Not Okay (SPN, sick!Sammy, H/C)

[Sophie<3]

Hello! *waves happily*

For the first time ever, I felt like writing a really angsty fic, so I got started on this one, but wasn't sure whether it was any good. Then, however, I got some encouragement from the lovely MaiMai, ( ) and finished it. I hope you guys like it! Tell me what you think please! Thanks! <3

Summary: During Season 1, Sam seemed to be handling Jess's death pretty well, right? What if he was only pretending, though? Trying to pull himself together, so that Dean wouldn't have to worry?

In this story, Sam's sick and also a mess on the inside. Dean has no idea and takes him to a bar. Then, things get out of hand.

A/N: It's only a oneshot, but it's a little longer. I decided against splitting it into parts, though, so you can just read it all at once.

Not Okay

“HuhYEEShhhaah!”

Sam caught the wet sneeze with his hands, then sniffled and reached across the bed for a tissue.

“Bless you”, Dean said automatically, without even looking up from the duffel bag he was unpacking.

“Thanks”, Sam said and held the tissue over his nose before blowing wetly. It only helped with the congestion a little bit and after he was done, Sam threw the soaked tissue into the garbage can next to his bed with a groan.

Now Dean looked up. “You alright?”

“Sure”, Sam replied tonelessly.

Dean frowned, refusing to take his eyes off his younger brother. “Stop.”

“Stop what?”, Sam asked, while wiping his nose, which had suddenly started to run, with the back of his hand.

“Stop saying you're fine when you're not. I'm your brother, so knock it off, okay?”

Sam smiled a tiny smile and nodded. “Okay. Sorry.”

Dean returned the tiny smile, but only for a second. Then, he asked in a serious tone: “How are you feeling, Sammy?”

“Oh, you know...”, Sam said, then trailed off when his breath hitched unexpectedly. He held up one hand to indicate that Dean would have to hang on and the older Winchester just sighed and rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

“Huh...” Sam took a shaky breath and helplessly waited for relief that seemed out of reach.

“Get on with it already”, Dean commented, unable to stop the corners of his mouth from twitching.

“It's not... fuhh... fuh...”, Sam tried to protest.

“Not funny?” Dean chuckled. “I think it's hysterical.”

“Huh...AHSHh'ooOO!” Finally, Sam sneezed freely. The first sneeze came out strong, but not strong enough to fully relief the tickle in the back of his nose. “Huh'IEEShh'eew! Huh'ASHH'uh!””

Dean grinned. “Bless you. There you go, man.”

Sam sniffled and reached for another tissue with a sigh. “Thaggs.”

“You were saying?” Dean casually went back to sorting some off their clothes into the wardrobe.

After blowing his nose again, Sam frowned, feeling confused. “What...?”

“I asked how you were feeling. Then, we were interrupted by that small fit of yours.”

“Oh, right, sorry. I'm feeling... stuffed-up. Sneezy. Besides that, no need to worry. It's not the black death, Dean.”

“Well, that's something, I guess.” Dean flashed him another smile while taking the last shepherd's plaid shirt out of the bag.

Sam only sniffled in response.

“So”, Dean started, while pushing the now empty bag under one of the beds, the one that Sam wasn't lying on. “Are you still tired?”

Sam considered this for a moment, then shook his head. “No, I'm good.”

“Good. I would've been worried otherwise. You slept for, like, six hours straight in the car.”

Sam blushed a little. He'd woken up with this cold in the morning and basically passed out in the car once they'd hit the road, even though falling asleep with a stuffy nose had been challenging at first. Eventually, exhaustion had taken over his body, though, and then, when he had opened his eyes again, suddenly they'd been in North Dakota.

Even after all these hours of deep sleep, though, he still felt worn-out and his body told him to stay inside this motel room, on this bed, preferably under the covers, for Christ's sake. But Sam knew that he probably wasn't going to be able to fall asleep with his nose so stuffed up and this nagging headache and there was no point in going to bed early only to stare at a dirty ceiling for hours. It would just give him time to think and that was exactly what he didn't need.

Working cases helped him shut out the images, the thoughts. Ever since Dean had taken him on this never-ending roadtrip, he'd hated the quiet times the most. Fighting, risking his life, being in physical pain... it was nothing compared to just sitting somewhere alone, thinking about the life he'd lost. The girl he'd lost.

“Okay, you feel up to going out tonight, then?”, Dean asked. “We could go to a bar or something. Only if you're well enough, of course.”

“Yeah, I'm okay.”

“Alright, great. It's too late to interview anybody anyway. So what do you say?”

Sam took a deep breath, grabbed some tissues and stuffed them into his pocket, then looked up at his brother and forced a smile. “Let's go to a bar.”

“That a boy”, Dean said and ruffled through his hair as he passed him on his way to the door.

In the car, Sam shivered a little and zipped up his jacket. Without a comment, Dean, who must have noticed from the corner of his eye, leaned forward to turn up the heat.

“Thanks”, Sam said, sniffling again.

“Sure.”

“So... um... what bar are we going to?”, Sam asked, while taking out one of the tissues he had stuffed in his jeans pocket before, and using it to wipe his nose. The heat was nice, but changes in temperature always made his nose runny, especially when he had a cold.

“I saw one on the way to the motel that looked alright. It should be fun. Take our mind off of things for a couple hours.”

With things, of course, he only meant one thing. Finding dad. The only thing Dean ever thought about these days. What is it with this family always hunting after one thing to the point where it becomes an unhealthy obsession, Sam thought grimly.

Of course, Sam wanted to find his father, too. They hadn't exactly parted in peace and Sam wanted to make things right. But John sure as hell wasn't the only thing on his mind.

Jess. The images kept popping up before his mind's eye, randomly and overwhelmingly clear. Jess in the library, studying. Pushing back a strand of blonde hair absent-mindedly. Jess at Starbucks, talking to him, laughing, reaching out just to touch his shoulder, gently.

Dean had no idea how much he still missed her. Sam kept it to himself, thinking it would kill Dean to know that his younger brother was in so much pain and there was nothing he could do about it. No, he only came to Dean with things he could fix. Dead girlfriends were a whole different story.

“Hey”, Dean said and Sam was thankful for the distraction. He knew that this particular train of thought wasn't leading anywhere. Well, not anywhere good.

“Yeah?”

Dean looked at him, with his head cocked to the side a little and the trace of a smile on his face. “I'm glad you're coming with me, Sam. All those years at school, did you even have any fun? Like, ever?”

Fun? Oh God, yes. Jess and him at a party, sitting out on the balcony, drinking beer and chatting. Jess and him, listening to music together. Jess and him at the park, enjoying a picnic.

The wave of images hit him in the face like a blast and he had to turn his head to the window, feeling dizzy all of a sudden.

“I mean, it's college, everyone has fun there, right? But you Stanford boys...”, Dean continued, eyes on the road. “Did you even ever... you know, get wasted? Really wasted, I mean?”

“Dean.”

He felt way too exhausted for this kind of conversation.Talking about anything other than the family business was rough these days, draining him of the last bit of energy he had conserved.

“Okay, okay”, Dean put up one hand. “I get it! You're not ready to share your wild college

adventures with me, no problem!”

“Thanks.”

“Sure.” Dean turned to the side to hide his grin, and under his breath he mumbled: “I'll get you drunk enough eventually. Then you'll talk.”

Sam didn't get a chance to retort. The vicious tickle in his nose was back, his breath was hitching again. “Huh... uhhh... HeeYEET'chhioo! ISHHH'iiOoOo!”

“Bless you!” Dean looked at him inquisitively. “You sure you're feeling alright? Sam?”

Sam nodded his head slowly. He felt like his brain had gone on autopilot. He was talking, functioning, but in his head, he was screaming, clutching at the hole that Jess had left somewhere between his heart and his stomach.

When he talked, his voice sounded completely normal, apart from the congestion. He'd gotten so good at this. “I feel fine, Dean. It's just a cold, remember? Nothing major. I can handle it.”

“Alright”, Dean nodded. “But if you get worse, you come to me right away, okay? I swear, if you come to me and say you want to drive back to the motel, go to bed, I'll ditch any girl on the spot, no matter how hot she is.”

Girl. If only Dean could stop using that word.

Despite the wish to let his body drop out of the moving car instantly, Sam managed a smile.

“Thanks, man. I appreciate that.”

They reached the bar a few minutes later.

“There we are”, Dean said, then looked at his brother. “You ready to have some fun, Sammy?”

Sam nodded and sniffled again. “I guess.”

“Come on!” Dean nudged him playfully. “Show me some excitement, man!”

Sam forced a smile. He felt dead inside. “Yay!”

Dean frowned a little (maybe Sam's fake excitement hadn't been too convincing) but apparently decided to let it go. “Alright, let's go, dude”, he said and got out of the car.

Sam got out on his side and shivered when the cold night air hit him. He turned up the collar of his jacket and wrapped his arms around his body. Again, the change in temperature caused his nose to run. While stepping through the door and into the bar behind Dean, he quickly searched for a tissue, wiped his nose first and then blew it gently.

The air inside the bar was stuffy and thick with smoke, which caused Sam to cough. Dean looked back over his shoulder, but Sam quickly croaked: “Just the smoke...!”

The cough got worse, though, so he had to stop for a moment, doubled over, near the entrance. Dean stopped, waited and took hold of his arm when it was over, leading him to a place near an open window, where the air wasn't as heavy with smoke.

“You okay?”, he inquired and Sam just nodded. “Fine.”

Dean was still staring at him, so Sam growled “Fine!” with more emphasis and Dean finally relaxed.

“Alright. You want a drink?”

Sam sat down on one of the stools, feeling exhausted. “Sure. Get me a beer?”

Dean nodded. “Alright, I'll be back in a second.”

He started casually strolling over to the bartender, one hand in his pocket, checking out girls on the way. He smiled at some and they smiled back. Watching this scene made Sam feel nauseous.

Not that Dean hadn't always been like this, not that it bothered him, but ever since Jess... Jess.

Every interaction between Dean and any girl, especially if they were blonde, made him remember the way Jess and him had first met, at a party, smiling at each other across the room before anybody even bothered to introduce them to each other. There had been that energy. They'd both felt it and talked about it months later. They'd made eye contact and immediately he'd known that she was the one he wanted. He'd discovered later that the feeling had been mutual.

Dean could meet a girl that was right for him any day. Of course, he wasn't really the commitment type of guy, but who knew, maybe if he met the right girl... Still at Stanford, news like this would have made Sam really happy. He'd always thought that it would be good for Dean to really care about a girl for once and put some effort into make the relationship work for more than a few weeks. But now... If Dean actually met anybody, Sam didn't know what he would do. The hole inside of him would probably fill with hot, stinging lava.

He averted his eyes, biting his lip to distract himself from the painful thoughts. That was all he had these days: distraction. Healing seemed off the cards.

It was only now that Sam noticed some strange decorations on the walls and tables surrounding him. There seemed to be pink hearts and glitter everywhere. They all appeared really shiny and new, like they'd only been put up a few hours ago, and they were really out of place in this shady bar.

Dean finally returned, not before winking at a pretty blonde girl that was sitting next to a skinny brunette at one of the tables.

“Deeed”, Sam started, then sniffled to clear his sinuses. “Dean. What is this place?”

Dean put his beer down in front of him. “What do you mean? It's a bar.”

“I'm aware. But it's full of... hearts and shit.”

Dean started looking around and shrugged. “Oh, yeah. I guess it's Valentine's Day or something?”

Sam closed his eyes for a moment. Valentine's Day. Hit after hit after hit. This was way more than he could take.

The autopilot took over again, though, and he said: “Oh, right. That must be it. The decorations are still ugly, though.”

“Oh, well”, Dean shrugged again. “As long as the chicks like it.” He grinned. “All the single ladies here are gonna be real desperate tonight, Sammy. You might actually have a shot at this.”

“Shut up”, Sam whispered, leaving the autopilot no time to come up with a more normal response.

“I'm just saying...”

“No, don't say it.”

“Well, aren't you a charming companion tonight”, Dean replied, his voice laced with sarcasm.

Sam's brain seemed to finally change into the right gear, the autopilot in his brain recovered and took over the steering wheel once again, first of all forcing Sam's lips to form an apologetic smile.

“Sorry, Dean. Didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just... you know... I'm a little sick and that makes me grumpy. And I feel all gross, so I'm not in the mood for girls.”

That was a plausible explanation, right?

“What, because of your cold?”, Dean asked. “Don't worry, man. Chicks don't care. Just tell her about the stuff we do, take out your badge if she doesn't believe you, it's simple, really. And if she wants to mother you, let her, and you'll still get it on eventually.”

“Okay... Thanks for the advice, I guess”, Sam said, laughing a fake little laugh and quickly taking a sip of his drink. Why had he asked for beer. He wanted something a lot stronger suddenly to numb his body and mind.

Dean grinned at him and took a sip of his long drink. Then, he leaned his head to the left, looking lost in thought. Normally, Sam would have asked what he was thinking about, but right now he couldn't really get himself to care. Valentine's Day. Damn.

Dean told him anyway. “You know, sometimes I wish I could've gone to college. Not to study, of course. God, no. We both know that's your thing, not mine. But the parties... and spring break...”

Sam tried to tune out his brother's voice. His nose was runny again, but when he sniffled, it caused an annoying tickle in his right nostril. He quickly brought up his elbow to cover his nose and mouth, as the forceful sneezes threw his body forward.

“Huh'AKKSH'ooOoO! Heh'ISHH'ioOoo! Ashhh'IEOOO!”

Dean interrupted his monologue for a second to bless him briefly, then went back to his vivid daydream about the perks of going to college, namely parties and hot girls.

Sam could tell that something was wrong with him. The sneezing and runny nose and sore throat could all be attributed to his cold, but there was more. His entire body felt heavy and there was a strange tingling sensation in his hands. Also, whenever he moved his head to one side too quickly, he got really dizzy. Additionally, his head felt so heavy that he was having trouble holding it up.

Dean was still rambling about Freshmen girls, when Sam's head dropped forward a little bit and immediately the rest of his body was in danger of following, so Sam quickly grabbed the table in front of him with both hands to keep himself from crashing into Dean. It was a close call.

“Dude!”, Dean stared at him. “What the hell was that? Are you okay?”

“Um...” The room was still spinning. And his head was still pounding. “Yeah. Good”, he managed to mumble.

Dean scrutinized him, frowning. “You didn't even finish your beer. How can you be drunk?”

“I... Huh'EShh'ooOO! I dod't kdow...”, Sam groaned, then pulled out one of his tissues to blow his nose.

Dean watched the whole thing closely. “Is this because of your cold? How are you feeling?”

Sam just shook his head tiredly. “Don't worry. I'll be fine...”

Suddenly very cold again, he pulled the jacket closer around himself. He hadn't even bothered to take it off in the first place, which he was thankful for now.

“Hey, man”, Dean just wouldn't let it go. “You promised to tell me if you get worse.”

“Yeah... so?”

“So?! You just almost face planted on that table! Is there anything you wanna tell me, Sam?”

“Just got a little dizzy...”, he mumbled without looking at his brother.

“Okay, no more beer for you”, Dean said and reached out to pull the beer out of Sam's reach.

“Hey, that's my dri...”, Sam started, but stopped when Dean finished the beer in one big gulp.

“But I'm thirsty”, protested Sam, who wanted to soothe his sore throat with something and also still felt the strong urge to knock himself out tonight, while eying Dean's drink.

“Oh, don't even think about it!”, Dean scolded him, quickly grabbing the glass and also taking it out of the younger Winchester's reach. “Tea's the only thing you're allowed to drink tonight. Tea and water.”

“Why?”, asked the voice of a girl that showed up behind Dean suddenly. Sam lifted his heavy head to look at her. It was the blonde that Dean had winked at earlier. Next to her stood the brunette girl and smiled at Sam. He looked down at his hands and blushed automatically.

“Why isn't he allowed anything but tea and water?”, the girl specified her question.

“Um... because he's my younger brother and he mysteriously managed to get wasted with only half a beer, so now it's no more alcohol for him.”

The blonde giggled and looked at Sam, then back at Dean. “You two are brothers?”

Dean nodded and flashed the girl a smile. “That we are. Sam and Dean Winchester.”

She started playing with a strand of her hair while giving Dean a look through long eyelashes. “Mind if we join you?”, she purred.

“I'd mind if you didn't join us”, Dean said, lowering his voice to make it sound husky and deep.

This, Sam supposed, was how you had to sound if you wanted some nice female company for the night. Not that he had any interest in anything like that, though.

Nevertheless, the brunette sat down next to him, while the blonde scooched over to Dean.

“Hi, Sam”, she said, smiling sweetly. He averted his eyes. He couldn't a take a smile like that, not tonight, or to be honest, not at any time.

“I'm Breanna, but you can call me Bree.”

He nodded, sniffled. “Sam.”

“I already know your name!”, she giggled.

This conversation wasn't leading anywhere and Sam wasn't making an effort to save it. She seemed to like him, maybe she was planning on getting close to him, and he couldn't let that happen. The last girl who had gotten close to him had ended up burning on the ceiling. He was done with girls.

“So, how are you doing, Sam?”

“Fine”, he mumbled without looking at her. Dean and the blonde girl where laughing about something. Now, Dean was touching her shoulder.

Sam still didn't want to look at Breanna and she seemed disappointed, but was apparently determined to get him interested in her and involve him in a conversation. “Cally”, she pointed over to the blonde, “and I are here visiting a friend. What are you doing in town?”

“Working a job”, Sam mumbled, then turned away to wipe his runny nose with the back of his hand.

“What kind of a job?”, Breanna inquired.

Sam's brain was too tired and foggy to come up with a proper response. 'Demon activity' was the only phrase on his mind, but obviously, he wasn't going to say that out loud, so he lamely settled for: “Just a job...”

Breanna giggled insecurely. “That sound... mysterious.”

“It's not.” He didn't want to be rude, but he'd much rather be on his own. The last thing he was in the mood for was flirting.

“Okay?”, she said, a bit taken aback. For a while, neither of them said a word. She seemed to be searching for something else to talk about, while Sam only thought about how to get rid of her without hurting her feelings.

“Hey”, she said now. “Sam. Tell me, why are you all alone on Valetine's Day? Without a date, I mean?”

She was trying to be nice, trying to compliment him, he could tell, and still it didn't help. He choked on his words, faked a cough to save a little time, but then the cough turned into a real fit quickly, which he hadn't planned on. There he was, doubling over helplessly and letting out those chesty, painful coughs. Breanna looked at Dean helplessly, but the other Winchester was so focused on Cally that he barely even noticed what was happening at the other side of the table.

Then, Breanna reached out and started rubbing gentle circles on Sam's back.

Slowly, the cough subsided.

“Sam!”, Breanna whispered. “Are you okay?”

“I'm good”, Sam responded throatily. He also shot Dean a quick look, but his brother was looking deep into Cally's eyes and was apparently completely oblivious to his surroundings.

“You don't sound good”, Breanna insisted, worried.

It was too much. The images rolled in like the tide. The last time he'd been sick, Jess had looked at him the exact same way. “Come here, Sam”. Jess placing a hand on his forehead gently, frowning. “You feel warm, sweetie! Are you sure you're fine? I think you should rest now. I'll make you soup, okay? How's your throat?” Jess placing a kiss on his forehead after gently pushing the sweaty strands of his hair aside.

“Sam.” There was a hand on his arm suddenly. For a crazy second, he thought it was Jess. Then, he looked up. Brown hair, dark eyes. Definitely not Jess. This other girl, in the bar. Slowly, everything came back to him, even her name. Breanna. Bree.

“Bree”, he said, thankful that he had remembered. “I'm okay. Please. Don't worry.”

She smiled, then took her hand away, but not before squeezing his arm once. “If you say so.”

Sam nodded and she seemed to relax. Then, she started telling him some boring story about the guy that she was visiting, some cousin of Cally's.

Sam felt too tired to listen. His throat was sore, he'd really appreciate something to drink, but Dean wouldn't let him have even a tiny sip of the long drink and he didn't feel strong enough to get up and order a new drink at the moment. Whenever he moved his head, the room started spinning again. He was really dizzy.

The girl was still talking. Why couldn't people just leave him alone? All he wanted was to curl up embryo style and cry himself to sleep, because it was Valentine's Day and the only person he wanted to spend this day with was a pile of ash in a casket.

When his nose felt itchy again, he was on his way to take out a tissue, but didn't make it in time. His head bobbed forward helplessly and he could feel his abdominals flex, as he buried his nose in the crook of his elbow. “Huh'YII'shhOoOO! Heh'ITTSH'iieeww! IKK'SHHhh'iiOO!”

Breanna was watching him wide-eyed. “Oh, my God! Bless you!”

But Sam wasn't done yet. He took a few shaky breaths, tried to get the itch under control, but failed. “He'IShh'ahh! Hahh... hah... Hah'Ishh'oooOO! Akshhh'IIIuuhh!”

“Bless you!”, Breanna repeated sweetly. It was too much. She was too nice. He couldn't take this.

No. She was reaching out now, gently placing a hand on his forehead. Just like Jess.

No. Her eyes widened with worry, she pressed her lips together. No, she was saying his name, gently, sweetly. “Sam. I think you have a fever. You're, like, burning up.”

Jess telling him he felt too warm. Jess carefully placing a cold washcloth on his forehead, gently caressing his cheek with the back of her hand. Jess whispering that she would take care of him, that he would be fine.

“I... I need to g-go...”, he stuttered and got up, swaying immediately.

“Wait! Sam!”, Breanna called after him, so he quickly stumbled away from her, towards the men's restroom. He almost tripped as he opened the door and hurried inside, panting now, head pounding.

It was like that girl, Breanna, had reached right into that hole he felt inside of him and torn at it, so that now blood came pouring out. Sam was breathing heavily, sniffling every once in a while. The walls were shaking and moving in on him. He was shivering and he felt cold, so goddamn cold.

Shakily, he walked towards one of the stalls, but before he even reached it, his legs gave in like jello and he let his body slide down on one of the walls.

He was shaking and panting and suddenly sneezing again, freely now, because he didn't have the energy or will to cover anymore. “Huh'ESHh'ooh! ISHH'ioOO!”

And damn it, he was crying now, too. Tears and snot were running down his face, but he couldn't get himself to wipe it away. His teeth started chattering. He let out these desperate sobs, while clutching at his body and slowly starting to rock back and forth in a pathetic attempt to feel better.

“Huh'ISshh! Hah'ISHH'uuuhhh!” The sneezes wouldn't stop from coming and neither would the tears. Or the images before his mind's eye.

Jess handing him tissues. Jess feeding him soup. Jess leaning down. “No, don't kiss me. I'll get you sick.” Jess playfully placing two fingers on her own lips, kissing them, then putting them on his. “There. That's okay, right?” Jess saying the words: I love you. I really love you, Sam.”

Jess. Screaming in agony. Burning on the ceiling.

“Make it stop!”, he cried. The words tore at his already strained vocal cords, but he didn't care about anything anymore. Physical pain was nothing compared to the unborn scream inside his chest that took up so much space, it was making it hard for his lungs to breathe and for his heart to pump blood.

“Make it stop, make it stop...! Jess... Jess, Jess, Jess, JessJessJessJess...”

The chain of words became endless, only interrupted occasionally by a sneeze or a cough. “Jess... JessJessJessJess... Je... Jehh... Huh'IShh!! Jess...JessJessJess...!”

The wish to end it all, to opt out of this miserable existence, had never been so strong. “Make it stop, make it stop... make it... Huh'Ewshhh'ahh! Make it... stop... makeitstop... makeitstop...”

He wanted to close his eyes and never open them again. And then, suddenly, there was somebody right next to him.

“Sam! Sammy! What happened?!”

It was Dean. Of course it was.

“I... Huh'Eshhh!”

“Sammy...”, Dean said gently. “C'mere. Let me feel that.”

Quickly, before Sam could evade it, Dean had placed a hand on his forehead.

“Too warbb...?”, Sam asked miserably.

“Yes”, Dean nodded, pressing his lips together. “Definitely too warm.”

“I'b sorry... I shoudd't have... I dod't know what's happedigg...”, Sam whispered hoarsely and with little coherence. Tears were still running down his face, clouding his vision.

“Sh”, Dean made. “It's okay, Sammy. I'm here now. Let's get you into bed. Let's just get you into bed.”

Sam obeyed every command from Dean. Try to calm down. Take a deep breath. Sh, it's okay. Try to stand. Here, just lean on me. Good. Very good. Now just let me help you to the car. It's alright.

He did it all exactly the way Dean told him to, too tired to disobey, too tired to think or even feel.

He sneezed on Dean's shoulder a few times, but his brother didn't seem to mind.

“Bless y', Sammy”, was all he said. And: “That's some bad cold you caught yourself. I shouldn't have brought you here.”

Later, Sam couldn't recall seeing the girls again. Apparently, Dean had taken care of the situation somehow before following him into the bathroom.

He almost felt bad for the girl now. Bree. She'd been so sweet to him.

On the way to the motel, he was only half-conscious. One second he was in the Impala, the next he was back at Stanford. He felt cold, but was sweating at the same time.

He kept coughing and sneezing, only to let his body drop deeper into the seat when it was over, all drained and exhausted.

Dean helped him out of the car and into the motel room. Dean helped him out of his clothes and under the covers. Dean finally brought him a glass of water and supported his head with one head as he took tiny sips, still sobbing uncontrollably.

Dean stayed right by his side, comforting him, until he drifted off to sleep.

Sam awoke a few hours later to a horrible coughing fit. It felt like he was going to throw up his lungs. He couldn't catch his breath.

Then, there was a comforting hand on his back.

“Shhh, easy, Sammy.”

He was still coughing, but it was getting better now. He sniffled, then cleared his throat. “Dean?”

“Yeah, it's me. I'm right here. Want some more water?”

He nodded and Dean, who had apparently stayed by his side the entire time, held the glass to his lips again. The cold water ran down his sore throat, which felt nice, so he whispered a hoarse: “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

They sat in silence for a while and Sam remembered everything that had happened. He felt himself tear up again and there was nothing he could do except pull the blanket up to his chin and hide his face on the pillow.

Dean wasn't going to leave any time soon, though, and of course he could feel his brother's body move sporadically as the sobbing started again.

“Sammy”, he whispered. “What's wrong?”

Sam sniffled wetly. “It's just... from the fever...”

“No, it's not”, Dean said firmly. “There is something you've been hiding from me. The fever is just making it harder for you to keep up the pretense.”

He was squeezing his shoulder now, gently but firmly. “Tell me, Sam. I'm your brother. You can tell me anything. Did anybody hurt you? Why are you crying like this?”

Sam lifted his head and looked at Dean through streaming eyes. Then, he took a shaky breath and decided that it was time to open up. He couldn't do this on his own anymore. He needed Dean to be there for him. So, he whispered only one word: “Jess!”

THE END

[MaiMai]

Ohh I'm so glad you decided to post this! I really love it (and now I can quote parts of it! xD)

“Huh...” Sam took a shaky breath and helplessly waited for relief that seemed out of reach.

“Get on with it already”, Dean commented, unable to stop the corners of his mouth from twitching.

“It's not... fuhh... fuh...”, Sam tried to protest.

“Not funny?” Dean chuckled. “I think it's hysterical.”

“Huh...AHSHh'ooOO!” Finally, Sam sneezed freely. The first sneeze came out strong, but not strong enough to fully relief the tickle in the back of his nose. “Huh'IEEShh'eew! Huh'ASHH'uh!””

Okay, that whole section? Pretty much killed me. So much so that I'm actually having difficulty typing this. And Dean's response of: 'Not funny? I think it's hysterical.'

No, he only came to Dean with things he could fix. Dead girlfriends were a whole different story.

Awwww. That line pretty much broke me.

“I'll get you drunk enough eventually. Then you'll talk.”

That's just so completely Dean.

“Well, aren't you a charming companion tonight”, Dean replied, his voice laced with sarcasm.

PFFT. I love the way you write Dean's dialogue!

“Make it stop, make it stop...! Jess... Jess, Jess, Jess, JessJessJessJess...”

AWWW SAM! I just want to hug him!!!

And those flashbacks that you wrote in? They were so great! Like I said before, you didn't overdo the angsty-ness (is that a word? ) and I really liked that. I don't know if they're out there and I've just missed them, but I haven't come across many fics around here that are set during this particular period (like, just after Jess' death), so it's really nice to read one!

[Pyrus_Fangmon]

OMG...my heart strings have never been pulled so tightly.

Sammy! The poor hunter. That was absolute torture...

Beautifully written! Well done.

[Sawyer]

Sooo, oh my god, I'm at work right now and using a work computer and had this weird urge to check the forum (in incognito mode, of course...) and I am SO SOOOO glad that I did!!! This is amazing!! I'm going to make you a list, dude, there are so many things that I loved. This was INCREDIBLE.

• Season one boys!! That's my favorite. They were the cutest ever in this season, and I love this dynamic the most honestly. You captured it so well, too!! The dialogue is very casual and at the same time very sincere... it's all very, very in character. Seriously, in every single line I could hear their voices perfectly -- just like watching an episode.
  
• Love how Dean blesses Sam every single time. I think everyone knows by now that I have such a thing for that.
  
• AND how he keeps referring to Sam's cold and I don't know, the phrasing and everything... aw I just really like that.
  
• Sam waking up with a cold and sleeping in the car and STILL being tired!
  
• All of the talk of Stanford and partying, oh my god, love you Dean.
  
• I've been in such a mood for alcohol/bar atmospheres combined with colds lately (it's one of my favorites, I don't know why tbh) and you did both!!! I love when they go to bars and WOW, how cute is Sam, getting all dizzy and heavy and fuzzy before he finishes even one beer! And Sam being sensitive to the smoke! And Dean cutting him off, and the tea thing, wow, wow. Just a bunch of my FAVORITE THINGS and you got them all!
  
• GOD, okay, and you mentioned the temperature change thing... have you been living inside my head??? Freaking LOVE that.
  
• And I also love how much girls like them, and when girls are nice to Sam when he has a cold (and how Dean knew that was going to happen)!!!!!!
  
• The fever.
  
• And of course, how can I not mention all of the Jess references, oh man, SOOO sweet and sad, and Sam's breakdown at the end! Makes me want to write a samjess fic tbh...
  
• And Sam being sooo stuffed up throughout the whole thing, and even more after he was crying so much...
  
• AND I love how you have Dean taking care of his brother so so well throughout this entire thing, but without breaking his character (since he isn't really The Type, obviously), and I know how hard that is to do and you captured his concern and level of care in such a genuine and Deanlike way. Like I said in the beginning... you did such a good job of staying true to the show and to Sam and Dean's dynamic.
  

I'm going to be reading this aaaaaaalll day. Thank you SO MUCH. You managed to hit just about every single one of my buttons, probably without fully intending to. You're the best.

[Sophie<3]

Ohh I'm so glad you decided to post this! I really love it (and now I can quote parts of it! xD)

“Huh...” Sam took a shaky breath and helplessly waited for relief that seemed out of reach.

“Get on with it already”, Dean commented, unable to stop the corners of his mouth from twitching.

“It's not... fuhh... fuh...”, Sam tried to protest.

“Not funny?” Dean chuckled. “I think it's hysterical.”

“Huh...AHSHh'ooOO!” Finally, Sam sneezed freely. The first sneeze came out strong, but not strong enough to fully relief the tickle in the back of his nose. “Huh'IEEShh'eew! Huh'ASHH'uh!””

Okay, that whole section? Pretty much killed me. So much so that I'm actually having difficulty typing this. And Dean's response of: 'Not funny? I think it's hysterical.'

No, he only came to Dean with things he could fix. Dead girlfriends were a whole different story.

Awwww. That line pretty much broke me.

“I'll get you drunk enough eventually. Then you'll talk.”

That's just so completely Dean.

“Well, aren't you a charming companion tonight”, Dean replied, his voice laced with sarcasm.

PFFT. I love the way you write Dean's dialogue!

“Make it stop, make it stop...! Jess... Jess, Jess, Jess, JessJessJessJess...”

AWWW SAM! I just want to hug him!!!

And those flashbacks that you wrote in? They were so great! Like I said before, you didn't overdo the angsty-ness (is that a word? ) and I really liked that. I don't know if they're out there and I've just missed them, but I haven't come across many fics around here that are set during this particular period (like, just after Jess' death), so it's really nice to read one!

Aww... MaiMai! :') Thank you sooo so much for this lovely comment! And for reading the first part and encouraging me to finish this story! I'm so happy you liked this, even though it was sad and angsty! And I'm also glad you think that I didn't overdo it. I tried this for the first time, so I really wasn't sure how it would turn out, you know, but you enjoyed it and just for that reason I'm happy I wrote it! (:

And omc, thanks for saying the dialogue was good! This time, I was kind of insecure about it and awww... generally, compliments from you mean so much to me, because I look up to you so much and you're such a great writer! Okay, I'm really happy now! Thanks to you!! You're the best!

OMG...my heart strings have never been pulled so tightly.

Sammy! The poor hunter. That was absolute torture...

Beautifully written! Well done.

Thank you!! I know, poor Sammy, right? I felt like they never explored this enough on the show in a way, because, come on, he loved her and then she died like that? So I just wanted to illuminate this part of Sam's journey a little more.

Oh gosh, thank you! That's so sweet! :') Thanks for leaving a comment! It means a lot!

Sooo, oh my god, I'm at work right now and using a work computer and had this weird urge to check the forum (in incognito mode, of course...) and I am SO SOOOO glad that I did!!! This is amazing!! I'm going to make you a list, dude, there are so many things that I loved. This was INCREDIBLE.

• Season one boys!! That's my favorite. They were the cutest ever in this season, and I love this dynamic the most honestly. You captured it so well, too!! The dialogue is very casual and at the same time very sincere... it's all very, very in character. Seriously, in every single line I could hear their voices perfectly -- just like watching an episode.
  
• Love how Dean blesses Sam every single time. I think everyone knows by now that I have such a thing for that.
  
• AND how he keeps referring to Sam's cold and I don't know, the phrasing and everything... aw I just really like that.
  
• Sam waking up with a cold and sleeping in the car and STILL being tired!
  
• All of the talk of Stanford and partying, oh my god, love you Dean.
  
• I've been in such a mood for alcohol/bar atmospheres combined with colds lately (it's one of my favorites, I don't know why tbh) and you did both!!! I love when they go to bars and WOW, how cute is Sam, getting all dizzy and heavy and fuzzy before he finishes even one beer! And Sam being sensitive to the smoke! And Dean cutting him off, and the tea thing, wow, wow. Just a bunch of my FAVORITE THINGS and you got them all!
  
• GOD, okay, and you mentioned the temperature change thing... have you been living inside my head??? Freaking LOVE that.
  
• And I also love how much girls like them, and when girls are nice to Sam when he has a cold (and how Dean knew that was going to happen)!!!!!!
  
• The fever.
  
• And of course, how can I not mention all of the Jess references, oh man, SOOO sweet and sad, and Sam's breakdown at the end! Makes me want to write a samjess fic tbh...
  
• And Sam being sooo stuffed up throughout the whole thing, and even more after he was crying so much...
  
• AND I love how you have Dean taking care of his brother so so well throughout this entire thing, but without breaking his character (since he isn't really The Type, obviously), and I know how hard that is to do and you captured his concern and level of care in such a genuine and Deanlike way. Like I said in the beginning... you did such a good job of staying true to the show and to Sam and Dean's dynamic.
  

I'm going to be reading this aaaaaaalll day. Thank you SO MUCH. You managed to hit just about every single one of my buttons, probably without fully intending to. You're the best.

SENNNN!!!

I... oh gosh, I don't even know where to start. I love you? I mean, holy crap, that comment made my day... no week, no... life!!

You have no idea how happy you just made me, girl! I'm always so happy when people take the time to leave a comment, but yours is so long and wonderful and incredibly sweet! *tears up* And you took the time to really tell me which parts you liked and why and that made it all the more precious!

And honestly, do we, like, have a lot of things in common? I like the Season 1 boys, too (I have a thing for Sam's hair in that season haha) and I love fevers and obviously I wanted to include the bar atmosphere thingy, or else I would not have written it that way. So, I had no idea that you were into the same things, but I'm sooo glad you enjoyed this story so much!

And all the things you said about the boys being in character? Even Dean? I was so insecure about that for some reason, so that was the best compliment ever for me!

Seriously, this is one of the sweetest comments I've ever received on any of my stories and I cannot find the words right now to tell you how thankful I am! Just... love. Honestly. Love.

[spirkestielgirl87]

Hard to follow such detailed, and well-written replies! I almost want to write a separate replies to the replies to say how much I enjoyed reading them, so thoughtful and descriptive! But anyway I just want to say I loved this! I loved the combination of physical and emotional suffering, so that Sam was hurting on multiple different levels. And how caring Dean was without being all "chick flick moment". Also really like the way Sam was interacting with the girl, and the way you explained his thought processes for responding the way he did. I really enjoyed it!

[Zwee]

I want to sob. I want to curl up and sob.

My heart hurts.

This was so tragically beautiful. I have never experienced a loss like this, but I have definitely experienced heartbreak and you captured this so well.

SAMMY. He's so so so sick. There are so many things to say.

I love it. and you.

[Sophie<3]

Hard to follow such detailed, and well-written replies! I almost want to write a separate replies to the replies to say how much I enjoyed reading them, so thoughtful and descriptive! But anyway I just want to say I loved this! I loved the combination of physical and emotional suffering, so that Sam was hurting on multiple different levels. And how caring Dean was without being all "chick flick moment". Also really like the way Sam was interacting with the girl, and the way you explained his thought processes for responding the way he did. I really enjoyed it!

Oh gosh, I wasn't expecting any more replies! Thank you so much! And your feedback was really detailed, too, and made me super happy!

I want to sob. I want to curl up and sob.

My heart hurts.

This was so tragically beautiful. I have never experienced a loss like this, but I have definitely experienced heartbreak and you captured this so well.

SAMMY. He's so so so sick. There are so many things to say.

I love it. and you.

Oh, Zwee, thanks so much! I love you, too, for leaving a comment like this! And I hope this story didn't make you sad for long, and that your head feels better! It wasn't my intent to make people sad, even though I guess I should write fluff if I don't want people to feel this way... Thanks again for your kind words!

[Zwee]

Haha, no worries, Sophie!

I just meant it was so amazing it made my heart literally feel for Sammy! I totally loved it. It didn't make me sad for too long.

You're awesome!

[Sophie<3]

Haha, no worries, Sophie!

I just meant it was so amazing it made my heart literally feel for Sammy! I totally loved it. It didn't make me sad for too long.

You're awesome!

That's good. I'm glad! And thanks!