"One Thing After Another"-Avengers, M&F, Tony & Natasha, colds

[SleepingPhlox]

Holy crap, I couldn't find any inspiration to write for myself for a long time and now this is happening and pages and pages are pouring out and it feels so good to be inspired again!   I owe a great deal of gratitude to Anonymouse's prompt, which started this off and got me out of my slump.

This is a slow-burn, plot-heavy, really long beast of a thing and there is female sneezing eventually.  And a few of the selected tags will become relevant.  Eventually.

This is set sorta after the first Avengers movie where I imagine they spent some time doing minor-ish missions as a group before the time the next movie happened.

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Part 1

With the hand that was not currently holding his glass of whiskey, Tony reached up to idly rub at his nose with a knuckle as he casually scanned the room.  No matter how hard he tried, his eyes kept coming back to the Marilyn Monroe-esque beauty in the vintage style halter dress, her chin length strawberry blonde curls bobbing as her ruby red lips laughed in delight at whatever her gentleman companion happened to be saying to her.   How could he be expected to help himself?  He’d always had a weakness for redheads.   She noticed him staring on more than one occasion, but turned her gaze coyly away until, finally, locking eyes with him over her martini that she casually sipped, she broke away from her conversation to approach him,  her full skirt swinging playfully from side to side in time with the gentle swaying of her hips.

She looked at him with her green eyes full of sparkle and…possibly a bit of lust?…as she leaned in and gently whispered:

“Stop staring at me, you idiot.  We’re not supposed to know each other and you’re going to blow my cover.”

“Oh, believe me, I’m playing my part perfectly,” Tony replied in a low purr.  “The me that knows you is still kinda pissed over that whole fooling me and ratting me out to SHIELD thing.  The me that doesn’t know  you thinks you look incredibly sexy in that dress.  Loving the hair, too, by the way.”

“Don’t be gross.  And ‘ratting you out’ to SHIELD saved your life.” she purred back, still looking in his eyes with wonder and admiration, her tone and demeanor in contrast with her words.  Anyone noticing them would be just under the impression that Tony Stark had scored once again.  And given that Natasha had firmly established her character as an aspiring model that would throw herself at anyone with money, this scene wasn’t something that anyone would bat an eyelid at.  Which was fortunate, because if they spooked their mark now, there was a cruise ship full of people who would be in extreme danger, given that he was smuggling extremely volatile experimental weapons.  And this appearance of flirtation would give a plausible reason for her to visit his cabin later if they needed to exchange information.

Tony snorted in response, though did have the good sense to keep it as quiet as possible.  “So tell me,” he said.  “As long as we have a chance to talk, you find out anything yet?”

“Mmm,” she shook her head, curls bouncing brightly.  “Most guys I’ve talked to don’t see anyone new they don’t recognise - aside from me - and since all you rich New Yorkers move in the same very small circle, it means that having you here and visible has worked, and he’s avoiding large gatherings.”

“Well shit,” Tony grumbled, rubbing at his nose with his knuckle again.  “What are we supposed to do about that?”

“No that’s the point.  Weren’t you paying attention during the briefing?  We’ve got him acting suspicious and it’ll be easier to…you stopped paying attention after the whole you coming here to party bit, didn’t you?”  She tilted her head to the side after noticing Tony touch his hand to his temple while wincing slightly, and then raise a curled hand to his nose and mouth.  “Oh my god, are you actually seasick?” she asked, with genuine amusement.

“Okay, first of all, that’s a stupid question.  Of course I’m not.  And second, if I came here to party, I would be sorely disappointed, because this is a lame party.”

A more accurate version of that sentence would have been “I came here to party, but I was sorely disappointed, because this is a lame party” but he considered the version he said aloud to be close enough to not technically be considered a lie.  The denial of seasickness, however, was one hundred percent the truth.   Which made the fact that it was the statement that Natasha chose to disbelieve particularly vexing.  She smirked at him when she noticed him scrunch his nose and touch his temple again.  Not seasick, huh?  Something was definitely bothering him.  She knew his tells.  Natasha knew everyone’s tells.  She managed to maintain her facial expression and not even flinch when he gave a small cough and she felt his warm, alcohol-stinking breath hit her right in the nose, as if it had been aimed precisely there for maximum smell delivery.

“Your breath reeks.  How many of those have you had?”

“I’ll have you know this is only my second, thank you very much,” Tony scowled, downing the rest of his drink in one and setting the glass down on the table a little too roughly, using the noise to camouflage a sniff.

“Whatever,” he grumbled.  “If we don’t need me to stand here and look pretty any more, I’m going back to my room.”

“Cabin.”

“Who cares.”

He turned on his heel and left abruptly, suddenly a man on a very specific mission - to get out of this room and into the hall as quickly as possible.  Naturally, this sudden and specific action strengthened Natasha’s seasickness theory.

She was, of course, wrong, and the instant Tony made it into the hall the true reason for his discomfort became apparent - although fortunately there was nobody around for it to become apparent to.   The thing he has been trying with all his willpower to stop from happening could wait no longer.  It was going to happen and there was no stopping it.  He swiftly brought his hands to his face and cupped them over his nose and mouth.

“Haaaaaahhh…EGGHKT-tshuuuu!”

Great, now his hands were all gross.  He sniffled and, after a furtive glance up and down the hallway to make absolutely certain he had not been observed, hurriedly made his way down the hall so he could get to the safety of solitude before that happened again, rubbing his nose vigorously to quell the itching.

Rotten, rotten luck and terrible timing.  He’d felt this coming on since yesterday, but he’d had himself convinced that if he ignored it he could make it go away.  He bet he knew where this had started too.  Damn school visit.  None of the brats had even been remotely as impressed as they should have been at having the one and only Tony Stark doing a talk at their school.  They were only interested in Iron Man.  Never mind that he’d prepared  an awe-inspiring speech about Stark Industries’ role in the future of technology.   It went rapidly downhill when they found out he’d only brought a gauntlet rather than an entire armoured suit.  And the question and answer part started with a boy asking him what happened if he farted in the suit, followed by much laughter and many shrilly shouted variations on the same theme, and then the teacher asking safe and bland questions in an effort to maintain order.

“Hiiinghkt-tshuuu!”

And now it appeared he’d acquired a bit of a souvenir for his troubles.

________________________________________________

To be continued...

[ohlala8]

Ooh, I'm excited for this one. I love me some classic h/c sickfic, but it's also fun when people have to push through and do their (superheroic) jobs while trying to hold back sneezing fits. And the dialogue is so perfect! 

[AngelEyes]

Awesome! I love some Tony and Natasha action.

[SuperWhoWolfImmortals]

You have great writing skills! Loved how well you had them in character. Nice job 

[TouchOfGrey]

You write them so well! Can't wait for more!

[Winged]

Oh my goodness You write the best Tony, as always, and I'm so excited to see more of my babe Natasha here. What a nice scenario too! Stuck at sea with nowhere to hide...I'm pumped.

(Also I love ScarJo as a strawberry blonde)

[SleepingPhlox]

On 25/1/2017 at 0:43 AM, Winged said:

(Also I love ScarJo as a strawberry blonde)

I KNOW, RIGHT?  Admittedly I love her as an anything but yeah...

Guys, thank you for your comments.  It means a lot to know the stuff that comes out of my head is enjoyed by other people.  Like, I started out wanting to write this for my own amusement, and it is totally fulfilling that purpose, but I ain't even gonna lie and say that seeing nice comments isn't great, because it totally is.

Still not a lot of sneezing.  I feel like I'm going for the Least Amount Of Sneezes In A Sneezefic record here...I promise it will pick up.

_________________________________________________________

Part 2

Tony had swapped the irritatingly uncomfortable confines of his dress clothes for sweatpants and a tank top, topped with a generously oversized pristine white bathrobe because seriously, would it have killed these people to provide proper heating in the rooms/cabins/whatever.  He’d done what he needed to do, which really had been just show up and be conspicuous.  It was not at all implausible that he would attention a function like this, and not at all implausible that he was prepared with a suit of armour.  Their mark just needed to focus on Tony’s presence enough to not notice Natasha doing her thing in the background.

Tony, however, had other ideas of how the whole thing should go down and his version of the mission involved sitting here with his feet up, and a screen in front of him.  It also coincidentally included a blanket over his legs and also clutching a roll of toilet paper he’d appropriated from the bathroom.  Every now and then he tore off a bit of the paper, wiped or blew his nose with it, and tossed the crumpled result to the end of the sofa.  Gross, yes, but who was going to care?

His plans also included a glass of whiskey he had poured himself the moment he’d gotten back into his room.  If he couldn’t do anything about the rest of his general malaise, he figured he could at least kill the burning sore throat by letting the alcohol disinfect it of germs as it slid down.  A small part of his mind knew that wasn’t how germs or basic human biology worked at all, but that small part of his mind was promptly told to shut up and mind its own business.

“Ehhhhhh…HAGGHKTtshuuuu!”

He let out a noise halfway between a sigh and a growl, followed by a sniff and a noise that was definitely one hundred percent sigh.

Tony had his own particular talents he felt he ought to bring to this mission.  And yes, his very existence and his ability to stand there and be Tony goddamned Stark in any given situation were indeed valuable attributes that only he could bring to the table.  But right now he was far more interested in his singularly unique ability to Just Shut Up And Get Things Done, Preferably Using Technology.  Because honestly, the whole “ooh look at me over here, I’m distracting you while our resident spy does spy stuff!” thing?  It was taking too long and overcomplicating everything.  The mission needed a new focus, and his was precisely the right mind to be put to the task.

Even if the occasional sneezing was a bit distracting.

There was a knock on his door, which he acknowledged by rolling his eyes and turning his attention back to the passenger manifest.  Why looking at this wasn’t their first port of call (Pun intended?  He wasn’t sure.  Did a joke count if there was nobody around to properly appreciate it?)  After a moment or two the knock repeated itself, slightly more urgently this time, and it was accompanied by a voice.

“Mr. Stark?  Mr. Stark are you in there?  I got a surprise for you!”  It was followed by a very feminine giggle, the flirty cadence of which he would have found incredibly alluring if he did not immediately recognise the source of the voice.  Grumbling to himself, he quickly swept every last crumpled damp piece of evidence that he’d spent the last hour or so nursing a runny nose, hiding the used tissues in the blanket, which he shoved toward the end of the sofa.  Perfect.  Nobody would ever suspect a thing.

He looked out the peephole in the door anyway, just on the off chance that he was wrong about  his visitor.  But, just as he’d thought, there she was, arms clasped behind her back, swaying coquettishly from side to side as if caught up in the very excitement of being outside the door of the Tony Stark.  He did have to hand it to her, her complete immersion in the role she was playing at any one given time was part of what made her so terrifyingly good at what she did.  If anyone happened to notice her, all they would see would be an amorous gold-digger with her eyes on a very big prize.  She was impressive, if not a little frightening.

His face betrayed none of this admiration, however, as he opened the door.  He hadn’t anticipated being  interrupted just yet, and he wasn’t sure if he was pleased about it or not.  On the one hand, her being here could only mean that she had information that would move the  mission along.  On the other hand, he kinda just wanted to sit around and be stuffed up and sniffly and grumpy in private for a while.  She sashayed into the room, pretending not to notice, letting her index finger trail along the opening of his bathrobe.

As soon as the door closed, her demeanour changed.  It was so instant and complete that Tony found it quite jarring for a moment or so, despite the fact that he’d seen her do it many times before and should be used to it.

“Right,” she said, all business now, pulling off her wig while simultaneously managing to reach into an overnight bag slung over her shoulder.  Clearly her character had been fairly confident of success then, Tony thought drily to himself.  She pulled out a small, sleek black tablet and dangled it in front of Tony’s face with an ever so confident smirk on her face.  And then, for the briefest moment, her concentration was broken as her eyes landed on the blue light of Tony’s arc reactor, burning brightly through the thin black fabric of his tank top.  Whatever else she had ever been to him: teammate, the one who had spied on him and betrayed him to SHIELD…she had also been the only other person who had seen first hand what that thing had done to him, before he’d found a replacement for the palladium core.  No one, not even Pepper, had seen what she’d seen - the inky black lines snaking out in every direction, like hundreds of tiny tentacles gripping his heart.  For all her training, and her ability to suppress emotion and empathy, that sight was going to stick with her.  Despite herself, her breath caught slightly, and she looked away, managing to avoid looking up and locking eyes with Tony, who was giving her a very distinct “Stop staring and mind your own business” look right now.

“I believe this is all the information we were looking for,” she said, her brisk confidence returning as quickly as it had abandoned her.  “Good thing not everyone decided to take the rest of the night off.  Seriously, Stark?  We’re on the trail of a weapons smuggler and you’re curled up in your pyjamas?  What gives?  If you’re seasick, just get over your damn pride and say so.  There’s stuff you can take so you can man up and get back on the job.”

Tony could not immediately answer, as he was devoting all of his available mental faculties - considerable as they were - to fighting off a sneeze.  He blinked, he contorted his face slightly, he pressed his lips together…and then he lost the fight.

“HehhhPTCHHGH!”

Natasha had to bite her lip to keep a smile from spreading across her face once she realised what was really going on.  This was somehow even funnier than the idea of him being seasick.  The great Tony Stark, curled up and hiding away because he had the sniffles.  There was a sort of poetic justice about it.

Damn it anyway.  The only course of action he had available to him was to immediately start talking.  Like, a lot.  No room for questions, no room for interruptions.

“I’ll have you know I was doing my own work in here.  I don’t know why we didn’t do this in the first place: I got into the passenger list, which was weirdly overly protected by the way, I guess these people have an inflated sense of their own importance.  Like what, do they think the society pages are going to stalk them out here?  Anyway, so I finally got in to the passenger list and…hey, where did it go?”

He had been so ready to show off the fruits of his labour, the information he’d managed to dig up without dressing up and playing pretend…and it was gone, replaced by a jumble of distorted data and random symbols.  The screen flickered and flashed and symbols and characters disappeared, were replaced, and disappeared again.  Someone was actively tampering with it as they watched.

He had been so absorbed in running his mouth off to avoid being questioned about his sneezing, that he didn’t notice Natasha’s rapidly growing look of alarm.

Her hand over her mouth, she could only whisper “No.  Damn it, Stark, what have you done?”

Tony turned around, his expression not unlike that of a pet dog that had joyfully assumed the roast beef cooling on the counter was for him, only to be furiously scolded for enjoying his supposed reward.  He wasn’t sure what was coming next, but he knew it wasn’t going to be good.

“They know,” she said.  “They’re in on it…the whole ship.  Not the passengers, they’re innocent.  But the crew and…and now they know we’re looking for them.  You idiot.  Why couldn’t you just follow the briefing?

His track record with being right wasn’t looking so good today.  But he was right about one thing.  This wasn’t good.

________________________________________

To be continued...

 

[Shamaël]

I'm not a huge Avengers fan but this is great! I really love your writing. There are descriptions, and inner comments, and humor and... well, everything I like! And the fact that there is not a lot of sneezing isn't a problem at all because the sneezes are cery well introduced in the story and that's what's most important. Thank you for sharing!

 

Edited January 26, 2017 by Aliena H.

[Winged]

Natasha being scarily damn good at her job is one of my favorite things. And she and Tony are such a funny but surprisingly effective team -- I always love seeing them together in things!

Your inner Tony monologue is hilarious, as always, and I'm really excited to see where the plot takes us next!

[AngelEyes]

7 hours ago, SleepingPhlox said:

Tony had his own particular talents he felt he ought to bring to this mission.  And yes, his very existence and his ability to stand there and be Tony goddamned Stark in any given situation were indeed valuable attributes that only he could bring to the table.

LOL, total Tony!

 

7 hours ago, SleepingPhlox said:

She sashayed into the room, pretending not to notice, letting her index finger trail along the opening of his bathrobe.

As soon as the door closed, her demeanour changed.  It was so instant and complete that Tony found it quite jarring for a moment or so, despite the fact that he’d seen her do it many times before and should be used to it.

I love this about her!

[ohlala8]

NGL, I'm totally cool with ramping up the sneezing gradually. I, like Natasha, enjoy seeing Tony Stark sniffly and grumpy but not totally incapacitated. This continues to be awesome!

[lilysneeze]

20 hours ago, SleepingPhlox said:

His track record with being right wasn’t looking so good today.  But he was right about one thing.  This wasn’t good.

Hahaha Tony... always trying to be proactive and ending up making a huge mess of everything... XD

Love the slow build up! I always enjoyed sick/sneezefics that were plot heavy.

[SleepingPhlox]

Holy crap, it's been so ridiculously forever since I updated this I had trouble finding the dang thing!  I actually had most of the next bit written but I moved it to my phone when I was changing computers and before I managed to move it onto the new computer I smashed my phone and lost access to it.  So I've been trying to re-do it and I feel like there are some bits that were way better and I will never get them back the way they used to be.

@lilysneeze Your signature is distracting me so hard right now, I can hardly type this because I keep looking at it, I am watching it over and over again, it is the best thing ever omg

Anyway, I would like to thank you guys for the comments and thanks to anyone who happens to be reading as well.  There are so many more things that need to happen in this story, I need to try to update this more often if I want to see it finished this side of 2018

____________________________________________________________

Part 3

Sniff.

Sniff.

Sniff.

It was so perfectly regular that she found herself able to anticipate the dreaded sound a split second before it happened.  She wasn’t sure what was worse, the noise itself, or the anticipation brought on by the mind-destroying predictability.   The principle behind a certain form of torture was similar.  It wasn’t the steady dripping of water that broke the subject.  There was nothing terribly unpleasant or sinister about that particular sensation.  It was the regularity, the fact that the subject knew the drop was coming, began to be able to sense exactly when it would fall, the constant anticipation that always proved too much in the end.  This was very much like that, and she wondered if forcing someone to listen to a sniffling Tony until they cracked and gave up their information would be considered far too inhumane a treatment to subject anyone to.

Natasha tensed her shoulders and gritted her teeth, as if to barricade all the choice language that wanted to come tumbling from her perfectly painted lips.  She tried to remind herself that he couldn’t help it, and that starting an argument would be incredibly counterproductive at a time when every moment counted and lives could be on the line if they happened to slip up.  But it would be so, so hard to function anyway with Tony leaning over her shoulder with his face right next to hers, watching every move she made, every letter she typed, every flick of her eyes over the rapidly changing screen.  They knew she was snooping around in the system, and were working tirelessly to shut her out.  The battle now became a race to see who could be quicker.  The fact that with every passing moment he increasingly sounded like he was losing the battle with his runny nose made concentration all but impossible.

She took a deep breath and summoned every ounce of diplomacy she could muster.

“Tell you what,” she said.  “I’ve got this under control.  Why don’t you go...” Crap.  What was she going to suggest?  If she ended that sentence with “rest”, he was going to get all stubborn and annoying and start trying to do twice as much just to be contrary.  He was terribly predictable like that.  “...in the other room and do whatever.”  Okay, that sort of worked?  She was usually so adept at thinking quickly in all situations, this was a testament to just how distracting the incessant sniffling was.

“Yeah, no,” was Tony’s reply.  “Uh, tech genius, remember?...*sniff*...This right here is kinda my thing.  You need me here.”

Since it would probably be counterproductive to point out that since she had taken control of the screen he had contributed exactly nothing besides watching and sniffling, she decided to reply with “People like you make the systems.  People like me break into the systems.  Completely different sets of skills.”

He straightened up for a moment as he appeared to ponder this.  After a brief moment he decided that accepting this explanation did not lose him any face.  Anyone could figure out how to compromise something.  The real genius lied in the creating.  Sticking around would really just be a waste of his immense talent, now that he thought about it.  Yeah, he’d go do something else.  Maybe something that involved a blanket.  Or two.

He voiced the end result of this thought process simply as “Yeah, I’m gonna go in there...” with a vague gesture toward the bedroom. “And...whatever.”  He couldn’t even be bothered coming up with a valid face-saving excuse to cover it.  He had reached a level of not-giving-a-damn that he could not remember experiencing in recent history.

The moment he disappeared, a loud “Hehh...ehhTCHHHGHH!...HehhhKTCHHH!...heh’PTCHggh!” echoed robustly from the bedroom area.  The cabins were large as cabins went - this vessel was marketed as a luxury getaway for the wealthiest of the wealthy after all - but they were not spacious by any means, and evidently Tony had forgotten that out of sight did not necessarily mean out of earshot.  Natasha briefly entertained the notion of shouting something after him that would remind him of this fact, but decided that the proverbial bear was better off left un-poked.  An unprovoked Tony was a quiet Tony, and a quiet Tony was exactly the Tony she needed right  now.

Tony sat on the edge of the bed, contemplating how his life choices had led him to this miserable moment.  How the hell did he even feel so bad?  He was perfectly fine this morning!  Okay, not exactly fine, he had the whole headache and sneezing thing going on, but before that...well, yes, he’d started feeling “off” a couple of days ago.  And it wasn’t so bad then!  Tired, a little achy especially in his joints, definitely a fever.  Sort of.  It was only a couple degrees, it could barely be classed as a fever, really.   The headache had started then, and it had decided that it liked its new life so much it was going to settle in for a while.  And that weird prickly burning feeling that he couldn’t quite tell whether it was in his throat or the back of his nose.  But that was all.  And he was certain that would be the worst of it and it wouldn’t develop any further, so he took appropriate precautions to medicate himself and observe appropriate levels of rest versus activity.

Which, of course, meant that he drank enough strong black coffee to give an adult rhinoceros the jitters and put in extra hours in the office and in his workshop.  Energy boost and keep the body and mind active.  That was his secret to staying healthy.  Whether it worked or not, and whether he could in any way be described as “healthy”, well that depended on who you asked.  But he swore by his own methods and he was currently completely and utterly confused as to why he was suddenly left feeling so awful completely out of the blue like this.

Grunting from the sheer effort of it all, he pushed himself off the mattress edge and shuffled into the small en-suite bathroom to grab some more toilet paper to blow his overachieving nose into.  On his way in, he caught sight of himself in the mirror.  It was well lit with a revealing light, for those ladies that needed to get their makeup exactly just so, and it just served to highlight every little aspect of his weary face.  Damn, did he really look that bad?  Had he looked that bad out there in front of everyone?  He curled his lip up in disgust as he scrutinised his own reflection.  Dark circles under his eyes, pale skin with blotchy red cheeks and a nose that seemed to be jealously competing in hue.  And there were parts of his perfectly groomed moustache that were distinctly...more glisten-y than they ought to be.

Gross.

He snatched a bit of toilet paper and scrubbed his upper lip as clean as possible, then grabbed a larger piece and folded it over and over on itself before cradling his nose in it and giving a good, hearty blow.  The strain echoed through his full-feeling head and caused discomfort through his sinuses and intensified his headache, though the increased throbbing died down once he stopped.  He reached a hand up and rubbed his temples.  Natasha better finish doing her thing soon.  Find the bad guy’s identity, swoop in and do the hero thing, nail him, then get home, crawl into bed and not come out for a week.

Almost as if she could read his thoughts (and he wasn’t entirely sure that could ever be ruled out), she appeared in the doorway (could it be called that if it didn’t actually have a door?), leaning against the frame and dangling the tablet kittenishly between her thumb and forefinger.

“Managed to find an electronic signature to follow that not only gave me his real name, but a whole big bunch of information we might find useful.  Oh, and we know what he looks like now.”

Tony tilted his head to the side.  “How.  I...well...I...  Just...how did you even do that?”

“I told you.  People like you make the systems.  People like me break into the systems.”

“Is it wrong that I’m a little turned on right n...hehh...EHHPtchhhgh!...now?”

“Sorry stud,” she said dryly with a little shrug.  “The suffering pile of contagion look doesn’t really do it for me.”

Tony answered with a little shrug of his own.  “Fine.  Suit your...hehhKTCCHH!...self.”  Not really in the mood to stand up and get some more toilet paper, he wiped his nose on the decadently soft sleeve of his robe.  Whatever, these things were built to be soft and absorbent.   It would be stupid not to take advantage of having it there, really.  “So what next?”

“We do what we gotta do as quickly and quietly as possible.  We’re against the clock here, they know we’re here and they know what we were looking for.  Well, they know someone is looking, they don’t necessarily know it was us, but they'd have to be pretty dense not to put it together pretty quickly.  My vote is to get this the hell over with and get off this boat before this all gets a little louder than we want it to, if you know what I mean.”

Tony was all for that if it meant getting back to the comfort and solitude of his own damn tower and his own damn bed sooner.

“Right.  So, suit up and do the hero thing.  Got it.”

“No.  Very much no.  That’s the exact opposite of keeping this quiet”

“Okay...so...you want me to run around without my armour.  You know, that thing I use to do everything that I do.  That sounds like the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard some pretty dumb stuff in my time.  I was recently asked if I have to stand there and smell it if I ’cut one’ in my armour.  I think that was a more intelligent thought than that stupid idea.”

“Fine.  I’ll go run around.  You stay here and nurse both your cold and your ego, and I’ll call for backup in the unlikely event that I need some firepower.  Then we can all go home and you can go on the missions that let you fly around and be shiny and shoot stuff.  Deal?”

Tony opened his mouth to give the huffiest retort he had ever huffed, but he didn’t quite manage to get that far.  A knock at the door, that could more properly be described as a pounding, cut into their conversation.  They both froze, staring at each other in silence.  This wasn't necessarily a disaster.  It could be anything, it could be anyone for any reason at all.  

“Oh, please tell me you ordered room service,” Natasha whispered.  Tony just shook his head.

“Little cornered rats,” a large masculine voice boomed from the other side of the door.  “Time to come out and play.”

“Oh good,” Natasha remarked.  “I love it when they do the over the top villian thing.  So much more satisfying when I kick their face in.”

__________________________________________________

To be continued...

 

 

 

[lilysneeze]

@SleepingPhlox Missing accomplished then I guess  Oh lookie we are Stark buddies  ~looking at your signature now

4 minutes ago, SleepingPhlox said:

she wondered if forcing someone to listen to a sniffling Tony until they cracked and gave up their information would be considered far too inhumane a treatment to subject anyone to.

Hahahaha this is epic

6 minutes ago, SleepingPhlox said:

He had reached a level of not-giving-a-damn that he could not remember experiencing in recent history.

Ah, Tony... when have you ever cared what other people think  

[beatlelover22]

This is so awesome. I literally read this entire thread in like .5 seconds sooo

[Shamaël]

On 22/03/2017 at 9:03 PM, SleepingPhlox said:

It was so perfectly regular that she found herself able to anticipate the dreaded sound a split second before it happened.  She wasn’t sure what was worse, the noise itself, or the anticipation brought on by the mind-destroying predictability.

When I read this wonderful beginning, my jaw went slack and my eyes opened wide. It's EXACTLY what I feel when someone is sniffling. I love sneezes, I love sniffles if they are punctual, but the regularity of it makes it unnerving and can become a complete turn-off. (And torturous, yes, I feel really bad for Natasha.)

On 22/03/2017 at 9:03 PM, SleepingPhlox said:

Since it would probably be counterproductive to point out that since she had taken control of the screen he had contributed exactly nothing besides watching and sniffling

On 22/03/2017 at 9:03 PM, SleepingPhlox said:

“Is it wrong that I’m a little turned on right n...hehh...EHHPtchhhgh!...now?”

Can I ask exactly the same question?

[lifelove1]

I haven't even seen the Avengers movie but I am SUPER enjoying this story. Can't wait for more!

[AngelEyes]

This is freaking Epic! I love it! I want more!

On 3/22/2017 at 3:03 PM, SleepingPhlox said:

Natasha briefly entertained the notion of shouting something after him that would remind him of this fact, but decided that the proverbial bear was better off left un-poked.  An unprovoked Tony was a quiet Tony, and a quiet Tony was exactly the Tony she needed right  now.

LOL

 

On 3/22/2017 at 3:03 PM, SleepingPhlox said:

But he swore by his own methods and he was currently completely and utterly confused as to why he was suddenly left feeling so awful completely out of the blue like this.

This whole section on his theory and methods was hysterical, and So Tony!

 

On 3/22/2017 at 3:03 PM, SleepingPhlox said:

“Sorry stud,” she said dryly with a little shrug.  “The suffering pile of contagion look doesn’t really do it for me.”

LOL Totally Natasha!

 

On 3/22/2017 at 3:03 PM, SleepingPhlox said:

“Little cornered rats,” a large masculine voice boomed from the other side of the door.  “Time to come out and play.”

“Oh good,” Natasha remarked.  “I love it when they do the over the top villian thing.  So much more satisfying when I kick their face in.”

LOL, this is great. Very villain-y.

[SleepingPhlox]

LOL It's so funny when I'm all like "I'm gonna write a story!" and then...yeah.    I couldn't write this for ages but I felt like daydreaming today instead of doing boring stuff like work so I actually came up with solutions to some bits that had me stumped and I know how to make stuff happen that I wanted to happen and I had to get this part out and I hope it's not too awkward and jump around too much!

I don't know why I keep stopping writing, it's actually fun and relaxing once I sit my butt down and do it!

___________________________________________________________

4.Uh-Oh Bad Guys

She waited at the door, every part of her body poised, cat-like, as she listened for any sound of movement on the other side of the door.  Her keenly tuned senses could pick out even the faintest of shuffling of clothing where others would hear merely silence.  At least mercifully Stark’s sniffling was contained in the other room, where it could not interfere with her surveillance.

Until he proved that he could be utterly infuriatingly loud in so, so many other ways than just having a runny nose.

She sighed.

For there he was in full red and gold glory, heavy metal boots clunking upon the floor, only a plush layer of carpet between his heavy feet and the steel floor beneath, the joints of the suit whirring mechanically with every movement.  With the faceplate of his helmet up, his miserable cold-ridden face was visible, and she could not help but think she would not envy him once he closed that thing and he was trapped inside that small confined space with his own nose.  But then again, it would be all his own doing and would serve him right.

“What are you doing?” she hissed.

“We’re going to start doing this my way for a change.  I’m going to go knock some guy's teeth out so I can go home and...hehh...hehhh...ehhhKTCHHHGH!...sleep for a week.”

She managed to hold her tongue and refrain from pointing out they had, against her best efforts, been doing things his way, and that doing things his way was what had already gotten them into this mess in the first place.  She rubbed her temple and contemplated the massage she was going to need to book after this to get rid of the latest Stark-related tension headache.  But he did have a point - things had gotten to the stage where doing it his way, with flash and force, was going to be the only way to tidy things up properly.  The longer they lay in wait, the longer the “bad guys” would have to endanger the innocent passengers of the boat.  So when he flipped his faceplate down (and then, judging from the movement of his body, immediately sneezed, which filled her with a sense of smug satisfaction) and bellowed an order to “MOVE!”, she nimbly stepped aside and muttered “They’re all yours, maverick.  Go nuts.”

Of course she wasn’t about to let him have all the fun, and it was only a moment later that she joined him in the hall, fully dressed head to toe in her signature black outfit, all the bells and whistles firmly attached.  The belts, the holsters, pouches and straps all held an array of goodies for combat both close and ranged, and her teammates had only seen a fraction of the arsenal she held somehow, somewhere in the form fitting outfit.

It was strange to see a metal suit look surprised, but it managed to, as the helmet swivelled around to fix the narrow glowing eyes upon her.

“Seriously, how did you...”

“I change fast.  Trick of the trade.”

“Yeah but where did it come from?”

“I had it with me. I always have it with me.”

“Yeah but where?”

“FOCUS, Stark!  What’s the situation?”  She gestured toward the two men looking barely conscious, slumped against the wall.  “Good job there, but I’m guessing they’re not the only ones involved here.  And they’re definitely not the brains of the operation.”

She knelt down, grabbing one of the men by the hair, roughly forcing his head upwards, and positioning a toe strategically between his legs, not enough pressure to cause pain, just enough to let him know it was there.

“Now,” she said, leaning in close to his face, close enough to smell his foul smokers breath, but not letting it show on her face just how vile she found it.  “You’re going to tell me who is running the show and where I can find them, or I’m going to have a little fun.”

“I’m not telling you anything, bitch,” he snarled.  

She applied a slight bit of pressure with her foot.  His eyes widened, but he did his best to remain determined.  She applied more pressure.

“Jesus Christ, lady!  You know what, it doesn’t matter.  They’re on the upper deck, the helicopter is on it’s way, and you’re never gonna catch them.  So do whatever you want.  The weapons are gone and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

There was a faint whirr as the suit turned its “face” toward Natasha again and cocked it’s head curiously.

“He knows I can fly, right?” Tony’s faintly metallic voice came through.

“Like I said,” she sneered, kicking the man in the stomach for good measure, watching him crumple into himself in pain, before casually standing up.  “Definitely not the brains of the operation.”

The suit jerked awkwardly and one of the hands came up toward the face.  He was clearly turning the comms off, but the movements pointed unmistakably toward sneezing.  Obviously he had the reflex to attempt to cover his mouth, even when he couldn’t actually do so.  It was still amusing, and he still deserved it, but she did feel a small twinge of sympathy for him.

“Right, so...top deck then?” he said.  “Lets save the day and get this over with.”

“Right there with you,” she replied.  “You go ahead, I’m going to make sure the halls are clear.  You can take on a little helicopter, can’t you?”

She couldn’t see it, but inside the helmet he had actually managed to crack a smile.

It was not long after they parted ways that his voice cracked through her earpiece.

“Uh...you’re going to want to get up here and see this.”

“This” turned out to be an extremely sophisticated fighter jet.  It was not entirely unlike the ones employed by S.H.I.E.L.D.  Small and nimble, they had the ability to hover - as this particular one was currently demonstrating - perform a perfect vertical takeoff, and perform a complete 360 while hovering.  And that was the least of the problems one would cause.  The standard issue S.H.I.E.L.D. jets were equipped with technology that even gave Tony himself pause for thought, and that wasn’t even getting into the more advanced models for the truly difficult missions.

“Well, shit,” she breathed in astonishment.  “That looks exactly like one of the...”
“Yep.”

“Stolen?”

“Probably.”

“Hydra?”

“That would be my guess.”

Natasha shook her head.  “Man, I am so sick of dealing with Hydra.  So shoot it down already!”

“What do you think I’ve been...hehhh...”  He turned off his comms again, but the suit jerking awkwardly gave the game away.  Okay, she really did feel sorry for him now.  When he came back over the radio, his voice was considerably more congested.  “What do you thi’gk I’ve beed doi’g?  Dode of these guys is doi’g a dabn thi’g about the fact that I ab standi’g right here, and this is why.”

He fired a repulsor blast at the aircraft, which simply seemed to soak it up in it’s matte black paint.  Then, a panel flipped up over his right shoulder, which fired off a small missile.  A few feet from the jet, there seemed to be a brief flash of light, and the missile appeared to stop in mid air before clattering harmlessly to the ground.

He turned to her and gestured toward the jet.  “See?  They’re all in that thing and all I can do is stand here and stare at it.”

They both winced suddenly as a high pitched screech came painfully through their comms systems, filling Tony’s helmet and assaulting Natasha’s ear with the sudden excruciating noise.

“Please stop wasting your toys, Stark,” a voice shouted directly into their comm system.  “It would be awful if you didn’t have any of your little missiles to play with.  Not that they will stand a chance with what we’ve got in store.  You’ve got what you wanted, little Avengers.  The boat is safe, and we will be leaving.  All your precious civilians have been unharmed.  You can’t track us, and you won’t be able to find us.  You’ve had your fun playing at being heroes but enough is enough.  Call it a day and go home, and we will have no further quarrel with you.”

“Quarrel with us?” Tony scoffed.  “Are you from the Cap school of smack talk?”

Of course, they could not hear him, their communication was only one way, and he knew that, but he simply could not stop from trying to get the last word in, regardless of whether everyone knew he did or not.  And then the two stood there, watching as the jet rose slowly into the air and then began to pivot in mid-air.  Tony flipped up his faceplate, giving Natasha a view of his unfortunate face and the effects of having a runny nose with no way to wipe it.  She winced in sympathy despite herself.  

“So...we’re following them, right?” she said, crossing her arms and shifting her weight to one foot.

“Of course.  My whole ‘oh look at us all helpless on the ground’ act wasn’t just for fun.”

“Good to know,” she said with a smile.

He flipped his faceplate back down, and clearly sneezed again immediately after.  She could not help but wonder if he had the worst luck in the universe or if he was doing it on purpose to avoid being seen sneezing or something.  That would be weird, but the man himself was all kinds of unusual, and it would definitely be Stark levels of neurosis to have some kind of hang up about sneezing in front of people.

“Ready to fly?” his voice came through the suit as he held out an arm toward her.  She decided to forego this offer in favour of moving toward his back.  Putting her hands firmly on his shoulders and planting her foot on his lower back, she heaved herself up in one fluid motion.

“Really?  You can’t just ride me like a pony,” he grumbled, then there was a short pause and a chuckle.  “I mean, unless-”

“Stark, put the rest of that thought away and fly, or I’m going to break your neck.”

If any retort was forthcoming from his end, it was contained within the confines of the helmet and not broadcast.

It did not take them long to catch up with the craft.  However, the moment they got it in sight, it became clear it had just been toying with them, waiting to see if they would indeed follow.  As soon as they got within range, it began to pull away.  Tony diverted extra power to his boot repulsors and picked up speed, and for a moment it looked as if they would catch up, but a slight increase in speed from the jet and the distance between them grew again.  He diverted more power, and the cycle repeated again.  And again.  Until finally everything had been shut down, navigation systems, the JARVIS interface...everything except keeping the bare minimum of air circulating so he could breathe, and the comms system.

“Come on, Stark, isn’t there anything else you can do to catch up to him?”

“Not a chance.  This thing is just...built to outrun me and there’s...hehhhTCHHGGHU!...”

That one had obviously taken him by surprise as he did not have time to silence comms.  It also caused his suit to dip and veer slightly, causing Natasha to feel a slight wave of fear, despite herself.

“Shit, Stark, be careful!”

“Give me a break, I can’t help it.”

“Please try.   We’re over water and I don’t really feel like being eaten by sharks today.”

“Okay, you do know I’m flying without automa...mahhh...”

“Stark, don’t you dare.”

“HahhhPTCHHHU!...ugh...gross...”

He did manage to keep his flight relatively stable this time.  He did, however, get distracted for a brief moment.  Sometimes, a brief moment is all it takes.

“Watch out for the...”  Natasha began, but it was too late.  The jet had released a cluster of small disks, each one small enough to fit in the palm of a hand, and it looked as if there were about 50, though it was hard to tell at this speed.  As the suit plowed through the detritus, several of them attached firmly to the metal armour.  He had a split second to wonder what had happened before a sudden surge of bright light burst into the suit, and everything shut down.  In darkness and unable to move, the suit and it’s piggyback passenger fell from the sky and plummeted into the sea below.

 

To be continued, for reals this time.

 

[ohlala8]

I love this story so much! Happy to see you re-discovered your muse. I cannot even imagine how gross it is for Tony to keep sneezing inside the helmet, but it's an interesting idea that even so he prefers to do it in there where he can hide.

[SneezyHolmes]

How have I not noticed this?! I really love the thought of his sneezes throwing off his balance while flying! Jesus Christ I love this and I really hope it's continued!   

[SleepingPhlox]

@ohlala8  Thank you so much and thank you for supporting my story.  I am so glad to get the muse back as well, holy crap.

@SneezyHolmes I think when I only update when the planets align in a certain way and the wind is blowing from a southeasterly direction while the moon is in the first quarter, my stories have a tendency to slip under the radar.  But I'm really happy to hear you were enjoying it.

Notes on this part:  The Savage Land is not currently part of the MCU canon and probably may never be.  But that doesn't mean I can't play with it. 

___________________________________________________

Part 5

Every muscle screaming in pain, Natasha wanted to just give up and allow herself to sink onto the sand, quietly closing her eyes and accepting the sweet release of oblivion.  Every second she did this, she had to battle with her body and mind to keep going.  She was trained to withstand even the most extreme torture, but this was managing to test her resolve.

She had sprung from the falling mass of metal and dove into the water moments before impact.  Not just to save herself, but if she wanted a hope in hell of being in a position to rescue him, she needed to be in control and ready.  But he hit with all the force that he’d be expected to and she had no way of even knowing if he was conscious or not.  And the weight of a grown man plus what was probably at least the weight of a small car was a difficult thing to drag through churning seas and strong currents while trying to keep herself afloat and breathing.

She stumbled and fell as she managed to drag the unmoving suit just out of the water onto pristine white sand.  Choking against the saltwater that had managed to infiltrate her lungs, with one final push she managed to get herself onto her elbows and stagger to enough of a standing position that she could put her arms under his shoulders and drag him clear of the lapping waves.

In between choking and gasping for breath, she spoke to him.  The intent, she thought, was to try to get through to him, if he could hear her, if he was conscious.  If he was alive.  But perhaps some of it was for her own benefit.

“Come on Stark, you better still be with me.  Come on, Stark.  Move something if you can hear me.  Come on...come on...”

She knew full well that the suit would be able to move even while powered down.  It wouldn’t have the full range of movement but the hinges would allow him to move an arm or something.  The pile of limp metal glistening in the harsh sun did not bode well.  She had to get the faceplate off.  At least break the airtight seal.  With no power, there was no telling how much air he had in there.  She looked around at the smooth, thin pebbles at the water’s edge, and the low, overhanging trees.  A branch.  Yes.  That would work.  Pulling herself up to her feet, ignoring the agony she felt in her arms and legs, she staggered over to a tree and managed to break off a dead branch that came to a suitable point.  Dropping down to her knees next to his head, she jabbed the stick into the crack where faceplate met helmet.

The stick broke.

No.

Determined, she tried again.  Again it broke.  For a brief moment, against all her training, she broke.   

“No,” she howled through gritted teeth.  “No.  No.  No.  NO.  NO!”  Each exclamation became more intense, more grief stricken, until she was screaming up at the sky, eyes screwed shut and she beat the stick against his motionless helmet.  Then she caught herself, managing to bring herself back under control.

“Come on Stark.  Come on.  Tell me how to get you out of this thing.  Come on, come on...”  In desperation, she repeatedly jabbed the end of the stick against the helmet until finally, with one forceful shove, she pushed the point far enough into the seal, and she could hear a pop and hiss, almost like opening a soda can.  She allowed herself to feel a brief moment of relief before renewing her efforts with increased fervour, using the stick as a lever to pry the faceplate open, taking some care not to gouge him in the face in the process but if it happened, it happened, the priority was getting him out of there in, mostly, one piece.

His face looked almost serene.  His eyes were closed, his lips relaxed and slightly parted.  One side of his face was bloodied where the impact with the water had caused his head to bounce off the inside of the helmet.  But he wasn’t moving.  He wasn’t moving.  Oh god, he wasn’t moving.

“Come on, Stark.  You better still be with me.  Come on, Stark.  Please.  Come on.  Wake up.  Come on.”  She attempted a smile through her agony.  “Come on Stark, please don’t make me have to give you mouth to mouth.  Your face is absolutely disgusting.”  She tried to laugh through the tears and then said, in a small voice:  “Please wake up, Tony.”

No.  No she wasn’t going to give up on him.  She’d get some water to wash his face and then, by hell, she was going in there for CPR.  She wasn’t going to let him die because she was afraid to get near a little runny nose.  Summoning her strength once again, she crawled on all fours to the water’s edge, scooping up a little water in her cupped hands, then inching back on her knees to pour it over his face.

“Wha’?” His reaction was immediate.  “What the hell?  This isn’t...this isn’t what was just happening.”

His voice was hoarse and breathy and it was the best sound in the world to Natasha’s ears right now.

“Oh thank god.  Oh thank god.”  She allowed herself to collapse onto his chest.  “You’re still alive.”

“Yeah, I...I think so.  Was I...was I not?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“We were chasing the jet.  You yelled at me for sneezing and then...” He looked bewildered, as he searched for memories past that point and found none.  “And then this.  This right now.  Ow.  Ugh...man, if I thought I had a headache before, that was nothing.  What happened?”

“We were shot out of the sky.  I’m guessing electromagnetic pulse most likely.  A bunch of these disks hit the suit and then you dropped like a rock into the ocean.  I’m pretty sure they wanted us to follow them, because it’s pretty convenient that they happened to have these ready to fire.  Now that I think of it, they were toying with us with the speed.  They could have lost us easily if they wanted to. Damn it!  And we fell for it!  I guess on the plus side, I’m sure they think we’re very dead right now.”

“Okay, that explains why it’s hard to move.  Yeah, I’m gonna need help getting out of here.  Can you...uh...can you roll me onto my front?”

“Seriously?  I just dragged you out of the ocean.  Do you know how heavy that thing is?”

“Well, yes, since I’m currently trapped in it.  Look, it opens from the back, I can’t get out if I’m lying like this.”

She nodded.  “Okay just...alright, lets do this.”

Pulling herself onto her knees , she put her hands under the suit and with every last ounce of strength she had...ended up collapsing on top of it.

“Sorry,” she panted.  “A little over-exerted...I’ll try again in a minute.”

“Hehhh...ktchHHHUUU!...tchhhuu!...hehhh’ptchhgh!”

“Oh, come on, really?  I felt that over here.  Gross.”

“In my defense,” Tony snapped.  “I can’t cover my mouth if I can’t reach ihhhhh...hihhhtchhhuu!...it.  Ow, ow, ow.  My head is killing me.”

“Yeah,” she rolled over onto her side so she was facing toward his face.  Which was mostly his chin and a view of his nostrils which...yeah, never mind...she rolled again so she was facing away from that.  That was going to need scrubbing from her memory.  “It’s possibly that you have a concussion from the impact so...if you start to feel nauseous, tell me.  So I can get out the way.  And leave you here.”

“Nice.  You know you care about me, really.”

“Filthy rumours.”

Supressing the smile that crept over her face at the sheer relief that he was okay enough that she could joke with him again, she peeled herself up off her metal resting place and prepared herself for another attempt at flipping him like a pork chop so they could free him from his suit.

“Natasha,” he suddenly said in a shaky, small, almost frightened voice.  “You may have been right about the concussion...”

“Oh crap...okay, please try to hold on and don't do it until I’ve at least gotten you on your side...”

“I...think I might be hallucinating. I...uh...I’m seeing dinosaurs in the sky.”

She looked up, not sure why she did so, it wasn’t like she was going to see-

“No, you’re not hallucinating.  I see them too.  Oh, shit.  Ohhhh, shit!  I...I thought this place was a myth.  Okay, we need to get out of here and somewhere safe.  Now.”

To be continued

 

[SneezyHolmes]

What an awesome update!  I hadn't heard of the Savage Land until this! I'm not much of a quoter (or commenter) but I particularly love her reluctance to look at his face and her desperateness to open his face mask. God I love your writing!  

[ohlala8]

Oooh, not sure how they ended up in the Savage Land but I'm all on board. My very favorite comics-verse sickfic takes place there, everything is more dramatic when there are dinosaurs trying to eat you.

[Arc Reactor]

This is really good so far! I'm excited to see what happens next! 

I love Nat and Tony's relationship it's so hilarious. If you are willing to consider my request, maybe we could have a sicker than he already is Tony after all the action where Nat has to take care of him and there's major Nat/Tony feels?? Maybe he could have a major sneezing fit as well in the middle of the action where the two of them are hiding and they have to be quiet so Nat has to help him out a little to keep from giving away their hiding spot *winks*

I love this story and I can't wait till the next update!