A Cold Is A Very Human Experience (ST:TNG, Data, M)

[SleepingPhlox]

Hello, yes, if you'll pardon me, I need to crap all over canon. Yes, we know that Data can't sneeze. We know this because he tries and fails hard in one episode. But I needed to daydream it and I was trying to figure out plausible ways to make it happen and I finally did and it made me so happy I needed to start typing it out.

I love the scenario of someone who does not know what it's like to get sick experiencing it for the first time. And I have so much love for Data, and I'm so glad I finally get to torture...I mean, play with him.

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Prologue

<Many sentient lifeforms. Mostly human. All humanoid.>

<Human adaptability has been studied extensively. There is no new research to be had here.>

<If we return with no new research, we shall lose our funding. We must find a lifeform to study.>

<What will we do? Their medical technology is fairly advanced. If we remove something, they find a way to replace it or adapt to life without it. We have learned all we can from them.>

<If we cannot study their adaptability by removing something, perhaps we can do so by adding something where it is not expected.>

<Do you speak of the blind one? That would not cause a problem. We cannot study adaptability by providing them with solutions, only problems.>

<Look around, what do you see?>

<Human. Female. Sound body. Empathic abilites. Male, past heart injury, now repaired, otherwise sound body. Male, tall, sturdy, sound. High sex drive. Male, young, inexperienced, high intelligence...Male, android, positronic brain structure, lacking humanoid biological processes.>

<We are undetectable??

<Yes, sir.>

<Then let the research begin.>

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Captains log, supplemental. Day three in the stretch known as the Lonely Expanse has proven just as uneventful as the first two. We are proceeding at low warp. Although there is not much to see here, the time has proven useful for a crew badly in need of some downtime. I myself am planning to visit the holodeck and indulge in a little relaxation of my own.

Captain Picard, the male with the past heart injury but otherwise of sound body stood up, straightening his uniform as he did so. He turned to his bearded first officer with a smile. Being out here with no problems to sort out, no sudden attacks, no mysterious occurences had even put the seasoned captain in unusually high spirits.

"Well, number one. My steed awaits me in Holodeck 2. You have the br-"

"hehKSHHEHHH!"

Picard stopped and turned toward the two figures sitting at the viewscreen with their backs to him.

"Wesley-" he began, then corrected himself. "Ensign..."

"It wasn't me, sir," the young man stammered, as if he were afraid of being chastised for interrupting the captain. "Honest."

The yellow-silver android sitting beside him raised his head ever so slightly, slight motions of his head from side to side indicating that he was rapidly trying to process information that was entirely new to him. He stopped staring at the droplets covering the control panel in front of him and turned his head to face the captain.

"He is correct sir. I believe that was...me."

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To be continued.

[SleepingPhlox]

And Part 1. I realise I probably could have posted the prologue and Part 1 together, and I don't want people to think I broke it into separate posts as an excuse to bump my own story or whatever, it just really, really needed to break where it did for effect. I am sorry!

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Part 1

Data stood passive, motionless save for an occasional twitch of the head,or sweep of the eyes to follow the two officers with very disparate skill sets as they tried to work together to make sense of what was happening. He was unaccustomed to being treated in Sickbay. In the unlikely event he needed repairs, they usually took place in Engineering. However, this was a singularly unlikely and unusual event.

Dr. Beverly Crusher, the ships physician, held her medical tricorder near Data's face again, using to scan carefully. She sighed when she read the results.

"No matter how many times I run the scan, the reading comes out the same. But it's not possible." She held a cotton-tipped swab delicately between her thumb and forefinger. "I am sorry, Data. This might feel a little strange to you. I'll be honest, it's a little odd to me, too. It's been quite a while since I needed to gather a sample to run through the ships computer." She continued speaking as she delicately dabbed the cotton under Data's nose. "But it's clear we're going to need a lot more processing power than a tricorder has to get to the bottom of this."

"It is perfectly all right, Doctor," Data said in the same matter-of-fact tone he said everything in, though tinged with an odd, rather congested-sounding quality that, like many other things that were happening right now, should not have been possible. "The sooner we ascertain the nature of this substance I am leaking, the sooner we will be able to repair the malfunction."

Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge, who was busy running scans of his own on an exposed panel on the left side of Data's head, threw up his arms in frustration.

"If I could figure out the source, I could at least try to repair it. But you don't have any fluid-based systems anywhere near that area. And from here, everything seems to be working fine. Your systems are running a little hotter than usual, but still within safe parameters."

Geordi slapped his side and paced in frustration as a dark haired nursed handed Dr. Crusher a PADD with the scan results.

"If I didn't know better, Data," Geordi exclaimed. "I'd say you just had a runny nose."

Beverly gestured at the PADD with the same level of frustration. "The ships computer came to the same conclusion you did. And it agrees with the tricorder's results. This is human nasal mucus with traces of viruses of the rhinovirus family."

"You may wish to run the scan again," Data said. "Your results are clearly incorrect. As an android, I am unsusceptible to a rhinovirus infection. In addition, if I were exposed to such a thing, it is highly unlikely my mechanical body would respond in the same manner as a humanoid's. Also, as I lack nasal mucosa, there is absolutely no possibility of me producing that substance."

Beverly arched an eyebrow and tilted her head. Even with his limited understanding of human facial expressions and body language, Data could clearly read her expression as "You are very lucky I'm going to let that go for now".

Data's jaw dropped slightly, and he began a series of shallow, rapid inhalations. His chest moved ever so slightly, while the rest of his body remained immobile.

"Data," Geordi said with alarm. "Data, what's happening? I'm not reading a malfunction, can you-"

"Hah'KTTCHU!"

Geordi paused, stunned. He looked first down at his uniform, where the mustard yellow was speckled with darker spots of dampness, then up at Data, who-true to form-seemed entirely unperturbed by what he had just done.

"Eew, Data! Just...aw, man. Didn't anyone ever teach you to cover your mouth when you sneeze?"

"I have not been given any such instruction because there has not been a need for it. Until today, I have been incapable of such a function." He tilted his head. "If I am honest, I had often wondered what it was like. Sneezing, that is. I envied humans for being able to experience something that I could not. However, now that I have experienced it, I do not think I care for it very much. I would like to stop now."

"You may not have a choice, Data," Beverly said. "We may just have to treat this the same way we'd treat it in a human. Rest and let it run its course."

"I do not think that would be wise, Doctor. I am not human. If there was a malfunction in the ship's computer, would you attempt to fix it or let it 'run its course'? And I am now finding that certain of my functions are not available to me. I have become unable to run air past my olfactory sensor unit. This is limiting the amount of information about my environment that is available to me. It is...unsettling."

"In human terms," Beverly said, smiling despite herself. "You have a stuffy nose. But don't worry. Geordi is going to teach you how to blow your nose. That should at least give you temporary relief."

She pressed a square of cloth into the engineer's hand. If Geordi's eyes were not hidden behind his VISOR, she probably would have seen them widen in alarm.

"Me?! No, way, Doc. That is a medical job, not an engineering one."

Data had begun those strange, rapid inhalations again.

"Data, no!" Geordi exclaimed just at the moment it looked like the android was about to unleash another sneeze. Instinctively, his hand flew up and he clamped the cloth in his hand over Data's mouth and nose. He just made it in the nick of time.

"Hehh...MMPHchfff!"

Geordi breathed a sigh of relief, while Data simply looked at him with an air of curiosity in his yellow eyes.

"Was that how I...'blow my nose', Geordi? I believe the doctor was incorrect. I do not feel any relief. I am still unable to access my olfactory sensors, and the leak seems to have intensified."

"No. That was Lesson One, and the most important thing you must remember. Always cover your mouth when you sneeze and never sneeze on people. Or things."

"Hmm." Data paused and his head twitched slightly as he processed the information. "Thank you, Geordi. That information has been saved to my memory banks."

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To be continued and thank you for reading

[Leafeon78]

This was brilliant I enjoyed it a lot ah to much.

[SterlingSilver]

Oh my goodnessss~! This is such a treat! I love the trope of androids/non-humans sneezing for the first time, so I was quick to leap on this as soon as I saw it post! You have such a fantastic voice in this piece, and even though I haven't seen the show enough to know the characters well, I can see that you are very, very good at portraying them >w<. I loved the beginning, and am very excited to see how it develops! Thank you so much for sharing !

[NorthernLady]

Hello, yes, if you'll pardon me, I need to crap all over canon. Yes, we know that Data can't sneeze. We know this because he tries and fails hard in one episode. But I needed to daydream it and I was trying to figure out plausible ways to make it happen and I finally did and it made me so happy I needed to start typing it out.

First thing first....

Data is my first fandom crush and as such, I am totally beyond myself to see this story. I've never though about prompting a sneezy Data story...darn.... Anyway, I love where this story is going

[KickingUpTheDust]

this is actually so cute and i love it :-)

[Cutelittlenose]

This is really cute. It's making me laugh because Data doesn't know anything. I like this a lot, please continue.

[SleepingPhlox]

Oh my goodness, thank you, thank you, thank you for indulging my silly android love. I am so incredibly grateful. This has genuinely taken over my brain to the point where I can't keep up with how much my mind keeps thinking of it, so I will probably be spamming this with new updates over the next few days.

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Part 2

The doors to sickbay opened with a smooth hiss, and in stepped Commander William Riker, the first officer of the ship. His bearded jaw was firmly set, his eyes steeled-a facade expertly designed to hide the uncertainty he felt. If there was one thing he hated, it was things that could not be explained. And right now, a sneezing android was up there at the top of that list.

"Well, you two. Do we have any answers-" he began in a stern and imposing voice, then stopped at the sight of one thing that demanded answers above all else. "Geordi...um...what are you doing?"

"Commander LaForge is teaching me how to blow my nose, sir," Data said brightly, the lower half of his face obscured by a handkerchief he pressed lightly to his nose and cheeks with his fingertips. "It is a most intriguing lesson."

"And if either of you breathe a word of this to anyone," Geordi muttered. "I'll deny everything." He turned back to Data. "No, that's still not quite right. Here, move your hands in, like this. No, more like...here." He reached up and adjusted Data's hands into the correct position.

Riker bit his lip to hide a smile. It didn't work. Unable to mask the amusement in his voice, he nonetheless continued with the purpose he had come here for.

"Doctor. LaForge. Between the two of you, what have you figured out? Is this an engineering problem or a medical problem?"

Beverly shook her head, her red hair tumbling about her shoulders. "As near as I can tell, what we have on our hands is an artificial life form who has managed to contract a very real cold. What I don't have the the how or the why."

"Ensign Healy is setting up a workstation for me," Geordi chimed in, then to Data said. "Now press on this side of your nose and blow."

Data pursed his lips and blew air gently through them.

"Seriously, Data?" Geordi sighed. Every now and again he forgot just how literal and precise one had to be when instructing the android. "Use your fingers to press your left nostril closed, then force air through your right nostril to...ah...expel the obstruction."

Data obeyed. From the sound of things, there had been quite the obstruction.

"Now do the same thing for the other side. Good. How does that feel?"

"I believe that was most effective. I am not able to fully access olfactory information but I can now move air through the passages...oh...interesting...The passages have become obstructed again."

"I'm sorry, Data. It looks like when you get it, you get it bad. You'll just have to keep repeating the procedure."

"Understood. That is rather inconvenient, is it not? Can we not find a better solution?"

"Lieutenant LaForge," Riker said, his amusement making way for slight impatience. "You were saying something about a workstation?"

"Oh, yes. Ensign Healy is setting up a workstation for me. Since Data started experimenting with adding to his programming, I have been giving him periodic assessments. We've kept a log of every subroutine his functions include and compare them to assess how the changes affect him. The last log was made three weeks ago. I'm going to hook Data up to the ships computer and compare every single bit of his programming to the previous one. If a subroutine has been added since the last check-up, we'll find it."

Riker turned his attention to Data, trying his best to ignore the latter's loud and forceful noseblowing. "Don't you have an entire internal system for detecting these problems? I find it hard to believe that your first instinct wasn't to run a self-diagnostic."

"Indeed, it was sir. But it was...hahhh...PTSHHHFFFU!...incomplete."

"Incomplete? Data, that's not like you. Run it again."

Data hesitated. There was what had all the appearance of a glimmer of worry in his yellow-irised eyes, as they peeked over the top of the handkerchief which he still pressed to his face, as no-one had yet thought to instruct him to remove it when he was finished using it.

"What are you waiting for, Data? Run your self-diagnostic."

"Is that...is that an order, sir?"

"I'd rather not order you, but if you force my hand, I will. We want answers, Data. We want to help you."

"Very well, sir." His head twitched. "Initiating self-diagnostic procedure."

Data stood there impassively, still holding the handkerchief to his face. His eyes moved rapidly from side to side, interspersed with the occasional head-twitch.

"Seventeen percent...thirty-nine percent...sixty-two percent...seventy-five percent......eighty-nine percent..ninety-"

And then, suddenly, without the remotest hint of warning, Data's still stiff as a board body pitched sideways. If only for the fact that Geordi was standing there and was able to respond as quickly as he had, Data would have hit the floor. And then, he was still rather lucky that Riker was close enough to jump in and give a helping hand when Data's 100kg frame proved to be rather heavy for Geordi to handle on his own.

"Data, what was that?" Riker demanded. "What happened to you there?"

"That is why my self-diagnostic was incomplete. I am able to scan every part of myself, except for the parts that are affected. If I try, my equilibrium sensors malfunction and my optical functions temporarily degrade, and I-"

"Faint," Geordi finished.

"While that would not be an entirely accurate label, it would be an analogy that humans would understand. Therefore, in this situation, the word 'faint' will suffice."

Beverly tsk-ed. "I am so sorry, Data. If any other patient came in here, I would attempt to make them as comfortable as possible, and I've just left you standing there while we poke and prod you. Here, let me get you a chair."

"Thank you, Doctor. Your apology is unnecessary. I understand why you would assume I would not mind standing. Normally I sit out of convenience, or to fit in, and I rarely require to sit out of comfort. Today, however, I find that my joints may be in need of maintenance, and I am experiencing mild, but persistent equilibrium difficulties. I believe I would prefer to sit."

Beverly produced a chair, and Geordi slid it next to the computer console. The program was ready to run. All that remained was to connect Data to the computer by means of a red cable plugged into the exposed panel above his ear...and wait. Out of instinct, Geordi helped his friend into the chair, although Data was likely more than capable of performing the task himself. He also used the opportunity to gently ease the handkerchief away from Data's face, much to the android's confusion.

"Geordi," Data protested. "Why have you taken that away? I still need it. I am still...what was the phrase? 'Stuffed up'."

"You don't have to sit there holding it like that. Just grab it when you plan to use it. And we need to get you a new one, anyway. That one's outlived its usefulness. Now..." With a click, he snapped the cable into place. "All we do now is wait. Tell me if you feel a sneeze coming on. That way I can check the screen immediately, instead of going back through a few hundred lines of logs."

"Understood."

With Data's back to her, Beverly took the opportunity to motion to Riker, beckoning him over to her side. She nodded toward a small computer screen. Riker considered it a moment, wearing a frown that deepened the longer he pondered the display.

"Doctor Crusher, am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"

"This is from the sample I analysed from Data a little while ago."

"But Data doesn't have human cells."

"Well what's coming out of his nose is carrying some in it, that's all I know. And the strange part is that the DNA does not match anyone on the ship. It appears to be unique to Data."

"No. That's not possible."

"There's a lot about this that isn't possible, but here it is looking right at us."

"Well, Pinocchio," Riker muttered. "Maybe you are becoming a real boy after all."

Riker pressed on his temples and paced up and down the length of sickbay, trying his best to come up with some sort of possible answer for what was going on. He wasn't sure what he expected to contribute. If one of Starfleet's finest engineers, one of Starfleet's finest doctors, the ships computer, and an android whose brain rivalled the ship's computer collectively couldn't come up with an answer, what hope did he have?

"Could it be something to do with Q?" Riker finally blurted out.

"We considered that," Geordi replied, "But while it does look like his calling card, he wouldn't have been able to resist letting us know it was all his doing."

"Geordi," Data interjected suddenly. "I believe I am going to-haah'CHEGGGH!" He paused. "I am sorry that I was not able to inform you in time. Sneezing seems to be random, and I am unable to predict the pattern of a current sneeze based on past ones."

"It snuck up on you, it happens. Don't worry about it," Geordi reassured Data, giving him a friendly pat on the shoulder.

"I'm going back to the bridge," Riker said. "Let me know immediately the minute you get any answers."

"Understood, sir," Geordi replied, then turned back to the screen. "I'm not seeing anything out of the ordinary, yet. We'll keep running the test a little while longer. Data, do you think you can manage to sit there and sneeze a few more times?"

"Unfortunately," Data replied. "It seems to be unavoidable that I will, in fact, do just that."

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To be continued, and thank you for reading!

[NorthernLady]

Oh my goodness, thank you, thank you, thank you for indulging my silly android love. I am so incredibly grateful. This has genuinely taken over my brain to the point where I can't keep up with how much my mind keeps thinking of it, so I will probably be spamming this with new updates over the next few days.

I REALLY don't mind. You story is like, something that was missing in my life and I didn't even know it. Spam away, dear! Can't wait to see how sneezy or sick my favorite android will become

[Leafeon78]

Oh my I'm loving this a lot want more sick Android.

[SterlingSilver]

Oh my goodness, thank you, thank you, thank you for indulging my silly android love. I am so incredibly grateful. This has genuinely taken over my brain to the point where I can't keep up with how much my mind keeps thinking of it, so I will probably be spamming this with new updates over the next few days.

I REALLY don't mind. You story is like, something that was missing in my life and I didn't even know it. Spam away, dear! Can't wait to see how sneezy or sick my favorite android will become

DITTO~! I AM SO EXCITED <3. This is so well-written, and the characters are all so perfect. Data is just so immediately likeable >w<! I could read this all day. In fact, I just might ;D haha

[Medowsweet]

I used to love star trek tng as a child. and I love data and his quest for humanity! Great story! Takes me back! Keep working on it!

[Cutelittlenose]

I'm curious...why isn't everyone else scared of Data? He's sick, after all, as already determined. Although, making most people stay away from him might be a bit mean. Never mind. That would be sad because he would be all confused.

[uniquelyme]

OMG!!! THISSSS! This is so amazing!! I love Star Trek so much and I love Data so much!! This is so in character and well written I'm so excited for the next update!! Simply wonderful XD

[SleepingPhlox]

You know, I don't even know how to thank y'all for reading this babble. Especially because there is (are?) like a million more things that have to happen before the conclusion. Like, for example, everyone needs to get their turn to fuss over Data.

oh, and cutelittlenose, that is a very good question. The way I reckon it is: if you believe that it is genuinely literally impossible for someone to be sick, you don't worry about them being contagious and stuff.

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Part 3-In Which It Is Picard's Turn To Fuss

Captain Picard had made a valiant effort at enjoying his holodeck program, a new program that he had been looking forward to trying out for quite a while, but worry over Data's condition weighed heavily on his mind, and consequently he saved the story for later in favour of visiting his ailing officer in sickbay. He had developed a strange sort of protective paternal instinct for Data since the latter's posting to serve under him on the Enterprise. This was made even more strange since-aside from a slow, grudging warming up to being a role model to young Ensign Crusher-the captain did not have a paternal bone in his body.

In his desire, and sometimes struggle, to understand what it meant to be human, Data often came to Picard for advice. Sometimes, in a flash of vanity, Picard allowed himself to entertain the notion that this was because Data considered him to be a singularly admirable example of humanity. Other times he put it down to Data's strong deference to, and respect for, authority figures.

Either way, he took his position of trust in Data's eyes very seriously and always did his best to steer the innocent android as prudently as possible toward his goal of becoming as human as he could.

It troubled him that he was not able to give Data any answers right now.

Picard composed himself before he approached the sickbay doors, which slid open at his presence. He attempted to look as unconcerned as possible as he approached Data who, at this moment in time, was now lying on his back on a bio-bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, singing quietly and impassively:

"Sixty-three bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-three bottles of beer..."

"Well, good afternoon," Picard said, unable to completely hide his bewilderment. "And how is our patient feeling?"

Data turned his head slightly. "Greetings Captain. I am surprised that you would ask that question. As you know, I am an android. I do not feel-"

Picard held up a hand to stop him. "Yes, yes. I know. The question was a form of social nicety, Data. I meant it in an...er...symbolic sense. I am asking how things are progressing for you."

"Ah. I have deteriorated slightly in the time I have been here. My processing speed is now down to 81.76 percent of normal. My power cells' efficiency in recharging themselves stands at 72.3 percent of optimum. Several internal systems are running at the high end of the normal range. Olfactory input is down to zero. Frequency of sneezing has increased. The phenomenon which is being described as 'having a runny nose' has also intensified."

"It sounds like you're describing being tired and feverish to me."

"Yes, captain. That would be an acceptable analogy. You take one down and pass it around, sixty two bottles of...haahhhKTCHeeeh!...beer on the wall. Sixty two bottles of beer on the wall..."

Quizzical, Picard turned to Geordi and Beverly. "Can anyone explain to me why he's doing that?"

Geordi turned around. "Sorry, Captain," he said guiltily. "That was me. I...uh...had my reasons. Data, you can stop now."

Data tilted his head to look at him. "Thank you, Geordi." He resumed staring patiently at the ceiling.

Picard smiled. He could probably guess at the nature of Geordi's reasons, and suspected that they may have had more than a little to do with Data's chatterbox nature. He hadn't quite mastered the art of brevity, or knowing when to keep one's thoughts to himself. "Thank you, Data, that's enough." was a phrase everyone could remember uttering at least once.

Picard pulled a chair up to the side of Data's bed, and sat. "So, are we any closer to an answer?" he asked. It probably would have made more sense to begin by asking the doctor and the engineer directly, but he was quite aware that Data had an intense dislike of being spoken about as if he were an object, and preferred to be addressed directly in matters that pertained to himself. It was an odd quirk for a so-called "machine" to have, and Picard not only entertained it, but indulged it, seeing as a flickering spark of humanity within the mechanical heart, a spark that must be nurtured.

"We have come up with a very long list of what it is not," Data replied.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Do not worry, sir. Dismissing the false is an essential step of solving any mystery. With every possibility determined to be invalid, we become closer to finding the correct answer."

"Do I detect the influence of one Mr. Sherlock Holmes there, Data?"

"Why yes, sir. Thank you for...hahhh...hahhPTSSSH!...noticing."

The two sat in silence for a moment while Picard turned a thought over in his mind. Finally, he spoke:

"Data," he began slowly.

"Yes, sir?"

"Your creator used the human body as a blueprint when designed you, isn't that right?"

"Yes sir, that is correct."

"So your optical sensors are in your eyes, your auditory sensors are in your ears..."

"Yes, sir. And my receptors for analysing the makeup of ingestible substances are located on my tongue...two artifical lungs circulate air for my system, a network of quasi blood vessels circulate the fluids that lubricate and feed my systems, and when I need to excrete excess fluids I do so through my-"

"Yes, thank you Data," Picard said hurriedly. "That will be enough. I get the picture." He sighed. "And if I remember correctly, you were given the ability to simulate tears and saliva, is that right?"

"Yes, sir. Although those abilities are a facade, an affectation, purely for show. I do not require tears, nor saliva, but I believe Dr. Soong gave them to me so that I could better emulate human actions. Also, on a biological level, they do not resemble real human tears or saliva at all."

Picard patted him on the shoulder. "'Real' is subjective, Data. Anyway, is it at all possible, that you were given the function to...how would you say it...emulate a human response to nasal irritation. That is, give you the ability to sneeze in case you ever needed to?"

"Possibly, Captain. However, it is unlikely that I would have remained unaware of it for so long."

"You were unaware of your homing device until it was activated." He left out adding "And you nearly killed the bridge crew following its signal."

"That is true, sir. However, my creator had very specific reasons for keeping that hidden from me until it was needed. Also, there have been several instances when substances that would be considered irritants would have entered my nasal passages, and my body has never attempted to expel them in such a manner."

"He has a point there," Geordi agreed, remembering a time he had to use a tool to meticulously clean out an astonishing amount of dust impacted into Data's nostrils after an away mission. It was a bizarre and awkward task that he had successfully managed to cleanse from his memory until now. "And we have scanned him inside and out and are not finding anything mechanical that could be causing this. If Dr. Soong did hide it, he hid it good. And based on the rest of Data's design, that doesn't seem likely."

"The only clue we have to go on," Beverly chimed in. "Is the human cells we found in his mucus. Which, I might add, unlike his tears or saliva, is actually biologically indistinguishable to what any one of us would produce."

"Well, LaForge, Doctor...any recommendations?"

"Yes," Beverly said emphatically. "Data should be treated just as any other crew member would be in his condition. I recommend he be removed from active duty and allowed to recuperate."

"I agree," Picard said. "And arrangements have already been made."

This caused quite an abrupt reaction from Data, as his torso suddenly swung into an upright position while his legs remained completely immobile and outstretched, which was a very unsettling sight and Picard was startled, despite himself.

"Sir, I must protest. I do not wish to be removed from active duty. Although I am...hehhh...KTSSSHU!...functioning at less than optimal levels, it still surpasses the average human level of functioning. I would not be any danger to myself or others in this condition."

"That is absolutely not the point, Data. The point is to allow you to rest."

Data processed this for a moment. "Very well. I can still be of use to the ship via the workstation in my quarters."

Picard smiled and shook his head. "Oh, no, Mister Data. I'm afraid I am one step ahead of you already. When I said arrangements had already been made, I was referring to the temporary quarters that you will be assigned for the duration of your illness. Normal crew quarters with no workstation. You will rest. Perhaps you will read, or paint, or even sit quietly. But the one thing you will not do, is work."

"But, Captain! Would you be satisfied with this if you were in my position? Would you be content not to perform your duties if you knew you were entirely capable of doing so?"

"Yes, Data...of course..." Picard stammered in reply, trying his best to avoid the side-glance that Beverly was throwing in his direction. "I will order you to rest, if I have to."

Data nodded. "Spot prefers to sleep in a certain spot at my workstation. The change of quarters will not go down well. I am not sure how I will break the news. I...hahhh...haaaahhh..."

Data paused, bracing himself for a sneeze that never came. When it became apparent that it was just not going to see itself through to its natural conclusion, he looked puzzled.

"I beg your pardon, sir. That one...hid from me."

Picard let out a hearty laugh despite himself. "Hid from you? Explain, Mister Data?"

Data tilted his head. "A sneeze that happened quicker than anticipated was said to have 'snuck up on me' I assumed that a phrase denoting an opposite activity would be used for one that failed to occur. Have I assumed incorrectly?"

"That does make a certain amount of logic, I suppose. It is not a phrasing that is generally used, but-"

"HAAAHKTCHHU!...Ah. I believe I located that one after all."

Picard couldn't help but laugh again. "Gezundheit, Mister Data." He stood. "When you are discharged from sickbay, contact security. They've been asked to spare a couple people to help you move whatever you need into your temporary quarters. And feel better soon."

Data opened his mouth to correct the inaccuracies in the captain's final sentence. Then, after pausing for a moment to run it through his memory banks, appeared to change his mind.

"Thank you, sir. I shall try."

************************************************

To be continued and as always thank you so very much for reading!

[NorthernLady]

Skwiiiiiiiiiii Ok that was goood

"Yes, sir. And my receptors for analysing the makeup of ingestible substances are located on my tongue...two artifical lungs circulate air for my system, a network of quasi blood vessels circulate the fluids that lubricate and feed my systems, and when I need to excrete excess fluids I do so through my-"

"Yes, thank you Data," Picard said hurriedly. "That will be enough. I get the picture."

That made me LOL hard So Data! And of course, So Picard

Data nodded. "Spot prefers to sleep in a certain spot at my workstation. The change of quarters will not go down well. I am not sure how I will break the news. I...hahhh...haaaahhh..."

Data paused, bracing himself for a sneeze that never came. When it became apparent that it was just not going to see itself through to its natural conclusion, he looked puzzled.

"I beg your pardon, sir. That one...hid from me."

Picard let out a hearty laugh despite himself. "Hid from you? Explain, Mister Data?"

Data tilted his head. "A sneeze that happened quicker than anticipated was said to have 'snuck up on me' I assumed that a phrase denoting an opposite activity would be used for one that failed to occur. Have I assumed incorrectly?"

"That does make a certain amount of logic, I suppose. It is not a phrasing that is generally used, but-"

"HAAAHKTCHHU!...Ah. I believe I located that one after all."

Logical indeed... Loved this!

"He has a point there," Geordi agreed, remembering a time he had to use a tool to meticulously clean out an astonishing amount of dust impacted into Data's nostrils after an away mission. It was a bizarre and awkward task that he had successfully managed to cleanse from his memory until now.

Now I can't stop imagining Geordi with one of those tool that teleport stuff, inserting it inside one of Data's nostril to remove the gunk. With of course a very Startrek sound effect LOL

I meant it in an...er...symbolic sense. I am asking how things are progressing for you."

"Ah. I have deteriorated slightly in the time I have been here. My processing speed is now down to 81.76 percent of normal. My power cells' efficiency in recharging themselves stands at 72.3 percent of optimum. Several internal systems are running at the high end of the normal range. Olfactory input is down to zero. Frequency of sneezing has increased. The phenomenon which is being described as 'having a runny nose' has also intensified."

"It sounds like you're describing being tired and feverish to me."

I didn't catch the feverish aspect but Yah! Sick, sneezy and feverish android is the way to go, Can't wait to see how Data will describe being shivery or the other symptoms he might experience

OH and almost forgot the part about how nobody expect to catch a very real cold from an artificial human Unexpected boon *thumbs up*

Edited June 28, 2015 by NorthernLady

[KickingUpTheDust]

Aaww the precious baby android *~* he needs to be snuggled up and rested.

[Leafeon78]

Oh brilliant very interesting need more.

[Aranea]

OK, this fic pushed me to make an account. Seriously. I was just bumming around like normal, and I read what you have so far and it made my day. Seriously, it's gorgeous. I look forward to reading more as this progresses.

[Medowsweet]

Very, very, very accurate to both the characters and the little... Things they do in a tng episode. Makes me want to go out and watch some tng! Excellent work!

[blackrose]

This is a VERY good story!

[NorthernLady]

OK, this fic pushed me to make an account. Seriously. I was just bumming around like normal, and I read what you have so far and it made my day. Seriously, it's gorgeous. I look forward to reading more as this progresses.

We come for the sneezes but we stay for the fics (amongst other things ) Welcome aboard!

[Aranea]

OK, this fic pushed me to make an account. Seriously. I was just bumming around like normal, and I read what you have so far and it made my day. Seriously, it's gorgeous. I look forward to reading more as this progresses.

We come for the sneezes but we stay for the fics (amongst other things ) Welcome aboard!

Haha, thanks! I've been lurking for ages, it was seriously time for me to actually show my face.

[SleepingPhlox]

I didn't catch the feverish aspect but Yah! Sick, sneezy and feverish android is the way to go

Perhaps you would have, if I hadn't left out a word which happened to be an important word, the absence of which turned a sentence that would have made sense into one that seems odd and out of place. Oops!

Aranea: Wow, thanks! And that's kinda why I ended up registering, I was lurking around looking at things and I wanted to tell the makers of the things how much I liked the things. Welcome to the forum!

All the other folks, even if I don't quote you or say your name, I appreciate wholeheartedly your reading and comments. It makes my day like you wouldn't believe. I am having a lot of fun getting this from my head onto the screen so I hope I can continue to make it somewhat interesting.

Notes: I have a LOT of Data head-canon. Some of it shows up here. But then I suppose that's the point of fanfic.

****************************************************

Part 4-Oh Worf, I Didn't Know You Cared!

Data was not accustomed to needing to lean on anything for comfort or support. His sturdily-made frame was designed to avoid fatigue and maintain balance perfectly. At the moment, however, he found that it was much easier to avoid toppling over if he stood with his shoulder in contact with the wall.

"I'm so sorry I can't at least give you something to make you more comfortable," Beverly said soothingly. "But all the medicine we have is...well, for biological bodies. Nobody's invented an aspirin for androids yet."

"Indeed it would be surprising if someone had. There has never been a need for such a thing, therefore it has never occured to anyone to conceive of it."

"Yes, Data. That is...true," she said, shaking her head slightly to try to rid it of the fact that she had spent so long with Data, things like that were actually starting to make sense. "But, you'll be happy to know that I have perfected these," She handed him a plain white box of tissues. "And they should now be essentially Data-proof. As long as you aren't too hard on them. And I've added them to the replicator database shipwide, so you can replicate as many as you need from your quarters."

"Thank you, Doctor." He paused, obviously running something through his mind. Finally he looked up and spoke: "But I am puzzled about one thing. The term 'Data-proof'. Does this mean I am unable to use them? Why would you give them to me if that were the case? I am having trouble understanding this."

"It just means that you won't be able to break through them as easily as the normal ones."

Tissues had seemed to be the more logical option. They were less bulky, took less resources to replicate, and were much easier to dispose of afterwards. All of which were very important given just how often and profusely Data needed to blow his nose, and it was just getting worse as time went on. However, despite being the logical option, pitting them against Data's literally superhuman nasal strength had proven to be nearly hopeless at first.

Lieutenant Worf approached, his imposing Klingon physique towering sternly over Beverly and Data. He glowered at Data from under a forehead full of ridges underscored with impressive eyebrows-not for any particular reason, "glower" was just his face's default setting.

"I have come to escort you as you move into your new quarters," he growled, which was the default setting for his voice. "I have two strong men-"

"HNKGHKT!"

Data experimented with stifling a sneeze for the first time, and immediately realised it was a mistake. It left him with an effect rather like someone had put a large metal bucket over his head and beat it soundly with a stick. He was only able to make that comparison because that exact situation had happened to him before. People weren't always...receptive to an android in their midst, and some were downright unwilling to accept him as anything more than a particularly advanced toy-a toy that could, for example, be teased with buckets and sticks just to see what would happen. He pressed one hand against the wall to steady himself, and the other involuntarily grabbed Beverly's arm. It took him a full 4.753 seconds, according to his internal clock, to completely regain his senses and balance.

"Data!" Beverly scolded.

"I am sorry, Doctor. I thought I might try forcing the sneeze not to occur. It appears this is impossible. Or I did not do it correctly. Perhaps-"

"You mustn't do that, Data. You have a lot of important systems located in your head. Your brain, for example. We have absolutely no idea what effect that kind of pressure can have on your machinery. You could end up doing permanent damage."

"I have been designed to withstand considerable amounts of damage before suffering permanent impairment. However, that experience is not something I am keen to repeat, so I can assure you, I will not do that again."

"Good,"

Worf cleared his throat to command attention, and began his sentence exactly where he had left off. "-who will assist you in carrying your things. I have been asked to be present to carry you in the event you need it." He lowered his tone to a warning rumble. "Please try not to need it."

Data turned his head to the side to face Worf. Finding himself at eye level with Worf's chest, he adjusted the angle of his head upwards twelve degrees.

"I will try," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Good. Follow me."

Data tentatively removed his shoulder from the wall and found that he was more or less able to stand without the support. He turned, stiffly, to leave.

Beverly couldn't help herself but call out after him "Don't forget to come in for a follow up tomorrow morning. And don't forget that you can call Geordi or myself if you need anything. Okay?"

"Thank you, Doctor. I will not forget. As you know, it is impossible for me to forget without purposely erasing something from my memory banks. And as I do not intend to do that, I-"

"Follow me faster."

Data shut his mouth and made every effort to keep up with Worf's lengthy, determined strides. Normally the android was one of the few who had no problem with such a task. Today, however, every move was difficult. Every joint present in his frame felt like a rusty door hinge in bad need of a drop of oil. And that was before his balance difficulties were brought into the equation. And his power cells were now recharging at...he performed a quick check...69.7 percent of normal. Perhaps he should check his processing speed. 88.3 percent of normal. His functional ability was dropping rapidly. This caused him some concern.

"Haahhh...haaahhhh...hahKTCHAA-hhuh!"

Data put a hand out to steady himself on the wall. He stopped walking briefly, then resumed with jerky, awkward steps. He hadn't noticed, but Worf had gradually slowed his pace to allow Data to keep up with him.

Worf's face twisted into a grimace. He was about to say words that did not feel entirely comfortable on his lips.

"Are you..." he winced. "Okay, Commander?"

"A momentary lapse in balance control. I am...'okay' now."

"Good."

Worf stared vehemently ahead, deliberately avoiding eye contact with Data. Feeling concern was bad enough. Showing that concern was about as far as he'd go. He wasn't going to let this turn into some sort of weird human bonding moment or something. Or android bonding moment. Whatever. It was not happening.

Data, on the other hand, didn't quite get the picture.

"May I ask," he ventured. "How do Klingons deal with being unwell?"

"We don't."

"Klingons don't get sick? But I know that is not true, because-"

"We do not admit to it. And if anyone dares to suggest otherwise, we threaten them with violence until they drop the subject."

Data let out an intrigued "Hmm" to that information, and his head twitched slightly as he added the new information to his memory banks. He probably wouldn't be emulating this behaviour any time soon, but it was good information to have, if only to prevent himself being threatened with violence in the future.

There was silence for a brief moment, all too brief in Worf's eyes, until Data blurted out "You are capable of carrying my workstation to my temporary quarters, correct Mr. Worf?"

The intensity of Worf's glare of disbelief was immeasurable. "My capability aside," he said, unwilling to admit aloud that this might be a bit too large of a task. "Captain Picard would not be best pleased if you disobeyed his orders."

"Ah," Data said. "That was an attempt at the form of humour derived from making a statement so ridiculous it cannot possibly be believed, presented in a serious manner as if assuming the listener will in fact believe it. It appears I...hahhh'KTCHUUU...miscalculated. I really cannot get the hang of it."

"Humour is overrated. We are here. Show my men which things you will need. You must..." he winced again. Damn this human touchy-feely nonsense invading his brain! "Get to your new quarters and rest as soon as possible."

**********************************************

To be continued and as always thank you so much for reading!

[Leafeon78]

Still just as good need more data, much enjoyed