Wine Sneezes (Umbrella Academy Klaus. Klave Featuring Fetishist!Dave)

[Bee]

Klave cooking together featuring Dave with the kink and Klaus with the wine sneezes.  Co-written with a friend from Tumblr (@hargreevesstyles on there, you should check out her blog for some awesome Klaus content, plus she has a few Diego and Luther fics as well!).

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“Klaus, pass me the salt!” Dave’s voice called from across the kitchen. He and Klaus were cooking dinner for themselves, a nice dinner. They had gone to the store earlier in the day to go shopping for ingredients and Klaus forced Dave to buy them matching aprons. Klaus was pushing for chef’s hats too but Dave only indulged him so much.

“Catch!”

Dave shouted, “KLAUS, WAIT NO-”

Klaus’ giggling cut him off. “Did you really think I was going to throw the open salt shaker?”

“Well, you are three very full glasses into this bottle, so I wouldn’t exactly put it past you,” Dave teased.

After Dave’s comment, Klaus made direct eye contact with his handsome boyfriend and downed the rest of his fourth glass. They were drinking a bottle of pinot noir and Klaus had already drunk a good amount of it by himself. Dave was still working on his second glass. He was much more immersed in the cooking than Klaus was. Klaus was taking a glance at the recipe every few minutes and going, “Oh, someone I know added this one time!” and then shoving the ingredient into the pot before Dave could protest. Dave wanted to follow the recipe as tightly as he could, but the chaos from his boyfriend was not allowing him to do so.

They worked on their dish for another ten minutes or so and Klaus had already finished his fifth glass.

“You wanna slow down, babe?” Dave asked. “You’re gonna get drunk.”

Klaus rubbed his already-a-little-bloated tummy. “That’s the goal!” The edges of his words were a little slurred already.

If there was one word that Dave would use to describe Klaus, it would be this: enigma. There were so many things about Klaus that contradicted other characteristics and so many things he did had juxtaposed reasoning. His body was the same. He would have different reactions to different things all of the time. Klaus had a high alcohol tolerance, but at the same time, he didn’t eat too much so he could either get drunk off of not too much alcohol or he could be drinking for a while and still not get too drunk.

Today Klaus had snacked on some crackers but he had woken up late and he didn’t feel like making breakfast. He also didn’t feel like going out of his way to get lunch, so he was working with a rather empty stomach. Four glasses of wine was enough to get him more than a little tipsy.

“Shoot! No no no no no!” Dave fussed over the sauce, which he’d just poured a little too much wine in. Even two glasses of wine in, despite his low tolerance, he was still a perfectionist. Good thing he had Klaus to balance him out.

“Babe, ‘s okay, it’ll cook off!” Klaus wrapped his arms around Dave from behind, pressing soft kisses to the back of his neck, smiling at the way Dave shivered and giggled. “Hehe, I,” he cut himself off with a hiccup. “I got you!”

Klaus loved how ticklish Dave was. Normally he’d give Dave his space when he was busy, saving the tickling for when they were in bed, but right now he had no concept of boundaries. And Dave’s neck just looked so damn cute. Suddenly, Klaus attacked bringing his fingers around to the front of his boyfriend’s neck and attacking.

Dave went wild, dropping the spoon into the saucepan as he twitched and giggled maniacally.

“Stop,” he struggled out in between giggles as he frantically tried to shove Klaus off. “I’m -” another bout of giggles “c-cooking!” He finally managed to push Klaus off, which sent his boyfriend stumbling behind him, catching himself only when he was about to hit the floor. He let out a little shriek as he sorted himself out and Dave couldn’t help but laugh at how drunk his boyfriend was.

“Whoa, hello!” Klaus snorted and leaned against the counter, where they’d left the pinot noir. He grabbed the bottle from off the counter and went to take a swig.

Dave frowned. “Klaus, you’ve had enough.” He grabbed the bottle from his hands.

“Oh, come oooon,” Klaus whined, making grabby hands at the bottle in Dave’s hands.

“Wait twenty minutes and we’ll see.” Dave placed it on the highest shelf, which he could only reach by going on tiptoe. They were the same height, but there was no way Klaus would be able to maintain his balance long enough to reach it.

“You’re no fun,” Klaus said with pouted lips, but nonetheless wrapped his arms back around Dave, whose attention was on the sauce again. Dave may or may not have been the only reason Klaus could even stay upright at the moment.

Dave brought a spoonful up to his mouth and blew on it before tasting. “I’m not sure what it needs.”

He tried not to show his frustration at the way Klaus wordlessly dipped his finger into the (boiling hot!) sauce, licked his lips, and poured in an extra drop of olive oil. Klaus dipped his finger into the sauce again and brought it up to Dave’s lips for him to try.

Dave sighed. “It’s better,” he admitted begrudgingly.

“Of course it is!” Klaus teased, pressing his face back into Dave’s neck as he started to sway back and forth, humming along to the tune of an old song he used to frequently hear Luther blasting from his record player when they were growing up.

Dave smiled as he stirred and listened to Klaus, swaying slightly with him. “What is that song? I don’t think I’ve ever heard it.”

“What?” Klaus asked incredulously, swinging around to Dave’s side to shoot him a confused glance. “You don’t know REO Speedwagon?”

Dave just shook his head, face blank.

“And I can’t fight this feeling anymore,” Klaus sang out loud, grabbing Dave by the shoulders and turning him around to face him, forcing him to abandon the saucepan he was tending to. “I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for.” He wrapped his arms around Dave’s waist and started to lead him in a (very clumsy) dance. “It’s time It’s time to bring this ship into the shore And throw away the oars, forever – you’ve never heard that song?”

Dave shrugged against him. “No. You sure it’s been written, yet?”

Klaus pulled away from him, stumbling backward and hitting the counter again as he laughed out loud, slapping his own forehead and raising his hand in the air in an exaggerated, “Italian” gesture. “O, stunad! What’s a matter for you?”

He paused with his hand high above his head as his breath started hitching, nose twitching for a solid five seconds before he brought it down to cover his nose and whipped his head to the side.

“Ihhhh…… hi’ietSCHieww! Ehhh…..hihe’DTshiehh! Hhnxgshyuu! O, scusami!”

The sneezes sent him stumbling and Dave grabbed onto him to make sure he didn’t slip and hurt himself. “Bless you, bug, be careful,” Dave said. “Hold onto me next time, yeah?”

Klaus nodded, sniffling. The recovery time for those sneezes was a lot longer than it usually was. In fact, he was still recovering when he started to build up again. “Dave it….it tickles again I….HhiiETSHiew!These are so whehhh-wet-hihhh….hng’shiew! HehhISh’ehh! I’m hehh-dizzy ha ha-hiehhh….ingxxt-ngt’uh!”

“Bless you, baby, are you okay?” Dave asked. “What just happened? You’re sneezing like crazy!”

Klaus made a motion asking for a tissue. Dave grabbed a paper towel off of the counter and handed it to Klaus with one hand, and used the other to keep his wine-drunk boyfriend upright. Klaus blew his nose harshly and then wriggled it a few times. “There are so many of these,” he slurred. “I think it’s the wine.” Klaus grabbed the sauvignon blanc bottle off of the countertop and sniffed it. Dave relaxed because he didn’t think Klaus was going to pull anything, but then he quickly brought the bottle up to his lips and took a large gulp.

“Klaus!” Dave scolded him. He stole the bottle and put it with the other one on top of the shelf. When he returned to Klaus, he was standing with his hands a few inches in front of his face, his eyebrows furrowed and his nostrils flaring.

Knowing what was most likely going to happen, Dave pulled Klaus up against him, steadying him with his own body. Klaus buried his face into Dave’s chest and let loose. “Hhhh..Huhh’ENXtshyuu!! Hh’nxshiuu!”

Dave stroked Klaus’ hair. “Bless you. You got a couple more in you?”

Klaus nodded and rubbed his nose against Dave’s apron. “I think so. M’nose won’t stop tickling.” He sniffled hard and Dave had to try his hardest to keep himself together. “Hih’eshyuu! Ugh, yuck. Hihhheng’kt! HiehhhehhETSCHiew-hihhitsshhNXGT!”

When Klaus came back up for air his eyelashes were being held together by tears that threatened to slip down his rosy cheeks. His nose was running slightly and the paper towel Dave had handed Klaus moments before was now more than damp.

“M’head hurts now,” Klaus mumbled. His breath hitched superbly yet he scrunched his nose up trying to fight off the tickle. “Hh’itshieh!”

Dave helped guide Klaus over to one of the chairs at their table and he eased him down onto the seat. Klaus leaned into the back of the chair and held a hand up to his sinuses. Dave’s bubbly and loving boyfriend was now tired and not feeling well. Dave felt guilty that he was quite enjoying the show that Klaus was putting on. His sneezes were so desperate and gorgeous and everything Dave wanted to hear.

Unfortunately, Klaus was now dizzy. He massaged his sinuses for a minute or two before bringing his hand up to nurse his head.

Dave leaned in and kissed Klaus on the lips gently. Klaus kissed him back. As Dave pulled apart, he slid his nose up against Klaus’ in a quick motion that sparked a tickle in Klaus’ nose.

“Davey you sonovabitch-ihhh? EhhhhhHh…ugh. Oh-waitno-HnngtshIEH! Oh fuck that was big. HhhhhISHieh! Oh my-ixgtshiEHH-ixhtshiew!” Klaus’ nose was leaking a bit and he swiped at it with his sleeve, wincing after. His shirt was a little rough for his liking. He grabbed a dish towel off of the table and blew his nose into it.

“Hey! That was for taking our dishes out of the oven!” Dave grinned. “Bless you.”

Klaus hiccupped. “My nose tickles so fucking much what the fuck.”

He shook his head wildly as another hitching breath coursed its way through him, this time leaving him in despair.

Dave returned to the saucepan and started seeing if it was ready to go on the pasta and the chicken. He stirred it around for a few more minutes and added some parmesan cheese. He startled when he felt Klaus’ arms around him. He was supposed to be sitting down.

“Honey, what are you doing up?” Dave asked.

Klaus shrugged, “I got bored.”

“You can’t be all sneezy around the food, baby.”

“Oh no no I promise I’m dhhh-donesneezing. Forever.”

“You sure?” Dave turned his head around to assess the damage. Klaus still looked pretty sniffly, but he didn’t look like he was going to start up again soon. So Dave returned to cooking, letting Klaus hug him from behind and give him occasional tips from over his shoulder.

“No, Davey. That’s too big.” Klaus was helping Dave to dice onions.  Dave went back over the patch he’d messed up on.

“How’s that?”

“Perfect!” Klaus giggled and pressed a kiss into Dave’s hair from behind. “Perfeziona-hhh’nxgsh!” Klaus sneezed suddenly into Dave’s hair. “Hehehe, whoopsies - oh my god!”

Klaus grabbed Dave’s left hand, holding up the index finger, which was bleeding a bit.

“What happened, Davey?” He frantically ripped off a paper towel and held it up to his boyfriend’s finger.

“Uh, I dunno. My hand slipped.” Dave shrugged. He had his head down. Klaus put a hand on his cheek and made him look back at him. Dave was blushing profusely.

“Why are you– oh my god, it was the sneeze, wasn’t it?” Klaus bit down on his lip to keep from giggling when Dave nodded. “You’re fuckihhhhh….. n’gxtshuu! shitting me right now. You’re gonna cut your hand off next time.”

“Klaus, it’s just a little cut,” Dave protested. Klaus scrunched up his nose and response. Then a devilish little smirk crossed his face.

“Well, in that case -hh!” Klaus yanked Dave’s hand away from the stove and kissed his booboo. “Mwah!-hih!” He buried his nose into Dave’s palm. “h’xnkgt!”

Dave yanked his hand away, blushing deep red.’

“Klaus, you’re sneezing again. You should go sit back down.”

“No,” Klaus sniffled and swiped the back of his hand across his nose. “I’m fine. We have to finish cooking.”

And they did. It only took them about ten more minutes to finish cooking. In that time, Klaus’ sneezes slowly died down until they came to an apparent stop. And when they finally sat down to eat, he managed to convince Dave that he was sober enough for another glass of wine. He wanted more Pinot Noir, but Dave wouldn’t let him touch it. He resolved to finishing off the bottle himself, and (reluctantly) poured Klaus a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.

“Mmm,” Klaus leaned back in his seat with a contented sigh, staring down at his empty plate.  “That was so good, Davey. I’m a culinary genius.

“Just you?” Dave asked through a mouthful of spaghetti He was only halfway through his own plate. “Last I checked, I helped.”

“Hmmm, I guess. You were my sous chef,” Klaus said with a giggle and a little shrug. He let out a tiny burp and brought a hand to rub at his bloated tummy. “Ugh, I’m so stuffed. Not complaining though.”

“I can’t believe you ate all that.”

“I hadn’t eaten all day!” Klaus leaned over the table to poke Dave’s nose. “Don’t judge me.”

“Not judging,” Dave scrunched his nose and swallowed his food. He booped Klaus back on the nose. “You’re cute.”

“No, you’re cute! You’re cute when you’re eating, with your teeny-tiny widdle mouthfuls!” Klaus picked up a handful of spaghetti off of Dave’s plate with his bare hands and dangled it over his boyfriend’s face. “Let me eat vicariously through you.”

Dave shook his head and chuckled but nonetheless obliged, setting his knife and fork down and opening his mouth up wide for Klaus.

“Heeeeeere comes the….. Hih! Hih’dTSHieww!”

Klaus heard Dave laughing before he opened his eyes. When he opened them, he saw his boyfriend doubled over and hysterical.

“What’s so funny? It was just a - hih’xngtshu! A sneeze,” Klaus grinned. “I get that you like them but this is a bit extreme.”

Dave didn’t look up, just pointed towards the wall.

“L-Look at the,” he giggled between words. The wine must be getting to him, too. “Look at the wall, bug.”

Klaus followed Dave’s gaze and looked at the wall, which was smeared with chicken piccata, spaghetti noodles slowly sliding down towards the floor. He laughed even harder than Dave.

They ate for a few more minutes until there was no more food left to eat. Klaus had convinced Dave into letting him have another glass of pinot noir. Dave was on his fourth glass.

“Hh’hetsjhuh! IhhNXGT’uh! Hihhh…hiehh…fuck,” Klaus sniffled hard. He picked up his napkin and squished his nose into it, blowing hard.

Dave smiled softly. He said, “So the wine sneezes are back. C’mon, bug, let’s get you to bed. I’m gonna clean up but I’ll be right in with a box of tissues as soon as I’m done.” He pressed a kiss onto Klaus’ sweaty forehead.

“Ehh’nXGTzhiuu! Will you be my tissue?”

“Anything, for you.”

[Wilde]

I love this! You guys write Klave so lovely, and I really like their dynamic in this piece as well as the previous one. It’s cool how you manage to give a character that we haven’t seen much of in the show such a strong personality, and to keep it uniform across fics. Also the wine sneezes are hilarious and cute. Thank you guys!

[Bee]

@Wilde one Ahhhh thank you so much!!!! I'm really glad you're liking it. Hehehe me and my writing partner came up with a whole backstory and family for Dave which helps us a lot hahaha. We conveniently agree on all of our headcanons about TUA snz stuff, and help each other develop our headcanons a lot. We have a lot of headcanons for all the boys, not just Luther and Klaus. Maybe I'll torture Diego next. Hmmmmm.