Crocodile Tombs (Homestuck, Dirk)

[cheetah]

Aha it's been a long time since I've written, I'm kind of nervous.

This is set somewhere in the alpha's five-month game session. There will be caretaking. There will be friendship. There will be dependence and fear. There may be skeletons. Will there be a large snake with a cartoon sun for a face? Of course, what do you take me for.

==>

There was no ironic way to sniffle.

Dirk had come to this conclusion soaking, freezing, and hunched away from the rain in an abandoned crocodile tomb. Neither of which were his favourite states of being.

He'd been too distracted earlier to reflect on the humorously ironic implications of his situation- an amateur mistake, and his bro was probably turning in his grave- because, sorry, bro, it was pouring buckets of ice-cold bullshit all over LOTAK. He didn't even know it rained on LOTAK. Were there clouds here? It had occurred to him to wonder at the very start of the Heist, on the breathable rooftops of the tombs, when the stagnant air began to stir. And it started to rain.

By the time it had turned into a downpour he was soaking and sniffling, and by the time he'd found a tomb that wasn't full of aggressive skeletons he was sniffing like a bloodhound. He was sitting uncomfortably in some dusty grave, nose running, shivering on the floor. Dirk Strider: epitome of cool. Forget turning, Bro Strider was doing a graceful pirouette in his grave, with a backflip thrown in there somewhere.

There wasn't much of an ironic way to be rained on, either- no- hold that thought. That had some potential. Possibly, if he had the means of standing on something tall, preferably in a dramatic batman cloak (which, of course, he had, and had alchemised for entirely ironic purposes) and had lightning flash behind him, maybe posing with a sword. He'd spent most of the rainfall shivering and desperately trying to get out of the rain like a headless chicken, though. It was a job for a stronger man than him. Rain did not suit him.

It certainly did not suit his planet, which he could not have hated more at the moment. This felt vaguely important. How was it raining? Ah well. It was probably some whimsical aspect of the game, challenging his weaknesses or something unnecessarily inconvenient like that. He felt a little foggy, come to think of it, but damned if he was going to let that get to him. Sniffling wetly, he stood up and faced the rain with a grimace. He had a mission. No amount of water this game could throw would stop him.

He started to take a step, and then doubled over, head swimming, his breath hitching and catching in his throat. "H-hachoo! Haishoo! Fuh-fuck-eh-etishoo!"

He sat back down.

God it was cold. He was cold. Freezing. The thought of going back out there made his skin crawl. His hair, a cruel mockery of the anime sculpture it once was, was plastered to his head and dripping cold diluted hair product onto his neck.

Screw his dignity. Shame he could handle. Cold he could not.

Dirk hugged his knees, then his chest, shivering and dripping. If an imp- worse, one of his friends- found him here, he'd be dead from either injury or embarrassment, but god, he wished it would just get warmer already. Speaking of which, there was a message icon popping up in the corner of his ishades.

Well, whoever it was could wait. He pushed his shades up onto his forehead and glanced outside.

Just for a while, he told himself. Just to wait and see if it would let up. He'd do his job. The Heist was too far underway to stop now.

His shades were beeping.

--tipsyGnostalgic started pestering timaeusTestified --

TG: helllo this is alpha omega 404 agentrogue reporting for a super professional report of this super professional mission

TG: cmon it was your idea to do dumb mission reports

TG: i bet ur getting ur ass kicked by a bunch of skeletons instead of giving me the *~mission report*~

TG: smh

TG: ok the mission reports arent stupid gEEZ

TG: dirk???

--golgothasTerror started pestering timaeusTestified--

GT: forgive my interruption of your scouting dirk but roxy tells me you are not responding to her!

GT: surely a fellow as savvy with a ninja sword as yourself hasnt gotten into trouble just yet?

GT: youre not in one of the harder levels are you?

GT: where are you?

GT: have you lost your computer?

GT: what have i told you about having a sensible amount of computers on oneself at all times dirk!

Dirk rubbed his temples, still staring dully at the rain. Uncertain of how many minutes had passed, now, which was unusual, vaguely enjoying the sound of the rain and less so the thought of getting up any time in the next three years. There was a pulsing at his forehead, dizzying. Not good.

It occurred to him that he was actually getting sick, and the idea was so amusing he had to laugh. Dirk Strider gets a cold. What a thought.

He choked on the laugh and coughed instead, his throat tickling. He took it back. It wasn't funny in the slightest. It was just stupid.

He sniffed, again, rubbing his nose disgustedly with a glove, because he was so unprepared he didn't even have sleeves. His nose was stuffy. How it was running at the same time he wasn't sure, but it was probably some careful loophole in physics designed specifically to annoy him. Hell, it was plausible: even the sky was against him.

His shades continued to beep insistently, and some part of him urged himself to answer. He reached for his shades and instead cupped his hand to his face, sneezing. "Aaishoo! Heh-ischh!"

Which set his nose off running. He was very tempted to throw himself into the poisonous abyss below him, but instead merrily decided to throw away his dignity instead and flicked through his sylladex. Eventually he found squarewave's cape.

Thin, black, with spikes cut into it. Fitting only for dramatic entrances and ironically concealing his identity, being cool on several layers and stupid on several more. He took it out, wrapped it around himself, and decided that if anyone saw him, he would personally never look them in the face again. Wearily, nose still itching, he opened up a pesterlog.

TG: okay ur on the top floors right

TG: p sure janes up there so ill get her to check

TG: try not 2 die

TG: if u were killed by a low level imp horde i s2g

TG: ill spit on your grave

TT: Hold on. I'll send her the location.

TG: hal?

TG: whats happening

TT: Dirk's fine.

TT: I mean, probably. He's not dead. Can't tell you any more.

TT: The man likes his secrecy.

TT: Also, I have no fucking idea.

He blinked, puzzled, and looked at the remaining messages. He felt sluggish, too scattered to focus on that just now..,how important could it be? Hal could deal with it. Do something useful for once and provide adequate brainpower. Shades still beeping, he put them down, winced, and buried his face in the cloak with hitching breaths. "H-heh-hetchoo! Aatishoo! Duh-dammit, AR, can't you do what y-you alw-ways...atchoo!"

Disgusted at how hoarse and congested his own voice was, he shakily threw the shades back on and clumsily messaged himself before throwing them off and trying to lie back and sleep-

Sleep?

That snapped him back into reality.

The Heist.

"Shit." he croaked, and stumbled onto his knees, only to get tangled in his cloak and slump to the edge of the tomb, where he froze. Not a good place to be, Dirk. One careless roll into litres of asphyxiating nothingness, followed by concrete. Not a good way to go. Sitting up and scuttling backwards, he gave up on the shades and recovered his phone instead, opening Roxy's log.

TT: He just messaged himself saying 'pretend to be me.'

TT: Dunno what he thinks I was doing already, but what the hell.

TT: I guess you can call Jane's manhunt off.

TG: u mean i just got dissed??

TG: like hell im gonna

TG: SIC EM JANE

Oh fuck.

He looked back out at the rain, frozen, and saw something flicker in the darkness of another tomb.

--gutsyGumshoe started pestering timaeusTestified--

GG: Dirk, what are you WEARING?

Oh fuck.

[mutini]

Ahhhh this is really good so far! I love Dirk trying desperately to be cool in this scenario. Can't wait to read more (:

[4000tacobells]

Hnnngh. Hell yes. I'm really liking it so far and very much looking forward to more It's also rad to see more Homestuck around these days, keep up the good work <3

[LeapYearKisses]

Got a lot of stuff to catch up on since the last time I was around the forum, I guess. Also glad to see so much Homestuck, especially Dirk, muahaha. This is simply lovely! Hope you're planning to continue this when inspiration strikes!