Shhhh, Dean! (SPN, Dean)

[Anilkex]

Miss Bayless, I believe the prompt was for sneezy, exhausted, pathetic Dean in a movie theater. I added kangaroos. Hope that's okay.

Sam sat at the table, head in his hands, wracking his brain for a solution to a problem that cropped up every once in awhile.

“HhhhHih’HETSCHH! *sniff* Pass thuhhh...hih-HRSCHHCHH! book.”

Sighing, Sam handed the journal, dog eared and worn, into Dean’s shaking hands. “Thangks, SaaaaahhhhHp’TSCHCHHYew! Sab.”

Sam dropped his pen and rubbed his eyes, tense and wrung out. He peered through his fingers at his brother, who sat in bed, shivering under a blanket, trying to read over a mass of tissues pressed against his nose.

Dean caught an asshole of a cold from…

...Sam.

The only thankful part, at least for Sam, was that he didn’t have it this bad. It was annoying, it was inconvenient, but it wasn’t incapacitating in any way. Apparently, in the right host, it was downright paralyzing.

The current dilemma involved a feverish, exhausted big brother, who Sam didn’t trust out of his sight for long periods of time. The last time Sam left a sick Dean alone while working a hunt, Dean wandered off looking for him in a Wal-Mart with no socks or shoes, gun tucked in his pants.

But this hunt needed a little breaking and entering so snooping could occur, and there was no way a constantly sneezing Dean could accompany Sam. The actual activity wouldn’t take long, but when you included the incidental crap that always cropped up, things got dicey. Naturally, there was a timeline attached to this situation, and as John loved to say, “lives were at stake”.

Sam glanced down at a map of the little downtown area, trying, once again, to figure out the pattern of attacks.

“Hhhh’AtSCHchhuhh!”

Sam looked a little more closely, noticing that a four-screen movie theater was attached to the building that required the illegal visit. He blinked at the paper, not believing his luck, as a plan slowly formed.

A few clicks on the laptop later showed that the movie selection for that night was...holy shit...a documentary on kangaroos. To be fair, the movie had earned critical acclaim from some independent film festival, but still.

A documentary on kangaroos...

...that lasted almost three glorious hours...

...in a theater that no one would be at, because it was a documentary on kangaroos.

“Hey, Dean…”

xxxxx

Sam bundled Dean in layers, zipping and buttoning and ignoring the flat looks his brother aimed between his eyes. The plan was perfect. Full of medicine, Dean would just pass out in the dark, empty theater, with nothing but a boring as hell movie on the screen. Sam wasn’t far away, and he wouldn’t be long. He also knew the best way to ensure his brother stayed put.

Drugs + manipulation

The plan was genius.

“This is a stupid plad, Sab,” Dean insisted. “How ab I godda be backup like thiiii...thii-this-H’RRschchhheww!”

Sam dismissed him with a wave. “Even sick, you’re better backup than anyone I know.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “How bady people do you really - “

Sam cut him off. “Dean, shut up. Trust me, this’ll work. Take the medicine while I warm up the Impala. The movie starts in half an hour.” In a little brother patronizing fashion, Sam patted Dean’s cheek, grabbed his duffel, and headed to the car.

The second the door clicked shut, Dean snorted (or, rather, tried to snort), and tossed the pills back in the med kit. If Sam was counting on him for backup, he wasn’t going to dope himself on medicine.

Dean Winchester would be on full alert.

His head snapped forward as he sneezed forcefully into some tissues. That one scraped his throat.

He was gonna need more Kleenex…

xxxxx

Sam bought two tickets, making a show of accompanying Dean to the theater before ducking out. Theater Two was their smallest screen, and Sam counted about fifty seats inside. The temperature was warm, the room was completely empty, and Dean was already yawning.

Sam practically did a happy dance.

“Okay…” he whispered, ushering Dean inside and towards the back row. “Sit here. Even though your phone’s on silent, if you leave it on your lap, you’ll know if I call.”

Dean plopped into a seat, setting the tissue box next to him. He rolled his eyes up at Sam. “Thangks, Sabby. I totally forgot how my fuckindg phode worked. Go do what you gotta do.”

Sam blushed a little, totally ready to leave, totally believing in his plan, but started feeling a little apprehensive. “Look...maybe...maybe we should - “

Dean flapped a hand at him, then quickly brought it to his face and sneezed into it. “Just go. I’b fidne.”

Sam sighed. He really had to go. “Yeah, okay. Just...call if you need anything.”

Dean rubbed an eye. “Right - cuz callindg the persod doing the B add E is how Dad taught us to do Be add E. Get. Out. Sab.”

The brothers exchanged glares, until Sam finally relented. “Okay...I shouldn’t be more than half an hour, okay?”

“Yeah. Great. Go...go-Hhhh’Hetschhhyeww! Go dow. Buh bye.”

Nodding, Sam checked around, then quietly exited the theater.

Dean rolled his eyes once more. Jesus. First, Sam wanted backup. Then he didn’t want Dean going out of his way to be said backup.

The kid was nuts.

Sniffling, Dean looked around, taking in his surroundings now that Smother McHoverpants was gone. The theater wasn’t that big, and it was completely empty. As he reached for a tissue, he realized that he had absolutely no idea what the movie was about. Probably some fucking girly movie, with relationships, feelings, and ooooh, maybe decent sex.

He blew his nose, grimacing because it didn’t do a damn thing for his congestion. Seriously, he could’ve killed Sam for passing this death plague his way. It’d been four days, already, and there was no sign of relief in sight. Sam was over it in five. At this rate, Dean’ll be lucky if it’s gone next month.

Dean made a face. Lately, breathing was a luxury that didn’t need his nose. His chest was tight and full of gunk, producing wet, heavy coughs that kept him up at night. His eyes watered. His nose ran. He sneezed all day, all night, all the fucking time.

It made his head hurt. More.

Like, now. He felt it tingle in the back of his nose, fluttering and delicate, cueing an aggressive face smashing campaign with the hopes of squashing the explosive force that rendered him breathless. Dean paused for a second...a second, to set the tissue box on his lap.

His lungs took that second to fill with air, and he knew the battle was lost. A desperate grab for some Kleenex was successful, and he ripped off three, one after the other. “Hhhh-TSHCHuhh! Heh-tschch! Ishchhyeww!” And one more. “Hhhiiiihh-HKISSHHHHYUUuu!”

The force from the last one took him by surprise. His feet rose off the ground, his stomach clenched, and his head bowed, face disappearing into a cloud of Kleenex. Dean sat scrunched like that for a few seconds, making sure he was done.

When a tentative sniffle proved that the irritating itch had stopped, he sat up, wiping his eyes and reaching for a fresh tissue.

His hand came up empty.

What the fuck?

He glanced down - the box was gone. With a sigh, Dean slumped in his seat. He must’ve dropped it during the mini-fit.

Awesome.

The theater floor was sloped forward, which meant the box probably slid toward the front somewhere.

Dean wearily rubbed his forehead, sighed again, and dragged himself to his feet. He needed that box. As soon as he stood, “H’yishshch!!!” He caught it in the crook of his arm, with minimal spray, but when, “Etschshsh!! Itschch!!” hit, he scrambled.

It slid four rows.

Four. Rows.

Dean figured there was some sweet propulsion due to the whole-body sneezing that resulted in launching the thing into the air. Wiping his nose on a sleeve, Dean slowly shuffled across the row, bent down, and picked it up. The change in altitude (all three feet) triggered a shift in his sinuses that left him reeling. Clenching his eyes shut, he let loose. “HRRTSCHCHYUUUuu! Hih--Hp’TsCHCHYuu! Hihchhhh! Huh’Eitttttchh!! Itschchh!!”

Dean fumbled for more tissues. “Ichhhtt! Titchhh! Hih’Chhhh!”

“Oooh - bless you!”

He froze. Cracking open one eye, Dean watched four young women enter the theater, chattering earnestly with each other as they sat very close to where he stood, right in the middle of the row.

Dean took stock of his appearance.

• The tissue box was tightly clutched to his chest.

• A small handful of Kleenex smushed against his sore nose.

• He managed to shiver and sweat through his fourteen thousand layers of clothing.

Dean waggled his eyebrows. He knew he was still one sexy mother fucker.

“HRRTSCHCHYUUUuu!”

Despite the polite Bless You, the girls tossed mildly disgusted looks his way. He flashed a sheepish smile, saluted them with the tissue box, and turned to go back to his seat.

Just then, the theater door opened, and a group of elderly women and men shuffled to the last row. They carried brochures, discussing the printed information about...kangaroos?...and they sat in his seat.

Dean let out a resigned sigh. So much for hiding in the back of an empty theater.

Death grip on the tissue box, Dean moved to an empty section, sitting with a soft sigh. People in the theater meant he had to be a little more careful. Couldn’t be sneezing willy-nilly, right? Don’t wanna be pinned as the sneezy dude in the bulky outfit.

“Hih-Yishhchew!” How long had Sam been gone? Dean checked his phone.

Correction. He tried to check his phone, but it wasn’t in his pocket. Or the other pocket.

Shit - was it on his lap when he sneezed earlier?

Yes. Yes, It was.

Sucking in a groan, Dean pushed himself to his feet once more, smiling apologetically at the girls’ widened eyes when they noticed him moving closer.

He found it, a few rows over, under one of the seats.

More awesome.

Coughing through tightly clamped lips, Dean waded over, squatting to retrieve the phone. “Hehhhh-YISHCHCHYUUuuu!” That one made him bang his head on the back of a chair. Ruefully, Dean rubbed his forehead, and began the now exhausting movement called Standing.

That’s when he noticed a small group of nerdy-looking men sitting in the spot he just left.

Resisting the urge to demand their removal, Dean slumped, plopping down right where he was. The girls didn’t look too thrilled, and he was even getting a couple looks from the gaggle of seniors in the back.

Sam assured him, no one in their right mind would go see this film. But clusters of people who brought their own reading material seemed interested in whatever this was. Dean’s eyes flattened.

His Gonna Kill Sam alarms were ringing.

“HGXNGT! *sniff*” One of the girls peeked at him, over her shoulder. Her silent glare raised his hackles, and he held an internal debate over whether to sneeze uncovered on her. Or maybe near her. That’d be good enough.

The image of Sam’s disapproving frown wasn’t really deterring him.

Confirming his possession of the tissue box and his phone, Dean settled in his seat, trying to inconspicuously get his bearings. There were three distinct groups of people strategically arranged so Dean couldn’t secure a decent sized space for himself. Since his last sneeze, more people wandered in, mostly in couples and singles, making it pretty impossible for him to move.

He fought a wave of irritation, then chided himself. He was there as backup, nothing else. It wasn’t about his comfort, or, “Hhhehhhh…” whether he was being enter - “HHHhhhiiiihhhh…” - tained, or, “HhhhHHHeh’ETSCHCHYUUuu!”

Dean sighed.

There was a last ditch effort on the part of the other moviegoers to encourage Dean to leave or at least be quiet. A wide range of looks were shot his way, and a couple people whispered to each other, glancing furtively at him over their brochures.

He was pretty sure that last sneeze made everyone uncomfortable.

Hell, it made him uncomfortable. His chest ached something awful.

Straightening in his seat, radiating defiance, Dean matched every glare, convincing himself that he could still look menacing while hugging a tissue box.

He was Dean Winchester, afterall.

The lights dimmed, and Dean’s nose took it as a cue to start running like a faucet. He wiped and mopped and basically kept tissues strategically under his nose as he breathed through his mouth. Since the movie was starting, being quiet became a priority to ensure he wasn’t kicked out. Sniffling, Dean pulled his jacket closer together and scrunched down in his seat, trying to keep his face dry.

A massive yawn escaped, triggering coughing as he reflexively inhaled. Clenching his jaw, he fought the tickle in his throat, acutely aware of the people who scooted further away.

The tickle migrated somehow to his nose. It sat in the back of his sinuses, toying with him, remaining just out of reach, so face smashing and nostril wiggling did no good. His eyes began to water, requiring fresh tissues to wipe his eyes, since the other batch was still on his nose.

He was shocked that the box and phone were still with him, given all the movement.

The tickling worked its way toward his nostrils one millimeter at a time. His breath started a slow hitch, and panic set in.

Dean sniffled hard.

“Hhhhhhh…”

He pushed his hand against his nose and rubbed back and forth, up and down, forward and backwards in circles.

“Hhhhhh’iihhhh-heh-hiiih…”

He pinched his nostrils shut, but found himself sucking in air through his mouth at an alarming rate, forcing him to choose - big mess or loud noise?

Noise.

“Hhhhhh’iihhhh--HRSHSCHCH-uh!”

Wrong choice.

“Shhhh!”

Ooooh - that came from multiple directions.

Face covered, Dean’s head reared back for another one. Through tear-filled eyes, he caught sight of a...kangaroo?!...on the screen. Before he can wonder What the Fuck, he catches the next sneeze, “Hiiiihhhh-KISHHHNT!” in his elbow.

“Shush!”

“HNGHXT!”

Frustrated sighs filled his ears, but Dean’s focus was on whether he would sneeze again. He sat forward, face covered with Kleenex, and waited.

“When people think of kangaroos, the four species that typically come to mind are in the genus Macropus: the antilopine kangaroo, the red kangaroo, the western gray kangaroo and the eastern gray kangaroo...”

Dean blinked. Hold the phone. The movie was about kangaroos?

Seriously?

That wasn’t the kind of sex he was hoping to see.

Slowly, Dean sat up, shoving all the used tissues in a pocket, and quickly pulling out a few more. He blew his nose as quietly as possible, and again, refreshed the Kleenex cloud. He’d have to sterilize his coat later. As another yawn escaped, he blearily looked around.

Everyone was so damn focused on the screen, it was almost laughable. All that attention for a kangaroo flick? It figured.

“The musky rat-kangaroo likes to nestle down in little nests on the floor of the rainforests in northeastern Queensland. Gray kangaroos like the forests of Australia and Tasmania, on the other hand.”

Jesus Christ.

As exhausted as he was, Dean was still ready for the next attack. Breaths came in short little bursts, each one filling his lungs. He tried to keep his voice out of the rapid inhales, leaving them breathy and desperate. “H’iiih-heh-hehhh-heh-heh...h’hrmmphh!” He kept it muffled into his arm. Still, someone noticed, more angry sighs and muttered comments filled his ears.

So the next two, “H’nxgt! H’ngt!” were practically silent.

But they were also incredibly painful.

Pretty sure his head was going to explode from pressure, Dean closed his eyes, trying like hell to relax. Once relaxed, the itching and tickling and aches and pains should start to go away.

That’s what he told himself.

Dean forced himself to think about pool. Darts. Chicks. Bobby’s chili, the Impala, “Mphphphew!”, driving, “Heh-hgnxt!”, prairies, kangaroos, seriously, what are they doing on that screen?

“A male can tell if a female is in heat and ready to mate by sniffing or tasting her urine…”

Uh…

That got the tickling and tingling to pause for a moment. Dean sniffled, eyes now rooted on the screen.

“Hp-ngt!”

A quick glance around told him no one noticed - everyone was focused on the holy shit - they could do that? Eyes narrowed, Dean gathered more Kleenex and blew his nose as softly as possible...so he could still hear the narration. The voice was actually soothing, hypnotizing almost, and while Dean’s nose still itched and ran, it floated to the back of his consciousness, as his attention regrouped onto the banging marsupials displayed on the fifty foot screen.

xxxxx

Sam cursed his dumb luck. The breaking and entering part wasn’t a problem. The snooping part was the problem when he ended up having to hide in a closet while some dude decided to surprise! work late. Sam almost knocked him out just so he could get back to Dean sooner.

The image of Dean’s approving grin totally deterred him.

By the time Sam was able to get the intel and sneak away, Dean had been at the theater for almost two hours. Sam tried texting, but there was no signal in the cramped closet. He also tried to think positively. Under the influence of the Nyquil, Dean was currently passed out in the back of an empty theater, none the wiser to the time or his missing brother.

That was the plan, right?

Sam cursed again, and ran a little faster.

xxxxx

Sam flashed a quick smile at the teenager manning the garbage can, showing his ticket stub and hurrying to the theater. He reached for the door handle, took a deep breath, and went inside.

Jesus Christ - the place was packed. Who the fuck wanted to see a documentary on kangaroos? He crept his way forward, scanning the audience for his brother. He took in the variety of people, all enraptured by the larger than life kangaroos bouncing around.

“After a male has won access to a female, he will grab her at the waist from behind with his powerful arms, hold her still and mate with her for up to 50 minutes.”

Oh...oh, for crying out loud. Sam hung his head. It figured that he forced his brother to watch kangaroo porn.

He’d never hear the end of this.

In the middle of the theater, Sam found a huddled figure, shoulders shaking from shivering and coughing. The person’s body shrunk on itself - a jolting convulsion - and Sam realized it was Dean, stifling his massive sneezes in an effort to keep quiet.

Fuck.

“Excuse me…” Sam forced his way past the dazed and entranced moviegoers to get to his brother’s side. Dean’s head swung up, ready for action, with a pre-sneeze expression plastered on his face.

Sam’s eyes widened. Dean looked...so...ugh. Watering eyes drooping from exhaustion glinted brightly in the darkened theater. Light from the film revealed a painfully red nose and cheeks, both showing signs of constant abuse from the almost empty tissue box crushed on his lap. Without touching him, Sam knew Dean’s fever climbed. Coupled with the rest of his appearance, Sam figured out exactly what Dean did.

Stupid brother wasn’t gonna put little brother in danger, even though there wasn’t any danger to be had.

Shoulda made sure he took the pills.

“Hey…”, Sam whispered, sitting next to him, ignoring the looks from everyone around them. He reached out to check Dean’s temperature. Yup, felt like a furnace. “C’mon...let’s get you outta here.”

Dean just stared at him a second before his whole body snapped forward, “Hp’tishhch!” and he sneezed into Sam’s lap. Nice. Slowly sitting up, Dean wiped his nose, and nodded.

Together they pushed past the frustrated kangarooists. “A female kangaroo is pregnant for 21 to 38 days, and she can give birth to up to four offspring at one time, though this is unusual.”

Sam bit back a groan and ushered his pathetic brother into the lobby. Once free, Dean let loose. “HEHITSCHEW! HIIRRSCHCH-Uhh! IIITSCHCHYuuu! HEHSTCHSHYeww!”

Wincing, Sam made a dash for the tissue box before it fell to the floor. And the phone. And...a brochure on kangaroos? He was about to throw it away, when Dean snatched it from his hands.

Sam raised an eyebrow.

Dean sniffed, tucking the literature into a pocket. “Research.”

“Oooo-kay. Back to bed for you. Let’s go.”

The brothers made it back to the Impala, and Sam began the few minute drive back to their motel. Dean slumped against the window, fogging up the glass with every breath.

Guilt gnawed at Sam’s gut. “Dean, I - “

“Did you gehhh-ehhh-TSCHCH’uhh! get what we deeded?”

Deep breath. “Yeah...I did. I just - “

Dean smacked him. “Thed it’s all good, Sabby. H’TSCHUUuu! It’s all good.”

xxxxx

Sam retrieved the previously dismissed medicine from the kit, and made sure Dean took a healthy dose. He tucked Dean into bed, with a fresh box of tissues. Only when Dean started nodding off, did Sam pull out his laptop and begin sorting through the information he swiped.

“Hey...Sabby…”

Sam looked up. “Yeah?”

“Did you kdnow that kaggaroos have three vagidas?”

==end==

Quoted stuff should be cited! Academia be proud!

Castro, Joseph. "Animal Sex: How Kangaroos Do It." LiveScience.com. N.p., 2 Oct. 2013. Web. 21 Nov. 2015.

Bradford, Alina. "Kangaroo Facts." LiveScience.com. N.p., 15 Oct. 2014. Web. 21 Nov. 2015.

[stephab13]

I... um... okay.

Like... this is just... ridiculously hot. I just... yeah... All my buttons. Crazy fits, helplessness, Dean... I just... yeah. More of this?

[MissBayliss]

Oh my gooooooshh. This was incredible!! I was getting upset because I didn't think there would be annoyed moviegoers, but then there were! And precious Dean trying to stifle and be quiet and interested in kangaroos at the same time. It was so adorable. Thank you so much! AND I'm Australian So thanks for that too!

Uhhh, Dean...

*rereads again and again*

[MissBayliss]

I... um... okay.

Like... this is just... ridiculously hot. I just... yeah... All my buttons. Crazy fits, helplessness, Dean... I just... yeah. More of this?

RIGHT!? *fans self*

[Pyrus_Fangmon]

Is there an emoji to describe how incredibly hot and delicious this was? No? WELL THERE SHOULD BE!

Movies. Sick. Dean. Fits. Kangaroos. How? How on mother Earth did you write something so different, so perfect, and so........

*adds to favorites* This must be read again. Perfect job, thank you for this new experience!

[telltale]

This was so cute and funny and hot. Oh my god, super-sneezy, helpless Dean... I do not have words. And Sam is so sneaky and Saaaam.

[Always-a-Ginger]

This was so cute and funny. Kudos for the citations - I love that you used real kangaroo info.

My favorite phrase had to be "aggressive face smashing campaign" so visual and so totally fits Dean

This was great!