Elevators And Cologne (Pine Gap, Kath)

[Chanel_no5]

***Note***

Oh hai, 'tis me! Allow me to keep spamming the forum with my obscure little fandoms?   So, a little while ago I craved some sneezy Kath. So I made myself some sneezy Kath. Ended up using a classic trope, “stuck in an elevator with someone wearing cologne/perfume”.  A little bit of mess because apparently I’m into that now.    There is also a lot of cursing, because they curse a lot in the show, so...  There's a bit of plot surrounding the scene but it's only to set it, the actual scene is very simple: elevator and allergies. 

This was first posted to tumblr but I figured I'd post it here too just because. 

(also, do I know that to be setting-accurate it should probably be lift instead of elevator? Yes. But it's not really my vocabulary and the narration will use my highly mixed vocabulary. My apologies to all who speak English as first language, regardless of country.   )

 Show is on Netflix.  All one season 6 episodes of it. Kath is the redhead boss lady. Jacob is the agent in the checkered shirt.

 

***

“Kath, we need to talk,” Jacob said, catching up with her as she walked down the hall of the building.

“Not now,” she replied without breaking her stride. Jacob ignored her – when had he not? – and raised his voice just as she reached the elevator and used her access card.

“Your little protegee has gone from investigating the plane thing to checking comms for the Myanmar summit!”

“That is part of their tasking,” Kath replied without looking at him, and stepped into the elevator, hoping the doors would close before he said anything more.

“Normally I wouldn’t bat an eye but she and that Thompson guy she’s fucking are way too nosy and it’s only a matter of time before she figures it out and all hell breaks loose,” Jacob said, prying the doors open and following her inside. “Here’s what you’re gonna do; you’re gonna split up A-crew. Send the Aussies off base.”

“No,” Kath deadpanned.

“For fuck’s sake Kath, what is it with you and A-crew!? Send them away from the base!”

“I said no.” Unlike him, Kath didn’t raise her voice at all. It was soft and cool, almost soothing, but that only provoked him more; Jesus how he hated her acting like she was so in control all the time. And when she sounded like that, it always made him feel like a kid being gently chided by a teacher, and fuck, how he loathed that feeling.

“It’s not A-crew, is it? It’s Delic, right? What is it with you and Delic?”

Kath refused to answer or even look at him, but that only made Jacob get even closer into her personal space. Kath wasn’t claustrophobic, but being this close to Jacob inside a small space was stressful. And what was that cologne he was wearing? She inadvertently scrunched up her nose as her sensitive nasal passages objected to the unexpected fragrant invasion. It wasn’t that strong – which was an improvement, because he used to bathe in the stuff – but it was cloying, spicy, almost peppery, but also weirdly sweet. It made her nose prickle.

“You wanna fuck her, is that it?” he said, and now he hoped his accusation would aggravate her enough that she’s stop that calm act and at least raise her voice. He used to be able to push her to that point without too much trying. “Unless you already did. A little rebound to recover from me cheating?”

“Oh grow up, Jacob!” Kath spat. “Not all of us are led around by our dicks!”

“You’re awfully touchy about this for it being a professional thing,” he said, and maybe he was right to some extent. But it was a boundary Kath wouldn’t breach; dating within the community was common because at least they understood the whole security clearance thing, but dating (or sleeping with) someone who worked directly under her command was out of the question. Whether she was attracted to them or not. 

“Maybe it’s because, oh I don’t know, maybe, just a thought, it’s because I don’t need you to tell me how to do my fucking job!”

“Oh but you do, you clearly do, otherwise why would they have called me in here to sort this mess and find your infiltrator?” He smirked and lowered his voice a little. “It shits you, doesn’t it? That I’m the one they sent here to save your little castle?”

Kath clenched her jaws, biting down so hard it made her neck muscles hurt.

“We don’t fucking need you!” she hissed between gritted teeth.

“Oh you need me, Kath,” Jacob said, moving in closer, almost circling her like a shark, getting way into her personal space. Invisible wafts of his cologne ensnared her, trapped her within their web of allergy-provoking fragrant fumes. “If you could’ve fixed this yourself you already would’ve.”

“You were sent in because you know one dodgy agent who can access data on the quiet, that’s all!” Her voice rose so high it cracked at the word ‘one’. She was furious. And her nose was really fucking itching, too. Angrily, she rubbed it with the back of her hand.

“Yeah yeah… except you know how good I am at this,” he said.

Kath all but punched the elevator button, not happy about having Jacob’s company for the ride but he was obviously not planning on getting out.

“But you’ve done nothing but trying to shut me out,” he continued. “Throwing parties for your precious A-crew and not inviting me…”

“That wasn’t about you.”

“Bullshit!”

Kath really tried to keep her own temper under wraps, not acting as volatile as he did, but that control was quickly slipping through her fingers… and then she got distracted from the whole thing, when she completely ran out of control over her nose. The itch was unbearable, and no amount of noserubbing could have stopped what happened next.

“HeeISSSHHoo!”

The sneeze had been building for a while, but it still caught her off guard once it was ready to fully bloom, and she snapped forward and sneezed uncovered into the air between them.

“Fuck’s sake!” Jacob burst out and almost jumped back to avoid getting hit by the spray. “What’s wrong with you?!”

Had it been anyone else, Kath would have apologised, even if it was their cologne/perfume that caused it, but was she going to apologise to this shithead? No. Not a chance. He hadn’t apologised to her for fucking that intern while they were still married, why should she apologise for something as mundane as sneezing?

Kath ignored him, focusing on rubbing her itchy nose as hard as she could, no doubt both making it glaring red and leaving that trademark allergic crease across it, but she honestly didn’t care. The rubbing, though firm and determined, was unable to prevent a second and a third sneeze from bursting out of her. Forceful, wet, waist-bending sneezes that admittedly were quite loud but sounded even louder in this small space.

“HahhISSSSHHEW! Uhh… huhESSCHooo!”

Jacob, clearly ready to step into the role of victim, as he always did whenever his aggression failed or seemed to be failing, glared at her.

“I hope you’re not sick, I really don’t wanna catch anything.”

“Oh God,” Kath groaned, beyond annoyed at this point, “I’m not sick, I’m allergic to your fucking cologne!”

As if that was some kind of cue, the elevator stopped. They looked at each other, watery green eyes and icy blue ones meeting across the enclosed space, reading the same feeling of surprise and irritation in the other.

Kath, closest to the panel, pressed the buttons.

“Yeah, like that’ll help,” Jacob mocked.

“Got any better ideas?” Kath snapped, sniffled loudly, and gave the panel a final punch. It hurt her hand, but she wasn’t going to give Jacob the pleasure of seeing that reflected on her face, so she bit back a grimace of pain.

Jacob, obviously not having any better ideas, leaned past her and did his own ‘punch the buttons’-ritual.

“Oh, so it works better if you do it, ay?” Kath said, then cupped her hands over her mouth to catch the spray from the next volley of sneezes. “HehISSSHHEW! AaaESSSCHHoo! HehhEESSSCHIEW! Oh my God, could you step back, you’re making me sneeze even more…!”

“Why don’t you just step out of my way instead?” Jacob said, giving her a light push. It wasn’t meant to be painful, at least she didn’t think so, but it made her livid. Before she could open her mouth and verbally tear him a new one, though, that cologne he wore had nestled itself deep inside her sinuses, teasing her, almost clawing at its tender insides the way their (hers now) cat clawed on his scratching board, and she had no choice but to keep giving in to the demands the persistent scent forced her nose to make.

“HahhRAHSSSSHHOOO!”

This sneeze was so violent that she automatically reached out and grabbed his arm to steady herself. At first, Jacob stood still and let her – it was as automatic for him as it was for her; this had happened many times during their marriage, especially during hayfever season when Kath suffered horribly – but then mind won out over muscle memory, for both of them. Jacob shook her hand off of him at the exact same time Kath pulled it back.  

“Great,” Kath muttered. “Alright mate, any bright ideas?”

“No, but I know a bright idea someone should’ve had – a phone in here so we can call security and have them get us the fuck out.”

“Little late for that idea now,” Kath said, checking her phone for reception and finding none. It was no surprise, but it was still annoying. “Do you have any reception in here?”

“Well what do you think?” Jacob replied, rolling his eyes and stepping away from the panel.

Kath couldn’t tell him what she thought, because she was mid-buildup to another sneeze.

And another.

And another.

And then a breathless, rapid triple.

She was starting to look really dishevelled and miserable at this point, and she hated it, but her nose was so itchy, she didn’t have a say in it.

Jacob was watching the show, now leaning against the back wall, arms crossed, an amused look on his face.

“Bloody hell, you going for the world record or something?”

Kath had to sneeze again, desperately trying to get this fit to stop, she decided to make an attempt at stifling it. She hated stifling, but she had done it before, albeit only in very important meetings. This time however, she had already been sneezing so much that her nose was not going to accept being silenced, and what ensued was nothing short of a disaster.

“Huhh-NGuhTSHK! … snrrff…! Oh my fucking God,” she muttered under her breath, immediately cupping her hand over her nose to hide the mess that shot out of her twitching, hot-pink nostrils.

Jacob barked out a quick laugh, more out of surprise than actual humour, but it was kinda comical, the Queen of her castle, always in control, spraying snot everywhere.

“This isn’t funny,” Kath said. She was more annoyed than anything else, but she didn’t have anything to wipe the mess off her face with, and a slight hint of embarrassment was starting to make cracks in her personal pride.

“No, it snot,” Jacob said, chuckling again, this time at his own 'joke', prompting a teary-eyed eyeroll from Kath. She held out her other hand, making a ‘gimme’-gesture. All he gave her was a blank look.

“For fuck’s sake, Jacob,” Kath growled, “don’t you always have a handkerchief on you? Don’t tell me you quit that habit now…. eeeSSSHHEW! Ugh…” This sneeze only resulted in spray, not mess, but the situation was drippy as it was, this didn’t not help.

“Trust me, if I had one today, I would’ve given it to you already. Jesus, you’re a drippy mess. Disgusting.”

“Whose fault is that?” Kath asked with a thick sniffle. “You and your fucking aftershave, that’s who!”

He threw his arms out and rolled his eyes towards the ceiling.

“Bloody hell Kathleen, we’ve been separated for months, I didn’t know I still had to check with your diva of a nose before I bought new cologne.”

He did have a point, but Kath chose to ignore that. Besides, she had to sneeze again.

“HeeRSSSHHiew! EEHHyISSSHHoo! HihyERSSHHHOO! Fuck!”

Now mess flooded her cupped hand, and she was starting to get desperate.

Jacob looked at her, not sure what to do. Being stuck in an elevator wasn’t his idea of fun, being stuck with his ex-wife was ninth circle of hell, and her sneezing uncontrollably inside this small space where he'd inevitably be sprayed by the fallout, that was just… ugh.

At the same time there was a tiny part of him that felt a tiny bit of guilt for making her this sneezy mess. He was never going to admit it, but there was still something about Kath, at least when she wasn’t acting all high and mighty, that stirred a hint of affection. A tiny hint of affection. Almost non-existent, and almost drowned out by hate, but still.

“Look, Kath,” he began, but before he could get any further, the elevator started moving again. He shut his mouth before he could say something that could be interpreted as him actually caring.

The elevator stopped at the next floor and the moment the doors opened, Kath stepped out, fleeing the scented air inside the elevator as much as the man who brought it.

“… just get rid of the Aussies in A-crew,” he said in a voice he thought sounded calm and reasonable.

“I said no,” Kath said again, and her voice was thick, rough, and muffled behind the hand she kept firmly cupped over her nose to hide the clear, sticky mess from sight.

Then she hurried towards the nearest ladies’ room and all but slammed the door shut behind her. Jacob sighed, pressed the 1st floor button, and shook his head as he heard a violent, resounding double-sneeze from the bathroom. When Kath really got going, she would usually keep at it all day.

Not that it was his problem anymore, he thought before the elevator doors closed.

"...uhhhARRSSHHHOOO!"

It was Kath's. 

 

[Chanel_no5]

Sooooo... I assume there's no interest in a second part for this one? 😅😇

I was almost about to toy with one once I'm done with my next chapter of Under The Weather, but I might put that focus and energy into my ongoing 4400 fic or an original idea I have instead (not caretaking fluff), though I personally really like sneezy Kath.  👀🥺😈 

(In case anyone wonders, yes indeed this is me shamelessly trying to get the votes to do what I want to do, lol! 😅 But yeah, anyway. Sneezy Kath? Sneezy Diana? Sneezy OC lady? )🤷

Edited July 2, 2022 by Chanel_no5

[KungFuKok]

I’ll throw my hat in the ring and say that I’m certainly interested in a second part, this was a scenario that I didn’t know I loved lol so yeah, I’m interested.