Merry Christmas, Jake! (Brooklyn Nine Nine)

[stephab13]

Hey guys! MERRY CHRISTMAS! So I'm at work and I got this idea to just... torture Jake by having him work Christmas Eve. But of course the team plots something out so there's a nice cutesy ending. It's a little rushed, I'll admit, especially right at the end - but it's also 0130 and I need to be up in 5 hours when my shift starts again! But I do hope you enjoy this little self-indulgent fic :-)

“Huh-huh?... Ohhh…”

Jake sniffs thickly, pawing at his nose with a knuckle. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. He’s going to kill his CI when he gets a chance. And how did he even manage to get himself into this in the first place? Drawing the Christmas Eve shift was already a pretty short straw. It’s worsened by having to actually do work, rather than crash at his desk all night, because his CI had just magically happened to get a tip off about some deep Giggle Pig shit about to go down on the night before Christmas (which, in all honesty, is probably just a ploy to annoy Jake and, with just as much honesty, he definitely deserves that kind of prank, but he owes Rosa too much to take that risk and pass it off as a hoax). He’s doing this essentially alone, undercover (he can grab Holt in his ear if necessary but it’s Christmas Eve and he’s just here to arrest the dealer, no users). So he’s roaming the streets of Brooklyn in just jeans and a hoodie and, even unseasonably warm as it is, the wind is fucking freezing as it bites into his face and hands.

Oh, and to top it all off, he’s pretty sure he’s getting sick, if the irritated sinuses and endless hitching breaths are anything to go by.

“Hh’hhhhhh! Huh!”

He pinches his nose shut and lets out a grunt. It’s only delaying the inevitable by holding these back – but once he starts sneezing, he’s not going to be able to stop. And that’s not good. He has no tissues, no handkerchief, and no particular want to draw attention to himself. Not yet, anyhow. So he rubs the side of his nose before wiping a thin trickle of mucus onto his sleeve. Attractive. Real attractive, Jake.

“Huh’ESHHHH’uuOO!”

… Okay, the weight of a horde of elephants couldn’t have stopped that one. He pinches his nose shut again and forces some deep breaths through his mouth. He needs to get a handle on this or risk blowing his cover. No one in their right mind would be out in this weather with the plague – not even for Giggle Pig. And with backup currently being several miles away, probably in striped pyjamas and drinking whiskey with his husband, he really can’t afford to rouse suspicion.

“Huh’NGT’TSHHHH’hhh!”

Ewwwww. Gross. He’s ever-so-slightly more prepared for that one, so he can mostly stifle it, but it’s come out even wetter. All he’s got in his pocket are details for tonight scrawled on torn paper, but he has to wipe his hand on something and so it may as well be that. At least he’s about two blocks away and five minutes early – he only needs to hold out on the whole sneezing thing for another 15 or so. Just until the dealer is in cuffs and in the back of his car.

He’s distracted from the itch in his nose momentarily as a group of teenagers round the corner, dressed in red and carrying folders. They look like carol singers, cheeks red in the cold and eyes glowing as they chatter to each other. A young girl smiles and their conductor (must be, he’s gotta be in his 20’s at least) wishes him a Merry Christmas as they pass by. It’s nice to know that despite the bitch of a weather and the bastard of a situation he’s got himself into, there is still good in the world.

Only, of course his nose is having none of that. “IDZSCHH’hh-ID’ISHHH!”

Dammit!

“Bless you, detective.” He jumps as Holt’s baritone rumbles through into the earpiece. He must have hit the talk button in his pocket when the sneezes jerked him forward. “Is everything alright?”

He slides down onto a bench, hiding his mouth in his knees as he mumbles. “Finde. Hit talk by mbistake. Two blocks fromb the pick-up.”

He can hear muffled laughter and TV noises as Holt pauses. “Are you certain that you don’t want backup? I can assure you that any of the team would be happy to help. Diaz is… less than a mile from your destination.”

He’s pretty sure that anyone – even Boyle, and especially Rosa – would murder him for a last-minute call-out so late on Christmas Eve. “Ndah, hombie, it’s all good. I’mb fi – fiiiii…”

“… Peralta?”

“Heh’hhh’NNGESHHH!” He shakes his head slowly, sniffing thickly a few times.

“Did you just sneeze, detective?”

“It’s cold out.” He can’t help the whining undertones, but he’s getting better at fixing his verbal-diarrhoea mistakes before they become mistakes. “But hondestly, sir, I’mb finde.”

“Yes, you sure sound… ‘finde’…” There’s more television laughter in the background – like even the sitcom Holt has on is mocking him too. “Well, if you’re sure you do not want help, you may as well head to the pick-up zone now. It’s better for us all, I think, if you just make this arrest and go home. The sooner the better.”

“You got it.” He rubs his nose against his knees, burning the sensation of the denim against his sensitive skin. At least his sinuses seem to have finally settled, and he jumps to his feet, blowing into cupped hands before shoving them into his pockets and setting off.

****************************************

Two blocks pass and his nose is running like a tap (damn cold) but there are no sneezes in sight.

Trouble is, despite the teeny-ness of the park, there’s no drug deals in sight either. An old Christmas carol from when he was a kid pops into his head – He sees you when you’re sleeping, /He knows when you’re awake. /He knows if you’ve been bad or good /So be good for goodness’ sake! – and he almost snorts in laughter. Perhaps the threat of Santa Claus has scared them away?

But there’s movement in the trees – a crunching that doesn’t quite belong to the leaves in the wind. A scrawny looking guy, couldn’t be more than 5’6”, pops out from behind an oak. He sprints to the swing-set and sets himself down, lying as far back as he can without overbalancing… and glances right at Jake. “This is some goooood shit, man!”

“Yeah?” He takes a few paces forward, but he’s already been spotted. Not much point hiding now. “You, uh…” His breath hitches once, but he tightens his chest. “You combe here often? Get all the good stuff?”

The guy bursts into laughter, clapping his hands. “You mean to tell me you ain’t never seen The BBW before? Man!”

He decides it’s easier to play dumb. Let the poor high man (ugh) take him under his wing. If it all turns ugly, he can definitely take this guy down with a single hit. “Uh… BBW?”

“Oh, man! The Big Bad Wolf? You never heard of him? You know, ow, ow, owwwwwww?” The guy falls off the swing but keeps cackling. “Never heard of the BBW. At least tell me you heard of Giggle Pig?”

Jake scoffs. “Why else would I be playing ond a swing set ndear mbidndight if ndot for sombe of that sweet, sweet bacond?”

“Right you are.” A switch flicks and the guy is suddenly dead serious, staring right into Jake’s eyes. “Right you are. It’s some good shit, that bacon.”

“Awesombe, mba – hhh! – mband.” He closes his eyes a second longer than necessary. Just a few more minutes. Hold on. “Cand you take mbe to himb? Or should I just walk straight through the trees?”

The man looks him over quickly, then reaches backwards for his backpack. “You’re a legit weirdo, man.” He pulls out a snaplock bag. “But you seem legit. Fifty for a taster, two-fifty for an 8-ball.”

“You’re the Big Bad Wolf?”

The guy shakes his head. “Slow on the uptake, aren’t you, man? Yes, I’m the BBW. Now, you got cash for me?”

That’s all the ammunition he needs. In an instant, Jake grabs the guy’s wrist and spins him, dropping down and kneeing him in the back while he fiddles with the handcuffs. “NYPD. You’re under arrest.” Then he finally succumbs to the fit, sneeze after sneeze tearing through his throat as he drags the guy back up and towards his car.

***************************************

Jake’s pretty sure this is the worst car ride he’s ever been on. He was right about the sneezing earlier – it’s settled into a rhythm, and he’s averaging 5-7 a minute – and every time it forces his eyes from the road. It’s a miracle they don’t crash in the two-mile journey back to the precinct – by the sixth sneeze he’s seriously considering pulling over, pulling the dealer into the passenger seat and letting him help steer. But despite all odds, they pull up on the street in one piece just a few minutes later.

“Welcombe to the… the… nnngGESHHH!... to the ndine-ndine.” He sneezes his way into precinct, steals a box of Kleenex from the welcome desk (and, by God, those feel like heaven!) and shoves into the elevator for the one flight. “You’re godda love it heeeeeee-IDSZCHHH!”

“I’m gonna love anywhere safe from your germs, man,” the guy mutters.

“Huh.” Jake gives a gurgling blow into a couple of tissues, shoving them into his filling pocket. He’d kill to go home – technically, his shift finished a half hour ago and he can definitely dump the guy in a holding cell and leave it to the proper night staff… but if he can use this cold to his advantage… “Better codfess pretty quick cos… it’ISHHH’hhh!... I’b dot godda stop ady tibe sood.”

The BBW just looks him up and down, and the elevator dings as they hit first floor.

And then he’s hit by a swarm of people. Almost literally.

“SURPRISE!”

His eyes seek Amy, who, naturally, is standing out the front, next to a Christmas tree. “It’s not fair to spend Christmas just working, and I knew there was no way we were pulling you out to an Orphan Christmas… so I thought – “

She moves sideways, bumped hard by someone.

“I’m sorry. Charles and I thought that we’d bring Christmas to you.”

He’s honestly quite touched – he feels a hell of a lot warmer inside than moments before. Unless it’s a fever sprouting up. Which it may well be. “Awww, you guys.”

“Ugh. Get a room.” Rosa is also close to the front, but she’s eyeing the perp. “Who’ve you got there?”

“This…” His breath hitches yet again, but he can pull it off as a dramatic pause. “This is the BBW.”

Rosa stifles a giggle. “You’re the Big Bad Wolf?” She marches forward, grabbing the perp’s arm. “How apt. Jake, I’ve got it from here.”

“Heh-ngESHHH!”

“Bless you…” The room choruses at him, but it’s Boyle that comes forward this time, holding out a thick red sweater. “We were gonna wrap this but, you know, you look frozen so…” And with that he wrenches the wool over Jake’s head. “We won’t give you the chance to throw it out when no one is looking.” He clears his throat. “The ceremonial sweater has been presented!”

And then it’s Holt, holding out a mug like a peace offering. “It’s past midnight so it is technically Christmas now. And I’ve been told that it is impossible to celebrate Christmas without… what did you call this, Boyle?”

“Advocaat. It’s basically eggnog-infused brandy, but the tempering point is slightly different which gives it a creamier consistency and – “

“Eggnog. It’s eggnog.”

“So…” Holt hands over the mug, and suddenly everyone has a mug of their own. “Merry Christmas to you all. May this year bring good fortune to the precinct and – “

“TSHHH-iiiIT’ISHH!”

“And a definite lack of colds,” Boyle finishes, clapping him on the shoulder.

[Anonymouse]

Awww! That warmed my cold, dead heart. :')

Thank you for sending a sick, sneezy Jake wandering around the streets of Brooklyn in a hoodie and jeans. I can not imagine anything more precious. And those persistent, relentless cold sneezes really get me, especially when attempts at stifling only exacerbate the situation.

So when he was accidentally hitting the talk button, I originally thought Kevin was snickering in the background, but I guess it was the rest of the squad since Holt was with them? I loved Boyle's foodie weirdness and forcing the sweater onto Jake, and Rosa's reaction to the BBW being some shrimpy guy.

[Winged]

What CUTIES. Like Anony said, Jake wandering around all cold and miserable is literally one of my favorite things. What a beautiful Christmas present :') I also love how you construct your scenarios -- your fics strike a perfect balance between plot and fluff, which make me feel all warm and fuzzy. And ugh. Torturing Jake. Please do it forever.

[kushamisukii]

This was amazing. Haha it could totally be a real episode. You wrote everybody so well in character and it was funny and cute and Jake is so lovable especially all sneezy mess !!

[gingerbreads]

this was so cute and good!!