Major Idiot (HIMYM, Ted/Robin)

[Prongs]

A/N: I haven't written anything in YEARS, but I just binge-watched all of HIMYM in like a month, and I needed to fill the void in my heart. And also, I wish they had given us a sick Ted episode. Enjoy!

Major Idiot

Ch. 1

Kids, there’s a reason your mother and I always made you get a flu shot every year.

“-…and that, my friends, is how I snuck into the White House and banged the Secretary of State’s daughter,” Barney finished proudly.

Robin, Lily, and Marshall looked at him with disgust, but Marshall did so while offering a high five. “Dude, that is…” Marshall trailed off when he noticed his wife was glaring at him. “Totally illegal dude, you could get arrested for breaking and entering.” Marshall finished, and received a swift kick under the table from Robin.

Barney scoffed. “Coming from a lawyer who just last week, wanted to, and was actively planning to hide in an Empire State Building bathroom stall with your wife so that you could get locked in and bang all night with an awesome view? Yeah, I’ll take my chances,” he retorted.

Just then, Ted entered the bar and quickly made his way over to the booth. He was bundled up in layers of warm clothing, but still shivering. Snowflakes were still visible on his hat and coat, and his nose and cheeks were pink from the cold. He removed his gloves and rubbed his hands together vigorously, breathing warm air onto them.

“Hey guys, what’d I miss?” he asked, a little breathless.

“I snuck into th.-OW!“ Barney started before receiving a swift kick under the table from Lily.

“I was just telling everyone about the Local Area Media Charity Dinner, tomorrow night,” said Robin, interrupting Barney, sounding distressed. “I need to bring a date, Sandy Rivers will be there and I’d rather not have him trying to get in my pants all night.”

Ted didn’t miss a beat.

“We could go as friends?” he suggested.

“Ugh, thank you Ted! You are a lifesaver.” Robin rejoiced.

“Well then I’d better go upstairs and start grading these papers or I’ll never…get done iiih-“ he cut himself off with the apparent need to sneeze, but after a few moments of squinting and hitching breath, the sensation died. He sniffed once and rubbed his nose hard. “I should get going.”

“Come on dude, you just got here!” exclaimed Marshall.

“Teddd, you’ve gotta stay for at least three more rounds! I have to fill you in on what this bastard Edgar did at work today!” Barney whined.

Ted weighed his options. He could either bail now and be dubbed Lameass of the Week, or he could stay for three rounds max and risk the gang finding out he was coming down with something AND risk making whatever it was worse…

“Okay, but after three rounds I am going upstairs and I will finish grading these papers. Drunkenly, if I have to,” he vowed, making a mental note to take it easy tonight so he wouldn’t have to follow through with that.

Ted had first noticed he was feeling off yesterday night, so he put off grading his Architecture 101 class’ essays and went to bed early, but to his dismay, he didn’t wake up feeling any better. His head ached and his nose tingled, and his throat was sore and so was the rest of him. He had gone to work today anyway, and couldn’t get through one lecture without coughing every few minutes and he felt like he had to sneeze constantly, but was never granted relief. During his lunch break, he had popped into the university market and bought some DayQuil, but given that the congestion was coming back, Ted knew it was starting to wear off.

“I’ll get the first round!” Barney announced, spying a blonde, big breasted Barbie he could hit on. He fixed his tie and strode over to the bar, game face on.

Ted took this opportunity to dig in his pocket for his travel size packet of tissues. He found his last one, folded it over his nose and blew quietly and casually. Marshall, Lily and Robin paused their side-conversation and looked at him, puzzled.

“Any updates on the status of the crooked floor?” Ted asked to throw off suspicion.

“Well, the contractor said it would be an easy repair, but a pretty expensive one…” Lily explained, but Ted wasn’t paying attention.

Unfortunately for Ted, blowing his nose did clear some of the congestion, but it opened his nasal passages just enough for them to tickle. Without a fresh tissue, he silently fought the need to sneeze, nose twitching and eyes watering, but it was too much.

“Hih…iiih…ihhh’NGTCH!” he half-stifled into his fist. Wishing for more tissues, he wiped his hand on his jeans. “Excuse be,” he mumbled, dabbing his nose with the used tissue. But apparently, he wasn’t finished. “Hehh, ehhh’TCHHHU!”

“Bless you!” Marshall, Lily and Robin said in unison, looking at him with surprise.

“Thadks…” he sniffled.

“Are you okay, Ted?” Lily asked softly. Marshall offered him a slightly crumpled but unused napkin from the table.

“I’b fide,” he started, but paused and blew his nose a bit more effectively to rid some of the congestion from his voice. “I’m fine, it was just cold outside is all.”

Just then Barney reappeared at the table with a tray of shots.

“Okay everyone, drink up! This story is ten thousand percent funnier with shots!” he proclaimed, sliding into the booth beside Ted. “And by the way…Daddy’s home.” Like a trophy, he held up a napkin with blondie’s number on it.

Suddenly the tickle in Ted’s nose came back with a vengeance. He tensed, bit his tongue, and tried everything he could to prevent himself from sneezing again. He tried pinching his nose shut, but his breathing became ragged. He thought on his feet and snatched the napkin from Barney.

“Heh’NGTCHUUhhh!” Ted caught his sneeze and blew his nose into the napkin. “Geez, excuse me.”

“DUDE! You just…you just…dude!” Barney cried.

Ted sighed. “I’m sorry, Barney.”

He had to get out of here. Thinking fast, he started patting down his own pockets, looking under the table, and in his briefcase.

“Ah, shit. I think I left my phone in my office at the school. I should go before the last bus. I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he stammered, feigning panic over losing the phone, which he knew was in his jacket pocket. He grabbed his briefcase, stood and gave a final wave, and headed for the door.

He went straight upstairs to his apartment. The three flights of stairs that were normally never a problem for him left him out of breath and coughing. He let himself in and immediately changed into a baggy t-shirt and pajama pants. They were so much more comfortable than the clothes he had worn to teach that day. He hadn’t eaten dinner, and he was hungry, but too tired to fix anything to eat.

“HAH’tchuu!”

Alone in his apartment, Ted sneezed uncovered over his shoulder. With a sigh, he headed to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. He popped a decongestant and downed a shot of cough syrup, determined to sleep it off.

He trudged back to his room and collapsed on the bed, not even bothering to cover himself up with a blanket.

Edited January 17, 2017 by Prongs
spacing was weird

[SleepingPhlox]

I havent seen this show in forever but as soon as I read this fic it all came flooding back to me.  This is all written just like it could come straight from an episode.  Especially the sneezing and blowing into a napkin with a phone number written on it.  Which, now that I think about it, I am very surprised they never used.

Hope you're planning to continue this!

[Hedgehog]

Awww, poor Ted. Looking forward to some care-taking. Also - I love the title.

[lilysneeze]

I really like where this is going  And Ted... it would so like him to drink those three rounds just to avoid being Lameass of the Week omg! 

And the snatched napkin XD I can perfectly picture Barney's face after that 

Someone go quickly take care of the poor bloke!

[MaiMai]

Yes, HIMYM!!

Your character voices are SO spot on, oh man. I could hear their voices and see the whole thing playing out like an episode in my head, you know?

8 hours ago, Prongs said:

Barney scoffed. “Coming from a lawyer who just last week, wanted to, and was actively planning to hide in an Empire State Building bathroom stall with your wife so that you could get locked in and bang all night with an awesome view? Yeah, I’ll take my chances,” he retorted.

Again, your dialogue is so spot on! This part made me laugh so much, because it just sounds so exactly like the sort of conversation they would be having!

8 hours ago, Prongs said:

“Well then I’d better go upstairs and start grading these papers or I’ll never…get done iiih-“ he cut himself off with the apparent need to sneeze, but after a few moments of squinting and hitching breath, the sensation died. He sniffed once and rubbed his nose hard. “I should get going.”

And, um, this part? This is adorable.

8 hours ago, Prongs said:

“DUDE! You just…you just…dude!” Barney cried.

Barney's reaction to Ted and the napkin is perfect!

I am loving this so so much, damn! Your characterisation is so perfect and vivid, you write them all so well! <3 Reading this made me grin so much, haha! Can't wait to see what happens next~!

[bcj1027]

Fantastic start! Can't wait to read more 

[stars123]

Wow this is spot on....it really does seem like it came straight off an episode. Can't wait to read more!

[Prongs]

On 1/17/2017 at 7:07 AM, SleepingPhlox said:

I havent seen this show in forever but as soon as I read this fic it all came flooding back to me.  This is all written just like it could come straight from an episode.  Especially the sneezing and blowing into a napkin with a phone number written on it.  Which, now that I think about it, I am very surprised they never used.

Hope you're planning to continue this!

Haha, yes!!!! That would've been my favorite episode if they had Ted do that!

On 1/17/2017 at 11:30 AM, hedgehog said:

Awww, poor Ted. Looking forward to some care-taking. Also - I love the title.

I hope I can deliver! HAHAHA I'm so glad you got the reference!!!!!  

On 1/17/2017 at 0:29 PM, lilysneeze said:

I really like where this is going  And Ted... it would so like him to drink those three rounds just to avoid being Lameass of the Week omg! 

And the snatched napkin XD I can perfectly picture Barney's face after that 

Someone go quickly take care of the poor bloke!

Thank you!   And I know right...I wrote it and I was like aww...poor Ted! Lol!

On 1/17/2017 at 1:00 PM, MaiMai said:

Yes, HIMYM!!

Your character voices are SO spot on, oh man. I could hear their voices and see the whole thing playing out like an episode in my head, you know?

Again, your dialogue is so spot on! This part made me laugh so much, because it just sounds so exactly like the sort of conversation they would be having!

And, um, this part? This is adorable.

Barney's reaction to Ted and the napkin is perfect!

I am loving this so so much, damn! Your characterisation is so perfect and vivid, you write them all so well! <3 Reading this made me grin so much, haha! Can't wait to see what happens next~!

OMG STOP I WILL CRY  You're amazing. I just really really love this show lol!!!!

On 1/18/2017 at 7:25 AM, bcj1027 said:

Fantastic start! Can't wait to read more 

21 hours ago, metallicstars said:

Wow this is spot on....it really does seem like it came straight off an episode. Can't wait to read more!

Wait no more! 

[Prongs]

A/N: You guys...  

I'm not exaggerating, I literally haven't written anything in 5 years. Maybe I should do this more often! But seriously, these are some of the best compliments I've ever received about characterization accuracy, so thank you so much.  And also, I think this will be 4 parts, maybe more, so here is the second one!  Also, sorry for the lack of sneezing, I just had to set up the plot. Ch 3 and 4 have more sneezing, promise!

Major Idiot

Ch. 2

Penny, if you ever date some guy in the future, when you’re 35 perhaps: be prepared for man-flu. It is brutal, and it is inevitable that you will have to take care of your sick man someday.  And Luke…do everything you can to avoid contracting it.

“Marshall! Did Ted make it home okay?” Lily whispered, tip-toeing through the dark apartment.

Marshall clicked the door shut behind them. “I don’t know, I’ll check-HAAAAA! OWWWWW!” he whisper-screamed as he stubbed his toe on the coffee table.

“Shhh! You’ll wake Ted!” Lily shushed him, making her way to his room herself to see if he’d made it back home from the school.

He was there, and he was sleeping, but not soundly.

Even by the dim light of her phone, she could see that Ted was shivering, blanket hanging off the side of the bed. He was also snoring, which was unusual for him. The tissue box from his bedside table was next to him on the bed, a few crumpled tissues beside it. Lily crept forward a few steps and saw that Ted was soaked with sweat.

“Marshall! I think Ted’s sick,” Lily hissed.

Marshall hobbled to the doorway where Lily was standing and saw a miserable looking Ted. “What do we do?”

“Get the thermometer.”

Lily inched toward the bed and sat down on the side of it and started shaking Ted gently. “Ted? Ted, honey wake up…we have to take your temperature.”

Ted groaned and tried to roll over and put a pillow over his head, but Lily stopped him. “Ted, sit up for a minute.”

Ted groggily opened his eyes and slowly complied with Lily’s request. Marshall returned with the thermometer and a glass of water. Lily stuck the thermometer under a still half-asleep Ted’s tongue.

“101.2,” she read. “Marshall, do we have anything in the medicine cabinet?”

“Dothig for fever. Ad I took the last decodgestadt whed I got hobe,” Ted answered for him, rubbing his eyes.

“How long have you been feeling sick?” Lily asked.

“Sidce yesterday dight,” replied Ted before launching into a coughing fit.

“Marshall…” Lily started, but Marshall was already on it.

“I’ll pick up some meds, soup, everything we need,” he said, grabbing his keys. “Be back soon!” And Marshall was out the door, stubbed toe forgotten.

Lily handed Ted the glass of water and he drank, and the coughing subsided.

“Dammit, Ted…” Lily muttered, shaking her head.

She ran a hand through his damp hair and stood up. “I’m gonna get you a cold washcloth for your forehead,” she stated rather than asked.

“Thadk you Lily…what tibe is it?” Ted asked, plucking a tissue from the box and blowing his nose wetly.

“Umm, 3:00 a.m., why?”

Ted replied with a pair of sneezes. “Hei’ishhuh! Hehh…ih…ih’TCHUH!”

“Bless you,” she sighed, voice laced with sympathy.

“Thadks, add it’s because I have to be okay to go to the…thh…huh’tchishh!”

Lily remembered the charity dinner. “No, Ted Mosby. You are not going to that charity dinner like this. You sound terrible!”

“Lily, I have to go,” Ted pleaded. “I…”

Ted didn’t even have to finish his sentence. Lily knew why he wanted to go so bad. “You’re still in love with Robin.” she finished for him.

Ted said nothing.

Lily sighed again, knowing she couldn’t change his mind. “Well then let’s get you more comfortable until Marshall gets back, and then you, mister, are sleeping until noon.”

Ted had no complaints about that. Lily turned on Star Wars: A New Hope, and gave Ted another blanket in addition to the ones he’d kicked off.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twenty minutes later, Marshall returned with enough supplies to cure a village.

“Ted, would you like some chicken noodle soup, orange juice, Gatorade, vapor rub, a variety of medicines, or some aloe-infused tissues?” Marshall called to his sick friend.

Ted had almost fallen asleep again when he heard Marshall and Lily fretting over him all the way from the kitchen. His friends were the best. He smiled sleepily to himself and tried to call back, but his voice was gone. His throat felt like sandpaper, so scratchy and dry, and no amount of water he drank helped it.

When he didn’t answer, Marshall and Lily appeared in the doorway. Ted coughed to clear his throat.

“Ow,” he winced. “I’ll just have some cough medicine and the tissues…heh…plehh…please,” he said, trying hard not to sneeze. His nose was starting to get raw around the edges from wiping and blowing and sneezing. He was very grateful for the aloe-infused box of tissues Marshall tossed him.

“Hep’tchhuh, HUP’tchuh! HUH’TSCHUuh…” Ted groaned, blowing his nose and falling back against his pillows.

Lily gave him some cough medicine and something for his fever. Marshall and Lily sat with Ted even after he fell asleep, partly out of concern for their friend (and partly because they wanted to finish the movie).

Even though Ted tried to make it to the end of the movie, he was asleep before Luke rescued Leia, and as Lily promised, he slept until noon.

Edited January 20, 2017 by Prongs

[Hedgehog]

5 hours ago, Prongs said:

HAHAHA I'm so glad you got the reference!!!!!  

But of course - this was one of my favorite episodes!

Nice second part. Actually, it was good they didn't have painkillers. 101 is not a high fever; and when he's sweating, it's going down anyway.  But however...

[Bgrace27]

This is so good! I look forward to the rest

 

[stars123]

Can't wait for more!

[Prongs]

Major Idiot

Ch. 3

“H’ptch! Dabbit…” Ted swore.

“Dude, are you sure you wanna go to that charity dinner tonight? You sound like crap,” observed Marshall, straightening his suit jacket. He had come home from GNB to have lunch and to check on Ted, and he was about to go back to work.

Ted was sitting at the kitchen table, grading the papers he was supposed to finish last night. His head was pounding, it sounded like he was coughing up a lung every time he tried to breathe, and he could feel the sneezes becoming more powerful and difficult to hold back.

“Do, but I deed to go- huh’ishuh! – I probised Robid.” Ted sniffed hard to clear the congestion, but it was in vain. He plucked a tissue from the box and blew wetly. Marshall just stared at him.

“I slept for dide hours, I’b fide! Besides, by throat feels a little better. I ate soup,” Ted gestured to the half-eaten bowl of broth, trying to convince Marshall he was fit to go to the dinner.

Very inconveniently for Ted, his nose began to twitch again. He sooo did not want Marshall to prove him wrong, so he tried holding his breath. The tickle just became more intense, so he pinched his nose shut, but his breath hitched, and he reached for another tissue. His eyelids fluttered shut, holding the tissue in midair in anticipation. He drew a long, shaky breath and pitched forward with a heavy, vocal sneeze.

“H’ETSHHHHiew!”

“Bless you. Take care, buddy,” said Marshall, halfway out the door.

“Thadk you,” Ted sniffled from behind the tissue. He blew his nose again, using tissue after tissue, but it did nothing to rid the stuffiness from his voice.

“Robin is gonna know, dude,” Marshall commented, giving him a look of pity before closing the door behind him.

“…I deed adother decodgestadt.”

~~~~~~~~

At 5 p.m., Robin showed up to Ted’s apartment.

Ted had managed to somewhat pull himself together, and though he didn’t feel good, he looked decent. He didn’t know how long he could keep up the façade though - he wasn’t coughing nearly as much, but he could only breathe through his nose 50% of the time, and he could tell that his fever was up. However, in Ted’s cold-addled mind, he was basically ready to attend a formal event.

“You look beautiful,” he greeted her.

“Aw, thanks Mosby, you look nice yourself,” she smiled, and they made their way down the staircase to hail a cab.

Once outside, Ted’s nose began to run. The chilly November air was not helping his cold at all, and he felt a sneeze building. He turned away from her and half-stifled a congested, “H’gxcht!” into his fist. He gave a liquid sniff and hoped she didn’t notice.

She didn’t - she was already in the cab. He got in quickly after her.

“Hey, did you ever find your phone?” she asked with genuine curiosity.

“What? Oh, yeah. It was on my desk.” he lied, fixing his collar with one hand and running a finger under his nose self-consciously with the other.

When they arrived, Ted tipped the cab driver and Robin checked their attendance at the front, and they stepped inside.

The interior of the venue was gorgeous - plain white tablecloths, beautiful white magnolia centerpieces, and a high, arched ceiling with an enormous crystal chandelier. Many people stood, socializing, but most were sitting at their tables enjoying their drinks.

Ted wandered over to a wall, admiring the delicate carvings etched into it. Robin followed, curious as to what he had to say about it.

“This is exquisite architecture,” he said, more to himself than Robin.

Robin just smiled, loving whenever he talked about something he was passionate about.

“Come on, let’s find our table. I want to introduce you to some of my coworkers.”

Ted was determined to get through this dinner, without making it known that he was sick. He was tired and achy, and all he really wanted was to be in bed, but his desire to spend time with Robin won out.

Robin guided him to a table with those fancy placeholders with their names on them, and they got settled. Glasses of red wine were waiting for them, and Ted reached for his immediately. Maybe if he got buzzed he could ignore his headache.

“Ted, this is Theresa the Comedian, and her husband, Bob the Weather Man, and this is Rhonda, she does local politician interviews and this is…”

“Steve, Rhonda’s boyfriend. Nice to meet you, Ted,” Steve reached out to shake Ted’s hand.

Ted made it through introductions successfully, and now the table was having a conversation about some embarrassing microphone incident. Now that no one was paying attention to him, Ted relaxed, reaching into his breast pocket and pulling out his handkerchief. He shrugged off his suit jacket and hung it on the back of his chair, then wiped his nose subtly but kept the handkerchief clutched in one hand under the table just in case.

As conversations started to fade, the lights dimmed, and Sandy Rivers took the stage.

Robin turned to Ted slightly and muttered, “What a douchebag, right?”

Ted nodded, unable to speak. He could feel a prickling sensation blossoming in his sinuses, but he did not want to sneeze now that it was quiet, especially in front of Robin. The spotlight was on Sandy, who thanked everyone for coming. Ted struggled with the tickle in his increasingly stuffy nose, but before long the urge became too strong. His head tipped back slightly and he brought the handkerchief to his nose.

“Hn…’TXCHT!” He sneezed loudly, but politely into the handkerchief, trying to be as hygienic as possible.

Robin turned her attention away from Sandy to lean over to Ted.

“Bless you,” she whispered, placing her hand on his thigh absentmindedly.

Ted nodded his thanks, too overcome with the tickle to speak. When she moved her gaze back to the stage, and her hand off his thigh, he stifled a second one.

“H’ngk!”

He opted to wipe his nose carefully with the handkerchief instead of blowing, to minimize the attention he was attracting. With conscious effort, he was able to keep his nose under control for the rest of the speech.

~~~~~~~~

When Sandy was done speaking, dinner was brought out. It looked delicious: mozzarella-stuffed chicken breast and potatoes, but Ted wasn’t hungry at all.

Conversation around the table resumed as they ate, savoring every bite. Ted forced himself to have a few bites, and act engaged in whatever they were talking about.

“So Ted, what do you do for a living?” asked Steven.

Ted stifled a cough.

“I’m an architect. I recently started teaching an Intro to Architecture class at Columbia,” he explained, fighting to keep the congestion out of his voice. He felt nervous as unfamiliar eyes were on him. And his nose was bothering him again.

“He also designed the new GNB building that just opened last month. He’s the youngest architect to design a building on the New York skyline,” Robin added with a hint of pride.

“Aren’t you, Ted?” She nudged him and smiled, and he gave a half-hearted smile back, rubbing his nose again.

“Well, that’s quite an accomplishment! If you’re looking for another design job I know of an opening for head architect for a church in Queens, I can give you their number if you want…-“ Steven offered.

Ted had his handkerchief pressed up to his nose with one hand, and he gave a “one moment” gesture with the other.

“Ih’pcht! Oh, excuse be. Yeah, sure I’ll check that out,” he said, wiping his nose quickly.

He wasn’t really considering it. Ted loved being a professor. Plus, his dream of constructing a building on the New York skyline was already complete. He just wanted to get that guy to shut up so he could concentrate on not sneezing.

Robin leaned close to Ted again. “Are you okay?”

But Ted wasn’t okay. He needed to blow his nose and he had to sneeze again, and Robin was noticing something was up. He tried to will the tickle away, but in vain.

“H’ngxt!” He stifled into his shoulder, sniffing to clear some of the congestion. He was getting too exhausted to fight the sneezes.

“Bless you. Ted,” Robin said.

“Hm?” He looked up at her expectantly, handkerchief over the bottom half of his face.

“Are you okay?” she repeated softly, with more concern.

“Oh yeah, there’s just something in the air making me sneeze. I’ll be fine,” he reassured her, emerging from the handkerchief. His nose was red and chapped.

“Okay, Rudolph. But I’ve got some allergy medication in my purse if you want,” she said.

Ted blinked, partially in confusion and partially because he was fighting another sneeze. Allergies?

Then it hit him. She thought he must be allergic to the flowers in the centerpieces.

“Umb, yes please. Thh…thadk you,” he feigned gratitude, breath hitching.

She handed him a small pill bottle.

“I’ll be riiih…. right back,” he promised as he stood, finished his glass of wine quickly, and headed for the door.

Edited January 24, 2017 by Prongs

[MaiMai]

On 20/01/2017 at 5:28 AM, Prongs said:

OMG STOP I WILL CRY  You're amazing. I just really really love this show lol!!!!

Awww, you're welcome! I love it too, and I love your writing of it! And the second and third parts, oh man! It's just getting even better!!

On 20/01/2017 at 5:46 AM, Prongs said:

“Lily, I have to go,” Ted pleaded. “I…”

Ted didn’t even have to finish his sentence. Lily knew why he wanted to go so bad. “You’re still in love with Robin.” she finished for him.

Ted said nothing.

Oh man, this part kind of hurt my heart, how Lily just knows that's why Ted is so determined to still turn up to the dinner, even when he's sick...

On 20/01/2017 at 5:46 AM, Prongs said:

Twenty minutes later, Marshall returned with enough supplies to cure a village.

“Ted, would you like some chicken noodle soup, orange juice, Gatorade, vapor rub, a variety of medicines, or some aloe-infused tissues?” Marshall called to his sick friend.

I can completely see/hear Marshall doing this, omg! He is definitely the type to go completely overboard with buying sick supplies like that!

8 hours ago, Prongs said:

“Okay, Rudolph. But I’ve got some allergy medication in my purse if you want,” she said.

Ted blinked, partially in confusion and partially because he was fighting another sneeze. Allergies?

Then it hit him. She thought he must be allergic to the flowers in the centerpieces.

Aaaawww! Robin mistaking Ted's sickness for allergies is such a cute plot point! And of course he would go along with it, he's so stubborn!  

Again, this is so so good, and your characterisation is sooooooooo damn great. <3

[Hedgehog]

Awwww - poor Ted! He won't be able to hide his misery much longer in this situation... Love the third part!

[PetalPunk]

Omg! I haven't watched Himym in a few years! And then I saw an ep in cable about a week ago. Still a pretty good show. 

Man, you wrote this so accurately! I'm so proud! You got all the characters right. and I'm super impressed. You're a great writer. Can't wait for the. Next part 

[Prongs]

A/N: Okay, so I've had the stomach bug all day and I wrote this in extreme exhaustion, but I'm going on vacation tomorrow and I didn't want to leave you all hanging for another week! I think this is a good place to end it, but I have an idea for one or two more parts, just let me know! You all have been GREAT, thank you so much for your compliments! 

Major Idiot

Ch. 4

“Ih’ktchuh! Hih’TSCHOO! Heh…ih?…ugh…”

Once in the hallway, Ted sneezed freely, blowing his nose when finished. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, and heavy as a bowling ball. His throat was sore and so was the rest of him, and he was freezing. He instantly regretted leaving his suit jacket in the convention center.

He turned into the men’s room and checked himself out in the mirror, assessing the damage. The tip of his nose was red and raw, and his cheeks pink from fever. His eyes were glassy with exhaustion and sickness. Unable to do anything about it, he exited the bathroom and started to head back to the dinner.

But first, he sat down on a small bench beside the doors. He just needed a minute away from the noise of a hundred news reporters conversing in their annoying reporter voices, which Ted realized were actually their regular speaking voices. Robin’s was the only voice that didn’t make his head pound.

Ted broke into a coughing fit as he sat there, irritating his already sore throat more. A few people passed him while walking to the bathroom, eyeing him with concern. When the coughing died down, his nose began to tickle. Eyes fluttering shut, he held up his handkerchief in anticipation.

“Hih’PSHHuh!”

“Gesundheit,” said an elderly woman. She paused and looked at him like he was a wounded puppy.

“Oh, you poor thing. Feel better, dear,” she sympathized.

Ted looked up, still tending to his nose, just as the woman turned to walk away. It was the mayor of New York City’s wife. He blinked a few times to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating. He sat there, speechless until she turned the corner for the ladies room.

“Thadk you!” he called after her.

That would have been so cool if he wasn’t so miserable.

He blew his nose wetly one last time and pocketed the handkerchief. It was becoming embarrassingly damp, and it wasn’t helping him very much anymore.

He stood, bracing himself against the wall for a second until the dizziness passed, shivered once, and headed for the door back inside. Right as he reached for it, someone else opened it from the other side. It was Robin.

“Hey! I was just coming to make sure you weren’t like, dying in the hallway or something,” she laughed.

Ted chuckled hoarsely, which caused him to cough once, but he passed it off as normal. “Nah, I’m okay,” he said, returning the pill bottle without taking any.

“Good, because dessert is served. I’ll be there in a minute!” Robin said cheerfully.

As he made his way back to the table, Ted couldn’t shake the thought: is she flirting with me? She was being super smiley, which was unusual. After all, this was Robin Scherbatsky: Canadian, hockey-playing tomboy. But, she made comments like she was proud to have the youngest architect to have a building constructed in New York as her date. And she had been pretty strict with her “No Physical Contact After Breaking Up” rule up until tonight.

He arrived at the table and slid into his chair tiredly, hoping his appearance wouldn’t spark conversation but of course, it did.

The others were happily eating their chocolate lava cakes, but they looked up when they saw him return. “Everything okay?” Rhonda asked.

As much as he appreciated the concern, he would’ve rather been left alone so he wouldn’t have to lie his ass off.

“Yeah, yeah I just had to get away from these flowers for a seeh…eh’ngshh!” Ted aimed the sneeze into his lap, the tickle returning too quickly to for him to cover. He moved to wipe his nose on his sleeve but stopped himself – it was a nice shirt. He sighed and resigned himself to sniffling.

The table blessed him, including Robin, who sat down next to Ted and commented, “Look Ted, chocolate! That’ll cheer you up.”

“Actually Robid, do you wadt the rest of bide? I’d dot that hudgry,” he said.

Robin looked at him carefully. Sensing her suspicion, Ted avoided her gaze and forced himself to have another bite of cake. He felt her eyes on him as he chewed but he couldn’t keep himself from wincing slightly as he swallowed, coughing harshly and immediately reaching for his glass of water.

“Ted Mosby. Look at me.” she ordered.

He did. She noted the flushed cheeks, the open-mouthed congested breathing, the glassy, bloodshot eyes, his overall appearance. It all screamed “illness, not allergy.”

She placed the back of her hand against his forehead. He was burning up.

“You’re not allergic to these flowers, are you?”

Ted started to lean into her cool touch, until his nose betrayed him at that moment. He turned away from Robin, nostrils flaring, and sneezed into the crook of his arm.

“Huh’gschuh! Dot eved a little bit.”

~~~~~~~~

“Oh, Ted…let’s get out of here,” she suggested, reaching for her purse.

“Do, it’s fide, we cad stay! It’s probably dot that buch loger adyway, right?” Ted asked, feeling too guilty to cut the night short.

“The auction hasn’t even started yet. It’s a charity dinner- but it doesn’t matter, you need to go home.”

“I dod’t wadt us to leave early because of be. I’b okay, really,” he said, but his body shivered involuntarily.

“No, Ted. We’re leaving. I don’t have to be here. I’ve made my rounds, my coworkers know I was here. You should be in bed.”

Robin stood abruptly, gesturing for Ted to follow.

“Excuse us. We’re gonna have to be heading out early,” she told the table.

They waved off her apology and said their goodbyes to her, then told Ted to feel better and that it was nice to meet him.

“Thadk you, I’ll try to. It was dice to beet you too,” he said, putting his suit jacket back on, giving a final wave, and then heading out the door after Robin.

“Where to dow?” asked Ted curiously as Robin hailed a cab.

“Your place,” Robin said, taking him by the arm and the two of them got into the taxi.

The ride was mostly silent, punctuated by Ted’s sneezing and coughing.

“Sorry I bade us leave early,” Ted apologized, sniffling pitifully, leaning his head on her shoulder in defeat.

“No, I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to come to this thing even though you were sick.” Robin said sadly, taking his hand and lacing her fingers through his.

Ted accepted her hand in his, but sat up indignantly.

“You could have told me…-” she continued.

“Robid,” Ted interrupted himself with a sneeze, “hih’gchuh!”

“Bless you. Yeah, Ted?” she asked, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

“It was worth it.” He smiled sleepily.

She rolled her eyes at his disregard for his health, but smiled back.

“You’re a major idiot, you know that?”

“Major Idiot,” the pair simultaneously saluted an imaginary army official, quoting their inside joke, though Ted’s voice was more congested than hers.

They both laughed, and when the moment was over, they were left gazing into each other’s eyes. The cab sat in standstill traffic, but the lights and sounds of the city were in another world to Ted and Robin. They took their time, savoring the moment, but slowly, they both leaned in, closer and closer, until their lips finally locked in a gentle, passionate kiss.

Edited January 27, 2017 by Prongs

[lilysneeze]

This definitely needs a contagion follow up (I mean come on! Robin kissing him when he is this sick...) even if it comes two weeks from now great job with the story, I loved every word of it!

Edited January 27, 2017 by lilysneeze

[stars123]

1 hour ago, lilysneeze said:

This definitely needs a contagion follow up (I mean come on! Robin kissing him when he is this sick...) even if it comes two weeks from now great job with the story, I loved every word of it!

Yes agreed!!! Too sad to see this end....contagion would be amazing 

[pirate_wench]

God I always had a thing for Ted
I just LOVED that he rested his head on her shoulder <3

Thank you so much, Prongs! Great writing!!

[Hedgehog]

"Major Idiot", indeed! *lol*  For me, this is the perfect finish for this story. Although I'm sure, I would like another (Robin caretaking ^^) part as well.