Unholy Flu into you

[Rook]

HELLO ALL  Hopefully this doesn't suck. Ok so this idea is based off the new tv show Lucifer and i have limited stuff to go on, Regardless enjoy

(this the actual tv words intro)

In the beginning the Angel Lucifer was cast out of Heaven and condemned to rule Hell for all eternity until he took a vacation.

It was a quiet peaceful night except for one man or should I his majesty Prince Lucifer Morning-Star Prince of Darkness and yes he is the actual devil. But enough of the monologue enjoy my suffering, HRSHOOO HESHOOO HNCHX "Bloody hell! this is insane " (Yes he is British") 

[Hedgehog]

Sorry but... three lines are not a "story"... There's a *drabble* forum for very short things.

[Rook]

I am not done I was just very tired last night and the idea would not leave me alone.

[Chi]

Can you continue?

 

[Rook]

Of course 8)

[Chi]

Yay

[Rook]

Continuation of chapter one 

Previously:  

In the beginning the Angel Lucifer was cast out of Heaven and condemned to rule Hell for all eternity until he took a vacation.

It was a quiet peaceful night except for one man or should I his majesty Prince Lucifer Morning-Star Prince of Darkness and yes he is the actual devil. But enough of the monologue enjoy my suffering, HRSHOOO HESHOOO HNCHX "Bloody hell! this is insane." I shook my head and blew my nose and I fell asleep.

 

(Two hours later)

*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIING* "What!" "Hello to you to Lucifer" "Detective do we have a case?" "Yep and its in a church." "Give me 5 minutes" "Im outside" I changed into my everyday outfit and was greeted by the lovely face of Chloe Decker. "Ready?" "As i'll ever be" 

[Rook]

Walking outside I felt it begin to rain Bloody brilliant being the gentleman I was I took off my jacket and put it on Chloe I'm the devil not a asshole "Lucifer what are you...oh" I feel his warm jacket embrace me. "You'll get sick you know" "You'll nurse me to health again because you feel a form of guilt, which you shouldn't but regardless my only request is wear a naughty nurse outfit.' "Shut up and get in the car." "Oh your a dom lovely" I smirk as she drags me. Shut up Michel your jealous and you know it. Once we arrive at the church i brace myself for all things holy, 3.2.1 and I walk in after Chloe 

[Artemis]

This is real cute. I love it (is this an anime )

if you are going to switch pov you need to use third person. Otherwise very cute 

[SneezyHolmes]

On 2/13/2016 at 1:00 AM, hedgehog said:

Sorry but... three lines are not a "story"... There's a *drabble* forum for very short things.

Agreed.

[Rook]

I 'm sorry I'm really struggling with ideas I know my direction its just really hard to get in a rhythm. If you have a suggestion I would love it. I promise it will be longer  

[Rook]

2 hours ago, Artemis said:

This is real cute. I love it (is this an anime )

if you are going to switch pov you need to use third person. Otherwise very cute 

Its actually a tv show from Fox, And I struggle with third person plus i would confuse myself.

[TheMaster]

With the changing perspectives maybe instead of first person you could just make a note of when the perspective shifts. 

As for advice for direction I'd say from your set up there are two main branches you could do. Either focus on the case and then how Lucifer being sick affects it,  possible examples could be messing with his powers. Or to largely ignore the case and focus on Lucifer's experience,  with this option you could have him talk to the shrink character (who's name I forget right now) about how unusual it is,  potentially have her turned on by his sneezes,  or you could go more hurt comfort with him and Decker, however this option might be harder to hold your characterization close to the show (at least I know I find it next to impossible to do sarcastic personalities for that type of story but you might have better luck) 

 

Sorry for the massive advice dump and feel free to ignore as much of it as you want but you did as so yeah here are a couple broad ideas.

[Rook]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS

[Chi]

 "You'll nurse me to health again because you feel a form of guilt, which you shouldn't but regardless my only request is wear a naughty nurse outfit.'

Love this line

(Sorry if the quote didn't work XD)

[Rook]

Lol it worked

[Rook]

Ok I have revised edited and added I give you Sick Lucifer

 

HELLO ALL: D Hopefully this doesn't suck. Ok so this idea is based off the new tv show Lucifer and I have limited stuff to go on, Regardless enjoy: D

(this the actual tv words intro)

In the beginning the Angel Lucifer was cast out of Heaven and condemned to rule Hell for all eternity until he took a vacation.

It was a quiet peaceful night except for one man or should I his majesty Prince Lucifer Morning-Star Prince of Darkness and yes he is the actual devil. But enough of the monologue enjoy my suffering, HRSHOOO HESHOOO HNCHX "Bloody hell! this is insane “I shook my head and blew my nose and I fell asleep.

(Two hours later)

*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIING* "What!" "Hello to you to Lucifer" "Detective do we have a case?" "Yep and it’s in a church." "Give me 5 minutes" "I’m outside" I changed into my everyday outfit and was greeted by the lovely face of Chloe Decker. "Ready?" "As I’ll ever be “Walking outside I felt it begin to rain Bloody brilliant being the gentleman I was I took off my jacket and put it on Chloe I'm the devil not an asshole "Lucifer what are you...oh" I feel his warm jacket embrace me. "You'll get sick you know" "You'll nurse me to health again because you feel a form of guilt, which you shouldn't but regardless my only request is wear a naughty nurse outfit.' "Shut up and get in the car." "Oh you’re a dom lovely" I smirk as she drags me. Shut up Michel your jealous and you know it. Once we arrive at the church I brace myself for all things holy, 3.2.1 and I walk in after Chloe, the minute I enter the building I was assaulted by bright lights and a bloody priest, quite literally. “Ok our victim is Father James Mason age 45 married father of two boys.” I walk over to the body examining it. “I loathe cowards who leave children without fathers, seems our killer enjoys his swords and knives.” When I stood up again I bumped into a fool carrying a pile of incense, which I got a face full of. Wonderful I cough the dust out of my face and head to the cruiser. “Where do you think you’re going?” “To the car love where else,” “Aren’t you going to make the janitor tell his “deepest desires” Lucifer gives me a smirk, “He has nothing to tell but the other service members do.

Now go do your thing detective.” I leave the premises. Sitting in the car I cough wetly, bloody hell. Walking to the car I notice Lucifer asleep in the back seat. Get some sleep Lucifer you deserve it.

Making sure he was strapped in safely I started the car, driving it to my house and parking it I text the Lutenist who in turn responds Take care of that walking sex stick. Shaking my head, I head to the opposite side of the car.

“Lucifer wake up.” My voice was gentle and soft. “Chloe” “was goin on” My heart squeezed, “Your home.” “I don hava home ny more, no one wants a broken angel.” I was sucker punched. Taking off his seat belt we walk together into the house, Trixie bless her is doing her damndest to not squeal and speed to Lucifer. Once Lucifer was secure on the couch, Trixie went to get a cold cloth, and wiped his head messily, but with all the love and care she could give. “Thank you darling.” Lucifer spoke lucidly and lovingly to my daughter GOD SAVE ME I was screaming in my head. Trixie smiled and kissed his forehead. Lucifer finally fell asleep, but this time with a tender smile on his face. Silently me and Trixie went to bed. But I lay restless and worried, Lucifer be ok.

[Anonymouse]

It might help if you write a full chapter before you post instead of posting a bunch of small updates. Someone mentioned on another story of yours too that it might help people reading better understand who's talking if you use quotation marks consistently as well as paragraph breaks. Maybe one of your friends on here could beta it for you before you post and help you with the editing? At least until you can do it on your own?

[Garnet]

For real, please crash course yourself in First versus Third Person point of view. It makes your fics almost unreadable for the frequent back-and-forth shift. I never have any idea of who is speaking and emoting. 

[CHOCOLATE <3]

3 hours ago, AnonyMouse said:

It might help if you write a full chapter before you post instead of posting a bunch of small updates. Someone mentioned on another story of yours too that it might help people reading better understand who's talking if you use quotation marks consistently as well as paragraph breaks. Maybe one of your friends on here could beta it for you before you post and help you with the editing? At least until you can do it on your own?

 

1 hour ago, Garnet said:

For real, please crash course yourself in First versus Third Person point of view. It makes your fics almost unreadable for the frequent back-and-forth shift. I never have any idea of who is speaking and emoting. 

I second both of these.  I want to read this, I really do, but there needs to be a new paragraph every time a different person speaks.  When it's all bunched up, my eyes automatically skim over it and I can't enjoy the story 

[TheMaster]

I want to start with the fact that it's wonderful that you're contributing like this and I probably don't have a leg to stand on because I've never actually posted any of my own stories ( I always get to nervous before I do). The thing is first person can be a great story telling device, it allows you to better show what is and isn't normal in the world and to the characters you create by giving a perspective on their individual thoughts. However multiple POV switches within a chapter can become slightly confusing, this can be an even bigger problem in fanfic because you depend on the fact that the audience has some familiarity with the characters, this can make it more confusing what's going on for people who don't have the same level of familiarity. If you use third person you can still be just as in your characters head, (third person omniscience) which would allow you to still get some of the effect I think you're looking for. 

 

I've been enjoying this fandom ( including the comics it's based on), and I keep trying to convince myself to actually finish writing something ( which probably explains the dump of potential plots I posted).  If you want I'm familiar with the fandom, and I've beta'd stuff for people off this site in the past. I'd 110% be willing to help you if you do want to try having a beta or making a switch to third person. 

 

Feel free to ignore this if you aren't interested or if you think I'm coming off rude. 

[Rook]

11 hours ago, TheMaster said:

I want to start with the fact that it's wonderful that you're contributing like this and I probably don't have a leg to stand on because I've never actually posted any of my own stories ( I always get to nervous before I do). The thing is first person can be a great story telling device, it allows you to better show what is and isn't normal in the world and to the characters you create by giving a perspective on their individual thoughts. However multiple POV switches within a chapter can become slightly confusing, this can be an even bigger problem in fanfic because you depend on the fact that the audience has some familiarity with the characters, this can make it more confusing what's going on for people who don't have the same level of familiarity. If you use third person you can still be just as in your characters head, (third person omniscience) which would allow you to still get some of the effect I think you're looking for. 

 

I've been enjoying this fandom ( including the comics it's based on), and I keep trying to convince myself to actually finish writing something ( which probably explains the dump of potential plots I posted).  If you want I'm familiar with the fandom, and I've beta'd stuff for people off this site in the past. I'd 110% be willing to help you if you do want to try having a beta or making a switch to third person. 

 

Feel free to ignore this if you aren't interested or if you think I'm coming off rude. 

Oh please beta for me I struggle between stitching between persons and I would love the help thank you so much 8)

[TheMaster]

Oh yeah 100% willing. I think I have my email in my profile. I'll put it in here if I don't, if that's allowed. 

[Rook]

You dont have your email there but you can always add it to your profile)

[TheMaster]

Apparently I can't when I try and edit my profile it says it's not available for my account.  ?