The Mysterious Substance (Doctor Who - 12th Doctor And Clara)

[Joal 555]

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present my very first (and probably last) story for the forum, which is a 12^th Doctor and Clara fanfic. The characters are obviously totally mine , but having licensed them to the BBC and given one simple instruction to Steven Moffat, namely “make Clara sneeze!”, which he has singularly failed to do, the task of fulfilling this basic need has fallen to me.

 

Warning – contains a couple of tiny spoilers relating to series 1 and series 7

 

As I have no ambitions to improve, or even continue, as a writer, I will politely request that people refrain from any constructive criticism. If there is one thing I have learned from Mr Moffat, it’s to pretend that any apparent plot holes (of which there are many!) have in fact been deliberately left open ended, to be solved by the reader’s imagination, or will be explained in future episodes or series

 

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[opening title music and credits]

 

THE MYSTERIOUS SUBSTANCE

 

PETER CAPALDI

 

JENNA COLEMAN

 

WRITTEN BY JOAL 555

 

*wheeze-groan-wheeze-groan-wheeze*

 

The familiar sound of the Tardis filled the air as it materialised on an alien landscape. The door opened and a female human face peered out, swiftly followed by an older looking male Gallifreyan. Clara and the Doctor (for it was they) took some tentative steps onto the surface of the planet and surveyed the area, gradually spinning round for a 360 degree first impression.

 

Their eyes met with very little however. The rocky surface stretched for miles in every direction, with nothing to break up its monotony except for what appeared to be clumps of some form of plant punctuating the ground at irregular intervals.

 

“Nothing, there’s nothing at all?” The Doctor raised a quizzical eyebrow and stared intently at the ground.

 

“Maybe there’s more to see over the horizon” suggested Clara “after all, you can’t always expect the Tardis to deposit you exactly where you are needed”

 

“Well it has done for hundreds of years” The Doctor retorted “and in this case, the distress signal was coming from precisely these co-ordinates. Even allowing for a 0.1% margin of error on the gravitic anomaliser, we should be within eyesight of whatever the problem is and as you know, I’m never wrong by more than 0.1%”

 

Clara rolled her eyes at this latest example of the Doctor’s total self belief in his own ability to navigate the universe, which was seemingly at odds with the reality of his centuries of travel. No matter, she thought, he’ll soon admit his mistake and we can find somewhere more interesting.

The Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver and scanned the horizon.

 

“I’ve got news for you, Clara. There IS nothing else on this planet. As far as you can see is all there is here”

 

“You mean, if we walk to the end, we will fall off the edge?” she asked, incredulously.

 

“Correct, not all planets are spherical, you know. Ok, let’s scout around, we must be missing something. You go that way and I’ll go this way and we’ll meet back here in the time it takes to recite the Brajookish National Anthem backwards”

 

With that his long legs strode away from Clara, leaving her none the wiser as to how long she was supposed to investigate, before returning to the Tardis. Until just before I fall off the planet I suppose, she thought wryly.

 

She began ambling in the opposite direction to that which the Doctor had taken, her eyes looking around for anything that could have caused a distress signal to be beamed towards the Tardis. As she passed the clumps of plants on the ground, she failed to notice that each one was emitting tiny puffs of some kind of vapour into the atmosphere......

 

(30 minutes later)

 

Clara had been as far as she dare - she wasn’t going to go right to the edge and risk tumbling into oblivion. As she returned in the direction of the Tardis, her nose twitched periodically and she felt the need to rub her nose gently to relieve the tickle that seemed to be growing ever stronger. After a while the Tardis appeared in her sights and she could see that The Doctor was already there.

 

“Don’t go too near the plants, Clara” he shouted in her general direction “they appear to be producing something and I need to analyse whether it’s toxic or whether that’s the signal that drew us here”.

 

He dashed into the Tardis and returned seconds later with a weird looking contraption tucked under his arm. As he glanced at Clara, he noticed she had both hands cupped around her nose and mouth. He assumed she had just seen something shocking, but it was he who would soon be shocked, because something was about to happen that he had never seen before.

 

Clara sneezed twice.

 

Disbelief registered on the Doctor’s face. He had come across countless humans on his travels and every single one of them, without exception, had sneezed from time to time. Clara was the only one he had spent a significant amount of time with who had never sneezed and he had been fascinated by this fact. He was always fascinated by anything different.

 

“Bless you, Clara”

 

“Thanks” she mumbled. She was somewhat embarrassed and felt slightly flushed. So that’s what it feels like, she thought. She had seen others sneeze of course, but had always wondered why it had never happened to her.

 

Suddenly, they both sensed movement around them and looked about to find that all the plants had grown in size and were dispelling larger amounts of whatever the substance was.

 

“Doctor, I need to sneeze again” said Clara “I’m going back inside the Tardis” but as she tried to reach for the door, her hand met with resistance as if the blue box was surrounded by an invisible suit of armour.

 

“It must be a force field” the Doctor deduced “presumably caused by the plants. We’re just gonna have to find out what this substance is..........”

 

He was interrupted by 2 more sneezes from Clara, who had been struggling manfully to hold them back, but could resist the urge no longer.

“.....and how come you’re sneezing all of a sudden? Wait, this substance? Perhaps you’re allergic to it?” He pointed the contraption, a mixture of knobs, dials and digital display panels, in the direction of the plants, which had once again grown in size and were now about three feet high.

The machine whirred away and The Doctor examined the results intently, before exclaiming loudly “Clara! This is serious! These are Xera-fungoids. The High Council of the Time Lords thought they had destroyed them all after the inter-plant-etary wars of the 42^nd century (editor’s note – these wars were well before the last great Time War), but this fragment of their home planet must have somehow survived and lain dormant since, floating through space, waiting for the right host to revive them. But why us? What makes us different?”

 

“And if they are making me sneeze, why isn’t it affecting you too?” Clara sniffed.

 

“I’m a Time Lord”

 

“Pfft, that’s your answer to everything” said Clara, holding her nose as she felt the onset of more sneezes.

 

“That’s it!” cried The Doctor, “there’s something in the chemical of a human sneeze that acts as a stimulant to plant life and that’s why they are emitting the allergen, to trigger the sneezes that will restore life to them. And the chemical is extra powerful in your case because you’ve never sneezed before. I’m right aren’t I, you’ve never sneezed before?” Clara nodded dumbly.

 

“That makes the chemical significantly more powerful. They must have detected that somehow and sent out what appeared to be a distress signal to draw us here. Clara Oswald, whatever you do, you must not sneeze again and that’s an order!”

 

Clara could hear the Doctor’s words, but was in no position to respond as she desperately fought a rearguard action against the impending sneeze. She put a finger under her nose as she had seen people do in TV shows, but quickly decided that this must be nonsense as the urge became irresistible.

 

She reverted to holding her nose and stifled the first sneeze, but this seemed only to make matters worse, so she finally conceded that the battle was lost and sneezed twice more into her cupped hands, following this up with some furious sniffling as she struggled to cope with the allergen that continued to be released by the Xera-fungoids.

 

The Doctor observed in horror as the alien plants voraciously consumed the additional chemicals released, such that he and Clara were now surrounded by plants that dwarfed them.

 

“If I can’t find a way to stop you sneezing, they will grow exponentially and use the forces created, to start piloting the planet around the universe and spread like the metaphorical plague. I must think, think, think!”

 

The Doctor dredged his vast memory banks, having first lent his handkerchief to Clara, who blew her nose to try to alleviate the tickling that was already threatening to turn into another batch of sneezes that would have potentially disastrous cosmic consequences.

 

At last he remembered (perhaps the Xera-fungoids had been able to temporarily affect his usual ability to quickly recall facts too?).

 

“It took the combined telepathic thoughts of the entire Time Lord race to defeat them before. Well, I’m the last of the Time Lords, other than The Master, but I did absorb all the energy of the time vortex when I had big ears and kissed Bad Wolf (Editor’s note – see series 1, episode 13) and you went into my time stream when I had a big chin (Editor’s note – see series 7, episode 13) so if you and I can achieve mind lock, there’s just a chance....

 

“It won’t be easy because your mind is still focussed on sneezing, so you need to mentally block that out and concentrate on nothing other than destroying these plants”

 

Their minds locked.......DoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorCla.......until

 

Clara sneezed twice more.

 

She looked sheepishly at The Doctor “I’m sorry, I’m just a weak human, I can’t fight it, the urge is too strong”

 

“Yes you can, yes you can, you’re my Impossible Girl, you can do anything, let’s try again, whole worlds are depending on us”

 

Clara closed her eyes and once more she achieved mind lock with The Doctor.

 

DoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClara ClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctorClaraDoctor

 

As the seconds increased to minutes, firstly the Xera-fungoids started shrinking and then as time went on they shrivelled, withered and eventually completely disappeared.

 

“We did it!” exclaimed Clara and hugged The Doctor, as relief flooded through her body “and I don’t even need to sneeze anymore!”

 

“Well done, Clara! And look, the force field around the Tardis has gone too” he said, as he pushed open the door and they returned to the sanctuary of the spaceship.

 

(a few days later)

 

Clara entered the control room and felt a now familiar tickle in her nose. She reached up her sleeve and, just in time, produced the now freshly laundered white handkerchief that The Doctor had previously lent to her. She held it to her nose and sneezed twice, no longer feeling embarrassed. She was comfortable in the knowledge that now she was a regular sneezer, the chemicals she produced were no longer so potent and wouldn’t be a threat to anyone in the future.

 

“Bless you” said the Doctor, looking up from tinkering with the Tardis controls.

 

“Thank you” said Clara, smiling in a relaxed fashion.

 

The Doctor returned to tinkering and allowed his mind to drift “you know, I’ve seen hundreds of people sneeze and never given it a moment’s thought, but there is something incredibly cute about Clara’s delightfully shaped nose......." and then suddenly he had a premonition of his own future “.....in fact, I have a strange feeling that in about 555 years time one of my future selves will recount details of our latest adventure somewhere in cyberspace”.

 

[closing music and credits]

 

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So there we have it, a simple tale, devised merely to make Clara sneeze. Over to you Mr Moffat.....

 

Edited July 5, 2020 by Joal 555
5 years on I noticed a missing capital letter lol

[TheCakeIsAlive]

Joal, you are a riot.

Absolutely lovely. ^^

[Mustang]

Very nice! I enjoyed reading this very much. I dearly hope this isn't your last story, because clearly you are a talented writer.

[Leafeon78]

I agree I this was very enjoyable to read I even re-read it.

[Pyrus_Fangmon]

JOAL!!!!!! You pun-perfect person you!!! *flails*

This was so magnificently marvelous in so many wibbly wobby ways! I still can't sit still even after re reading this over and over!

Who could have known that the Pun King could write something so perfect!? Best contribution ever!

[TaurielRiver]

So much fun!! (and totally adorable?! ) I love how you wrote this as a mini-episode, very Doctor-Who-style quirky and amusing. And a huge tick of approval for the addition of some well-placed author’s notes too!

You make a very convincing Time Lord.

[Joal 555]

Joal, you are a riot.

Absolutely lovely. ^^

Thanks, Siggy! Given that you are a huge Doctor Who fan, I hope that any continuity references were accurate/acceptable

Very nice! I enjoyed reading this very much. I dearly hope this isn't your last story, because clearly you are a talented writer.

I think that "talented" is a bit of a stretch, but thank you so much Wildcat! That means a lot!

I agree I this was very enjoyable to read I even re-read it.

Thanks, pikachu - people are even re-reading it?

So much fun!! (and totally adorable?! ) I love how you wrote this as a mini-episode, very Doctor-Who-style quirky and amusing. And a huge tick of approval for the addition of some well-placed author’s notes too!

You make a very convincing Time Lord.

Thank you, Tauriel! Praise from you is praise indeed!

JOAL!!!!!! You pun-perfect person you!!! *flails*

This was so magnificently marvelous in so many wibbly wobby ways! I still can't sit still even after re reading this over and over!

Who could have known that the Pun King could write something so perfect!? Best contribution ever!

Thanks, Fang! Your comments made my day! (and the next day!)

[Show&tell]

@Joal 555

Sorry for the Necro, but I think it's a great story!  Ive always enjoyed the Who'verse 😃  This was silly in all the right ways lol.

Edited August 20, 2019 by Show&tell

[Joal 555]

8 hours ago, Show&tell said:

Sorry for the Necro, but I think it's a great story!  Ive always enjoyed the Who'verse 😃  This was silly in all the right ways lol.

Thank you!

By a cosmic coincidence, it is exactly 4 years (to the day) since I posted this and it remains my only fictional contribution to the forum. I have just re-read it for the first time in those 4 years and I thoroughly enjoyed it! Not sure if it's bad form to say that about your own work, but I remember having fun writing it and it's cool that someone else appreciated it too!

 

PS - I miss the 12th Doctor and Clara!