Because ‘How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters’ would have been better if Dean had a cold. (SPN)

[MissBayliss]

Wow! Sorry for taking so long on this one. I got distracted with... other things. Here's the final part. Peace out!

 

…

 

Sam tried to insist on bringing something back for Dean so he didn’t have to go out in public while his face was leaking, but Dean wasn’t an invalid, and he wouldn’t be left in this dark, dank, drafty stink hole any longer. He had itchy feet anyway. Despite being sick as a dog, he felt pretty relaxed and so hungry.

They went back to Biggerson’s because Dean really wanted another one of those incredible burgers.

“Gerald Browder, 35, self-employed. Air-conditioning repairman,” Sam was reading out off his laptop, while Dean dug into his turducken. “Missing person number three. Disappeared eight days ago.”

Bobby glanced up from his meal, “Well, that explains all the people who got eaten in the last eight days.”

“Yeah. Question is, what happened to him?” Sam furrowed his brow.

Dean quickly set his burger down to press a napkin against his nose.

“Huh’TTSCHUu! EkKSHHuuh! Sond of a bitch, albost lost my burger…” he muttered, blowing his nose sloppily and balling the now soaking napkin into his fist. He wrapped his hands around the burger again and took another huge bite, relishing the flavor, moaning at how amazing it was.

“Dean... Uh, so, what do you think?” Sam asked, eyebrows raised.

Dean pushed burger into his cheeks like a chipmunk and tried to talk around the food and the congestion, “I'b ndot thad worried about it,” he shrugged.

“Excuse me?” Bobby looked at him.

“Thad's fuddy, right?” Dean laughed, coughed raggedly, “I could give two shagkes of a rat's ass.”

He paused, trying to think through his fuzzy, sluggish brain, “Is thad right? Do rats shake their ass, or is it something else? Eh.”

Dean went back to his sandwich, fully absorbed in how good it was to feel numb like this, even though his head still hurt and his throat was on fire and he couldn’t stop sneezing for five minutes. Suddenly Bobby’s hand was pressed against his forehead.

“Hey, get off!” he ducked away, bits of food falling from his mouth.

“Well, he’s hot, but not that hot,” Bobby said, eyeing Sam.

Dean laughed, “You kiddig be, I’b on fire,” he coughed.

“Give me that!” Sam snatched the sandwich out of his hand.

“Whoa, whoa! Why?!” Dean yelled, disgruntled.

“There's some funky chicken in the TDK Slammer, ain't there?” Bobby mused, hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Sam said, sniffing the sandwich and recoiling with disgust.

Dean didn’t care. He just wanted his damn sandwich back.

 

…

 

Bobby set the sandwich, wrapped in foil in the shape of a swan, down on a plate on the table.

“This is stupid,” Dean sat slumped on the kitchen bench, swiping a hand under his nose. “By sandwigch did't do anythig. I dond't kndow whad you thigk you're godda find.”

Sam carefully unwrapped the sandwich.

“There's something wrong with you, Dean.” Bobby pressed, seriously.

Dean sneezed messily into his sleeve. God, he was so tired.

“Besides the monster head cold you’re rockin’ right about now,” Sam clarified.

“Are you kiddig? I'b finde! I -- I actually feel great. The best I've felt ind a couple bondths...” he scratched his nose, “Huh’SKCHEW! Uhh… snnnnf…” he cleared his throat from the gunk that had settled, “Cas? Black goo? I dond't evend care anybore. And you know whad's evend better? I dond't care thad I dond't care. I just wandt by dambn slammber back.”

Sam crossed the room and handed him a tissue, with a less than impressed look on his face.

“Dude, you are completely stoned, just like Ranger Rick was. And you’re sick as a dog too! So, don’t tell me you’re fine.”

“Stoned just like the dinner rush back at Biggerson's,” Bobby added, prodding the burger, “and everybody's loving the Turducken.”

Dean cocked his head as he looked back at the sandwich. Gray goo bubbled from inside the meat, spilling out in a puddle of sticky… ick.

“I thigk you pissed off by sandwich.”

Sam and Bobby turned to look as even more of the gray ickyness bubbled out.

“That -- that's in me?” Dean sniffed gurgley.

“O-only half of it…” Sam stuttered, shrugging.

“Does that snot look familiar?” Bobby raised an eyebrow.

Dean buried his face in his tissue and let rip.

“Okay, so whatever turned Gerry Browder into a pumpkin head... and is currently turning Dean into an idiot –“

“I'b right here. Right here.” Dean put his hands up, voice scratchy and thick.

“Is in the Turducken Slammer at Biggerson's,” Bobby said, finishing Sam’s thought.

“Yeah,” Sam agreed, as Dean hacked up a lung.

“It's in the meat.”

Dean palmed his sweaty forehead, thanking his lucky stars he was high right now. He’d probably be feeling a lot sicker if it weren’t for that burger. Than he looked back at the sticky gray goo.

“If I wasn't so chilled out right ndow, I would puke.”

“Dean…” Sam said, voice stern.

“Wha?”

“Go and take a nap.”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

 

END

[Pyrus_Fangmon]

Holy hell I just realized what this story was about!!! I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing it sooner

That episode killed me! And now I can finally reread this marvelous story as if it was the actual episode! Yaaaaassssss!

1 hour ago, MissBayliss said:

Dean cocked his head as he looked back at the sandwich. Gray goo bubbled from inside the meat, spilling out in a puddle of sticky… ick.

“I thigk you pissed off by sandwich.”

God dammit Dean! 

1 hour ago, MissBayliss said:

“Dean…” Sam said, voice stern.

“Wha?”

“Go and take a nap.”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

Referencesssss.....!

1 hour ago, MissBayliss said:

Wow...trying to quote on the phone is hard

[sneezy_frnk]

I love this episode. dean was so cute in it hehe. now I wanna re watch it  

[telltale]

This was adorable, through and through!