B99 Birthday Fic for Stephab13!

[Anonymouse]

Hiya! This is a fic for @stephab13 who wanted some sick Jake Peralta for her birthday. I'm sorry it took longer than expected! It will be in two parts, with some caretaking from Rosa later on, but for now she's just teasing him mercilessly. Special thanks to @Winged for reading my rough draft and providing some valuable suggestions. I don't often write in third person omniscient but I wanted to get a little bit of everyone's PoVs in there, so I'm sorry if it comes off as a little awkward. Anyway, here is part 1! I hope you enjoy and happy belated birthday! 

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"This is the best day ever."

Jake leered at Rosa, unable to retort because... well... he couldn't talk without it hurting his throat. What he considered to be the worst thing ever was apparently cause for his colleague to celebrate. His failure to respond verbally made Rosa grin -- not the small, fleeting smirks she was known for, but a terrifyingly genuine grin -- because it confirmed what she already knew to be true. Jake Peralta had laryngitis. The precinct would be a little more bearable for the next week or two.

"What's that?" Boyle asked, making his way towards the two of them with a mug of something steaming.

He gave it to Jake, who risked further damage to his vocal cords by scratching out a "Thank you, Charles." His voice sounded like a thousand demons clawing their way out of Hell, but unlike Rosa, Boyle was a true friend, and it was totally worth the agony of speaking to show him gratitude.

"I was just saying how awesome this is," Rosa said as Jake ventured a taste of the concoction Boyle prepared for him. She paused to watch as he made a face. Predictable. "I can't remember the last time Jake kept his mouth shut for more than twenty seconds."

Jake placed the mug back down on his desk and glared at her again. He found himself relying more on his facial expressions to convey his feelings now that his voice was out of commission. Fortunately he had an expressive face - the only part of his body that didn't hurt - as well as a best friend who never hesitated to come to his defense.

"This isn't a good thing," Boyle said, vicariously indignant. "Our best cop is benched and we've got Tactical Village next week."

"Your best cop is sitting right here," Rosa said, pointing at herself with both thumbs. "And I haven't been sick since 2013. Jake gets sick like five times a year. Good cops shouldn't get sick that much."

"At least I can still function when I'm sick," Jake said hoarsely, no longer able to sit quietly while he allowed himself to be slandered. "You can barelyyiiHH!-hh... barely-IHSSHHH!"

Even his sneezes were essentially voiceless. Rosa took advantage of the interruption to tease him some more. "Barely what?" she smirked. "Barely talk?"

Jake pressed a mound of tissues to his face and resumed his glaring over the top of the pile. He squeaked out another weak response and she shook her head, leaning forward with her hand to her ear as if to amplify his pathetic attempt at speech.

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of you being estar hecho papilla."

He tilted his head at her in question, making her laugh at the irony. "Sick as a dog," she clarified.

Jake tried to remember the Spanish word for asshole as he tossed the tissues into the trashcan, dragging the box of fresh ones closer to his desk. He had a feeling his body wasn't done torturing him yet. And neither was Rosa, apparently. Seeing his face contort, she decided now was the time to question what should have already been quite obvious.

"You gonna sneeze again?" she asked, moving out of the way preemptively.

Jake shook his head no but then proceeded to do just that, catching two more breathy sneezes in the cluster of tissues. He groaned in the aftermath, the action irritating his already sore throat.

"Why don't you just go home?" Rosa said, sounding slightly more sympathetic but mostly just annoyed. "You sound miserable. You look miserable."

"Because the Captain wouldn't let me go with him, and he needs someone to take care of him," said Boyle. "Right, Jake?" he added quickly, glancing at his friend as if to seek reassurance that his presence was a absolutely essential.

Jake nodded in agreement, taking another hesitant sip of his tea-like beverage. It seemed to go down easier this time, but he still pulled a face. Rosa learned not to take anything "edible" Boyle presented to them at face value. She rolled her eyes at the sad state of codependency before her and straightened up, feeling superior. When she got sick, she preferred to be alone and she always did just fine. Jake always needed people around him, regardless of the state of his health. "You probably weren't assertive enough," Rosa said. "Watch this."

She marched into Captain Holt’s office and announced that she would be taking an hour to bring Jake home and make sure he had everything he needed to make a full recovery. Holt endorsed her announcement with a permissive nod before returning his attention to the paperwork on his desk. Strolling back out to the bullpen, Rosa gave Boyle smug nod as he stared back at her in disbelief. Feeling cocky in light of her success, Rosa began to realize that she had just volunteered herself to care for what was essentially a toddler in an adult body.

Jake started sniffling wetly in an effort to keep his nose from running, only further proving her point. She threw a few tissues at him and he grudgingly took the hint, blowing his nose until he could breathe unobstructed. Rosa went to her desk to gather her belongings as Jake stood up, taking a few seconds to steady himself. When Rosa returned she shoved her helmet into his arms. "I brought my bike today," she said. "I hope you're strong enough to hold on."

Jake gulped, wincing, then gave Boyle a little wave as he and Rosa walked to the elevator. Once she was settled on the motorcycle he fell into place behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist as she prepared to take off. Before she could start the engine, though, he gave her waist an urgent squeeze. "What?" she demanded, just as she felt his chest press against her back with a long inhale.

"hhihSHHHHH!" He gasped, squirming to get an arm up to shield the next one. "ISHHH!"

"Get it out now," she said, without turning around to look at him.

She waited, but he only sniffled ambiguously in response. When she confirmed that there were no more sneezes forthcoming she took off, feeling her friend's grip tighten until he nearly squeezed the air from her body. It was a relatively silent trip; having lost his voice, Jake couldn't scream as they darted through traffic on the way to his apartment.

[stephab13]

Oh my God, this is wonderful!!!! I love everything. Rosa's teasing is amazing (and I honestly don't blame her!!!. The shout out to Boyle's 'concoctions' (does Boyle make his own tea blends? Or just go out his way to find the most ridiculous sounding one?  ). I love the tactical village idea... Jake doing that almost silently would be hilarious. But nawww to Rosa and her twisted way of caring. And oh Jake. All the feels.

Thank you so much for writing this! I really appreciate it. And can't wait to see what's next :-)