"Lovely/Assistant" an X-Files Story (F)

[zakandsara]

We needed more of these, so I wrote more of these. Enjoy.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Agent Dana Scully sat in the passenger seat of the beat up car she was used to and stared, bored, out the window at a view she, even after 6 hours, was still not.

"Why anyone would voluntarily live in Wisconsin is beyond me," she sighed, tiring of the unrelenting miles of cornfields they had endured.

Mulder chuckled. "Fancy yourself a city girl, Scully? Too good to mingle with the salt of the Earth?"

She looked over at him and rolled her eyes at his almost-permanent smirk. "I didn't say that. I just can't see what could possibly be appealing about any of this," she said again, pointing out the window at the unending stretch of nothing but grass, hay bails, and a tree or two every couple of miles. "Don't try to tell me you'd enjoy it. There's not enough action out here to last you a week."

He rolled down his window. "Hey now, I don't always need stimulation. Sometimes it's good to relax, become one with nature." He took a deep breath in. "Smell the nature?"

"I smell it, alright," she muttered, grimacing at a field of muddy cows as they whipped down the empty road.

It wasn't that she didn't particularly like nature, she tried to justify to herself. It was just that she really did enjoy the constant bustle of life in the city. She loved to always be working on a case. She even, though she wouldn't say it out loud, sometimes missed the adrenaline of working with Mulder when one of them was called out of town alone for any reason. She looked over at him, one hand out the open window, smiling into the sun. She couldn't help but crack a little smile of her own at the sight- he looked like the world's most content golden retriever.

"What?" He returned her glance, suddenly noticing her.

She quickly looked away. "Nothing."

He cocked his head. "Come on. I know you want to say something. You want to tease me."

She bit her lip to keep from smirking. "I really don't, Mulder." She really did.

"You're something else," he laughed, shaking his head.

She felt her cheeks start to flush and, to her great chagrin, turned back to the window so as to avoid his gaze; it was the lesser of two evils. As she resumed her titillating lookout post, she suddenly felt a tickle creep into her nose. She discreetly reached up and swiped at it, hoping it'd be enough to quell the itch, but after a second it returned, this time, unwavering.

She pressed the backside of her hand up against her nose and quickly bent down. "He'ngcht! H'tngssh!!" She sniffled softly. "Excuse me," she near-whispered. She looked over to Mulder who, thankfully, seemed to be too invested in finding a radio station that actually transmitted music than whatever she was doing.

"Gesundheit," he said, almost without thinking, as he smacked the dash. "Does Wisconsin even have music? Has it not reached the state yet?"

"Too good for the salt of the Earth, Mulder?" She wiggled her nose.

He stopped fiddling with the buttons and faux-dramatically paused, turning to her. "I knew you couldn't be nice for too long," he said, playfully pushing her shoulder.

She let out a chuckle, but turned swiftly away from him once again. "He'NKgchh! 'NGxscht!!" She unclasped her thumb and forefinger from her nose and sighed. "'Scuse me." She wished she had a tissue, but wasn't about to ask.

"Tissue?"

She looked down at the Kleenex in Mulder's hand that he had somehow suddenly summoned.

"Are you a magician now?" She reached over to take it, but he pulled away.

"Ah, ah, ah. Magic words?"

She rolled her eyes dramatically. "Thank you, Mulder," she finished, snatching it from his fingers quickly, before he had a chance to pull it away again.

"Anything for my lovely assistant."

"Assistant?"

"Lovely!" He shot back, trying to save his ass.

"Yeah, yeah," she muttered, wiping her nose with the tissue. The sun was starting to go down, she realized, and they still appeared to be a thousand miles away from anything resembling civilization. "Are we going to drive all night?"

Mulder shook his head. "We'll find a motel. There should be a little strip of town coming up soon. You'll feel right at home amidst the hustling and bustling Wisconsinites."

She opened her mouth to remark, but was cut off by her own stubborn nose again. "Hn'knngSHH!" She buried her face in her elbow. "Heh'TNschhh!!"

"Gesundheit." Mulder studied her. "Don't get me sick, Scully. One of us has to be able to do some work to make this 12 hour trip worth it."

She cleared her throat and sniffled. "I'm not sick." She crossed her arms like a petulant child and willed the burning, prickling itch in her nose to disappear.

"Right, right. I forgot: doctors never get sick."

Her breath started to hitch quietly. She pressed her wrist to her nose and held her breath. That seemed to do the trick. "I'm not sick, Mulder."

He scoffed, more to annoy her than because he didn't believe her. "Don't hold your sneezes back. You're gonna hurt yourself."

"I'm fine," she spat immediately. For the first time all day, she wished he wasn't there so she could just let them out. "I'm going to...hihhh....sneeze again, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't.....HEH'ekTschhhiOO!!" She caught the sneeze in a tissue he'd, again, magically produced at the last second. "...Bother me about it," she mumbled from behind the Kleenex. "Thank you."

"Gesundheit."

She blew her nose softly. "Thanks. Excuse me." She was embarrassed, but felt so much better having let herself sneeze openly.

"Can I just say one thing?"

She glared at him. Of course, he could never just keep his mouth shut. "What?"

His lips curled into a half-smile. "I think you're allergic to Wisconsin."

She shrugged. "If I am, it's in more ways than one." Her nose twitched. "My God, this is incessant." She closed her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose. She took a slow, deep, shaky breath in and bent down into her hands. "Ha'kNTSCHhhii-OO!! Ugh. 'Scuse me."

"Gesundheit." Mulder rolled up his window and laughed. "You don't have to say that every time."

She sniffled, trying to rub her eyes without ruining her makeup. "Habit. Kind of like your compulsive need to say, 'Gesundheit.'" She turned to him and narrowed her eyes.

He met her gaze. "Gesundheit," he said slowly.

She giggled, scanning the horizon for any sign of life. "Are we almost to the motel?"

"What, now that your little outbursts seem to have subsided, you're completely bored again?" He checked the map on his lap without waiting for her reply. "About 5 miles."

"Perfect," she said, resting her head on the seat. "And tomorrow we have a meeting at-"

"7AM. Bright and early."

"Perhaps a rooster will wake us up," she mused.

"Oh, Scully, for you? I can definitely arrange that."

"Don't you dare."

-------------------------------------------

They pulled up to the motel after what ended up being a less-than-10-minute drive, as Mulder had predicted. The sun had long set and it was getting chilly, the wind picking up a bit more than either of them were used to.

Scully shivered as she stepped out of the car. "It got cold."

Mulder nodded, pulling his jacket on. He grabbed their bags from the back seat and led Scully inside.

It was a simple place, one that some would describe as "rustic" or "cozy," but that Scully would describe as "cheap." But then, she was accustomed to staying in cheap motels, and didn't particularly mind it anymore.

They stepped up to the front desk, scanning the place for any sign of an employee.

"Does anybody work here or do we have to check ourselves in?" Scully whispered, suddenly finding herself sniffling again.

Mulder elbowed her softly in the ribs. "Lay off, Princess Scully. It's only been a minute." He craned his neck over the large, themed bouquets of flowers, hay, and assorted country-evoking fruits and vegetables on the desk, getting a bit antsy himself.

Scully sighed, walking over to the art shoddily hanging on the walls. She looked up, as if admiring them, though she really just wanted an excuse to turn her back on Mulder and rub her nose.

"World-class work, huh, Scully?" He asked, walking over to join her.

Dammit. She kept her index finger firmly planted under her nose, which had begun to quiver.

Mulder reached her spot under the paintings and stopped next to her, looking down at her curiously. It didn't take more than a second to realize what she was doing. "Again?"

She nodded and turned away from him into her elbow. "He'tnSCHHHu! HA'kNGXshht!!"

"Bless you!" A cheerful voice from behind them made Scully jump.

Mulder swung around, putting a guiding hand on the small of his partner's back and leading her to the desk.

"Excuse me," Scully apologized, wiggling her nose. "Do you work here?"

The woman smiled, almost cheesily. "Sure do! You folks looking for a room?"

Mulder mimicked her smile. Scully tried not to hurt herself by refraining from rolling her eyes too hard.

"Yes, we are. Two rooms, preferably near each other, but we'll take whatever you got," he told her, using the same line he gave to every hotel, motel, and inn they'd ever stopped at.

The woman shook her head. "No can do. We've got one room left for the night, and your only other choice is a motel 50 miles down the road."

Scully gritted her teeth. She brought a hand up to her temple and rubbed gently. She was ready to have to amp herself up for another dull, exhausting, dark hour in the car when-

"We'll take it," Mulder said, already handing his credit card over.

Scully whipped her head to face him. "What are you doing?" she hissed.

He patted her shoulder and smiled like a Catholic school boy who had just gotten away with pranking a nun. "Relax, Scully. Another 12 hours with me won't kill you."

"No, because I'll be unconscious," she replied, stifling a yawn. She picked up her bag and started for the room before he even got the key. "Thanks a lot for your help!" she called, without turning back, trying (but not hard enough) to mask her annoyance.

Mulder looked after her, shaking his head, but unable to stop smiling.

"Your wife's very intimidating," the woman said, without a trace of malice. She handed the key over.

Mulder looked up. "Oh, she's not my...." He stopped himself, tossing the key into the air and dropping it into his coat pocket. "Intimidating, she is," he answered, suddenly hurrying after her. "Thank you!" he called, with all the sincerity that Scully lacked.

Mulder caught up to her right before she reached the door. "That woman was afraid of you," he chuckled, unlocking it and pushing it open for her.

Scully ignored him, entering hesitantly and dropping her bags on the floor near the left side of the bed. She sat down, bouncing a bit to test the mattress. She looked up at Mulder. "This is my side."

He cocked his head. "Scully, you're such a gentleman. I thought you'd make me sleep on the floor."

She shook her head, turning tiredly into her elbow. "He'nxGTschh! I barely trust the beds in most places we stay; I'm not about to subject you to whatever the hell might be lurking in the carpet."

He joined her on the bed, stretching out next to her. "How's your nose?" He reached up and tweaked it before she had time to realize what he was doing and pull away.

She smacked his hand as he retreated. "It's fine," she hissed. Though the mention of it didn't help her ignoring it, nor did his poking at it. She rubbed at it herself. "Something's setting off my allergies," she admitted, sniffling.

He squinted his eyes at her. "I didn't even know you had allergies. You're never like this."

She shrugged. "I can usually control them. Can we not talk about this?" she pleaded, suddenly becoming self-conscious. She rose off the bed, laying her coat over a chair and kicking her heels off under it.

Mulder sat up, balling his coat up and tossing it onto the chair next to hers. "Don't be embarrassed. I don't care."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, turning around to face him. "I'm not embarrassed. It's just a dull conversation, that's ahh...all....HE'ktSCHHHi-OO!!"

"Gesundheit."

She rolled her eyes. "I wish you would stop saying that."

He laughed. "You are not an easy woman to please, Miss Scully." He watched her neatly unpack a few of her things and looked over at his own suitcase, which contained only a new shirt for tomorrow and a toothbrush. "One more question, then I'll drop it."

She looked over at him, exhausted, and sighed. "What now?"

"Is there anything I can do? Anything you need me to get you?" He was being sincere, a rarity, and as much as she wished the conversation were over, Scully appreciated that.

She smiled at him, another rarity. "I think I'll be fine. But thank you."

He nodded, looking back into her eyes and cherishing the few genuine moments between them...before Scully's eyelids started to flutter and her breath began to hitch.

She, again, buried her face in her elbow. "Hah'tngSHHHiiO! Ha'KEtSCHHieOO!! God dammit," she muttered.

"Gesundheit," he said absentmindedly as he started to unpack his things. "Oh, shit!" He realized what he'd said. "Sorry. I take it back."

Scully laughed, wiping her nose with a cheap, scratchy Kleenex. "Good boy."

He winked at her, unbuttoning his shirt and tossing it onto his half-unpacked bag. He undid his belt, but paused. "Do you mind? My boxers are clean. I even changed them this week."

She rolled her eyes, waving him off as she passed by him on her way to the bathroom to change. "Do whatever you need to do, Mulder."

He looked down and noticed the pajamas bundled in her arms. "This pajama party is about to have more than one attendee, I see."

She stepped into the bathroom and closed the door just enough that she could poke her head out. "You know, I can still make you sleep on the floor," she reminded him, finally closing the door fully.

She cracked the door back open a minute later, indeed wearing her sensibly matching pajama set. She stepped out with a hazy look on her face, her eyes half-closed.

Mulder looked up and was about to make a comment on her new outfit, but noticed her predicament. He reached over next to the bed and flicked the overhead light on. "Look up, Scully."

She obeyed, her breath hitching delicately. Immediately, it worked. "Heh'nKTschhiiOO!" She bent double, giving in completely. "Thanks," she said tiredly, putting her dirty clothes neatly back into her suitcase.

He put his hands behind his head, resting against the headboard in a white undershirt and his boxers. "You're welcome," he said smugly, watching as she came to join him on the bed. "That was a good one."

She tried to sniffle, but found her nose almost completely blocked. She cleared her throat. "I can't imagine what's giving me such a reaction," she pulled another tissue from the box she'd moved to the nightstand on her side of the bed. She blew her nose for just a second, but it turned into a sneeze halfway through. "K'Ngxschhh-OO!" She resumed blowing her nose, laughing into the tissue. "That was strange."

"What's strange is that your little body can produce this much phlegm," Mulder said, feigning disgust.

She tossed her tissue into the garbage can and finally settled into the bed, glaring at him. "I'm not that little."

He chuckled. "Scully, your legs just barely clear the halfway point of the bed!" He pointed to where her feet stopped, indeed, a few inches past the middle of the bed.

"Well, then it should be easy for you to share a bed with me," she said, sniffling. She snuggled into the pillow, purposefully turning her back toward him.

"Yeah, unless you snore all night." He poked at her back.

She swatted at his hand without turning around. "I can't help it; I'm completely congested."

"Excuses, excuses." He got under the covers, too, making sure not to make contact with her legs as he readjusted himself. "You comfortable, Scully?"

"Mhhmm," she mumbled sleepily. "How- HE'MMphschhht!" She groaned, her face still buried in the pillow. "How's your side?"

He laughed softly. "Just peachy."

"What's funny?" She turned her head slightly, giving him the eye.

"Nothing at all, Scully. Gesundheit."

"Mulder..."

"I said 'Goodnight!'"

[Chanel_no5]

Hahaha, that ending, splendid!

Aww, poor Scully. I almost mean it. I would if she wasn't so cute being a miserable mess..

(Everybody's allergic to Wisconsin, isn't that a curious fact?)

[Garnet]

This is splendid, all around. I haven't watched The X-Files since the 90's and since I was juuust burgeoning on shit, girls are hot, but Gillian Anderson is one of my earliest and most long-standing crushes. So this? This is delightful. Lovely voices for both of them, cool shut-down and jiving snark that combines into something fun and familiar. Also, loving how NOT-EMBARRASSED-uh-but-maybe-I-am Scully is and.

WISCONSIN.

I do not blame either of you at all, even a little.

That last parting bit, though:

"Nothing at all, Scully. Gesundheit."

"Mulder..."

"I said 'Goodnight!'"

!

[TaurielRiver]

I really enjoyed this! Your characterisation is so on-point, I was having such a 'pretty much watching an episode right now!' moment! (And it's that episode I so sooo always wanted to see...? )

"One more question, then I'll drop it."

She looked over at him, exhausted, and sighed. "What now?"

"Is there anything I can do? Anything you need me to get you?"

Along with all the fantastic banter throughout, I just have to point out cheeky-smartypants-but-just-a-bit-caring Mulder. Straight to my heart!

[Klingon]

this was really good so far and I hope you'll continue writing this, and am eager to see what you might come up with for the case their working on. and admittedly even more sneezy situations for Scully to find herself in lol.

[curlyq9393]

I'm dead. That's it. This is the fic that killed me. I can't. I simply cannot. Oh my God.

Okay, but seriously: you captured their dynamic so. effing. well. And it is not an easy dynamic to capture (I've discovered as I write endless fanfic as I compulsively watch every episode of this gd beautiful show). This is brilliant. You are brilliant. If you write part two I might transcend myself.

(I just really really really love The X-Files. Clearly.)

[Bruyere]

This was wonderful and really funny! You did such a great job of capturing Mulder and Scully's dynamic together, their little back and forths throughout were perfect.

[NoV]

You have no idea how much I used to fantasize of a scene like this happening back when I used to watch the X-files. I was always hoping they would somehow get Scully sneezing into an episode. Thanks so much for writing it

[Xsneezelover3932]

Love this!!! I'm so happy to see a new X-Files story! You did so well capturing the dynamic between them. I could actually picture this happening. Great job! More X-Files stories please!! Maybe even a continuation of this one!!