Ain't Missing You At All (Criminal Minds, Blake)

[Chanel_no5]

***Note***

So at first I thought I’d just change the names and put this in original, then I decided to keep it in the fandom just because it’ll always annoy someone.  

This is angsty as hell, inspired by the John Waite song “Missing You” (duh!), and since I’ve been doing lots of post-divorce angst away from fetish fiction for a while, I have kind of a hard time moving away from it… personally, this isn’t really giving me any fetishy thrill at all, but I'm kinda pleased with the ficlet as a whole, so there you go.  

 

***
And there’s a heart that’s breaking
down this long-distance line tonight
I ain’t missing you at all
 

Maybe it was just because she was sick and miserable, having finally succumbed to the flu that went around D.C at the moment. Maybe it was that it was finally sinking in that she was no longer somebody’s wife, but the clichéd ‘Divorced Middle-Aged Career Woman” – the very cliché she had always been arrogantly certain would never apply to her. Or maybe it was happenstance. Whatever the reason, Alex Blake was missing her now ex-husband so badly her heart ached, and that he had called her from whichever warzone he was currently in just to check on her didn’t comfort her, but rather the opposite.

She didn’t really miss him. Not one bit. Their marriage had been a lost cause years ago, only kept on life support because neither wanted to make the call. They weren’t passionate lovers, never had been. They weren’t romantics; they were seasoned realists who lived separate lives and, at some point, had forgotten the reason they had chosen to walk together in the first place.

It was true they had both kept a mistress: work. It had been their mutual first love, a dirty fantasy and a holy union at once. It had seemed almost noble at one point, then it had become their indisputable status quo, then it had become a corrosive disease, eating them from within.

No, she didn’t miss him at all, she thought as she hung up the phone and tossed it onto the bedside table, among crumpled tissues and cough syrup and decongestants. What she missed was the intimacy, the natural tenderness that came with knowing each other inside out…

She had to laugh at herself and instantly doubled over with a deep, tearing coughing fit that made her throat feel like it was ripped to shreds and her lungs like they had just taken a beating. Oh, this was the worst part about being sick, you couldn’t even laugh at the scraps of things you actually found comical without immediately being reminded that ‘fun’ was an illusion.

She was still coughing, refilling her aching lungs with high-pitched gasps for air when there was nothing left in them to support the rasping, hollow spasms, and then realised she was going to sneeze as well.

Oh God, where has my dignity gone? she thought as she sneezed twice, openly and messily, over the book on her lap. She had been reading when James called, or at least tricked herself into believing she was reading. Truth was, she was too feverish to keep track of the storyline, the words blurred together on the pages ,and she was so frequently interrupted by coughing fits or the occasional sneeze that she had the attention span of a housefly. It was an 800-page novel and she kept turning the pages with no recollection of what she had just read. Nor did it seem important in her current state, the only thing that seemed to matter was her body’s complete, unconditional capitulation to the illness that had struck her out of the blue yesterday.

“Hehh… ehhhgKTSCHHhh! Oww…”

She couldn’t pinpoint what hurt the most; her head, her throat, her pounding and heavily filled sinuses, her lungs, her joints…

… or her heart.

It didn’t help telling herself that even if they were still married, James wouldn’t be here to offer comfort or let her cling to him for warmth. He would still be in some warzone saving the lives of strangers. She would still be here alone, suffering as the flu viruses raged through her. That was why they had decided to cut each other loose after all, because they were not there for each other in sickness as well as in health.

Well, it didn’t matter. She could weather this out on her own, she was a grown woman and she could take care of herself.

And that was lucky, because nobody else would.

 

And there’s a storm that's raging
through my frozen heart tonight
I ain’t missing you at all.

Edited July 16, 2017 by Chanel_no5
word.

[Oolia]

Ooh I really liked this ficlet! I love how it's not really about the flu, but the illness adds that extra bit of misery to her story and offers a different perspective. It's very well written, as always when it's written by you  There are some beautiful poetics about relationships and learning to live alone in there.

Very well done!

[SneezyHolmes]

Oh this was bittersweet but such a good read! I don't watch the show often but you portrayed her emotions very well here! 

[Chanel_no5]

12 hours ago, Oolia said:

Ooh I really liked this ficlet! I love how it's not really about the flu, but the illness adds that extra bit of misery to her story and offers a different perspective. It's very well written, as always when it's written by you  There are some beautiful poetics about relationships and learning to live alone in there.

Very well done!

Thank you so much, that's really sweet.  I almost didn't post it at all because it felt like too much of a downer.  Now I'm glad I did. Thank you!

 

9 hours ago, SneezyHolmes said:

Oh this was bittersweet but such a good read! I don't watch the show often but you portrayed her emotions very well here! 

Aww, thank you so much!  

[Leafeon78]

Lovely this was good thanks for sharing.

[Chanel_no5]

I might write a prequel to this ficlet, depending on how some other projects work out (and how much distraction I want on the side, basically... )

Thought I'd just ask before I start, if there is there any interest in me posting it here, if I decide to toy with the idea?  

 

On ‎2017‎-‎07‎-‎17 at 11:13 PM, Leafeon78 said:

Lovely this was good thanks for sharing.

I'm glad you enjoy my writing so much, thank you!  

 

[Leafeon78]

5 hours ago, Chanel_no5 said:

I'm glad you enjoy my writing so much, thank you!

I absolutely adore your writing.