Your name is James Buchanan Barnes (and you're my best friend) (Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Secret Santa for Sophie83540!)

[Snowydays]

Yup, I know, another Bucky fic from me, but ah well, I'm too deep into the hell hole now! But anyway, I know (Sophie) we haven't spoken much but I do want to say that you've been soooo kind to me in my time here, even when my grammar wasn't top notch yet (it's still not lol) and I was going through my "IM SO RANDOM X333" phase a while back. So, I hope you like it, and I hope many happy things cross your path and you have a good Christmas! It is Bucky centric, and I do have the word count I believe but I may add a short follow up? If I do, I might just write it as its own separate entity, but I really don't know. I'm open for suggestions, I can't guarantee I can do it, but ill try!

Quick note: This is a recovering!bucky fic so I don't actually know if this could take place in the canon because civil war, and stuff. I don't know where this fits in the mcu timeline, but ah well.

Your name is James Buchanan Barnes (and you're my best friend)

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Sam Wilson, Sarah Rogers

Pairings: Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, implied Natasha Romanoff/Clint Barton, platonic or romantic Riley/Sam if you squint

Steve did not like the feeling of being shaken. He didn't like how his words were stuck in his throat. He did not like the eating away at his heart, the parasitic monster that made his eyes water and vocal chords whimper. He hated the sight of the door before him; he wanted to kick it open.

To be fair, it was such an ugly shade of white. It was chipping at the sides and there was a light, ever so light patch of rust at the bottom of the knob. What Steve hated the most is what the door hid from him, because he so desperately wanted to see it. He needed this thing so much right now and every second he spent waiting and waiting seemed to last longer than an eternity and the impatience was killing him.

What lay beyond that door was Bucky Barnes, who was a different Bucky Barnes but still Bucky Barnes. He was still the same boy who delivered newspapers to his house and defended him from all the bullies. That boy was incapable of talking about his feelings and he was so so good at pretending everything was okay. He was so good at smiling like everything was in place even when inside he felt drowned and tired; that was why it shook Steve to the bone when he saw him with those cold, dead eyes.

"I need to see him," Steve said firmly, squeezing his own hand tightly, expressionless and stoic as he's ever been.

"Steve, we talked about this.." Natasha sighed exasperatedly, closing her eyes and running a hand through her red, wavy hair. "I've..dealt with a controlled person before. And I get it; it really hurts..especially when it's someone you love.." Natasha continued, her voice softer at the end. She turned to face Steve to see him sulking about, pity genuinely filling her heart.

"I know how much Bucky means to you, I really do, I understand why," Natasha started slowly, eyes dimming thinking about the soldier, "but..he's not ready. He's sick and delirious..you don't know what he's going to be like--You might not be able to handle what happ-"

"But we can't leave him in there alone! He's already been that for 70 years! We should end that isolation as soon as possible! He needs someone there with him!" Steve argued, positioning himself to face his friend, eyes fiery with stubbornness.

"Natasha, I did agree with you. But..I do think it's time. If..my friend escaped some forsaken hellhole I would..I would spend every moment with him so he knows that he's okay. You know?" Sam said suddenly, appearing to have given a lot of thought into it.

There was silence for a long period of time.

"Go," Natasha said finally, so undramatic that Steve didn't believe her for a second. He gave her a look, as if to confirm that what she said was true and that he could finally see Bucky. Natasha sighed, nodding, "But I'm warning you..he might..be different. He could remember you, and everything, but..be prepared, okay, Steve?" She squeezed his hand gently, looking him in the eye.

Steve swallowed nervously, and nodded, getting to his feet and walking slowly towards the door. He breathed heavily for a while, hand resting on the door knob, terrified out of his mind. He wasn't scared of Bucky; never was. He was scared of what they did to him, he was scared of seeing the damage.

He turned back to face Natasha and Sam, and looked at them nervously. Sam smiled softly at him, "Go get him, Captain."

Steve nodded slowly, and braced himself for what was to come.

* * * * * *

"Soif you did this part and I did this.." Steve said, eyeing the piece of assignment carefully. He drew some diagram on another sheet of paper to illustrate their pieces of work for their English project.

"..snnfff..Yeah," Bucky replied absentmindedly, his sheet of brainstorming slowly but surely evolving into a mess of words and lines.

Sarah Rogers came in, a tray of milk and cookies in her hands. "How're my boys?" She cooed cheerfully, setting the tray on a table. Steve groaned,

"Mooooom, we're 18."

Sarah laughed, "Well, you both certainly act like you're 10 years younger!"

Bucky couldn't help but laugh at that, however the laugh turning into a husky, soft cough. Sarah's eyes widened a little, "Oh, Bucky, have you caught yourself a cold?" Steve tensed suddenly, feeling a little protective of Bucky immediately.

Bucky shook his head, "No, just a little dehydrated, I thin..thihhh..." Bucky turned away from the two Rogers and pressed his thumb and pointer finger against his nostrils, "hehh-ihhhNGGGT! ..uhh..huh-KKHHMPP!"

"Bless you!"

Sarah gave him a sympathetic smile, "Oh, BuckyYou're looking paler too. D'you need a blanket?"

Steve rested his hand on the taller man's shoulder, "I'm sorry Buck, I didn't even notice that you were feeling sick!"

Bucky shook his head, "I'm fine, honestly, huhh-PFFTT!"

Steve wanted to laugh at that sneeze but held it in, smile fading away as he saw his best friend shaking, "Awh, Buck, you're shaking!"

Sarah kneeled down to the two boys who were sprawled across the carpet and felt Bucky's forehead, which was a challenge for her when the Barnes boy kept flinching away from her. "This doesn't seem good at all, James, d'you want to-" she stopped talking as she saw his face scrunch up, retreating to pinch his nose, and release a "kknnnkkhhh!"

"You want to stay the night?" Sarah continued, "also, don't hold them in like that, it's not good for you." Bucky shook his head, "Sarah..I appreciate the thought and all, but..if I stay..I'll be a burden to you and Steve and I risk getting one of you sick.."

"Nonsense! Once your aunt sees you she'll be sending you back to me to get you all patched up, and don't you dare mention this to her, but she's no good at looking after you," Sarah said firmly, but softly as well.

Bucky's nostrils twitched and he cupped his nose and mouth with his hands and inhaled sharply, "Hhhhhhah-khhIEEEWW! Hahh..huhh-shHHIEEWW!" He groaned softly and sniffled, "Excuse me, f-fine..but..I-I'm not getting Steve sick-I..won't be able to deal with that-"

Steve slapped his thigh playfully, "Woah! Bless you! That was quite some sneeze. Also, you think you can be sick without me taking care of you?"

"Steve--you don't have to, honestly-ahhSHHIIEWW! Hahhh..hhhKHHSSUUU!"

"Bless you--and I will."

Sarah helped Bucky stand up, "I'm sorry James, but it appears I can't do anything to pry Steven away from you, such a pest, Isn't he?" She said playfully, ruffling both her son's and his best friend's hair, "but I'll be sure to give him an extra dose of vitamin c, so don't you be worrying." Bucky turned his head away from her and ducked his nose into his shirt,

"Ehk-shhiiuu! KRSSHHH-ueuee!..ugh. Thank you..you..don't have to be doing this."

"They come in twos!"

" Shut up--Steeeh-hhEESHUU! Heahh-khiuuu!"

"See! Bless you--besides, Ma's a nurse, Buck, and you're my friend."

"huhh-ISSSH!" Bucky sneezed ticklishly, and rubbed at his red nose irritably. He nodded, "Yeah, okay. I know. Sorry. I just, didn't want to be a burden." Bucky's nose twitched and he inhaled sharply, snapping forward into his hands and sneezed, "HEH-ISHH-uu!" The force bent him over at the waist.

"Bless you!" Steve chirped.

"Not a burden! Ever!" Sarah replied firmly, but a caring tone evident in her tone. She placed a hand on his back, trying to support him as he bent over. He shyly straightened back up, finger rubbing against his raw nostrils. Sarah frowned at the sight of his unhealthy shape.

"Besides, you are the oldest and don't really get taken care of at home, so might as well try out the whole being taken care of thing. You're always welcome to the Rogers clan." Sarah continued, watching as Bucky inhaled for another sneeze but failed in succeeding.

"Part of the family Buck, y'now that right?" Steve chipped in, smiling goofily, far too happy about his illness than he was supposed to. His smile faded a little when Bucky didn't answer, he hoped that it was just a result of coaxing out a sneeze. "Youknow that, right?" He said, softer.

"Hahh-ISHH! Heh-ESHHUHH! nn..Yeah, I dow that. Yeah, us." Bucky said sleepily, letting himself become sandwiched between the two people who had slotted themselves into his family.

"That's good. Really good Buck, now cmon, you need to rest."

* * * * *

Bucky had always looked so beautiful when he was asleep.

Even now, his eyelashes rested perfectly on his eyes, eyebrows furrowed only slightly and his mouth the slightest bit open, his lips pink and soft. He looked at peace; and Steve wished to pretend that he was at peace even though deep within he knew Bucky was at war with himself.

He knew that HYDRA was horrible to him, if they hurt him enough to damage him mentally many many years ago when the 107th was captured, 70 years with them surely must have felt like hell was a better option. So he let him sleep; because he knew Bucky wouldn't have gotten much of that in the past.

He pulled a chair and sat next to him, unable to stop himself from resting his hand on Bucky's own, lightly stroking the soft pale skin and the making his touches even softer if that was possible on his cuts and bruises. Touching Bucky made him want to cry, as he suddenly realised that Bucky was real, he wasn't well but he was alive.

Suddenly Bucky's breath started to quicken and his chest heaved, and he suddenly shot up, turning against Steve and releasing,

"HEAH-KHHHH!"

"Bucky?"

Bucky turned to face him, and he looked like he was taken aback, his blue eyes sparkling with nostalgia, "Steve?"

Steve let out a strangled sob and couldn't help but throw himself on the man, hugging him tight, embracing all that he was and all that he wasn't, letting himself feel the warmth that he didn't know he was missing. He held Bucky, his Bucky, and when he felt Bucky flinch he immediately pulled away,

"Oh shit, I'm sorry--Bucky I-"

Bucky didn't say anymore and pulled Steve back to him, letting himself become small and cling on to Steve for dear life, sobbing hard, "I remember you Steve, your mom's name was Sarah and you used to put newspapers in your shoes. Steve, they hurt me.. They turned me into a monster..I thought you left me...but.." Bucky sobbed even harder, "..you came back."

Steve sobbed softly, and pushed the hair out of Bucky's eyes, "Buck, save your voice. Youre really ill and you need to rest." He felt his forehead, "this doesn't look good. Come now..lay down your head.." Bucky still was burying his head in Steve's chest and suddenly felt his breath hitch and nose tickle like hell and he didn't have time to pull away before the eventual release, "Hahhh-KHHH! Heahh-khhhnnn.." He sneezed, spraying Steve's chest lightly.

"Oh god--I'm sorry-" Bucky panicked, having learned how to stifle and turn away from his captors due to their disgust. Steve shushed him, running a hand through his hair, "Bless you, it's okay..it's okay. You're safe now."

Steve stood to get some tissues, when Bucky tugged at his arm, the tears welling back in his eyes, "Please don't leave me."

The desperation in Bucky's eyes broke Steve's heart, and he quickly tugged the box of tissues towards the bed. "I'm not leaving you," Steve said firmly, "never again," he said, softer.

Bucky would've replied but his nose started to twitch with the terrible tickle in his nose, he turned his head away from Steve and sneezed, "EHKK-nn! Hehh-ignnhhtt!" Bucky groaned and his throat hurt from all the stifles. A little layer of wetness lay below his nostrils and Steve wiped it away slowly, "Bless. That hurt, didn't it? Stop stifling like that, okay?"

Bucky sniffled slowly, regretting it immediately when he turned his head away from Steve again and let his nostrils twitch, breath hitching, the tickle teasing his brains out, until his nostrils started flaring and finally, the tickle became enough to let him sneeze, and when he knew he was definitely going to sneeze, he took a sharp breath and sneezed, "Heahsh-heuu! Hah-ehshh-uhh!"

He was left extremely unsatisfied by the sneeze, the satisfaction of the release never coming because his nose was already twitching to prepare for the next one, and released, "hauhh-ehhhh-HEUU! Hah-EASSHH-UUHH! Hauhh-ISHSSOOO!"

Steve pressed a tissue against Bucky's nose, knowing that his sneezes always came in twos, and that there was one more left, "C'mon..just one more..let it out," He could feel the flaring nostrils against the tissue, and he lightly tickled his nostrils through the tissue and felt the force through it as Bucky inhaled and sneezed, "HEAARSHHH-OOO!"

"Bless you," Steve said, and quickly brought the tissue back to Bucky's nose as he saw another two coming, "EASHH-UHH! Hahhh-HEASSHH-UHH!"

Bucky sniffled miserably. "Blow," Steve said softly, and added pressure to one nostril at a time as Bucky blew forcefully. "I'm gonna get you sick," Bucky said miserably.

"I don't get sick anymore," Steve smiled softly, and pressed ruffled Bucky's messy hair. Bucky's nose had taken a pink form, and he leaned in to kiss the very tip, "You've always been so cute when you sneeze."

"Fuck you," Bucky said good naturedly, and his nose twitched with the light touch and he sneezed again, "heahh-shiieeeww! huh-khieeeww!" He moaned, "I haven't been able to let them out like that in so long."

"Wait, what?"

"...They didn't let me sneeze properly. They forced me to be as quiet as possible so I didn't blow my cover but they were really just too disgusted."

"Oh Buck.."

Not long after that Bucky fell into a fit of coughing, unable to stop, until Steve practically jumped onto the bed and patted him firmly against his shoulder blades, continuing to rub little circles onto his back once the coughing subsided.

Bucky groaned, raising his hand to temple then pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to overcome a headache. Steve pushed him down to the bed gently, fluffing out the pillow his head was on and pulled the blankets over him, frowning when Bucky was still shaking.

"Steve," Bucky croaked weakly.

"Mmm?"

"What did..what did you say my name was again?" Bucky looked genuinely heart broken, frustrated that this stupid fever was making him forget his hard efforts of remembering his memories again. He looked guilty, as if he was doing something wrong.

Steve smiled softly at him and rested his hand on top of his best friend's one, stroking the tender skin slowly. "Your name is James Buchanan Barnes and you're my best friend."

Bucky closed his eyes and smiled, genuinely smiled and he was so beautiful that it overwhelmed Steve. He hadn't seen that wonderful smile in so long and he had forgotten the beauty of it and something within him seemed to be fuller.

"Yeah, that's it, I remember now."

Steve chuckled softly and watched as Bucky's nose twitched and his breath hitched once again, Bucky being so feverish that he forgot to cover, "hah-ISHHH!! hah-shuuuh!"

"Bless you, Buck."

They sat in a comfortable silence for some time and Steve thought Bucky was asleep when Bucky's eyes slowly fluttered open and he started to talk again,

"Can..can you..-" Bucky stopped, blushing, and shook his head, "never mind."

Steve widened his eyes, "Nononono, what do you need? It's okay, you can ask for what you want."

Bucky shut his eyes tight, blushing, "can you..lie down with me? I mean..presuming I can't infect you--"

It was a matter of seconds before Steve climbed onto the bed and was lying down with Bucky, wanting to wrap himself around him but forcing himself not to, only looking him in the eye softly. They lay down together, looking each other in the eye, fingertips brushing only slightly for a really long time.

Bucky's eyes were the same as they were years ago, but at the same time they weren't. They were the same shape, the same long eyelashes and the same beautiful shade of blue. But his eyes weren't shining as bright as they used to. They didn't sparkle with energy and youth. He was drained. He was so tired. It would take so long to get what was left of Bucky Barnes back. There was a huge portion Steve could never get back. He was Bucky Barnes of the past but he was also a completely different person, but Steve could still love him endlessly.

"..I remember something else," Bucky said quietly.

"Huh? Like what?"

"That I loved you."

Bucky said this the way someone would say "it's warm" or "how are you". He says this like its the most normal and casual thing in the world. He says this like its the norm, like he's always been this way, and in a way it was true. Steve didn't know what to say.

"I remember that I loved you more than anything in the world. I saw something in you that no one else did. You were my stars and my sun and my light and all things wonderful," Bucky said absentmindedly, dreamily, even, eyes gazing some place else and his voice leaked with nostalgia. He paused for a couple of moments to smile and think about it, and then continued, "but then one day, the world saw what I saw in you. The world started to love you and it hurt because I loved you first. You found someone who deserved you and I tried to fall out of love but to be honest with you..falling out of train was easier."

Steve's mouth parted slightly, finding it hard to take it all in, and he brushed his fingers against Bucky's in the hope that maybe they had a chance at starting over.

"..Do you..think you.. still love me?"

"I never stopped."

Steve pressed in and kissed him softly, nothing too fast and too firm, something simple and sweet, making nice little noises as they kissed. He feared that he was going too fast, but Bucky wanted it all, and he felt so warm and good. He tasted like birthday cake and snowflakes. 70 years was worth the wait.

Bucky pulled away from Steve, and turned his head to the side, "hahh-ESHHHH!! Huhhhh-ISHH!" He sniffled, groaning and then turned to face Steve with his red nose and watery eyes, "I ruined it."

Steve chuckled and nuzzled Bucky's nose with his, "Nah, your sneezes are honestly the best thing." Bucky's nose twitched with the sudden touch and ducked his nose under his shirt and sneezed, "ehkkkSHIIUUU! KRSSHHH-hehuuee!..scuse me."

Steve grinned and touched his forehead with Bucky's, unable to control himself from being the inner sap that he was, "You and me?"

Bucky sniffled, and grinned back lightly, "Yeah, you and meeeehh..Stevie..I gotta..ohhh.."

Steve grinned mischievously, and tickled Bucky's nose with the piece of hair that flopped down, he watched as Bucky's nostrils quivered desperately and in an attempt not to sneeze all over his new lover's face, he aimed downwards but ended up settling for spraying Steve's chest, "Eaaaahhhh-HEUU! Hahhhhh...Hahhh-EHHHSHOOO! Hauhh..HAHH-EHHHEUU!..hahh..hehh??" Steve tickled his nose even more, "one more Buck.."

"HeahhhSHUUUHH!!" He sneezed harshly towards the floor, panting and sniffling.

"Bless ya, Buck," Steve chuckled and plucked a tissue from the box, and wiped the underside of Bucky's nose with it, pinching the tip of his nose to get rid of the moisture that clinged lightly on his nose. Steve leaned in again and pressed a gentle, swift kiss onto Bucky's lips.

"Youhhh...HEASSHHHOOO! HahehhSHOO!..ugh..Punk."

"Jerk."

~End~

[darkness-is-the-light]

First of all, I would like to thank you for writing something around my requirements. I tend to be fairly picky with what I enjoy, but this story fits into it. I would absolutely be fine with a follow up, that doesn't bother me one bit. You did a very good job with writing this story. I enjoy the flashback to their childhood, as it demonstrates how long they have loved each other. The emotional aspect to the first meeting is very true to what I would believe would happen. After years of emotions locked away due to losing each other, it would be difficult for Steve to remain calm upon seeing Bucky again. Bucky still isn't exactly sure what's right and what isn't, but he has a very good feeling that he's supposed to be with Steve. Thank you, once again.

[Snowydays]

First of all, I would like to thank you for writing something around my requirements. I tend to be fairly picky with what I enjoy, but this story fits into it. I would absolutely be fine with a follow up, that doesn't bother me one bit. You did a very good job with writing this story. I enjoy the flashback to their childhood, as it demonstrates how long they have loved each other. The emotional aspect to the first meeting is very true to what I would believe would happen. After years of emotions locked away due to losing each other, it would be difficult for Steve to remain calm upon seeing Bucky again. Bucky still isn't exactly sure what's right and what isn't, but he has a very good feeling that he's supposed to be with Steve. Thank you, once again.

This was such a lovely comment to receive! I'm glad you like it and when i find the time I might add a short follow up, I'll make sure to let you know! I'm relieved that you like the way I characterised Bucky and Steve and combined my many headcanons into one so I could create an angsty but sneezy piece It was a little hard writing something like this, but you mentioned liking darker fiction (well, for original fiction but I just hoped it would be the same for fanfics) so I came up with this! You are absolutely welcome and thank you for the lovely comments!! )

[darkness-is-the-light]

you mentioned liking darker fiction (well, for original fiction but I just hoped it would be the same for fanfics)

My preferences are absolutely the same for both original and fanfiction stories. Don't worry.