Female Not Now, You Fool (CAOS: Zelda Spellman)

[EmilyBrown]

     Zelda closed her compact with a snap. Greendale's mayor's funeral was today which meant that not an eyelash could be out of place. She hated to say it was good for business, but it was. The entire town would be packed into the Spellman house, and they would see just how lovely a service the sisters put on.
     With such an undeniable opportunity literally on their doorstep, Zelda Spellman could certainly ignore the tickle growing at the back of her throat.
With a quick shake of her head, she pulled back her shoulders, stood up straight, and marched herself downstairs to greet the veritable sea of mourners.
     It was a delicate art, hosting funerals. One couldn't be too cheery, but neither could one be too morose. The balance between comfort and business was a careful one, and the unaffected Zelda was primarily business while the ever empathetic Hilda kept the scale even in comfort. The sisters had the whole routine down to a science.
     As Zelda reached the rail of the grand staircase, however, she knew today would be much more difficult than usual. Below her was a sea of flowers perched atop nearly every available surface. Sabrina and Hilda had really outdone themselves this time. Many of the citizens of Greendale had sent flowers to honor their beloved mayor. Bouquets sprouted out of the walls and lined the floorboards. Garlands hung from curtains and dangled from the doorways. Hilda had even hung orchids in planters that swung above their guests' heads.
     Zelda had to admit it was gorgeous, practically a paradise for any garden witch, but for her it was a minefield that could well spell disaster. The fragrance wafted up around Zelda, further aggravating that incessant little tickle. But, she didn't have time to worry about that now. There were guests to be greeted and condolences to be offered.
     She descended the stairs and turned to speak with the family that Hilda had been comforting. Zelda's job was to confirm their decision for an open casket and prepare them for the visitation. She'd make sure they were ready, and then she'd open the doors and plug the hell out of her business -- tastefully, of course.
     As people flooded into her home, there was a murmur of awe at the extravagant trappings of the funeral. It wasn't typical that the foyer was so lavish, but Zelda would never admit that. From the buzz circulating through their visitors, Spellman Sister's Mortuary would be gaining much more business.
      Zelda greeted the guests somberly, quietly directing them to the registry and handing out pamphlets, standing at Ambrose's side as he waxed poetic about the fleeting nature of life, about how it passes by like a butterfly: so beautiful yet so short-lived. Zelda sighed. She knew this took its toll on her nephew, chained to the land where life simply passed him by, but her job was not to console him too.
     "Ambrose," she said. "Don't be so morose. It's not your funeral."
     "Ah, but Auntie Zee, someday it will be. And on that day, I won't be able to reminisce. I'll be dead."
     "That won't be for a very long time. Your Aunt Hilda and I will be long gone before that."
     "Now who's being morose?"
     "I'm just being realistic, Ambrose."
     "Are you sure? You're crying."
      A hand flew to her eye. She found it wet.
     "Pollen," she dismissed, swiping it away. Of course, she wasn't wrong. The tickle in her throat had spread to her sinuses, making her eyes water with the force of trying not to sneeze.
     She pulled a handkerchief from her sleeve and dabbed at the corners of her eyes and briefly under her nose. And of course, this proved to be a mistake. The tickle in her nose came full force, burning in its urgency, prompting her to hastily excuse herself to the kitchen.
     And of course she was waylaid by none other than Ms. Wardwell, Sabrina's homeroom teacher and perpetual thorn in Zelda's side.
     "Zelda, I must say I'm impressed," the teacher purred, raking her gaze along Zelda's voluptuous figure. "The place is stunning."
     "Thank you, Ms. Wardwell, but I really have to--"
     "Oh, call me Mary, please," she interrupted, once again postponing Zelda's increasingly urgent escape. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes and her nose was beginning to quiver.
     "Of course. Mary. Now, if you'll excuse me--"
     "But before you go," there was a wicked glimmer in Mary's eye, "might I ask about how you were able to suspend these lilies so perfectly." She plucked one from the mass that clung to the stairwell and extended it toward Zelda. "Is there a particular spell you--" 
     This time it was Zelda's turn to cut Mary off. "Ms. Wardwell, please!" she said, her breath hitching as she batted the lily away from her face. But it was too late. The lily had done its damage. Zelda squelched a harsh trio of sneezes in her handkerchief as she stumbled past Mary and into the kitchen.
     In the safety of the kitchen, she sniffled in preparation for the next onslaught of sneezes. Her breath hitched erratically, and she could already feel the congestion building in her sinuses.
     At the sound of the door and of heels on the floor, she spun around. Mary Wardwell stood there grinning deviously, still holding that damned lily.
     "M-mary. Wha... what are you-- hhih... hh.. doing?"
     "My dear Zelda, I think you know," Mary said, advancing toward her, spinning the lily between her thumb and forefinger.
     "No," Zelda gasped, backing away, her breath hitching. "I don't have ti--hh--time for this."
     "Surely it would be better to have some sort of release," said Mary breathily, continuing forward, extending the lily as she backed Zelda into the counter.
     The lily brushed against Zelda's shuddering septum as tears spilled freely down her cheeks. Satan, it burned like hellfire. Zelda's chest heaved as she quaked on the brink of what was sure to be a fit of epic proportions. Through her tears and hooded eyelids, she could see the look on Mary's face. It was somewhere between fascination and glee, between excitement and concern; but the one unmistakable feature was lust. Lust that made the corners of Mary's mouth twitch with each hitch of Zelda's breath, that parted her lips with anticipation.
     At last, Zelda gave herself over to the unstoppable tide. "Hh-ettchhu-Itchhuu-Ecchhew" they came one after another, tearing through Zelda's body, throwing her forward to catch them in her handkerchief. "Hh-etchu. Hh-hh-ettchuu. H'nxxt. H'ngtchuu. Hh'itchew."
     Regaining control of her body, Zelda blew her nose into her handkerchief and glared at Mary who was equally as breathless. 
     "What were you thinking?" Zelda snapped, her voice lower and huskier than usual.
     "Now now," Mary panted, "you must admit the release was exquisite."
     "Yes. We must do it again sometime, but on today of all days it was uncalled for and irresponsible."
     "But Zelda, I couldn't pass up an opportunity like this: a house filled with flowers, an inopportune moment, your desperation. It was all just... too much."
      Zelda stared at Mary for a moment, studying her, something indecipherable in her gaze before she stepped toward Mary. Zelda traced the line of Mary's arm from her shoulder to her wrist and gently removed the lily from her hand. She looked at the flower thoughtfully before reaching out toward Mary. With great tenderness, she tucked the flower into Mary's mass of curls.
     "There," Zelda breathed before leaning in beside the lily to whisper, "come find me later." 
     As she did so her breath hitched slightly, but before that tickle could come to any fruition, she had blown her nose and receded out the door back into the fray, leaving Mary more than a little shaken.
     "Later indeed."

[curlyq9393]

oh OKAY 

I AM BLUSHING WITH MY ENTIRE BODY HELP

[EmilyBrown]

Thanks!!! I'm glad you liked it!!!

[PropertyofCora]

Ohh, I love them and this was so lovely!  When she tucked the lily behind Mary's ear I audibly squealed.  The boldness!

[curlyq9393]

I literally still think about this fic all the time

[something-instinctual]

I can’t believe how many times I’ve come back to read this one. I’m near desperate for more Zelda Spellman 😭