Just Another Thing That Hunters Don't Do (SPN)

[SexualOddity]

So, I've been hanging out on Tarotgal's meme (which is a lot of fun, and please do come and join us: http://tarotgal.live...com/968179.html) and this is my first fill. I hope you like it!

The prompt, by Cowboyguy, was:

"Supernatural. What if sneezes were contagious the same way yawning is? The boys find out exactly what that's like when they get cursed."

--

For some reason, whenever it came to training Sam, Dean turned into an asshole.

“Right in the line of fire, that was when I was really thinking clearly you know. And I knew. Absolutely knew. I was putting that sucker in the ground.”

Sam resisted the urge to sigh. He’d heard this about a hundred times. At least seventy-five of those times were in the three weeks after Dean’s first kill. Once he’d had his second and third and fourth killings, and especially once John had decided it was time he put him back in his place, Dean did calm down a little. But what a surprise, as soon as it was time to teach Sam about hunting, all of the old stories came parading back out.

Sam slumped, pressing his head more heavily into his hands. He ached. His head hurt, his chest hurt, his brain was still fuzzy from his History test that afternoon and the last thing he wanted in the world was to be sat in that old woman’s stuffy house asking her stupid questions that she didn’t want to answer.

He tried to press his lips together to trap a yawn, but it forced its way through. Belatedly, he lifted his sleeve to smother it.

“For God’s sake Sammy, don’t start that agai...” Dean rolled his eyes and yawned into the back of his hand. “Damnit. You make as bad as you are. Didn’t you just hear me telling you how you need to be sharp?”

That time, Sam did sigh.

“Are you even taking this seriously? C’mon Sam, you know this stuff is important.”

“Ibm sick Deand. I dond’t get why I have to...uh... HhHuhUHTChuh! HukKTchYew!”

“Oh God, don’t get me started on that one.”

“On whhuh... on what. Sniff!” Sam leaned over and grabbed the box of kleenex from the witness’ coffee table. “HehUshhhhah! HahUshhhhah! HehASHhhh!”

“That.” Dean took the box from Sam’s hand, pulled some out some tissues to dump on Sam’s lap and then returned it to the table. “You can’t just sneeze your way through a job.”

Sam crushed a whole wad of kleenex in his fist and pressed them to his nose. He was sure he’d proven very effectively sneeze that he could sneeze his way through a job and he wasn’t in the mood for one of their Dad’s pointless rules.

“Why ndot?” Sam asked, too tired to bother to conceal the barb in his tone.

“Because it’s not what hunters do Sammy, you know that. You ever see me sneeze all over a witness’ living room?”

“It’s coffee time.” The witness bounded back into the room with a sing-song tone and a tray of cups, sugar and milk. Sam twisted over his shoulder to look at her, with a sudden and short-lived feeling that she’d been there longer than he’d realised. He immediately felt like he was gonna sneeze again though, so he pinched his nose hard and prepared to ‘be a hunter’ for the remainder of the interview.

--

Sam twisted in the passenger seat and buried his nose in his elbow. “Hih-NNgh!”

“Huh’HEhTCHuh! Ugh.” Dean sniffed. “You know we’re not on the clock anymore. You can sneeze properly now if you want to.”

Sam lifted his head up long enough to comply. “Huh... HeHkTSHhhyew!”

“EHT’TCHEW! Ugh. God. Sam. Sniff! If you gave me your cold then I’m gonna kick your ass.” He reached over to ruffle Sam’s hair and they drove along in silence until Sam’s nose started to tickle again.

“Ehhh... Hhhuhh...HHHhh...”

“Gesundheit kid.”

“EhhHuHSHhhShyew! HehUSHhheh!”

“EH’HPPt! H’HSHH! Sniff!”

“Ehhh... SHhyew! HuhtT’Eshh!”

“ESHhhUH! HUH...EHhh...ISHHEW!” Dean sniffed again and pulled his bandana out of his pocket, glancing sidelong at Sam.

“Hah... Uhhh... IsSHhhAh!”

“HPpSHEW! Sniff! Sam...”

“’Tshuh!”

“EH’SHUH! No, Sam... sniff! Just...Quit sneezing a minute.”

“What?” Sam wiped his nose on the back of his hand. “I thought we were Uhh... off the huhh... the clock... Huh... EHhh...”

“SAM.”

Much as it annoyed Sam, he didn’t want to argue with that tone. Instead, he pressed his whole fist against his face, huffed and leaned against the car window. His nose twitched and tickled infuriatingly for a minute, but then settled.

He watched Dean out of the corner of his eye as he sniffed tentatively and screwed up his forehead, concentrating.

“Okay.” Dean said, at last. “Go ahead.”

“What?”

“Go ahead and sneeze.”

“I dond’t have to any mbore.”

“You’re kidding me? You’ve been sneezing since you came out of School. How can you not have to?”

“Well, I cand’t just...”

Suddenly Dean reached across him and opened up the glove compartment. There was a quick hissing sound and Sam’s eyes were watering before he could even recognise the air freshener from the gas-stop cleaning kit their Dad had resorted to when they were seventy miles from nowhere.

He brought his hands to his face, his sinuses burning.

“Huhh..HHPtTchyew! Huh...HHtChyew! HuhIsHhh! HuhhIShhh! HahhIShhhAh! HeHTcHuhh! Huhhh...Huhhh...Uuhhh’Ishhhtchyew!”

“EHT’CHUH! Shuhh-Hhh-Shit. EHP’SHUH!” Dean swerved into a side street and parked up, sneezing. “HUH’ISSHEW! Okay. HUHP’SHUH! This may not have been the buhh’HuhUSHHh! HUHTSHHH! HUHPT’TCHEW! Ughhhh... The best idea.” He wound down the windows, trying to get some air to Sam. “You gonna be okay?”

“HuKkTchyew! Uhh...HhTtChyew!” Sam nodded.

“EHSHSHEW! HuhEHSHEW! Good. Sniff! We need to talk about what’s going on here.”

--

One upside to the whole thing was that that they could pretty quickly figure out where to find the witch they’d been looking for. By the time their Dad came back and checked his temperature, Sam was running a low grade fever, so he was dosed up with cold medicine and Dean left on Sam-watching and spell-reversal duty while John marched off the bust the witness. It was some kind of empathy spell apparently. Thankfully, John was able to get a hold of the Latin text and the bagfull of dime-store crystals that would break it.

The motel room had a worn-out little kettle and some chipped mugs, so Dean made tea for Sam. As soon as he handed it over, he started pulling the blankets off Sam’s bed.

“If you’re ndot gondda sleep, you cadn at least stay warmb.” Dean explained when Sam shot him a questioning look.

“Dond’t you just wandda get this over with?” Sam asked, because Dean should have been ripping the ingredients out of their Dad’s hands once he walked through the door, not tucking blankets under Sam’s armpits twenty minutes after he’d left them with everything they needed. His voice was rough, his nostrils were red-rimmed and cracked and he’d been carrying an entire box of Kleenex around the room with him, pausing every minute or so to press a fresh wad against his continuously running nose.

In spite of that though, he just shrugged. “Curse isnd’t goindg andywhere,” he answered. “Besides, the heatindg is shitty ind this craphole and you’ve got a fever.”

“Is this... EshhUh! HehHEshhShyew! AhTchhuh! Sniff! Is this because of the curse?”

Dean turned his back, grabbing at a couple of tissues from out of his box. “HESH’EW! EhhTSHsHyew! Huhh...HPTCHYEW! He rubbed his nose on the back of his arm and then finally started unpacking the crystals. “Is what the curse? The sndeezindg? You’ve beend sndeezindg all afterndoond Sabm. Pretty sure yours are still just sndotty little brother gerbms.”

“You beindg ndice to mbe.”

“What?”

“Dad says it’s adn embpathy curse.”

“I’bm always ndice to you!”

Dean was usually nice to him, but Sam decided not to correct him. When he said nothing, Dean sighed and dragged a chair closer.

“You kndow what Sambby?” He asked, taking a seat. “I feel like Hell. I really do. And I’bm just sndeezindg. I dond’t have the headache or the fever or the crap odn my lungs. Mbaybe I do get it a little mbore.” He clapped Sam on the shoulder. “But that’s ndot goindg andywhere ondce we fix this spell, you got that?”

“Okay.” Sam blew his nose and watched Dean as he laid out the first of the crystals, cursing and muttering as he tried to copy the complicated pattern their Dad had scrawled out for him. “You ndeed sombe help with that?”

“Ndah, I’bm okay. Drindk your tea.”

He got to the third row of his crystal pyramid, precariously balanced on the second, before he looked up at Sam again.

“You kndow I dond’t wandt you to have to hundt when you’re sick and stuff.”

“Okay.”

“I mbeand it. Trust mbe, if I could mbake you tea and put you to bed everytimbe I would. It’s just...”

“Dad?”

“Ndo. Well yeah... But ndot just that. Sombetimbes there are just gondda be jobs that we have to take, whatever we’ve got goindg ond. Thadt’s hundtindg, you kndow?”

“Yeah I kndow.”

“It’s probably better you get used to it ndow.” He placed another crystal on the stack, setting it down tentatively like an unstable jenga block. “Hey, at least in a coupla years you wond’t have the History test part to deal with.” He nudged Sam, probably trying to be encouraging. “Bondus, huh?”

Great bonus, Sam thought. But he didn’t say anything.

“Proceed with the indcandtatiodn, odne hand touchindg the upper-bmost crystal and the other idn condtact with a crystal frobm the bottobm row. Who writes this fuckindg crap?” Dean shifted his hands into position though, and started reading through the Latin.

Sam had been feeling like he needed to sneeze pretty much constantly, so it was tough to realise it was actually going to happen before it was imminent. That’s why it took him by surprise when his breath caught.

Dean looked up instantly. “That better be a yawnd you’re holdindg ind...”

Sam squeezed his fist around his nose and held his breath, but his eyelids fluttered against his will, and his breathing followed quickly after.

“Huh’huh’hih’huh...hih...huh...”

“Oh ndo, Sabm, quit it, combe on...”

“HhhHPpTchuh! HhhHEPtTchuh! Ehhh...HHhhhuh.... HUHhhh... HHH’TSsHhhShyew!”

He caught his breath. He wasn’t sure whether he was gonna sneeze again, but he clamped his nose between his thumb and finger just to be safe.

He looked up at his brother.

Dean’s lips were thin and tight as he pressed them together, his eyes wet. He was fighting it hard, and to be fair to him, he was good at it. Much better than Sam. Once, they’d had to break into an animal shelter to investigate ritual sacrifices. Dean had sneezed for a full thirty minutes once they’d gotten into the car, but in the shelter Sam didn’t see him so much as a sniffle. This was different though, the spell demanded three sneezes, and as far as Sam could see, Dean didn’t have any choice but to comply.

He gasped suddenly, tears spilling out over his cheeks. He shot a look at his arm and then his shoulder, but he wasn’t going to be able to twist into them without upsetting his slippery glass-chip mountain.

“HNkK!” Dean’s head jerked violently but his hands stayed still. “HkKPSHshew! Uhhh...” Dean took a half-a-step back, head tilted to the ceiling and swallowing back air. “Ehh...HHUSHhUHhh!” He pitched foward, his hand cutting through the stack of crystals and sending them clattering across the table and onto the floor. “Goddambnd it! Stupid fuckindg idiot spell.”

Sam reached down and grabbed a handful of the fallen rocks. “I guess that’s why we don’t sndeeze our way through a job.”

Dean swatted him round the back of the head with the spell instructions. But he also grinned, and they set about rebuilding the tower together.

[Pyrus_Fangmon]

Omg omg omg omg! The sneezyness!!! It's sweet sweet torture!

This was marvelous, thank you for writing!

[anna]

Love the bits where they are holding back

[ID2006]

Thank you thank you thank you for the link.

[HPG]

Dear Lord! This just made my day.

[sierraplaid]

Great prompt with an awesome fill! I especially love the ending of this, with Dean trying to fight the curse but to no avail, and Sam being a little snarker. Not to mention-- "Trust mbe, if I could mbake you tea and put you to bed everytimbe I would." Awww. Me too, Dean, me too.

[Anilkex]

This is why I love your stuff:

For some reason, whenever it came to training Sam, Dean turned into an asshole.

I loved their stuffed up voices, I loved Sam's inner commentary, I love the things you write.