My heart as spent as ashes (Overwatch, Junkrat - Part One)

[Frick]

(A follow on to "Buried in a burning flame" because I couldn't leave the boys as they were. This won't make sense if you don't read that... also - this tends to be more story and less sneeze, just fyi.)

 

Confutatis maledictis  (When the accursed have been condemned)
Flammis acribus addictis  (And doomed to the searing flames)
Voca me cum benedictis  (Summon me with the saved.)
Oro supplex et acclinis,  (Supplicant and prostrate, I entreat you)
Cor contritum quasi cinis  (My heart as spent as ashes,)
Gere curam mei finis  (Have care for my fate.)
~ Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Requiem Mass in D Minor

 

“Would you please sit down, you’re making me nervous,” Lena said, equal parts joking and sharp.

“Sorry.” Roadhog forced himself to sit. He didn’t want to, he wanted to keep moving. It was the only thing that gave him some measure of relief. As if he deserved relief. He’d already tried to listen to music, tried to read, but couldn’t concentrate on any of it. His gaze would skim over the words, but all he’d see were Junkrat’s eyes burning fever bright in his too pale face. The music would pound at his ears, but all he’d hear was Junkrat asking again and again, ‘what are we?’ And his own answer, designed to crush, to wound, to keep Junkat from following him, from finding out what he’d done. But if he moved, if he paced, he could outrun his own horrible fucking decision.

Lena glanced at him, then back out the window of the Orca, made a minute adjustment to one of the dials in front of her. “Not bringing Junkrat with you back to Australia?”

“No.” Maybe if he kept his answers monosyllabic she’d take the hint.

“Hmm.” Looked at him, away again. Somehow, even in the darting glances it felt like she saw more than he’d like. “You guys have a fight?”

Fuck. “No.”

She raised a brow. “Alright, Roadie. You blew your cover over the past couple days. You are more than capable of conversation.”

The nickname surprised him. No one, other than Junkrat, called him Roadie. It felt like a punch to the gut. Should have been Rat here with him. Should have been them together against everything and everyone else. “Don’t,” he ground out.

“What?”

“Call me that.”

She swiveled the chair suddenly to face him full on, and even though she was tiny, there was steel in her. He saw, then, why Morrison made her his second despite her age. She wasn’t one to be easily intimidated. “All right, Roadhog. Clearly something’s going on. I know you don’t need me to explain why secrets are dangerous in this line of work. Hana’s opinion notwithstanding, I’m not about to pry into your relationship with Junkrat.” She waved off whatever comment he might have been about to make before he’d barely drawn breath. “But Jack doesn’t send agents out solo. Ever.”

“Not an agent.”

“Now you’re splitting hairs.” She sighed. “I know not all of us were exactly subtle with our hesitation about bringing you two aboard. Some of Jack’s rolls of the dice turn out better than others, and I’ll admit to being one of the reluctant ones.”

That was surprising - unlike Torbjörn and Satya who, while not as sharp with him as they were with Junkrat, had been distant and Mei was downright rude a time or two, Lena’d always acted friendly enough. “We are an acquired taste,” he said wryly. Couldn’t exactly take it personal. Neither he nor the Rat were the usual brand of hero. Or, any hero at all. They’d gotten on somewhat better with McCree, who also inhabited the grayer area.

Lena snorted a laugh. “I eat Hana’s soondae. I like unusual flavors.” She sobered again. “What I’m trying to say, however badly, is that you and Junkrat have both proven yourselves over and over again, and I wish that I’d proven myself to you as well.”

Roadhog frowned, even though he knew she couldn’t see it behind the mask. He was still trying to process when she continued.

“Look, I can’t come with you right now - the others are going to need a way back to the Watchpoint, and I’ll need to get Emily home… but after that, tell me where you’ll be and I can meet you. I won’t be more than a day behind, day and a half at the absolute outside. Whatever you’re going to do, let me help. Or at least have your back, since Junkrat won’t be there. You can trust me, Roadhog.”

His first inclination was to say no. Finding the hard drive should be easy enough, couldn’t imagine anyone else would be anywhere nearby considering how deep in the Outback Rat’s hidey hole was. But he knew how fast rumors traveled, and the Queen had her henchmen spread out well beyond Junkertown. He’d been gone long enough to not recognize them all anymore. Or have dirt on them to keep them blind, deaf, and mute. Might be prudent to have someone at his back, in case. And even though she didn’t know it, Roadhog realized, somewhat to his own surprise, he did trust Lena.

They’d fought side by side often enough, against Null Sector, against Talon, and she was quick on her feet and sharp. Had a good head for logistics and cool under pressure. She was young, but seasoned. And she’d made Rat soup. It counted for more than he’d like to admit.

“Don’t necessarily know what I’d be getting you into,” he said slowly, watching her reaction.

She shrugged. “Not fussed. You don’t have to face it alone, whatever it is.”

He still wanted to say no, to retreat into his solitude and silence. But he found himself nodding instead. “I’ll meet you at Bobby’s, on the outskirts of Junkertown. Bit of a shit pub and you don’t want to order any food if you value your stomach, but Bobby’s a good bloke. Known him since… for a long time. If I’m not there, he’ll know how to get word to me.”

Lena nodded once, then turned back to the controls. She didn’t ask anything more about what the mission was, and he appreciated that. Didn’t try to make small talk, and he appreciated that more. Didn’t ask anything further about Junkrat, and he appreciated that most of all.

But it didn’t mean his thoughts were occupied with anything else. No matter how he tried to focus on a plan (Have to see if the bike was still hidden out in Bobby’s garage, otherwise the trip into the Outback was going to be a good sight more complex. Have to gather some provisions. Consider where he might be able to access whatever data was on the hard drive before Morrison got a look at it. Preferably without Lena watching.) most of his thoughts circled on Rat.

50/50 of everything. Treasure’s here. Didn’t need to see the note anymore even to remember the coordinates. Junkrat’s blocky letters were engraved on his mind. Why did you have to scavenge the fucking Omnium? Completely irradiated ruins, what could possibly go wrong? Couldn’t leave well enough alone? Never could, he sighed inwardly. Leaving anything alone once his interest was snagged wasn’t in Junkrat’s repertoire. Like his namesake that way. Got them into more than one messy situation, but also got them some good hauls.

Once in a while it got them something amazing - like the fireworks display. He didn’t have the first clue how Junkrat’d made them with such intricate results. The constellations had been perfect, spread across the sky like home. How many nights had they lay side by side, gazing at the stars in comfortable silence? Well, silence on his part. Rat was always chattering about something, but never seemed to mind Roadhog’s reticence. Now the silence pressed in on him.

Jesus, was he really going to go through with this? Walk away from Rat completely? Leave him behind? His boot heels clanked dully on the floor as he crossed the room. The fear that had squeezed his chest when Junkrat brought up the treasure rose in his throat again. The absolute panic that Junkrat would find out that it was all his fucking fault had dropped a fog over his mind. It swirled with Hana’s insistent teasing and Junkrat’s pointed questions about their relationship. Never needed to make it anything one way or another until Hana started asking but then Rat’s attention had been caught. He asked, asked again, tossing the questions like grenades, unconcerned about the possible fallout. Roadhog’d felt trapped, claustrophobic, desperate, and suddenly all the awful shit was spouting out of his mouth and Junkrat just sat there and took it, with only a minor show of self-defense. Behind that anger, Roadhog had seen the hurt, the betrayal and it twisted his gut.

Stop, he told himself. Turned that shit off before, could do it again. Be Roadhog, not Roadie. Certainly not Mako. Never Mako.

“For fuck’s sake, Roadhog, if you can’t relax, would you at least make yourself useful and brew some tea? I could use the caffeine.” Lena was glaring at him with exasperation.

“Right,” he said. Something to occupy his hands. His thoughts for a few minutes. As the kettle whistled he thought he heard Lena talking with someone, but he couldn’t make out what they said. He poured the water over the tea leaves - proper tea, not like the bagged crap; probably Mei’s doing. Waited the right amount of time for the leaves to steep, watching the steam curl over the mugs. Fragrant, lightly floral and a hint of bergamot. Could practically taste it, just from the scent. Knew the tannins would be perfectly balanced. It wouldn’t slap him with bitterness like every single cup in Junkertown. Whoever Lena was talking to likely had nothing to do with Junkrat. No need for his heart to be hammering in his throat.

He removed the leaves and mixed in a touch of honey. The sweet would highlight the brightness of the citrus without being overpowering. Not like when Rat made it - got a sugar rush along with the caffeine high. Incorrigible sweet-tooth.

“Thanks,” Lena said when he handed her a mug, and she sipped with a grateful smile. “Better?”

He nodded. It was true, as far as it went.

“Lucio just called.” She took another sip.

Roadhog tried to keep his breathing steady, ignore the sudden skip of his heart. Didn’t ask. Waited.

“Jack made Junkrat an offer. Be all in with us, or take his chances with the law. Apparently Junkrat picked the coppers.”

Roadhog swallowed his tea carefully, said nothing. His stomach churned.

“Lucio said he’s not allowed to go anywhere until he gets over the virus, which buys him some time.”

She stopped again, maybe waiting for him to say something. But what could he say? Things were spiralling out of control and it felt like everything he did only made it worse. At least if Junkrat was in jail, Roadhog could retrieve the hard drive without interruption and destroy any potentially incriminating evidence. Then maybe he could rescue Rat. Breaking him out wouldn’t be impossible, hell - they’d done it before. Even if he’d fucked things between them all to hell, breaking him out would balance the scales somewhat. Hopefully. Maybe. He nodded at Lena and took another drink of tea. It was bitter on his tongue.

She gazed at him for a long, long minute, then turned back to the controls without pressing further. Somehow it still felt like she was watching him.

He drank, and tried not to notice the oily nausea that sat in his stomach, or any of the concerns clamoring for attention behind the firmly closed door of his thoughts. He’d make this work.

 

Junkrat closed the comm connection and leaned his head against the wall for just a minute - how could he be this bloody knackered already -  when a voice behind him made him startle and turn.

“I’m sure I didn’t hear that right,” Hana said.

“Hooly dooley, ya sneak up on a bloke.” Tried to plaster an approximation of a grin on his face. Suspected it didn’t work when it wasn’t returned.

“I don’t sneak. You just couldn’t hear me because you were too busy telling Mr. By The Book that you wanted to turn yourself in to get away from us.”

Rubbed the back of his neck, cleared his throat. “Uh, ain’t what I meant, really.”

“Really,” Hana echoed. “Could’ve fooled me.” She crossed her arms over her chest and actually glared at him. Felt a little like being menaced by a bunny, unexpected and more disturbing for it.

Junkrat sighed. “Ain’t personal, love. Finally realized I ain’t cut out for the hero thing, an’ Morrison agrees. According to The Rules, can’t just let me go wandering off into the sunset after all the shit I done. So it’s off to the cop shop for me.”

“That’s gotta be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say, and I’ve heard you say some outrageous stuff.”

“Cheers.” Irritation rose in response. “Does fuckin’ everyone think I’m a fuckwit?”  Haven’t you learned not to ask questions you don’t want answered?

“Maybe not everyone. Lucio, what do you think,” Hana demanded, grabbing his arm as he went to walk by.

Lucio eyed them warily, like he might be drawn into a trap. “About what?"

“Not up for a vote.” Knew he wasn’t going to be able to just sneak away without anyone commenting, especially with everyone on top of each other in the little cabin, but he’d hoped for a bit more time to figure a cover story.

“Junkrat,” Hana stabbed him with her glare again, “wants to get away from us so bad he’s choosing jail over us.”

“Wait, what?” Lucio’s expression was almost comically surprised. “What is she talking about?”

Junkrat pinched the bridge of his nose. His calm felt brittle, like a thin sheet of ice over a deep lake. If it cracked he’d fall through… “Just tellin’ her I ain’t a hero. So… did the crimes gotta do the time is all.”

“And I told him that’s the stupidest idea in a long line of bad ideas. Now you tell him I’m right and he’s a moron!”

“I’m not sure calling him that helps,” Lucio said.

“An idiot, then. I always thought Roadhog was just a grump when said it, but I’m starting to understand.”

Could practically feel the blood draining from his face; mention of Roadhog made everything feel worse. Bared his teeth in a grin. “With friends like this, it’s a wonder why I’d wanna leave.”

“Woah woah woah.” Lucio held up his hands. “Hold on. We’re all getting a little testy. Junkrat, you look like you’re about to fall over. You’re not going anywhere until you’re better.” He looked from one to the other. Hana still bristled. “Come on, I’ll make us tea and we can talk this through.”

“Not really in the mood for a drink,” he tried. Even less in the mood for any convo. Mostly wished he could just hide in the bedroom until Lena came back.

“I’ll leave the turpentine out this time.” Lucio gently, but firmly, guided both of them into the kitchen where he put the kettle on to boil. Hana rummaged through the cabinets for the tea and clean mugs.

Junkrat hesitated, perched on the edge of the window seat, half wanting to escape and half wanting the soothing warmth of a hot drink. The wind rattled the window in its frame, the bare branches of an oak tapped against the glass. Clouds scuttled across the sky, a swirl of snow floated down. A chill crept up his spine and he shivered, smothering a set of sneezes into his elbow.

Hana, turning back with a plate of biscuits shaped like stars and candy canes and snow flakes that someone had made, caught the motion and suddenly her irritation vanished. “Bless. Still sick, huh?”

“Guess so.” Took a bickie, nibbled the edge. Sugar dusted the table and sweetness spread over his tongue.

“But that’s not why Roadhog left without you, is it?” Lucio asked, setting a steaming mug in front of him.

“Don’t know what you mean, mate.” Roadie wasn’t the only one who could play vague.

“You two are never apart, even when he was sick. Now he’s on assignment in Australia, without you? Something’s wrong with this picture.”

Damn observant healers. Shoved the rest of the bickie in his mouth, trying to buy some time. If only his brain didn’t feel like it was wrapped in candy floss, thoughts muffled and slow. Both Lucio and Hana sat down at the table and he squirmed under their attention. “Why ya always got a million questions? Ain’t it enough that things are what they are?”

“Because for some unfathomable reason we like you, Junkrat.” Hana softened the words with a smile. “That means we want to know what’s going on with you. I know Roadhog probably skewed your experiences a little, but friends talk to their friends.”

Junkrat ran a hand over his face. “An’ I thought Roadie was complicated.

“We want to help,” Lucio said.

“Not much to be done. Morrison said if I couldn’t be a proper member of the team, follow the rules an’ regulations an’ all, then he’d let me do my time in jail and then be on me way. Figure I should take him up on it.” Took a drink of tea. Lucio’d made it exactly the way he liked, enough sugar to rot the teeth. Felt good on his raw throat. “Tell ya the truth, don’t really fit with you. Make a better criminal than hero. So.” He shrugged. “Lena’ll drop me somewhere in London, make sure I turn myself in.”

“You know, it took all of us time to fit in with Overwatch. It’s not an easy transition to make,” Lucio pointed out.

“Yeah, Lu kept Morrison from killing me so many times…” The look she gave Lucio was fond

“I think we hit double digits. She had a tendency to rush into things.”

“Keeps you on your toes,” Hana grinned. “So really, I know what it’s like. If you just give it a chance…”

“Nah, given it plenty of thought. ‘Specially the way things went at the settlement. Bolloxed it up, even doin’ me best. Decision’s made.”

Lucio frowned. “What does Roadhog think?”

‘Do what you want, stay or go. I couldn’t possibly give less of a shit.’ Roadhog’s words echoed just as clear as when he’d said them. Junkrat chuckled and it sounded dangerously close to a sob. “Said it’s on me. Doesn’t really care either way.” He sniffed and knuckled his nose. Hana and Lucio traded a look over his head. “I appreciate ya wantin’ to help. But done is done.”

“Rat,” Lucio started. He put a hand on Junkrat’s arm and the touch was firm but so gentle and it combined with the heat of the tea and the glow of their company and the kindness in their eyes and Junkrat didn’t understand, he didn’t understand at all, and he hated not understanding.

He laughed, and it throbbed in his head with the darkness of Roadhog’s laughter, and her laughter but he couldn’t stop it just pouring out of him. “Earlier ya asked about us an’ I said I thought I fucked it up, an’ I did,” he could barely get the words out through the laughter. “I did. I fucked it up. I asked him, I actually asked him what we were! As if I mattered. As if I meant anything at all. Why the fuck would I think I was anything other than a job? But I had to ask. I had to know. Well, clear as now, ain’t it.”

Somewhere along the way, to his complete and utter mortification the laughter had slid into tears and he couldn’t stop them, even with fists pressed to his eyes tight tight, they just kept falling like rain, but cold, like snow and he was shivering with it. “So he’s gone because o’ course he is, an’ I’m here an’ I shouldn’t be, an’ I don’t know where I’m going, an’ if I’d been someone else, if I’d been a right person… a good person… if I’d been… if I was just anyone else…” words dissolved into hiccuping gasps and suddenly arms were around him, holding him, bringing his pieces back together. Tethering him. Voice in his ear, low and musical.

“Hey. Hey, hey Rat, it’s alright. It’s okay. Come on, breathe with me, okay? Slow breaths.” Lucio’s voice, calm and steady. Junkrat pressed his face into Lucio’s shoulder, and the flannel was soft on his cheek.

Eventually the tears stopped, caught his breath. “Sorry,” he mumbled, face hot.

“No worries.”

Junkrat sat back, scrubbed his hand over his face, coughed. “Fevers tend to cook me brains a bit. Usually I just hole up until they’re over. Sorry to flood your shirt.”

Hana passed him tissues, his tea. “We’re going to Australia, too,” she said, matter-of-factly.

“Hana…” Lucio said, skeptical, warning.

“What? Something weird’s going on. You saw the way Roadhog always looked at him. You saw him give him the scarf. That is not the way someone looks at their boss. Screw Morrison’s rules, screw jail. We’re going to figure this out.”

“But,” Junkrat said.

Hana waved him off. “You said it yourself, you’ve still got a fever. Even Morrison won’t send you to jail when you’re sick. When Lena comes, she can take us to Australia and you can find out whatever the hell Roadhog is doing.”

It was a terrible idea. Going back to Straya, with the possibility of a confrontation with the Queen, the possibility of seeing Roadhog again (‘thick as a rock… batshit crazy… we ain’t shit…). It was rushing in, like Lucio said they shouldn’t do…

You are quite the glutton for punishment, Jamison. But maybe you should go back, after all the treasure is half yours - will you let Roadhog keep all of it for himself? Junkrat frowned to himself. Bint had a point, much as he hated to admit it. Treasure was half his, an’ if he was gonna be making his own way, better be sure he had what he needed. Not let Roadhog get one over on him. “Let’s do it,” he said.

[Tassielli]

Oh thank god 

 

the last one really left me off kilter and I so desperately want them to fucking talk

[funbusej]

OK, I commented on the other one, but this one made me bawl even more, and they STILL haven't figured their ish out!!!  Fantastic writing, but I am dying to know what happens from here....

[All Time No]

I know absolutely nothing about this fandom, but I just binged all of your Overwatch fics. I love love love the way you portray Junkrat and Roadhog’s relationship! You’re a truly phenomenal writer, and even though this is over a year old I really hope you decide to finish it! I’m on the edge of my seat!

[Frick]

@Tassielli Ah, it's so good to know that readers get the emotion. I felt the same way!

@funbusejI so appreciate your comments! They're in a shitty place... 

@All Time No Thank you for reading a fandom you don't know! And commenting too! You made my day! I am actually still working on this fic - so it's good to know that people are reading and enjoying.