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"Quite a Handful" - HOUSE, M.D. (House, Wilson, Cuddy)


beatlelover22

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AN - I've had this idea for sometime now and I've only just decided to actually write it. We'll see how it goes. My last fic involved a sneezy!Wilson, so this fic's focus is House! smile.png

Title: "Quite a Handful"

Fandom: House M.D.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of House M.D., nor any plots, quotes or subplots.

Warning: None? I don't think so anyway... Spoilers maybe for the season six finale and onwards? Just relationship-wise.

Description: House falls ill, and just in time to have dinner with his girlfriend's mother. At first he tries to hide it but is finally forced to tell the truth. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the reaction he's expecting.

Notes: Okay, you guys might hate me but... no real sneezes in the first part. I know how annoying that is, I'm sorry! I promise I'll make up for it in the next part! upset.gif I might be able to post the next part in a few hours actually, haha! Comments are appreciated (but not necessary, so please don't feel obligated) but if there's anything you want me include, do let me know! I'm pretty open to those kinds of things! biggrin.png Enjoy!

I.

Lisa Cuddy was beautiful in so many ways... more ways than Gregory House would care to list, in fact. But she was also the head of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital ergo always up to her elbows in paperwork and hospital drama. It'd been nearly a week since she'd visited House's apartment.

Sure, she'd felt guilty about it, but when it came down to it, she would always choose her job first (or at least most times). The fact of the matter was, her hectic schedule wasn't the only thing keeping her from House's flat; it was the looming fact that he had to come to dinner with her family, her mother and Rachel.

Cuddy had been ignoring the issue for far too long. She had to invite him over to formally meet her mother; it was a "given" of relationships, the one hurdle that terrified most couples. With a flourish of her signature on a consent form, she decided to go talk to him.

***

House threw open Wilson's door and limped in, slamming it behind him. "I've got a problem."

"Please tell me you haven't started using again."

"I might if I can't figure this out."

Wilson glanced up from his computer. "If I help you, you'll admit you're actually coming to me for advice?"

"Hmm... no. You and I both know that's pushing it." House studied his friend's face, judging whether or not he'd give in.

Wilson closed his laptop. Score. "Okay, shoot."

"Cuddy's avoiding me. I don't know why and I need to sleep with her. Now."

"Okay..." the oncologist began slowly. "Why on Earth would she be avoiding a sarcastic, often insulting doctor who's behind over 200 hours of clinic duty and is actively rude towards, lets see, everyone?"

House shrugged before collapsing onto the couch. "She put up with me before. I don't see why it should change now."

"Have you done anything... excessively inconsiderate lately?"

"No! Well, not excessively..." His pager beeped and in an instant, he was up and heading to the door.

"Wait, House! Where are you going?"

House looked at him like he was the village idiot. "I was paged."

"You... never answer your pager."

"Cuddy paged me." he said before disappearing out the door.

***

"I'm surprised you weren't in your office." Cuddy was seated comfortably in House's swivel chair, examining his red and grey tennis ball, rolling it on the palm of her hand. He watched her, trying to read her mannerisms.

"You were surprised?"

"Well, not really."

"Then why'd you--"

"I was just using it as a conversation starter." she admitted, putting the tennis ball back on his desk.

He edged closer. "How about, 'Long time, no see'?"

She started to fire back some response, but caved. "I know, I'm sorry."

"Did I do something?" He didn't mean it in the caring, apologetic way; he was actually just very curious."

"No, I..." Cuddy began to say something then stopped. "I want you to come to dinner with me. And Rachel. And my mother."

House couldn't bring himself to say anything. "Uh..."

"Not optional." she added quickly. "Sorry, it needs to happen."

"Okay. When?"

Cuddy stood up and adjusted her skirt, smoothing the fabric over her thighs. "Day after tomorrow, Wednesday. My house, around... four o'clock?"

"Four o'clock." he repeated.

"Thanks, House." Her lips brushed his cheek. "And wear something nice, please."

***

Not even ten minutes later, he was back in Wilson's office.

"She wants me to have dinner with her."

Wilson's brown eyes widened a bit. "Well, that's great!"

"And her mom."

"Huh."

House, once again, found himself on the sofa, feet propped up on the arm rest. "I'm screwed."

"No, no... you just need to act... not yourself."

"Great. Who should I be? I'm leaning more towards Britney Spears, but who knows, I've always loved Barbra Streisand. I'd probably have to get a nose job though, huh? What do you think?" He rubbed his nose thoughtfully.

"I'm serious, House. This is huge and you cannot screw it up. She trusts you enough to," he chuckled (nervously?), "to socially engage with her mother. I mean... this is the 'meet-the-parents' stage. You made it this far."

"I just want her to come over again! I don't see why it has to be a big deal, with a dinner."

"This isn't about you." the oncologist pointed out. "It's about her. You need to do this for her."

"I can't!"

"You can and you will!"

House gave Wilson his best pouty face. "But Dad..."

"No buts." Wilson wagged his finger disapprovingly. "I've got an appointment in twenty, but briefly, let's go over some basic ground rules."

House nodded to show he was somewhat listening.

"You'll call Cuddy's mom..."

"Arlene."

Wilson made a sound which imitated that of a buzzer. "Wrong."

"'You over there'."

"Nope."

"Mom?"

Wilson shook his head. "Miss Cuddy."

"You're kidding." House pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming on for sure.

"Next," Wilson continued, "you will not talk about work as dinner conversation. Talk about the weather, puppies, I don't care. Anything but work. Oh, and your sex life. Don't mention that. In fact, just compliment the food and speak when you're spoken to."

Hm. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

"After dinner, offer to take everyone's dishes and take them to the kitchen to clean up. Tell Cuddy thank you for the meal and compliment them both at some point, but not one directly after another. And lastly, most importantly..."

House hung on to every word, eager to hear what he was about to say.

"Don't make any Jew jokes." Wilson gave him an encouraging smile before glancing at his watch and quickly getting up. "Gotta go. Oh!"

House looked up, expectant.

"Go do some clinic hours. You wanna be on her good side this week."

Wilson could hear House's dramatic cry of anguish three doors down.

***

"He's been coughing and sniffling all day long. I think it might be pneumonia!"

House stared blankly at the mother. "Pneumonia."

She nodded eagerly. "Yes. Adrian's throat has been sore for two days and he started complaining of a headache just this morning!"

"No fever." he announced, removing the thermometer from the five-year-old's mouth. "Open up."

The kid smiled, showing his teeth.

"No, no." House exhaled in frustration. "Say 'ah'."

Adrian's tiny mouth stretched into a yawn. "Ah'choo!" He sneezed a little kitten sneeze, then again. "Ahh... ahhh... p'choo!"

"Bless you." House said dryly, wiping off his face. "How long has he been doing that?"

"What, sneezing?" the mother asked. "Well, for a few days now, I guess. Why?"

House scribbled onto a piece of paper and gave it to her. "Might wanna invest in some tissues. Your son has a case of the sniffles."

"You're sure it's not--"

"Yes, I'm sure." he replied, standing up. "Have a nice day!"

Edited by beatlelover22
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I personally haven't watched House before, though I know what goes on for the most part. But from what I can tell from other fanfiction's and sorts, this is really on point. Also, you're a very talented writer. I'd love to see this continued. :)

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Heeheehee found you! I can already tell this is going to be good :D

"Bless you." House said dryly, wiping off his face.

I can picture this perfectly. :rofl:
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AN - A couple people have already replied to this story; thanks, guys! Of course, it's been like, what, five hours and I'm already eager to post the next chapter... ah, who cares! Hope you guys like it (and I promise there's actual sneezing in this part!). tonguesmiley.gif

II.

Wednesday morning had finally arrived like an impending execution date, punctuated by a blaring alarm clock. House blindly fumbled to hit the snooze button, succeeding on the fifth smack. His eyes drifted shut again, welcoming the idea of extra sleep. Unfortunately, the sun was already shining through his window, illuminating the room and making it uncomfortably hot. House swallowed sleepily, then frowned. Ouch.

He squinted into the sunlight and sat up against the headboard. It hurt to swallow. No... he couldn't be...

House opened his mouth to say something, testing his voice. Nothing came out, not once word. He'd lost his voice.

The man got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He could not tell Cuddy. She'd kill him for sure and he'd be sleeping alone for the next month... maybe forever. He couldn't let her down tonight, he had to make it to that dinner. Covers drawn back, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and headed to the kitchen.

***

"Are you drinking... tea?" Wilson asked later that day as the pair sat down for lunch.

House set his thermos down. "Yes."

"You hate tea!"

"Not today." He'd managed to coax his voice back, but he knew if he stopped drinking hot liquids, it'd be gone again.

"What do you mean, 'Not today'? You don't just change your dietary habits in a day!"

House scoffed. "Actually, some people do. That's a little inconsiderate of you, don't you think?" He took another sip, then set it back down.

"Okay. You ready for tonight?" There was silence while Wilson waited for his reply. When there was none, he glanced up, surprised to see House's eyes closed.

"Hh'NNGT!" He'd managed to stifle the sneeze, but not without attracting his friend's attention. "If by ready you mean--"

"You stifled your sneeze." Wilson spoke up, eyes practically twinkling.

"No," House said slowly, "I sneezed. Don't toss your Freud-influenced theories on me. I think the proper response is 'bless you'. Being a doctor, I would've though you'd known that by now."

"Oh, no. You're trying to hide the fact that you're sick." Wilson's mind was already racing with theories. "It annoys you that no matter how hard you try, you just can't hide it!"

"You got me." House replied, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"No, no, that's too-- wait. Are you trying to... hide this from Cuddy?"

"Why would I do that? When I can spend a nice, relaxing day in bed?"

"A day in bed, but it'd be without her. You want to go to the dinner, be nice to the family, and win back Cuddy's affection towards you, that's the ultimate goal, right? So you're not about to let a cold get in the way of your master plan."

House rolled his eyes. "Stupid kid in the clinic sneezed on me. Twice!"

Wilson laughed, finishing up his salad. "Oh, you're in for it. She's totally gonna find out. No way you can hide this from her."

The diagnostics expert almost struck a bet with him, then thought better of it; it'd be worse to overestimate his abilities, what with his ego on the line.

"Well," House took a sip of his tea, "nice chat. But I have a case." He didn't have a case, actually, but Wilson didn't know that.

"Okay. Good luck with... everything." Wilson waved his hand a bit, still chewing. "Call me later, okay? I'm interested in how it'll all turn out."

***

Safe in his nearly sound-proof office, House could sneeze without trying to hold them back or stifle. Within minutes of bouncing his tennis ball against the wall, his nose itched. His vision became blurry with the urge to sneeze and soon enough, it came. "Huh'CHOOO!" He sighed, feeling relieved until the tickle returned. "Hh'USHHOO!" The last one left him slightly dizzy from the force. House blinked away the sneezy tears and reached for his thermos. God, his throat hurt. And now (probably brought on by that last sneeze), a dull headache throbbed behind his eyes.

He took a few ibuprofen, knowing full well they wouldn't help, and folded his arms so as to allow his head to rest comfortably on his desk. Within minutes, he'd drifted off into a fitful sleep, snuffling a bit. From a far away place, he heard a door being opened.

"Figures I'd find you here, asleep. In other words, not doing work."

House opened an eye and squinted up at his boss. "Mmm..." he mumbled, still half-asleep.

"House... I need you to at least pretend like you're working."

"Did you say something?"

"Please! I can find you all the cases you want..."

"Can't you let me--" His nostrils started to flare and he instinctively rubbed them with his knuckles, staving off the sneeze for now. "--take a day off?"

"A day off?" she laughed, arms akimbo. "Every day you work here is a day off!"

"Isn't that, like, an oxymoron?" He imitated the voice of a twelve-year-old girl surprisingly well.

"Clinic. Now." Her heels click clack clicked down the hallway.

***

"I have this really bad rash." A young woman sat on the examination room table, legs dangling off the edge. He judged her to be in her early twenties.

"Okay..." he began. "Where exactly?"

The blonde pulled up her shirt, showing him an angry red rash across her front, then displayed her back for him, which was equally as bothered. He placed a cool hand on her stomach, then her back. "The skin is fevered."

"I have a fever?"

House rolled his eyes. "No, the sk-skin is just really--" He turned away from her before sneezing into the open air. "Hah'SHHHUHHH! Hap'SHOO!"

When he turned back around to face the girl, she looked disgusted. "Isn't that like, kind of unsanitary?"

"Do you have a degree in medicine?"

She shook her head no.

"Didn't think so. You're sunburned. Some aloe vera should do the trick but I can subscribe you some very expensive lotion if you'd r-rather. Ah'SHHH!"

***

"House, I need a consult. I have a patient who-- whoa." Wilson stopped in his tracks, half-way through House's office. "Why're all the lights turned off?"

"Shh..." House shushed him. "Head hurts."

"Um, okay. Well, it's a 45-year-old male, contracted--"

"No, that was me dismissing you. Hhw'SHOO!" The sneeze caught him by surprise and managed to smack his head on the desk rather hard. He groaned, sniffling. "Anyway, goodbye."

Wilson sighed, still staring at his clipboard, and left.

When House awoke again, the time was a little after one. Three more hours to go. If he was going to tell her, it was now or never.

***

A familiar tapping on her door caused Cuddy to smile and look up. "House--"

"I can't go to the dinner. I'm--" He twisted away from her, sneezing into his hands. "Hur'ESHHHOO! Huh! Ehh... hh'SHOO!" After he'd sniffled and turned back around, he finished his sentence. "I'm sick."

Cuddy chuckled. "Very funny... we're having pot roast for dinner, that okay?"

"No, seriously," House protested, "I'm sick."

Now she crossed her arms. "You're just doing this to get out of having dinner with my mom. Well guess what? I know you, House!"

"What, I'm faking my sneezes for fun?" he shot back.

"Two 'real' sneezes? That's supposed to convince me you're sick?"

"Look, I'm drinking tea! I hate tea and I'm drinking it because..." House glanced around, searching for his thermos, then realised where it was. "It's in my office but--"

"Either show up or don't. It's your choice, House."

He left her office feeling defeated and ill.

***

Wilson stopped House in the hall. "Hey! Your head feeling better?"

House glared at him.

"I'm guessing that's a no."

"I told Cuddy I was sick and couldn't go."

Wilson raised an eyebrow. "Bold move. And?"

"And she didn't believe me."

"Huh. I wonder why..." Wilson said, rolling his eyes. "You're in for it now."

House shrugged, rubbing his irritated nose. "At least I don't have to... have to..." His voice trailed off. "Hur'EDISHOOO!"

"Bless." Wilson was started to feel sorry for him.

"At least I don't have to hide it anymore."

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AN - Alright! Thanks for all your thoughtful comments; they make my day! :) Okay, here's the next part. Poor House... Hope you guys like it! tonguesmiley.gif

III.

By the time four o'clock rolled around, Gregory House was absolutely miserable. His head ached something awful, he felt fevered and his throat was killing him. Not to mention he couldn't go five minutes without sneezing. The doctor finished buttoning his shirt and glanced at his appearance in the mirror: flushed cheeks, glassy eyes and a red, chapped nose. It was a wonder Cuddy could believe he was faking it; she was a goddamn doctor for crying out loud.

Sniffling, he snatched his keys off the coffee table and left, not before popping a few more ibuprofen.

***

Nearly as soon as he rapped on the door with his cane, Cuddy answered it. "House," she said, throwing open the door, "glad you could make it. Dinner's almost ready!" Then, through her teeth, "It's past four, what took you so long?"

"Sorry. Traffic." House gave her an apologetic smile as he stepped through the doorway.

"Everyone's already at the table." Cuddy explained, taking him into the dining room. Indeed, Arlene was seated next to Rachel, who was gurgling happily.

"Gregory." the older woman said formally, nodding at him.

"Hello..." He paused. What had Wilson instructed him to call her again? Oh yeah. "Ms. Cuddy."

"Please, Arlene is fine." she corrected him as her daughter set a steaming bowl of pot roast in front of him.

Cuddy smiled. "Alright, everyone have what they need?"

The table was set beautifully, an elegant glass of wine in front of all the adults; Rachel had a sippy cup of grape juice, which she was currently banging on the table. Arlene took the cup out of her hands and placed it above her plate, out of reach.

"Okay everybody, dig in!"

As the rest of the table began to eat, House attempted to recall all of Wilson's titbits of advice. He took a bite of the roast and swallowed. "I like your earrings."

Cuddy smiled, reached up and felt her earlobe, trying to remember which pair she had on. "Oh! Thank you!"

Thus proceeded an awkward silence until the toddler ran out of macaroni. "More!" she commanded.

"Okay, okay."

Arlene watched her daughter get up to fix some more mac 'n cheese. "Is that all she's going to eat?"

House's nose twitched and he rubbed it gently.

"What?" Cuddy sat back down, staring daggers into her mother. "She's picky. It's normal, she's three."

"When I was raising you, I'd make you have whatever I'd prepared, no excuses."

House shifted in his seat, then cleared his throat, still fighting back the sneeze.

"Well, it's not your fault. You're never home to enforce any rules anyway."

He finally let go, bringing his napkin to his face. "Hep'SHOO! Ahh... hahH! Hh'SHHH!"

Rachel began to laugh hysterically. "Bwess 'oo!"

"Thank you." House told her politely as his girlfriend and her mother started another stare-down.

"Right. And I'm sure you deserve mother of the year award, right?"

"I was a great mother!" Arlene retorted. "Kept you and your sister in line, hair braided and face clean."

Cuddy laughed sarcastically. "Oh, yeah. Great mother. It doesn't matter that you clearly favoured Julia!"

"I loved you both equally. I just liked Julia better."

Cuddy scoffed. "Do you hear yourself? Honestly."

Nobody but House noticed Rachel's lip had started to quiver, on the verge of tears brought on by all the shouting. Luckily for her, House's nose was on fire.

"Excuse m-me." he managed before ducking into his napkin again. "Hih'SHOO! Ek'ESHH! Hahh... ahh..." He bent over, panting and eyes watering. "Uh'SHHAHH!"

As Rachel burst into a fit of giggles, Arlene narrowed her eyes. "You aren't ill, are you?"

Seeing Cuddy's terrified face, he swallowed and sniffled. "Uh, doe. Id's hayfever."

"In November?"

He nodded. "Yeah." House inhaled quickly before doubling over again. "Hi'CHAHH!"

"Bwess 'oo!"

"She's good ad thad." he told Cuddy, giving her a smile. "Looks like you've been teachig her somethig."

"Maybe you should try teaching her a little discipline." Arlene suggested, folding her napkin. "That was delicious."

"Thank you." Cuddy said coldly, taking her dishes to the sink.

House followed her lead, getting up and taking both his bowl and Rachel's. "I'll do the dishes tonide."

"You sure?"

"Oh, don't look so surprised." He rubbed his nose and squinted before turning away from her, gasping. "Exc-cuse m-me-- Hur'ESHHOO! Ek'NGTT!" His attempted stifle nearly blew his ears out but he was started to feel a bit embarrassed with all the sneezing, especially with Arlene watching him like a hawk. "Ah'KNTT!"

"Bless you." Cuddy told him finally. As they went into the kitchen together, she put her hand on his back. "You really are sick, aren't you?"

Seeing her guilty face, he tried a reassuring smile. "Id's just a cold."

"You really look awful." She put her hand on his forehead and he almost exhaled in relief, it was so cool. "House, you're burning up!"

"Id's dot thad-- ahh..." Nose twitching, he pulled away from her to sneeze into his hand. "Ha'TCHOO! Ahh! Hah! SHOO!"

"House..."

He shook his head. "Doe, I'b s-sorry. I shouldn't have cobe. I'b godda go, okay? I'll see you tomorrow."

"House!"

The doctor grabbed his coat, pulled it over his shoulders, and waved to Rachel. "Bye, kiddo."

She clapped her hands and called after him. "Bwess 'oo!"

"Thanks." he mumbled before slipping out into the cool night air.

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Great once again! :) Please continue, I'd love to see more!

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Ahhh!! This is so amazing! I logged on to see if there were any new fanfics and I was pleasantly surprised to see a House sick fic! I love House/Cuddy! There never seems to be enough stories where he's sick :P Hope you continue soon!

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AN - OHMYGOD you guys' comments were so sweet!! Also, I do like House/Cuddy too! There's not many fics like that around, but I don't know who I like better House and Wilson (as friends, or something more) or House/Cuddy! Both are great! thumbsupsmileyanim.gif ANYWAY, hope you guys like it! tonguesmiley.gif Thanks for reading!

IV.

Although House knew he was supposed to call Wilson as soon as he got home, all he was thinking about was how nice it would feel to be in bed. So upon arriving at his house, he let his cane drop to the hardwood and limped the rest of the way. However, by the time he made it to the sofa, it looked just as comfortable as a bed.

He didn't even want to think about what had happened at Cuddy's dinner. For he felt... embarrassed. Completely abandoning his thoughts, House sucked in a large breath. "Hih'KSHOO!" His throat was already raw and these sneezes weren't helping.

***

When House didn't call, Wilson got worried. He knew House wouldn't want to phone him, but after being sick and sitting through what no doubt had to be a stressful dinner, he figured he'd better take the initiative and call House. After the sixth call going to voicemail, he decided to head on over.

"House," Wilson said loudly, "open up."

No answer.

He tried again. "I know you're in there. Just open the door!"

When silence greeted him yet again, Wilson took the spare key out of his trousers' pocket and unlocked the door himself, stepping into the threshold and quietly the door behind him..

The first thing he noticed was how dark it was; nearly pitch black, making it impossible to see anything. The second thing he noticed or rather, heard, was a congested, grumbling snore coming from the middle of the room. Curiously, Wilson crept forward, quiet as a church mouse.

Unfortunately, he didn't see the cane House had so carelessly left on the floor. Wilson's foot snagged on the thing and he went sprawling forward, landing face-first and hitting his head on what he later found out to be the arm of the couch.

House, startled by the noise, grunted and flicked on the lamp. "Whad the hell..."

Wilson weakly raised an arm, just enough so that House could see it. "Nghh... sorry." Still very dazed, he got up slowly.

"Who'd you get id a fight with?"

The oncolgoist staggered toward the couch, briefly glancing in the mirror. "Oh. Sorry, I just came to ask you how the dinner went and to check if you were okay." His lip was bleeding, as if someone had punched him, and his right eye was already starting to bruise.

House ignored the caring crap that had just come out of his friend's mouth. "By couch beat you up? I kdew I bade the right ch-choice buyig id..." House trailed off, sniffing lightly in hopes that the stuck sneeze would actually come out. He sighed in frustration.

"Stuck?"

House glared at him. "You should be a d-doctor, you kdow. Baybe even consider goig into somethig like oncology. Who k-kdows?"

"Oh, shut up." Wilson's hand instinctively brushed up against his friend's forehead, checking for fever. House retracted like a cat when confronted with a bathtub full of water.

"Don't go all--" He gasped, hit with the sudden urge to sneeze. "Hah'SHAHHH! Hahh... hiihH! Hup'SHOO!" He sniffled, then cursed, a finger under his trembling nose. "W-Wilson..." he managed, breath hitching.

Thankfully, Wilson got the message and snatched about eight tissues from the box next to him, firmly pressing them into House's shaking hand. The doctor buried his face into them. "Hurr'ERESHH! Ak'SHUP!"

Wilson laughed out loud at the sound of the last sneeze. "What," he chucked, "you try to hold that last one in?"

"Doe." House answered miserably before blowing his nose. "My throat just -- sddff -- hurts."

"Ah." Now Wilson felt bad. "Want me to make you some soup? The heat might soothe your throat a bit."

"I don't care, just go clean up your face. There's some frozen peas in the fr-freezer." House advised, lip quivering. "Hh'GSHOO!"

"Bless you, House!" Wilson called from the kitchen, bringing some water to a boil.

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I was so happy to see that you updated! I mean... I was watching like a hawk... whistling.gif

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Love this, just the House fix I needed. I love the way you write House's and Wilson's dialogue, can't wait for more!

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*crying* Why did I wait so long to read this fic? It's awesome! You write the dialogue between all of the characters really well.

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  • 4 years later...

I just found this and OMG! I love House! I wish there was more 🥺 but this is incredibly well written. 🥰

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Just stumbled across this today,  but what a great fic! I used to love House! Very well written! 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 4/23/2019 at 11:51 PM, 2SHY222 said:

I just found this and OMG! I love House! I wish there was more 🥺 but this is incredibly well written. 🥰

 

On 4/25/2019 at 11:37 AM, Xsneezelover3932 said:

Just stumbled across this today,  but what a great fic! I used to love House! Very well written! 

Aww, thanks you guys!! :)

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