer to the losing side. Best to get this done fast. Dr. West set the speculum against the right nostril and widened the cavity.

The instant the cool instrument touched his flaring nostrils, Spider-Man dissolved into a hitchy, gasping fit as his nostrils writhed wildly against the itching, desperate tickle in their depths. “Ih-heh HEH! Dah-Doc, yuh-huh-huUUHH! C-can’t duh-do that, ahhh… I-I’m guhhh… gunnaaahhhhhhhh… guuhhhhnna snee-HHEEE—HEEZE!”

Dr. West clamped the penlight in her teeth, using her free hand to press a finger against Spider-Man’s nose as hard as she dared. Excess pressure could set him off right there, in her face. No thank you. He sat there, heaving heady breaths, nostrils flaring impossibly wide against her finger.

A tense moment passed, and Spider-Man’s mouth closed slightly, tightness in his shoulders and chest dropping. His nose continued to wriggle and writhe against her, but to a lesser extent than before. That was close.

Too close, apparently. Spider-Man sniffled hard twice, three times, still fighting. “H-hurry…”

Dr. West obliged, shining the light into his nose. The interior flexed and quivered with the barely suppressed sneeze, lined and dripping a clear mucous. Clear mucous was a good colour, intended to simply flush out the sinuses, but Dr. West couldn’t see anything to flush out.

But obviously there must be something, or else Spider-Man wouldn’t be halting sneeze after sneeze against her finger.

“Duh-HOC! Uh… I’m gunnaaahhhh-AAHHHHH—” His nostrils arched fiercely, and Dr. West pulled her hand away just in time.

“Uh-HUH! UHHH! AHHH-TSHOOO!” The sneeze pitched him forward and a clear spray glittered in the fluorescent light. Ick. But the huge, unrestrained explosion seemed to give him some form of release, as he sniffed, rubbing his nose only once before finally leaving it be.

“Bless you.” Dr. West dropped her contaminated speculum in the sink. “Nothing stuck up there.”

“That’s a suh-surprise.”

“But I’d like to check your daisy allergy, maybe it’s gotten worse since you were last tested.”

“Adult onset, deh-HEH—dey say?”

Dr. West successfully hid her smile. “Daisy puns don’t work when you’re in the middle of a sneeze, Spider-Man.”

“That’s what dey say.”

She tried to cover her reflexive laugh with a cough, but caught Spider-Man’s sly smile before he pulled his mask back down. The finger went right back to sawing rhythmically back and forth under his nostrils.

Dr. West prepped the allergy test under Spider-Man’s unblinking eyes.

“Family physician?”

Was he… was he making small talk? “No, dermatologist.”

“Oh, so thi-this is pretty routine stuff for you, then.”

“It’s a living.” Test prepped, she turned back to him. “Forearm, please?”

Spider-Man held out his left forearm, peeling off his glove. He nearly threw it across the room in effort to clamp his right index finger under his nose again as another brewing sneeze filled his head and lungs. The glove fell to the floor.

Spider-Man moved to retrieve it, but Dr. West stopped him with a firm hand on his shoulder. “I’ll get it.” As she bent to pick it up, however, something caught in the artificial lights of the lab. She peered harder at the glove. It seemed to be… glittering? What was that, it completely coated the fabric.

By now, Spider-Man had picked up on her hesitation. “What’s up?”

“One second.” Dr. West pulled up a nearby microscope, lining up the glove under the magnification. Sure enough, the thing was saturated in tiny, glimmering flecks. They looked oddly familiar…

“What… were you fighting something before you dropped by?”

“Yuh-yeah. This weird pluhh-huhhh… plant m-monster.”

Dr. West peered closer. Then rolled her chair back to retrieve a sample from a drawer. She compared the sample slide and the strange flecks side by side. “Amazing…”

“What? Is it serious? Am I a dead spider?”

Dr. West rolled her chair back, gesturing to the microscope. “Come take a look at this, tell me what you see.”

He hopped off the counter and joined her at the microscope, sniffling and sighing sneezily against his finger the whole time. “Is that… is tha-hahht pollen?”

“Yes,” Dr. West grinned delightedly. “Daisy pollen! An entirely new, mutated super-strain!”

Spider-Man went very still as the realization hit. “Suhh… so usually it ohh-only makes my nose itchy—”

“But this potent, especially rubbing at your face all the time, instigated a full allergic reaction!”

The mere words sent Spider-Man unloading two massive sneezes into his wrist. “HehhHH-SHOO! HAHXHEWW!!” He wiped the results on his tights, disgustedly. “Guh. Well, that’s one mystery solved.”

“Yes, and now that I know what’s causing it, I can provide proper treatment.”

“Uh.”

Throughout the encounter, Dr. West had found it increasingly difficult to determine whether her patient’s ‘uhs’ were hitches or hesitation. Previous examples had skewed firmly towards the former, but this instance was pointed enough to infer the latter. “Yes?”

He shifted in that embarrassed way she was beginning to think was default for him. “Maybe raincheck on the Benadryl?”

She stared, dumbfounded. He’d been aiming to get rid of this sneeze the whole time and now he changed his mind? “Why?”

“W-well, with this sneeze I could trahh… traaahh-HAAAAHHH! Sniff track where the monster is.”

This seemed an incredibly stupid idea to Dr. West, but he was the superhero, not her. “If you’re certain.”

He extracted his glove from the microscope, pulling it back on. The movement must have released more pollen, because he paused, finger once again in that semi-permanent place under his nose, before gently breathing out and retreating to the window. He opened it and hopped into a crouch on the sill.

“Uh-SHOO!”

“Bless you.” Maybe this would be the last time she said that to him.

He peered back over his shoulder with those wide, unblinking eyes. “Thanks, doc. For, uh, everything.”

She nodded cordially, finally allowing a smile to slip free. “Go save the city, Spider-Man.”

Despite having no visible mouth, he seemed to grin. “Doctor’s orders.” Without a second glance, he leaped off the windowsill into the night.

As Dr. West moved to take his place, she heard a faint, “AHXHEW!” fading into the cool air.

She smiled, and shut the window.

~~~~~~~~

(Props to anyone who gets the reptile allergy reference)

 

 

[MikiSan]

bahahahaha spidey is such a weakness for me and I get to see sneezy spidey but that allergy test gave me an idea i could use for a rp 

[Bongo]

I love this so much!