2 Broke Girls And The Payback Cupcakes

[Likesn]

Well.... it's been a long time since I last wrote a fanfic. I'm currently still working on two original stories, but this one just felt like it had to be written now. So, I'm sure some of you watch/ heard of the comedy "2 Broke Girls". I watched most of season 1, almost no episodes of season 2 and all of season 3. It's a nice show, funny, and I always wanted to see either of the girls sneeze. There actually was a "sick episode" of the show in season 1, but there were only two male sneezes, and although one of the girls got sick she didn't sneeze or show any of the illness symptoms that we all love (except fever, for those of you who are into it). Anyway, I decided to write a sickfic about the show. I'm trying to write this fic like an episode of the show, and that means a few things:

- For those of you who know the show- remember how they use parts of the theme's guitar music to signal change of scenes (like a lot of sitcoms do)? I'm going to use that in the story. Those of you who watched at least one episode of the show would probably be able to imagine the relevant guitar sounds.

- Most of the jokes on the show are based on sexual innuendos (and jokes about short people, and about drugs, but that's irrelevant). Therefore, I'm might write jokes with said innuendos. I don't think there's gonna be anything +18 in this story, but if the moderators see fit to move this story to the +18 section because of this, it's their right to do so.

- Yes, I'm going to try writing jokes. They might not as be funny as the jokes in the show, they might not be funny at all, but you'll just have to deal with it.

As far as spoilers go, I don't think this is going to be a problem, since the plot line is pretty basic. I hope you will enjoy this, even if you don't watch the show. And now, after this very long preface, the story:

Title: 2 Broke Girls and the Payback Cupcakes

Author: Likesn

Fandom: 2 Broke Girls

Disclaimer: I don't own the show or the characters

Summery: Max and Caroline get the chance of a lifetime to publish their business, and then something goes wrong.....

*guitar sounds*

Max is serving a young man sitting alone in one of the diner booths. "Hey there, what can I get you?" she asks. "Actually, I was wondering- since 'new year's' eve is in two days, do you have anything on sale?" the man asks. "No, but that's only because the food here might kill you before 'new years', and since this might be your last meal we want to make sure we get all the money we can get from you before you kick the bucket" replies Max. "Can you believe this guy?" she says to Caroline as she passes by her. Han then walks up to Max and scolds her- "Max! How many time do I have to tell you not to scare away our costumers"?! "What's up with him?" asks Caroline. "Don't worry, he's probably just upset because they told him he can't come to a 'new year's' eve party with a stool, so once again he won't be able to reach any girl's lips" say Max. "Right, because the only reason a girl wouldn't kiss Han is if he doesn't reach her lips" says Caroline.

*Theme*

Max and Caroline are standing at their cupcake window when a group of young women walk up to them. "Hello, we were wondering if you can make a delivery of cupcakes for a party we're having" one of the women says. "No" says Max, but at the same time Caroline replies "of course" and stands in front of Max to talk to the young woman. "Wonderful. We need about 60 cupcakes. They can be whatever kind you like, and we will pay you extra for the delivery" the young woman says and than gives Caroline a note with an address of a hotel. "When you bring the cupcakes, just say they are for 'Platinum Club's" party, and they'll tell you just where to put them" the woman tells Caroline. "wait, did you say the order is for the 'Platinum Club'?" asks Caroline. "Yes, of course" the woman replies. "Can you please excuse us for just one moment? We'll be right back" says Caroline. She and Max go to the side of the room and Max asks "what's the matter? What is this club"? "The 'Platinum Club' is a club of rich people who have one of the most luxurious parties on 'new year's' eve every year" Caroline replies. "If they're all rich bitches, why would they buy cupcakes from a small place in Williamsburg? And by the way, how come they didn't recognize you? Didn't you used to go to parties like this all the time when you were rich?" asks Max. "No, I didn't. Even I never got an invitation to those parties" says Caroline as her face falls. "But that's not the point" she adds. "They show these parties live on T.V. Can you imagine how many costumers will come to buy our cupcakes if they see them in this party on T.V.? We have to get them to say the name of our cupcake store on T.V.". Caroline and Max return to the window and Caroline speaks with the young woman. "We would love to make the cupcake for your party, but is it possible that if anyone, let's just say- a random person with a video camera, asks where you got those cupcakes from you would mention that you got them from 'Max's Homemade Cupcakes'?" Caroline asks. "Sure, if you can pass the test" the young woman replies. "Test? What Test?" asks Max. "Darling, you didn't think you're the only place we're ordering cupcakes to our party from, did you? We order cupcakes from many places around the city, and every place sends us a few sample cupcakes along with the order. We taste the samples and then decide which store's cupcakes gets to be served in our party" the woman replies. "Then why don't you taste the cupcakes in advance, before you buy 60 cupcakes which I have to make?" asks Max. "Darling, we don't have time for that. We have so many things to do- those parties don't organize themselves, you know. We Taste all the food before the party, and then we decide what to serve" the woman replies. "What do you do with the rest of the food?" asks Max. "We give it away to those in need" the woman replies. "That's nice" says Caroline. "Yes, our pets need to eat as well. If your cupcake are good enough, we will serve them in our party and gladly tell everyone where we got them from. Good luck" the young woman says and she and the other women leave. "There's no way I'm going to make 60 cupcakes just to have them given away to some rich bitch's pet" says Max. "Don't worry. I'm sure they'll choose our cupcakes. You just have to be at your best tomorrow" says Caroline.

*guitar sounds*

The next morning, Caroline enters Max's room and wakes her up- "Max, what are you still doing in bed? You have to make all the cupcakes for the party before our shift at work begins". "Haa Eshoo!" Max turns in bed and sneezes a huge wet sneeze, spraying Caroline completely, and says "Carolide, *sniff* I dod't feel so good". "No, no, this can't be happening!! You can't be sick, not now! Come on! The Max I know is never sick. Let's go. Mind over matter- tell your body you're not sick, get out of bed and start working on those cupcakes" says Caroline. "Hep Tshoo! By body is givig be the siledt treatbedt right dow, udless it wadts to sdeeze, that is" says Max before grabbing a tissue and giving her nose a few loud, wet and gurgling blows. "You know what? Let me get you some tea. It'll help you get back on you're feet" says Caroline. "Thadks, but I was thidkig about 'bed bath add beyodd'" says Max. "Why? Do they also sell cold meds there now?" asks Caroline. "Dot the store. I beadt I wadt to stay id bed, thed take a shower, add thed get byself high beyodd doticig I'b sick" Max replies. Caroline leaves the room and returns a few minutes later with the tea. "Thadks Carolide, that's so dice of you" says Max. After she drinks the tea, Caroline asks- "now, aren't you feeling much better? Ready to make some cupcakes"? "Ha Epshoo!" Max replies with another obnoxious uncovered sneeze in Caroline's direction. "Could you at least cover your sneezes?" asks the disgusted Caroline. "I can't believe this" she adds "You're almost never sick, and now that we finally have an opportunity to make it big you come down with a cold. This is the worst". A few hours later, Caroline is lying in her own bed, surrounded by a pile of crumpled tissues and says- "I was wrodg. This is the worst".

*guitar sounds*

It's evening and the girls arrive at the diner for their shift. By now, both girl are completely sick and utterly miserable, their noses are red, inflamed and constantly running, their eyes are red and watery and they sneeze once every few minutes. "Dear lord! What happened to you two? The last time I saw noses in a shape as bad as this, it was the 70's and everyone around was doing cocaine. You girls are a mess" Earl says when he sees the sick pair. "We kdow. We barely badaged to get out of bed for work, add Bax still has to bake cupcakes for a 'dew year's' eve party after our shift Hi Yishoo!" says Caroline before letting out a girly sneeze. She turns to Han and asks "Had, cad we take a sick day"? "Absolutely not! There's so much work to be done and besides, how can I be sure you're not faking sick? This wouldn't be the first time Max uses makeup to look sick, so she can avoid working" Han replies. "Trust be, we're dot Hi Tshoo! fakig this. I've dever beed so sick id by edtier life" says Caroline. "I don't care. You two are working tonight and that's final" says Han. "But what if we sdeeze od a costuber's food. Would you risk people gettig sick frob eatig id your dider?" asks Caroline. "Oh come on! Like it's the worst disease they can get from eating the food here. Wait, did I say that out loud?" says Han and looks around to see if anyone heard him. "Wow Had, I cad't believe you would stoop so low" says Caroline. "Why dot? It's dot like his startig poidt is very high. The odly persod capable of stoopig lower thad Had is Kib Kardashiad, add she stooped so low they bight have to sedd a subbaride to fidd her Ha Eshoo!" says Max before sneezing openly. "Careful! don't get me sick as well!" Han cries out. "Why should't I? The last tibe I was sick it was you're fault, which is still a bystery to be" says Max. "What's the bystery? He sdeezed od you a couple of tibes" says Caroline. "The bystery is how cad Had get sick to begid with? I bead, the gerbs are practically his size Hu Epshoo!" says Max before sneezing again. The angry Han leaves and then Oleg's head pops out of the kitchen's service window. "Don't worry girls- I never get sick. My body repels germs" Oleg says. "Well, dow we kdow that all gerbs are febale. What a great day for sciedce Hi Ishoo!" says Caroline. Oleg rings the order's bell and says "chicken soup- pick up!" before disappearing back into the kitchen. "Hi everybody"! Everyone in the diner turn their heads to the door as Sophie walks in. Satisfied of all the attention, she says "I'll be in my booth girls". "Sophie, be careful not to catch the girls' cold. The only reason you're allowed to have a fever is from looking at the most handsome man in the diner" says Earl. "A handsome man? Where?" asks Sophie. "I was talking about me. Be careful not get a fever from looking at someone so hot" says Earl. "So you're saying there's a handsome man and a hot man in here? Where are they? Why can't I see them?" says Sophie as she looks around the diner. "Wait, are you girls sick?" she asks Max and Caroline. "Hu Pshoo!" is Max's reply and "Yishoo!" is Caroline's. "Oh boy, I can't stay here. I can't get sick. People used to die from cold and flu all the time in Poland. They told us it was because those people were possessed by demons, but it might've been related to the fact that we had no antibiotics. See you later" says Sophie before leaving the diner in a hurry.

*guitar sounds*

Late at night, Max and Caroline are in their cupcakes room in the diner. "I'b albost dode. I still cad't believe that after all by hard work, those cupcakes still bight edd up as pet food" says Max. "I dow, it's dot fair Hi Ishoo!" says Caroline before sneezing into the crook of her elbow. "Ugh! This is why I dever get sick- it bakes be so tired Ha Apshoo!" Max turns to the side and sneezes too. "It's a biracle I badaged dot to sdeeze od ady of the cupcakes" says Max. "Baybe it's because you sdeeze od ady other food dish you gave people this evedig Hei Tshoo!" says Caroline. "So did you! Dow, let be get those cupcakes id the oved, add while they get baked I cad get baked byself He Tshoo! Ow bad! Add I still have to bake the sabple cupcakes. I hope those wobed choke od theb if they dod't serve theb id the party" says Max. "Be too. Add you kdow what? I bet we wouldn't be so sick if we wered't worried that they bight dot like our cupcakes Hi Shoo! They should be the odes feelig bad, dot us" says Caroline. "You kdow what? You just gave be a great idea" says Max. "I did? Well, you gave be you're cold today, so I had to give you sobethig back, but seriously- what are you talkig about?" asks Caroline. "They should be feeling bad, add I kdow just the way to bake theb feel as bad as they should" replies Max. "Really? How He YiShoo!" Caroline barely manages to finish her sentence before sneezing again. "That's how! We sdeezes od their sabple cupcakes so they get sick as well" says Max. "That is totally gross, but dot as gross as I feel right dow, so what the hell" says Caroline. "Oh! I have adother idea- we wad't to bake the cupcakes special, so that they bight be served at the party after all, so I was thidkig, why dod't we bake theb sobe 'greed velvet' cupcakes?" Max suggests. "what are 'greed velvet' cupcakes?" asks Caroline. "You kdow- like 'red velvet' but with Hu Pshoo! greed food color. I usually save by greed food color for 'St. Patrick's Day' cupcakes, but everyode is too drudk od 'St. Patrick's Day' to dotice what their eatig adyway" replies Max. "That's actually dot a bad idea. That way, we bight get theb sick add get free bassive advertisebet for our busidess" says Caroline. After Max gets the sample cupcakes out of the oven, she stands above them and unleashes a mighty "Hu He Epshoo!" all over the cupcakes. "Well, *sniff* that should do the trick" she says. "Let be have a go as well, just so we cad be sure they get sick" says Caroline. "Be by guest" says Max, and Caroline sneezes a wet "Hi Yishoo!" on the cupcakes as well. "There's albost do chadce they dod't get sick dow" says Caroline but then she feels a sudden sharp tickle inside her nose and she sneezes again- "Hei Tshoo"! At the exact same moment Max lets out another sneeze of her own- "Ha Eshoo"! The green frosting on the cupcakes glisters in the light from all the sneeze spray that covers it. "O.K., dow there's do way they dod't get sick" says Max.

*guitar sounds*

The next morning, both girls aren't feeling any better, after having to work throughout the night before. "Bax, I'b sorry, but there's do way deither of us cad get the cupcakes to that hotel id tibe. We're both too sick add we cad barely get out of bed, add we have to work agaid todight" says Caroline. "I dow. That's why I ordered a special delivery service" says Max. "Bax! We cad't afford a special delivery service. We cad't even afford a Hi Tshoo! regular delivery service" says Caroline. "Trust be, it's O.K." says Max. At that moment, a knock is heard on the door. "There's our service dow" says Max. She opens the door and Oleg comes in. "Seriously Bax?" asks Caroline. "Don't worry. This service is free of charge, but just because you're both sick and disgusting" says Oleg. "Whed Oleg calls you disgustig, you kdow you've stooped to a dew low" says Caroline. She then gives Oleg the note with the address of the hotel. "Hey, I know this hotel. I've made many deliveries from it before" says Oleg. "Ha Eshoo! Dod't you bead- 'to it'?" asks Max. "No. I usually deliver stuff out of the hotel to people who want to sell them, but I can make a delivery the other way around for once" Oleg replies. "Feel better" he says before he takes the cupcakes and leaves. "Add dow we wait" says Max.

*guitar sounds*

When they come home from work that night, the girls sit down to watch a rerun of the "Platinum Club's" party. "Bax look!" Caroline cries out all of a sudden. The girls notice that the cupcakes served at the party look very familiar. "We did it! Our cupcakes bade it to the ' platidub Club'! I'b so happy I cad Die! Hei Shoo! Od secodd thought, I'b so sick I bight die adyway" says Caroline. "Carolide look! Sobeode is triyg to idterview the bitch who ordered the cupcakes frob us" says Max. "Excuse me miss. I understand you're one of the people who organized this party" a reporter turns to the young women who talked to Caroline and Max and ordered the cupcakes to the party from them. "Cobe od! Ask her where she got thous beautiful add delicious cupcakes frob" says Caroline while Max sneezes into a tissue "Eh Hup Shoo"! "Miss, I have to say- everyone in the this party seems to be enjoying those cupcakes over there very much. Would you mind telling us where you got them from?" the reporter asks. "Ha Ishoo! Get that cabera away frob be! Leave be alode! He Ishoo, Ish, Ishoo!" the woman runs away sneezing helplessly, not before the girls can see her nose is bright red, in spite of the many layers of makeup she is wearing. "Wait! She did't say 'Bax's Hobebade Cupcakes'!" Caroline cries out. "Dever bidd that. Our cupcakes are od T.V. add look- we got all those rich bitches sick" say Max. And sure enough, the girls can see that all the young women who came to their store when they ordered the cupcakes for the party are red nosed, sniffling and sneezing. "You're right. And besides, they did pay us pretty well. Too bad we have to spedd all that bodey od tissues" says Caroline. "Why? Are you stuffig your bra agaid?" asks Max jokingly. Caroline opens her mouth to reply, but a sneeze comes out instead- "Hei Yishoo"! Max's fit of laughter turns out into a sneeze of her own- "Hue Upshoo"! Both girls then blow their stuffy noses.

*ending guitar sounds*

The End

[Likesn]

I hate to be an attention whore, but I would very much like to get some constructive criticism on this fic, since I tried all sorts of new things in it and I'd like to know how it all turned out.

[Mercury]

I don't consider myself qualified/talented enough to give advice, but since you've asked for constructive criticism I'm going to be honest. I clicked on this because I liked the show, not female sneezing, but I didn't get too far into the story because every section is a massive chunk of text and it's quite difficult to read, and because I wasn't reading it for fetishy reasons I gave up trying. So I can't actually say anything about your writing because it didn't really register to me since the formatting was so off putting.

Seperating your paragraphs would make it a lot easier; change the line when you change a thoguht process or who's the one talking.

For example;

Max is serving a young man sitting alone in one of the diner booths. "Hey there, what can I get you?" she asks

"Actually, I was wondering- since 'new year's' eve is in two days, do you have anything on sale?" the man asks.

"No, but that's only because the food here might kill you before 'new years', and since this might be your last meal we want to make sure we get all the money we can get from you before you kick the bucket" replies Max. "Can you believe this guy?" she says to Caroline as she passes by her

Han then walks up to Max and scolds her- "Max! How many time do I have to tell you not to scare away our costumers"?!

"What's up with him?" asks Caroline.

"Don't worry, he's probably just upset because they told him he can't come to a 'new year's' eve party with a stool, so once again he won't be able to reach any girl's lips" say Max.

"Right, because the only reason a girl wouldn't kiss Han is if he doesn't reach her lips" says Caroline.

It just makes the words easier to digest, like eating one piece of cake at a time as opposed to trying to shove the whole thing in your mouth. Apart from that, the only other thing I would venture to suggest would be to watch out for repeating things a little too much, things like 'says someone' you can usually change up.

I hope this was helpful and the kind of thing you were looking for (please don't hate me if it's not)

Edited June 21, 2014 by Mercury

[Likesn]

Well, I was hoping for comments about the writing style, mostly, but I'll take what you said into my consideration.

[silentdreamer789]

I liked it Don't know the fandom at all, but I still enjoyed it.