"It's A Wife Thing" (Big Love) FINISHED!

[Chanel_no5]

***Note***

Character crush always means ignited imagination. Yes, I know it’s annoying. I annoy myself. I try telling myself that at least it’s good for me to keep on writing SOMETHING, but yeah. I have no excuses, really. I love this show and I was just going to watch an episode or two but I ended up binge watching the four first seasons. I’m just starting on the last now. It’s so addictive, which is weird because usually as soon as anyone mentions religion in any way I just tend to zone out. But… yeah, I can’t help it, I love these characters and this show and I know there are probably not a lot of fans of this show here, but I’m writing this anyway!

This is set sometime around the earlier seasons, before they were outed. Updates happen when they happen. Unless I get another bout of “too-nervous-to-do-public-posting“.

***

“I was thinking about maybe getting a cat,” Margene tossed out carelessly as the three wives sat down with the schedule. Barb didn’t even look up from the calendar she was checking.

“A cat? No.”

“Why not?”

“Because Boss Lady is allergic,” Nicki replied.

Barb rolled her eyes at Nicki.

“Please, don’t call me Boss Lady. And yes, Margene, I am.”

“But I’d keep it in my house.”

“While you spend much more time in my house than I do in yours, I still go there regularly. And even if I didn’t, you’d have cat hair all over you, and…” she trailed off, raised a hand to her face and stifled a sneeze against her wrist. “HehnGKT! See, just talking about it sets me off,” she remarked jokingly and gave Margene an apologetic glance. “Sorry sweetie. But I’m really allergic, so, I‘m afraid it‘s not possible.”

“Okay,” Margene sighed, but all the while she thought about the stray tabby kitten in her bedroom, and she made a trademark Margene emotional decision to keep it, at least for the time being. What Barb didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, right?

“There, I teach Tuesday and Thursday this week, and then there’s a teacher’s conference on Wednesday. Margene, will you do the shopping?”

“Sure.”

“And Nicki…”

“Yeah, I know. New glasses for Teeny. I’m on it.”

“Good. That’s it then…” she sniffed and pinched her nose.

“Are you okay?” Nicki asked. Barb blinked a couple of times, sniffed again and then lowered her hand.

“Yeah, I thought I was going to sneeze again, but it went away.”

“Are we done? Great! I have a lot of stuff to do today,” Margene said and gathered her things, rushing out of the door. The two other wives looked at each other and exchanged partly amused and partly annoyed smiles. Margie was charming, but she could be so childish sometimes. Barb opened her mouth to say something, but instead she merely gasped for air. The sharp inhale erupted in a violent sneeze that she only just managed to catch in her sleeve.

“HeeTSSHHIO! Oh, finally.”

“Please tell me you’re not coming down with something. We have just managed to kick that cough we’ve passed back and forth and we don’t need more viruses for a while,” Nicki groaned.

“I don’t think so. It’s just a tickle. I bet it was Margene’s talk about cats that got me going,” she waved it off, but even as she spoke she felt the persistent tickle in the back of her nose. She rubbed it with both hands and sniffed.

“Hand me a Kleenex, will you?”

Nicki handed over the whole box and sighed loudly as her sister wife blew her nose.

“I still think you’re coming down with something. You never sneeze more than once if you‘re not sick or allergic.”

“I’m fine Nicki!,” Barb shot back and blew her nose again. Nicki shook her head a little.

“Alright, if you say so. Just don’t breathe in my direction.”

Barb rolled her eyes again and fought back another sneeze. She really didn’t need an argument with Nicki right now, no more than she needed a cold.

***

Margene slammed the bedroom door behind her.

“Shit!”

She knew that the other wives frowned upon her vocabulary, but sometimes you simply needed something a bit more forceful than “darn”. She was at a loss of what to do. Of course she didn’t want Barb to suffer, but she couldn’t just throw the little furball out.

“Alright Kitty, we’ll keep you hidden. That’s what we’re gonna do. Okay.”

She patted the cat that stretched out on the bed and purred loudly. How hard could it be; it wasn’t like Barb would spend a lot of time upstairs in Margene’s house anyway. All she needed to do was to remember to brush the cat hairs off her clothes before going to Barb’s, and everything would be just fine.

***

Barb rubbed at her nose for possibly the hundredth time, annoyed at the persistent though light tickle. It had been teasing her all afternoon, and while she hadn’t sneezed any more for hours, she quite clearly still needed to.

“Hey honey, I’m home!” Bill called out as he entered the front door. He walked through the house, into the kitchen, and leaned in for a kiss. Barb held up a hand to wade him off.

“Don’t. I might be coming down with a cold.”

He watched her closely. “You were fine this morning.”

“I know, I felt fine this morning, but now, I‘m really stuffed up…”

“Yes, I can hear that. Hope it’s just a cold then, and not the flu.”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “Oh, have you spoken with Margene?”

“Honey, I just came home, I’ve only spoken to you so far,” he replied, trying to sound patient.

“Right. She’s been acting a little weird. She just bolted when we were done with the schedule, and she usually sticks around,” she said, bemused, and rubbed her nose with the palm of her hand. “Arrgh, my nose tickles so bad, I wish I could just sneeze and get it over and done with!”

She froze as the tickle grew from mildly distracting to I-need-to-sneeze-NOW-urgent, and she cupped both hands in front of her face.

“Heehh… tSSHHEW!”

“Wish granted,” Bill joked. “Bless you honey.”

She wiggled her nose and sniffed. “Thanks. Anyway, could you tell her I need to talk to her… “ she paused and rubbed her nose with her knuckles. “…oh dear, I have to sneeze aga-heh-haEIISSHH! Again.”

“Bless you,” Bill was concerned. “Maybe you shouldn’t be handling the food tonight.”

“I don’t exactly see a whole line of people volunteering to help,” she groaned.

“I’ll tell Nicki to do it. What did you want to talk to Margene about?”

Barb sighed and wiped her nose with a Kleenex. “It's a wife thing. Just send her over, will you?”

“Sure.”

He walked out into the backyard and closed the door behind him. Barb sat down by the kitchen table and began solving a crossword puzzle while she waited for Margene. It seemed the tickle had calmed down a little after the last sneeze. Maybe it was nothing after all.

***

“Margie!”

Margene winced at the sound of Bill’s voice. “Shit, shit, shit! Hide!” she ordered the kitten. Sleepy yellow eyes looked up at her before closing. The kitten yawned and stretched out, not showing the slightest sign of obeying.

“I’m coming!” she screamed and jumped out of bed, closing the bedroom door behind her and rushed down the stairs, nearly falling over in the process.

“Hi? What, uh, what are you doing here?” she asked. Bill frowned.

“I’m coming home to see my wives, that’s what I’m doing here. Are you okay?”

“Fine! Never better. What’s up?”

He shook his head a little. “Barb was right, you are acting weird.”

“Huh? What? I’m not acting weird. Am I?”

“Yes you are. But I’ll talk to you later. Barb wants to see you. And I have to go and talk to Nicki before I forget it.”

“Barb wants to see me?” Margene sounded worried.

“Yes she does. Hold on, is there something going on here that I should know about?”

Margene put on her most innocent smile and shook her head. Now Bill was certain there was something weird going on. Margene could not lie to save her life. But at the moment he decided to let it slide.

“Fine. Just go talk to her, okay?”

He stepped out again and headed over to Nicki. Margene let out a relieved sigh before running over to the other wife.

***

“There you are.”

“Yeah, here I am! So, what did you want to see me about?”

“Did you remember to pick up the new shirts for Bill?”

“Yes, I have them, don’t worry.”

Barb began to say something, then raised a finger as if to say “one moment,” and pressed the back of her other hand against her nose and turned away from the younger woman. “Hehh… Nkkt-SCHew!”

“Bless you! You okay?”

Barb nodded, but her nose felt like it was on fire and she pinched it and stifled three quick sneezes in a row. They were soundless, but judging from the look on her face, obviously not painless.

“Are you sure?” Margene asked as she sat down on the chair next to her.

“No, I’m not sure,” Barb admitted and sniffed thickly. “I just… ktSCHEW! Oh heavens… I can’t stop sneezing.”

“Do you have a fever?” Margene asked and reached out a hand, placing her palm on Barb’s forehead. The other woman pulled away from her touch.

“No,” she snapped and immediately doubled over with another fit of messy, itchy sneezes. She was trying her best not to spray the younger woman but was unsure of whether she succeeded or not.

“ISCHEW! HehnkTSCHew! HehgTSCHH! Ehh-ikTSCHghh!”

She took a shaky breath, ready to succumb to another sneeze at any moment, and was relieved when that didn’t happen. She wiped at her watery eyes and sniffed wetly. Margene snatched a couple of Kleenex from the box and handed them over to Barb without taking her eyes off of her.

“Bless you again. I’ve never seen you sneeze this much, what’s wrong?”

“I have no idea,” she sniffed. “It’s the wrong season for pollen and the only other thing I know I’m allergic to are cats…”

Margene looked as if someone had hit her.

“Can you possibly be that allergic?” she blurted out and clasped a hand over her mouth, regretting the words right away. Barb turned to look at her. Her eyes were swollen and red, her nose was pink and her nostrils twitched with the ever-present need to sneeze. She looked awfully miserable, and Margene felt guilty.

“What do you mean?” Barb asked, narrowing her eyes.

“Just that, err, I…” Margene thought as fast as she could and decided to use their neighbours for cover-up. “I was over at Pam’s earlier and their cat curled up on my lap.”

“Uh-huh,” Barb said and recoiled. “That explains it.” She folded the Kleenexes, brought them up to her face and blew her blocked nose as forcefully as she could.

“I’m so sorry!”

“It’s fine sweetie, just… get away from me, okay?”

“Oh. Right. Of course.”

Margene got up and got ready to sneak out when Barb spoke in a nasal, incredibly stuffy voice:

“Funny. I had no idea they had a cat.”

Neither did I, Margene thought as she smiled nervously and left the red-nosed first wife alone with her tissues and her allergic reaction.

Edited April 17, 2015 by Chanel_no5

[zakandsara]

Yes yes yes yes yes this is everything

[Chanel_no5]

I have never seen this show (I hope it's a show) but I loved it anyways:) Good work, Chanel_no5:)

Thank you.

Yes yes yes yes yes this is everything

Awww, thank you! I'm really glad you like it, I hope you'll keep enjoying it!

***

Nicki was not pleased to get the additional chore to cook for everyone tonight, and she wasn’t going to pretend that she was. Besides, her own nose was starting to tickle.

Way to go Barb, she thought. Thanks for subjecting us to whatever viruses you pick up elsewhere just because you’re so stubborn to work away from home…

Her grumpy internal dialogue came to a halt when the tickle became a full-fledged sneeze.

“Heh-tsshoo! Eesschoo!”

She caught the quick double into her sleeve, cleared her throat, and went on with what she was doing. Either this was just psychosomatic or she was coming down with this darn cold herself, and she preferred to believe the former.

And of course she had run out of flour, and there was not a chance in the world that she would go into Barb’s germ-infested kitchen and look for some. She went over to Margene’s instead. It was closer anyway.

***

“Margene! I’m out of…” she fell silent at the view before her. “What is that?”

Margene lifted the cat up and pressed it against her chest.

“Oh please don’t tell Barb!”

“Don’t tell her?!“ Nicki nearly laughed. “Maybe you can hide it from her but you sure won’t be able to hide it from her nose! What are you doing with that cat anyway?”

“I found her on the side of the road, some mean kids were throwing rocks on her and she just needed somone to take care of her…”

While Nicki prided herself on not being emotional, the idea of people throwing rocks at such an innocent, defenceless being was just painful. She pursed her lips and considered.

“Fine, I won’t tell Barb. But you need to take that animal to a shelter or find a new home for it within the week Margie, do you hear me?”

“Yes!”

“And you can’t tell Bill, because wow, not even your big smile will save you then.”

Margene turned on that very same big smile at this.

“I won’t. Thank you so much for keeping my secret Nicki, it really means a lot to me.”

Nicki scoffed.

“I’m not doing this for you! I do it because I think Boss Lady deserves a few obstacles in her perfect day-to-day life.” She looked down and realised that she had started patting the cat. “And, well… I do it for the cat too. A little bit.”

She refused to meet Margie’s eyes because she knew that if she did, she wouldn’t be able to keep a smile off her own face.

***

Barb, on the other hand, most definitely wasn’t smiling. She rubbed at her itchy eyes and groaned. The allergic reaction should have faded by now, but it showed no signs of doing so. She went into the bathroom and searched the medicine cabinet for Benadryl and found to her annoyance that the package only had one single pill left.

Yeah, that’s what I get for taking those whenever I run out of Xanax, she thought and swallowed the pill. This allergic reaction, fierce as it was, would be over tomorrow anyway, but right now she really needed relief of any kind. Her nose felt like it was stuffed with thorns. It was nearly painful to sneeze, and even more so not to.

“Honey, how are you feeling?”

She turned around to face her husband.

“I’m fine, Bill. It’s nothing. It’s just allergies. Margene didn’t know they were so bad, and so apparently she had been cuddling the neighbour’s cat.” She threw her arms out as if to say what are you gonna do? and then clasped her hands together. “I’ll be fine,” she said matter-of-factly and gave him a quick nod. His face lit up with a smile.

“That’s good to hear.” He leaned forward and placed a kiss on the side of her mouth. “Though Nicki will be in charge of dinner tonight anyway.”

“Well, even if I’m not contagious I’m not really in shape to cook right now,” she said and turned away to blow her nose. “I’m too stuffed up to taste anything.”

“Are you well enough to make good use of our night together?”

“Bill…” she sighed. “I just took a Benadryl. You know how drowsy it makes me.”

He nodded, smiled again - though he looked a bit disappointed - and walked out. She turned back and glared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She was glad she wasn’t wearing makeup; if she had, it would have been running down her face along with the allergic tears that wouldn’t stop seeping out of her burning eyes.

“Huh-ptSChuh!”

Even her sneezes sounded exhausted. She shook her head and sneezed once more, much more violently.

“HeeeEERSSCHUH! Ugh, enough already,” she muttered and rubbed her nose through the tissue before blowing. Neither rubbing nor blowing relieved the itchiness however. She could only pray that the antihistamines would kick in fast.

She wasn’t particularly looking forward to dinner; having to sit among the entire family and display her messy self wasn’t something she enjoyed. She loved her family dearly, but when she didn’t feel well the last thing she wanted was to be around other people. Unfortunately, nobody seemed to care about her need for being miserable in private.

She pinched her nose and closed her eyes awaiting another sneeze, but it wouldn’t come. Eventually she lowered her hand, sniffed and opened her eyes again.

This is ridiculous, she thought, addressing her own body. Is it really necessary to react like this over a cat that’s not even present in the room?

“HaaESCCHHO!”

Yes, so it would seem.

Barb wiped her nose, grabbed a handful of fresh Kleenex and stuffed them into her pockets for future use, and went downstairs to join the rest of the family for dinner.

to be continued

Edited April 14, 2015 by Chanel_no5

[4000tacobells]

I haven't seen this show in so long but you've made me want to watch it again omg. I really love this and hope you write more <3

[Chanel_no5]

I haven't seen this show in so long but you've made me want to watch it again omg. I really love this and hope you write more <3

Awww thank you! I watched the first three seasons back when it aired and then I forgot about it, but oh my God am I ever back on it! I'm bursting because I have no one to talk to about it!!

So, here goes part 3. Feedback is appreciated.

***

As Bill led them through prayer, Barb had to use all her considerable willpower and then some to keep from interrupting him with a sneeze. In spite of her efforts she could not hold back the sniffling though. It wasn’t just that she had to deal with the congestion and the infuriating itchiness; her nose was also running to the point where it was actually at risk of dripping. Sitting next to Margene probably didn’t help with her reaction, but one brief peek at the other woman told her that she had showered and changed clothes. So why was it still affecting her to this point?

“Amen,” Bill finished.

“Amen,” the rest of them echoed and began passing the food around. Barb struggled with the need to sneeze and eventually pulled out a tissue from the pocket of her blazer, turned away from the table and tried the best she could to stifle the oncoming attack. Each sneeze teased and burned its way throughout her sinuses; once she got started she thought she was never going to stop. It was as if sneezing made her sneeze.

“Hehnnkk! NKTH! NntSChew!-tSChew!-ITSSCHEW!”

She took a couple of sniffly, hitching breaths before surrendering once more;

“Huhh…nkTSCHh! TSSCHew! EH-ISSCHH-iSSCHHew-ktSCHghh!”

All conversation had stopped and everyone was staring at her. She tried to catch her breath; “it’s okay, I’m fine,” she muttered in response to a few stray “bless you”s, and cleared her throat. It too felt itchy, though not quite as bad as her poor nose. She tried her best to stem the flow of liquid by blowing her nose into the already soaked tissue.

“That’s not a very polite thing to do by the dinner table,” Nicki said in a snarky voice.

“Well, it’s not like I expected to have an allergy attack when I’m on meds and there are no allergens around me,” Barb retorted, sniffling and rubbing her nose. “So pardon me for not being able to predict the future.”

“I’m just saying, you could get away from the table when you do… that,” Nicki snapped and poked at her casserole with her fork. Barb sighed and rolled her eyes. This caused a single allergic tear to trickle down her cheek but she didn’t bother wiping it off.

“That? Really Nicki? It’s called sneezing. And it‘s an involuntary action, which means I am not doing it on purpose to annoy you.”

“Knock it off both of you,” Bill groaned. “Don’t pick on Barb, she can’t help it,” he said to Nicki. Then he turned to Barb; “And Nicki is right, you could at least leave the table when you get going like that.”

Barb pushed the plate aside and stood up.

“Fine. I’m not very hungry anyway. Excuse me.”

Margene looked down at her food as Barb brushed past her, blushing fiercely. She wanted to apologise but if she did, she would get into even more trouble.

Nicki saw her inner struggle, and smiled to herself. Whenever she could cause some mischief was a good time.

***

When Bill entered the bedroom a couple of hours later, Barb was already huddled up under the covers with a box of Kleenex. A dozen used, crumpled tissues littered the bedside table.

“Honey,” he said and reached out a hand to touch her shoulder.

“Don’t,” she said and sat up. Her eyes were rimmed with red and the skin around her nose was chafed after all nose-blowing. “I’m probably going to snore tonight, so I’ll sleep on the couch.” She got up and took her pillow, blanket and the rapidly reduced amount of fresh tissues with her.

“Barb, I’m sorry Nicki was being nasty to you…” he tried. She was too exhausted to discuss with him, so she just shook her head.

“Not now. Good night,” she said and closed the door. She didn’t quite slam it shut, but not far from it. She couldn’t help it, but she always felt like she was a little bit stepped on by everyone. Once in a while she fought back, but for most part she chose just to go along to get along. She was first wife, she was the oldest of the three and the most level-headed one. If she crumbled, the family could not stand. That was her duty, to keep them together, and that meant taking Nicki’s compulsive insults and Margie’s lack of responsibility in stride.

But every once in a while she wanted to be the vulnerable one the rest would cut some slack. She curled up on the couch, pulled the blanket all the way up to her chin, and sniffed thickly before resorting to breathing through her mouth. Oh yes, oh boy, was she ever going to snore tonight!

She sighed, rolled over on her stomach and thanked the Lord that this day was over.

***

“I feel really bad for her,” Margene said as she helped Nicki carry the leftovers back to her house.

“So? It was you who took the cat in, I don’t see how you should be allowed to feel sorry. Besides, it’s really not exactly very pleasant to eat with her sneezing all over the table.”

“I didn’t know she was allergic! And she didn’t sneeze all over the table,” Margene objected. “I just couldn’t let the cat get harmed, and now I have no idea how to deal with this whole mess I‘ve caused.”

“I told you how to deal with this mess. Find a new home for the cat. And fast, because Boss Lady is bound to be suspicious if she keeps sneezing like she did this evening. Got it?”

“Yeah… poor Barb.”

“Oh brother! It’s your fault, so stop pretending you’re so sympathetic.”

Margene sighed and said nothing more on the matter. Nicki wasn’t exactly one to offer a friendly word or two. She felt much better when she was back in her own house cuddling the cat.

I really wanna keep you, she thought. Really, really.

The cat purred and curled up on a heap of clothes on the bed. Margene laid down next to it, smiling and stroking its belly with her finger.

One more day, she thought. I’ll keep you one more day before I take you to a shelter.

to be continued

[cally]

I know this is Barb-centric, but I really, really love how you've characterised Nicki! You've got her playful/troublemaker routine absolutely spot-on (and I loved her little aside double )!

I am looking forward to the next instalment and how Margene gets caught punished.

[Chanel_no5]

Loved this story, poor Barb

I can't wait to see what happens next:)

Great work, Chanel_no5:)

Thank you so much!

I know this is Barb-centric, but I really, really love how you've characterised Nicki! You've got her playful/troublemaker routine absolutely spot-on (and I loved her little aside double )!

I am looking forward to the next instalment and how Margene gets caught punished.

Hahaha, thank you lots!! I actually don't like Nicki, but her character turned out to be surprisingly fun to write. I would have had her be even nastier if I wasn't honestly feeling sorry for Barb by now.

So, part 4 comes here. Again, feedback is appreciated. And there is one more part to go.

***

The next morning, Barb definitely felt better, and decided to chalk up yesterday’s unexpected allergic outburst to Margene’s interactions with the neighbour cat. As she was making breakfast Margene came inside, carrying the new shirts she had just gotten for Bill.

“Good morning, I brought the shirts!”

“Oh, great, hang them over there and I’ll take them upstairs,” Barb said over her shoulder and turned back to the table. As she poured up juice for the kids she felt a faint tickle in the back of her nose. Oh come on, not again, she thought and put the pitcher down so she wouldn’t spill anything when the sneeze overtook her. She took a few steps away from the table, tilted her head back and gasped for air before doubling over at the waist with a huge spraying

“EIIISSSSHHHHEW!”

She straightened, hesitated for a moment as she wasn’t sure if there was another one coming, decided there wasn’t, and turned back. She sniffed lightly and rubbed her nose.

“Bless you. Are you alright?” Margene asked carefully. Barb nodded.

“Yeah.”

But her nose was burning, it was as if she hadn’t given in to the urge to sneeze at all. She fought the itch valiantly but ended up having to turn away from her sister wife and sneeze again.

“ISSCHEW!”

Ben had just entered the kitchen and sidestepped to avoid getting sprayed.

“Watch it, mom, I’ve already showered!”

“Sorry Benny.”

“Also, my name isn’t Betty,” he said and grabbed a piece of toast and stuffed it into his mouth.

“Ha, ha,” Barb replied. She then noticed that Margene looked incredibly uncomfortable. “What’s the matter?”

“What? With me? Nothing, I… was just worried about you. Yeah. That’s all. You can’t still have an allergic reaction, can you?” she asked, frowning a little.

“Quite frankly, I have no idea what’s going on,” Barb replied and pulled out another Kleenex from the now almost-empty box. “All I know is that I need more tissues and… heh-nkTSChhew! If this continues, I’m going to need more Benadryl as well.”

“I can get it for you!”

“Could you do that? Thanks.”

“Mm-hmm. Barb, I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry about this. I had no idea you were so allergic.”

“No, it’s okay, I probably should have told you earlier. I didn’t know Pam and Carl even had a cat. I didn’t feel anything when I was over at their house, which is weird.”

Margene nearly squirmed. She wasn’t a good liar at all; every time she tried to tell convincing lies she always ended up getting tangled in them.

“Umm, they just got it.”

Barb probably would have realised that Margene wasn’t telling the truth, if she hadn’t been so focused on her itchy nose. But everything not immediately related to her need to sneeze seemed unimportant at the moment. She blinked a couple of times, sniffed and then cupped her hands in front of her face just in time to catch two sneezes.

“Aa-ikkTSChh! Ah-ISSCHEW!”

She sniffed wetly and groaned. “Ugh, this is killing me! What is going on?!”

“No idea! Maybe you are coming down with a cold after all?” Margene said as she grabbed her purse. “Well, I’ll get you that Benadryl anyway. See you later, bye!”

Nicki entered just as Margene stormed out. She threw one brief glance at Barb and shook her head. “I see you’re still at it,” she said.

“For some reason, yes,” Barb replied, expecting Nicki to deliver another scathing remark, but the blonde was focused on the children.

“Come on guys, we have to get going.”

They finished up their breakfast and gathered their things. Nicki turned to Barb.

“Do you need anything?”

Barb narrowed her eyes in disbelief. It wasn’t like Nicki to be considerate.

“No, it‘s fine. Margene already offered to pick up some medicine.”

“Good. Okay, well. Feel better.”

“Thank you…?” she looked puzzled at this sudden change of attitude. Nicki nodded curtly and ushered the kids out to the car, leaving Barb alone with the chores of the day.

***

She felt fine as she cleared the table and did the dishes, but when she took Bill’s new shirts upstairs the tickle returned. She was unaware that a cat had been sleeping on them and that Margene only had brushed them off instead of washing them, but her nose wasn't fooled.

Her breathing began to hitch. She shook her head a little as if that would make the tickle go away and pressed the back of her hand against her nose.

“Heh-nnkk! Nkkth! NkTSCHh!”

She sniffed, waited, and realised to her dismay that there was even more to come.

“Heh-ikTSSHH! IiSHHIEW! Oh my g… haaISSCHH! AH-ISSCHEW! What is this about?!”

It was obviously allergies, but to what?! She couldn’t possibly still have an allergic reaction if Margene had cuddled the neighbour’s cat yesterday and then changed clothes, could she? True, she was ridiculously sensitive to cats, but that seemed far-fetched. She tried to recall if they had bought a new brand of laundry detergent or anything of that sort recently, but came up empty.

She hung up Bill’s shirts on his side of the closet and then had to pause and catch her breath. She still felt the urge to sneeze, it was as if flames of fire lapped at her nasal passages, and she rubbed her nose violently with both hands. She had no wish whatsoever to know how terrible she must look, but as she went into the bathroom to wash her face she caught a glimpse of her reflection nevertheless, and was horrified at the sight.

“Disgusting,” she muttered. She hoped Margene would be back with more Benadryl soon enough; feeling drowsy seemed like a small price to pay to be able to stop this infernal sneezing.

As if the thought had evoked her, the front door opened and closed and Margene’s voice drifted through the house;

“I’ve got your stuff!”

Barb heaved a sigh of relief, and immediately sneezed again. It came on so suddenly she had no chance to cover, and ended up spraying the mirror with a fine mist of droplets. She opened her eyes and stared at the mess for several seconds before starting to wipe it off.

Oh, this is great. Just great. Darn it.

To be continued.

[Chanel_no5]

Once again, I loved it:)

I really want to see how Barb gets through this sneezy ordeal

Great work again, Chanel_no5:)

Thank you very much!

So, this is the final part. I had way more fun writing this than I probably should, but towards the end I just wanted to hug her and apologise. I'm glad the idea is out of my head, though. I hate it when I get hooked on fandoms/characters I'm alone in being hooked on. I feel like an alien visitor on the planet. Wait, maybe I am...?

Anyway. Here goes nothing!

***

“Hey, Boss Lady, wake up!”

Barb reluctantly opened her swollen eyes, but without raising her head from the table. She was so exhausted, it seemed this simple movement was equal to climbing a mountain.

“I wasn’t sleeping,“ she said in a scratchy voice.

“Really? You‘re like a zombie,” Nicki pointed out.

“It’s the meds.”

“Then why do you take them?”

“So I won’t have to sneeze my head off. Please, Nicki…” she pleaded.

“Fine. But the pool won’t clean itself and I don’t think it’s fair that I should do everything by myself around here just because you’re a little sniffly.”

That’s the understatement of the year, Barb thought but got herself together and sat up straight. Cleaning the pool demanded less effort than a fight with Nicki anyway.

“Hah-iSSCHew!”

“I thought you said those meds kept you from sneezing.”

“They only take the edge off it, please just stop, I’m going,” Barb groaned and made her way to the door.

Nicki smiled a little to herself. Barb had completely forgotten that it was really Nicki’s turn to clean the pool.

***

Barb had found one of Margene’s necklaces at the bottom of the pool, and after finishing up, she headed over to her house and walked right on in without knocking.

“Margie, I found the necklace you lost..” she stopped dead in her tracks upon seeing the purring, shedding furball of a cat on her sister wife‘s lap. Cat hair soared in the air as Margene was petting the animal. Barb couldn’t have been more horrified, and the necklace fell out of her hand as she backed away from the scene. Her allergies, that had kept somewhat calm during the afternoon, immediately acted up as if they had only been waiting for an opportunity to do so.

“Oh my Lord… ahISSCHEW! ISSCHHEW!” she tried to give the younger woman a glare, but her eyes kept closing in anticipation of another sneeze. “AHISSCHHIOO! Outside! HehISSCHH! Now!”

Margene put the cat down, brushed the hair off her clothes and followed Barb outside. At least she had the decency to look shame-faced, Barb thought as she tried to get herself back under control but failing miserably. She kept doubling over with one violent sneeze after another, helplessly spraying her hands with each wet explosion.

“Wha-… haISSCHEW! AISSCHEW! What… AISSCHH! What’s this supposed to.. Huhhh… iSSCHEW! ISSCHEEW! HAAITSSCHHUHH! Mean?”

“Oh I’m so sorry, it’s just… it was lost and I meant to take it to a shelter, I swear I did, but…”

Barb took a shuddering breath and pinched her nose shut in a desperate attempt to hold back the vicious allergy attack, but it was to no avail. Her head bobbed forward with painful reined-in stifles until she felt dizzy. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she knew that as soon as she let go of her nose it would be dripping as well. It was disgusting yet inevitable.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to throw the cat out to fend for herself!” Margene cried out and then began to sob. If Barb hadn’t been so distracted by her own misery she would have felt sorry for the young woman’s distress, but at the moment, the only pity she could muster was self-pity.

“Sweetie, I don’t hate cats… heh-ISSCHEW! Just because I’m ahh.. hahh... allergic… IKTSCHEW! ISSCHEW! To them… hah-ikTSSCHH! KTSCHEW! I wouldn’t want it hurt,” she managed to say - the words were almost impossible to understand due to the congestion, but Margene did understand and seemed to calm down. While her nose and throat were itching something horrible, Barb had a brief respite from actually sneezing, and took advantage of it to add;

“I’ll help you find a home for it tomorrow, okay?”

She regretted this the moment she had said it, because Margene threw her arms around her in a big, impulsive hug. This close proximity to the cat hair-covered woman sent her already insane allergies into wild overdrive. Her nose was itching so much that for a moment she felt completely paralysed; unable to even sneeze.

Then she exploded with the most intense, most powerful sneezing fit she had ever experienced; each sneeze followed directly upon the next and she had no chance to take even the smallest breath between them.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Margie gasped as she took several steps backwards.

“Just go,” Barb sniffled before doubling over with another helpless sneeze attack. She was sneezing so hard for so long she could just barely get enough oxygen to keep from passing out. Margene rushed back to her house and slammed the door behind her, feeling so embarrassed and guilty she wanted to hide for the rest of her life.

When a hand touched Barb’s shoulder she would have cried out in surprise if she hadn’t been in the midst of a sneeze.

“Let’s get you inside and stuff you with Benadryl,” Nicki said as she grabbed a steady hold of Barb’s arm and rather brusquely guided her back towards her house. Barb tried to reply, but by now she was sneezing so frequently she couldn’t get a single coherent word out.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying anyway, so you might just as well save yourself the effort,” Nicki growled, but underneath her harsh demeanour she was honestly concerned. She had seen Barb tormented by allergies many times before, but never as bad as this.

Bill stared at the duo when they made their way through the kitchen. Nicki stopped just long enough to snatch several handfuls of tissues from the box on the counter and stuff them into Barb’s hands. The older woman brought the whole bunch up to her leaking face and sneezed into them over and over and over again.

“Could someone please tell me what the heck is going on?” Bill asked.

“There is a stray cat at Margene’s house. We’re finding a new home for it tomorrow,” Nicki replied.

“What? Why is there a cat at Margene’s house? Did you know about this, Nicki? Are you okay Barb, do I have to call a doctor?”

“I’m handling it, Bill,” Nicki snapped.

She firmly steered the uncontrollably sneezing first wife up the stairs and into the bathroom, where she got her out of her clothes to minimise the risk of getting cat hair and dander with her into the bedroom. Nicki, above all other things practical, Barb thought as Nicki swept her in a bathrobe and took her into the bedroom. Barb collapsed in a sitting position on the bed and kept sneezing into the tissues that were slowly falling to pieces in her hands.

Nicki swapped the soaked tissues for fresh ones and gave her the antihistamines, but for almost five minutes straight, Barb was sneezing so much she couldn’t take them. When she finally got a minute’s respite she took the pills and tried blowing her nose. It was pointless; she was simply too stuffed up.

“Do you want me to call a doctor?” Nicki asked. She spoke in a harsh, annoyed voice, but Barb could see right through her even if her vision was obscured by tears. Nicki was worried.

“I’ll be okay,” she said, carefully avoiding the word fine, which she would not be able to pronounce anyway.

“I’m gonna go and tell Bill the whole story,” Nicki said and turned to leave.

“Don’t. It’s between us. It’s a wife thing.”

“Are you sure? Because Margene should really get for this,” Nicki said.

“She’ll get hers,” Barb promised. “Oooh, my nose…!” she moaned and rubbed the body part in question with the palm of her hand so hard it hurt. Still it did nothing to relieve the itch and she burst forward with another torturous, messy fit.

“AaaISSCHEW! AaISSCHH! HaaaISSCHEW! AAAEESSCCHHIIEW!”

Nicki scowled at the pathetic sight before her, even though she felt a large amount of reluctant sympathy.

“I guess I’ll be responsible for dinner tonight as well.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me; it‘s in my own self-interest. I don’t want to eat anything you’ve been sneezing all over.” She sighed. “Just get some rest now, okay?”

Barb nodded and hid her face in her hands, trying to make her nose calm down by sheer willpower. It was going to take a long, long time before she recovered from this allergy attack, and the way she felt, it had already lasted forever.

Well. At least she finally knew what set her off so she could do something about it.

***

Epilogue:

“Come on Barb, the cat was nowhere near your basement, why do I have to clean it?” Margene whined.

“All three houses, top to bottom.” Barb did not back down on her original punishment.

The neighbours - who hadn’t had a cat - now did. And Margene had gotten the task of cleaning out all three houses to make absolutely sure there were no traces of cat hair left.

“I still think she got off too lightly,” Nicki complained as she sat down by the pool with a glass of juice. Barb raised her eyebrows.

“Wait for it,” she said and leaned back in her chair, putting on her sunglasses.

“Just what am I waiting f-…”

“HERRSSCCHOO!” A violent, screaming sneeze echoed from the basement. Barb sipped her orange juice and looked incredibly content as Margene let loose with another heavy sneeze… and another. “AEERRSCCHHO! HEESSSCCHHO!”

Nicki frowned in confusion, but Barb just smiled.

“Not all dust on those shelves is dust. By the way, I’m out of white pepper.”

“Barb…! You sneaky little…” Nicki said as a grin of admiration spread across her face. Barb chuckled as Margene sneezed again. She wasn’t usually one for petty revenge, but, well… sometimes, the occasion called for it.

The end

[cally]

That was brilliant! I really loved how Barb got Margene back.

I do hope that you decide to play with these characters again; you were absolutely spot on and I really enjoyed this!

[Chanel_no5]

Oh my gosh, I absolutely loved this:)

I mean really loved this, the characters, the allergies, the story... everything:)

Astoundingly brilliant, Chanel_no5:)

Thanks so much for posting:)

Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

That was brilliant! I really loved how Barb got Margene back.

I do hope that you decide to play with these characters again; you were absolutely spot on and I really enjoyed this!

Thank you so much! Hehe, that part was a little OOC, but Barb can be quite mean if she wants to, so...

We'll see what happens... I'm really glad you liked it, thank you!