The Fifth Sneeze (SPN)

[gingerdean]

Written for Sen Beret's prompt for tarotgal's comment fic meme: He knows from experience that this tickle is too strong to be expelled in just one or two sneezes.

The Fifth Sneeze

Sam cursed as the front left tire of the Impala slammed into a pothole, violently jarring the car and it's two weary passengers. Dammit. That fucker came out of nowhere. Cringing, Sam slowly turned his head towards his brother, who had jerked awake in the passenger seat. The expression on Dean's face went from confused to pissed in record time, as he became aware of what had just happened. Sam groaned inwardly as Dean shot Sam a deathly glare. "What the hell was that, Sam? I swear to God, if you just screwed up my car..."

Sam winced. "I'm sorry. I didn't even see it, man. The roads around here are terrible. I've dodged at least twenty other pot holes...so.. f-far...he'emmptchh!" Sam turned his head to the left and smothered a light sneeze into the bend of his arm.

"Bless you. I'm not fucking joking Sam - If you ever slam Baby into a pothole like that again, your ass will be riding shotgun for life. Or the trunk."

"Dude, I'm the one that's been driving all day so that you could sleep off your stupid hangover from last night. You're welcome, you ungrateful jerk." San rubbed hard at his tickling nose. Damn, his allergies were really screwing with him today. They were driving westbound through Tennessee, and were about an hour outside of Knoxville- one of the worst parts of the country for Sam's allergies. To make matters worse, they were just entering the peak of allergy season, and the pollen counts in the area were through the roof today.

Sam's pollen and ragweed allergies had plagued him ever since he was a kid, and he had suffered through many a hellacious, sneezy spring in his younger years. By the time he was 18, Dean had painstakingly concocted a fairly effective combination of allergy medications, which usually got Sam through the worst of allergy season. But despite his continued compliance to this regimen, the last several days had been the worst he had suffered in many years.

"hee'eeeshhhahh!" Sam rocked forward in his seat with another sneeze.

"Bless you. Now...wait, hold still..." Dean raised his hand at Sam and froze for several seconds. "Dammit, Sam, do you feel that shimmy?" Sam didn't feel a thing, but Dean threw his hands up in the air before he could answer. "Terrific. You and your stupid freaking pothole probably screwed up my suspension, you moron. Bet you fucked up my tire, too. I swear to God....."

Blah blah blah. Sam wasn't listening anymore. He was too focused on quelling the damn itch in his nose that was just not going away. Sam reached into his pants pocket, pulled out a travel pack of Kleenex, and pressed several to his face just in time to catch a third sneeze. "Heeeyeeeeshhhah!"

"Bless you. Dude, are you even listening to me?"

"Doe, dot really," Sam muttered, nose still pressed into the tissue. He blew his nose fiercly with one hand, then made the familiar mistake of massaging his nose with his thumb and forefinger in a desperate attempt to relieve the burning itch in his sinuses. As per usual, the rubbing backfired on him and elicited a particulary loud, violent sneeze. "HE'YEEEEESCHHHSHAH!"

"Bless you. That's four," Dean said warily. "Better knock that shit off, Sam."

sniff. "I'b tryig..." Well, he had been trying, but now, Sam had all but resigned himself. He could tell this was not just a run-of-the-mill, three or four-sneeze tickle he was dealing with. Sam closed his eyes for several seconds, as he waited patiently for the inevitable.

"Aw, come on Sam, don't tell me..."

Sam nodded his head, eyes still closed, as his breath started hitching wildly. "hihhih-uh. huhhUUURRSSSHHHEWW!"

And there it was: Sneeze number five. Sam and Dean glanced at each other knowingly. Dean motioned his head towards the road. "There's an exit just a mile up. We can pull over and switch seats up there."

Sam nodded, eyes narrowing and welling up with allergic tears, as his breath hitched again. "Uhh...hhTCHHSHHew!”

"Bless you."

Both Sam and Dean were extremely well aquainted with Sam's sneezing patterns during allergy season. Just one sneeze was a rare occurrence- almost never happened, in fact. Two sneezes were also rare, though slightly more common than one. Sam was usually a three-sneeze kind of guy, although occasionally, a fourth sneeze would present itself, often harsh and loud, and quickly following the third sneeze. At this point, the sneezing would subside for awhile...or at least until the next fit rolled around.

"huh..eecchhhahhh!"

"Bless you."

But when his allergies were particularly severe, the dreaded Fifth Sneeze would sometimes present itself. This was the turning point which changed the sneezing fit from a minor nuisance into an entirely different ball game. Because once the sneeze count climbed to five, it never ended at five. Or ten. Or even fifteen. Maybe twenty, if he was lucky, but not likely. A five-plus sneeze run meant that an incessant, inaccessible tickle had decided to take up an extended vacation in Sam's nose- and try as he may, there was simply nothing Sam could do to expel it. Lord knows he had tried every trick in the book in the past. Dean had also tried everything he could think of to help- from nasal sprays, to plugging his nose, to dunking his head under water- all to no avail. At least Sam's allergy medications had drastically lowered the frequency of the extended fits, but once they took hold, there was nothing to be done about it. So the boys finally resigned themselves to the fact that when Sam got like this, there was nothing to do but simply ride it out, until Sam's nose finally decided to grant him some relief.

"huh-ESSCHH-uh!”

"G'bless you."

Sam snapped on the blinker and pulled to the side of the road. Dean jumped out of the car and into the drivers side, while Sam slid into the passenger seat, one hand clamped around his face. "hi-uh-IIIIISHHHHuh!"

"Blessya." Dean reached under the passenger seat, pulled out a box of tissues, and tossed them into Sam's lap. Sam gratefully pulled several out, and wiped the tears off his streaming face, all the while gearing up for another sneeze.

"hi- TICHSSHHuh!"

"Gesundheit."

Sam rolled his eyes. Dean had a mildly annoying habit of blessing Sam every time he sneezed. When Sam started up one of his marathon sessions, however, the blessing compulsion would eventually fizzle out - usually after Dean had blessed Sam in every which way he could come up with.

"heh-kkksssshew!"

"Danke."

Sam gave Dean a puzzled look. "Whad? That beans 'thagk you', you idiot."

"Oh." Dean frowned, then shrugged. "Whatever, dude."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twenty-five mintes later, Sam was still sneezing, and Dean was starting to become concerned. This was certainly turning into one of Sam's longer fits, and there was still no sign of relief for the younger Winchester.

Finally, a longer-than-usual window of silence filled the car. Dean glanced over at Sam hopefully. "You done?"

Sam scrubbed hard at his nose and sniffed experimentally. Maybe he was...Wait. Nope. There it was, that damn tickle flaring up again, still mercilessly lodged in his sinus. That fucker wasn't going anywhere just yet. In answer to Dean inquiry, Sam threw his head back, gasped and convulsively sneezed an explosive double into both hands. "hrreeEEESCHSSHAH-EEESHHHAH!"

Dean looked at him quizzically. "Are you serious? You've gotta be almost done, right? You've been at this for half an hour!"

Sam shook his head miserably. "Dod't think so. It...just...hogeez...he--ESHHH'uhhh!" sniff. "Ugh. It just won't fuckig stop."

Dean winced and shook his head. "Shit. Did you take your medicine today?"

Sam nodded. "Id's just the polled counts are so damb high. It... It's dot..hah-IISHHHHHU'eee!"

Sam had put a strange emphasis on the 'eee' at the end of that one, which Dean would have found comical under normal circumstances. He scratched his head. "Dude, I know the pollen counts are high and all, but....Jeez, Sam. It really shouldn't be this bad with your usual allergy cocktail. I hope this shit isn't getting worse."

Sam shrugged his shoulders and shook his head, gasping helplessly. God, was he exhausted. The damn sneezing was really getting old right now. "Heee'eeetchchah!"

Dean drummed his hands on the steering wheel nervously and shook his head, sighing. Sam gave him a crooked smile and elbowed him playfully. "Gnock it off. I'b just sdn...hii....sdneezing. I'b dot dyig, dude. It'll st...stop. hhHHUREEESHHHHEW!"

Dean remained dutily focused on his own perceived severity of the situation. "There's got to be some other medicine we haven't tried yet. Or something new on the market...I'm sorry Sam. I'll figure something out."

Sam looked at Dean incredulously. "Sorry...for whad? Idt's dot like you're baking me sdneze, dude." Sheesh. Dean's self-blaming tendances really did know no bounds.

Dean snorted in amusement in spite of himself. "Dude, I know. It's just... I hate seeing you get like this, Sammy. You just look so miserable...It's fucking pitiful." Dean slapped Sam's leg. "We'll get this shit under control again. Maybe find you an allergist. Dad should've done that a long time ago.... What is it?"

Sam had an odd frown on his face, appearing to be in deep thought. Then suddenly, then his face brightened. "Hey. I think I'b done!"

Dean sighed. "Sheesh. It's about time, ya freak." Dean snapped on the radio dial and started humming along to the music.

After a few minutes of Sam blowing his nose, wiping his eyes and attempting to make himself feel like a normal human being again, Dean reached over and violently slugged his shoulder.

Sam jerked back and grabbed his shoulder in pain. "Ow! What the hell was that for?"

"I just put brand new rims on this car, Sam. Brand. New. Rims. Oh, I swear to God, if you bent my goddamn rims because you can't watch where the hell you're going..."

The end

Edited March 17, 2018 by gingerdean
I saw that this story was bumped, so I thought I'd enlarge the text size so you don't have to strain to read it!

[Pyrus_Fangmon]

O_O

This was incredible! Very nicely done and oh so perfectly written!

[HPG]

Half an hour of Sam sneezing non-stop??? That sounds pretty heavenly!

[Skyler]

This was brilliant! I love the way Dean waits until Sam is all done before he carries on having a go at him

[RipleyToo]

This. is. awesome! Great job!!

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

***screams*** Oh my GOD that was AMAZING. Dude! The way you captured their character-voices was AWESOME. I usually don't click on fanfic bc it's really rare that someone get the characters to sound actually like the characters like in the dialogue and mannerisms but you NAILED IT. This may be bias bc i'm a huge fan of the show, i'm a superfan, (and a secondarily a Sam Girl ((primarily a Gabe Girl but i digress)) ) but that was one of the best fanfics I've read on here in quite some while. Wow wow man, congrats on this fic, and thank you so very much for sharing! I'm so glad I clicked this one, it was the catchy title. Nothing like a catchy title. Anyway, thank you!!

Edited October 29, 2014 by _Amy_

[Anilkex]

How did I miss this? Did I miss this? Did I comment on the meme? I'm slightly alarmed at not knowing the answer, and slightly embarrassed that I'm not checking the meme before just outing myself.

ANYWAY.

I love your writing style, a lot. I love this ficlet, a lot.

Brand. New. Rims.

Loved. That. Part.

[gingerdean]

fang815, HarryPotterGeek, SkylerSneeze, MLPLover- Thank you so much for the comments! Glad you liked it!

Half an hour of Sam sneezing non-stop??? That sounds pretty heavenly!

yes yes, I agree!

_Amy_ -Wow, thank you so much! Your comment gave me all sorts of warm fuzzies I'm really glad you liked it!

Anilkex- haha, no worries, I lose track myself. So many awesome fics to sift through on that meme.

I love your writing style, a lot. I love this ficlet, a lot.

Thank you! Coming from someone who is one of my favorite fic writers, that means a lot to me.

[Sawyer]

Oh my god. I already left a long comment for this on this on the meme Way Back When, because it's one of my favorites. You got EVERYTHING RIGHT, dude, and I admire and adore your work so so much and I'm so happy to see this particular piece getting bumped up on the forum because I think everyone needs to see it since it's so GOOD. Anyway, thank you thank you again for writing this. You're the best.

[Serendipity]

This was written so perfectly! Sam, and especially Dean, were written as though this writing came right from the script. So good!

[Coffee Mug]

I just can’t get enough of this! This is perfection!! 

[starpollen]

Mmmm 

[sneezy_frnk]

Very much adorable! Thank you for writing it!!!

[shrinkwrap]

I know it’s been a while, but I’ve only just made an account so I have to let you know.. this is my absolute favorite SPN fic. The one I keep coming back to!!