"Hitting The Deep End" - (Criminal Minds - Reid) - [3 Parts]

[darkness-is-the-light]

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or anything of this plot really. The only thing I own is Spencer’s reaction to a horrible event.

A/N: This story takes place after Zugzwang. This with be a couple chapter story, if you have any requests you can tell me and I’ll see what I can do. Also, it will take a little while to get to the sneezing part plus the real sickness part too. I hope you like it so far!

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Reid struggled to hold back tears after spending an hour of his time sitting through an interview with Strauss. He didn’t know why it was mandatory to have to relive terrifying moments. Couldn’t the Bureau get enough information about the case from the other agents on the team? If having to see Maeve die wasn’t enough then having to talk about every piece of information was going over the limit.

Hotch sat down in a seat across from Reid. “Things will get better, Spencer.” He assured.

Reid bit his lip, “I know.”

“Do you need anything, anything at all?”

“No, can I just go home?” Spencer asked.

“Yes, if you need anything, call me.” Hotch said.

Reid nodded slightly and stood up.

Hotch patted his back lightly, “It will become easier.”

~~

When Spencer got home he collapsed onto his bed and sighed deeply. A lonely feeling came over him like a dark cloud. Hours later he fell into a restless sleep, constantly tossing and turning. Very early in the morning Reid was woken up by a nightmare. He went into his bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror.

His face was pale and there were dark circles under his eyes. Disgusted at looking at himself he went into his living room and glanced at his book collection. The book Maeve gave him caught his eye. He picked up the book and read the quote inside. Suddenly all of his emotions came rushing back to him in only a matter of seconds.

In the bout of emotions was one that stood out… anger. He was angry at himself for not acting as well as he could have with Diane. Reid got so infuriated with himself that he pushed all of his books off of the shelves. Tears rolled down his face quickly. The crying turned into wracking sobs that shook his body forcefully.

Spencer slid down his wall and sank down to the floor. Placing his head in his hands he gripped onto his hair and tugged viciously. The pain in his heart got worse by the minute. He wished that the floor would grab hold of him and drag him down, taking him away from the world. After hours of sobbing he cried himself to sleep.

But that sleep was interrupted when his alarm went off, signaling that he needed to get ready for work. Even after two weeks of grieving before the interview the pain was still strong as ever. Spencer pulled himself off the floor and trudged into his bathroom. The dark circles under his eyes had gotten worse, though he could care less what he looked like. Reid splashed some cold water on his face and got ready.

 

~~

At work he tried to look unfazed by the events two weeks earlier. Though he couldn’t look anyone in the eyes, afraid of what reaction they’d have. He couldn’t bare to look at another concerned face. Even though they didn’t have a case they still had to fill out tons of paperwork from the case before. After hours of endless paperwork, Hotch called Reid into his office for a quick word… or so he thought.

“Reid, you don’t have to be here if you don’t feel ready yet.” Hotch said.

“I’m fine.” Reid answered quickly.

“You look like you haven’t slept in days. Have you even slept at all?” Hotch asked.

“I’m fine.” Spencer repeated.

“Okay, I’m sorry for wasting your time. You can go now.” Aaron knew that Reid wasn’t okay, but he wasn’t going to argue with him.

~~

When Reid got home later that night a throbbing ache had settled in his head. The pounding distracting him from doing anything productive with his time. Spencer only laid on his bed and tried to forget the past events. But nothing could make the thoughts go away. Tears rushed to his eyes once again, the salty tears dripping down his face.

But this time there was a different feeling. It wasn’t the normal rundown feeling that he always had. This time it felt like metal anchors were pulling down on his limbs. Though he dismissed the dreadful feeling and soon fell asleep, the crying having exhausted him.

~~

In the morning he dragged himself back into the BAU, dreading every second he wasn’t curled up in his bed. Reid slowly sat down into his office chair, trying to hide the fact that he wanted to collapse into it instead.

“You okay, Pretty Boy?” Morgan asked.

“Yeah, just a little tired.” Reid replied.

“What, had a fun night?” Derek quipped.

“No, you know I’m not you.”

“Well, it was worth a try.” Moments later Morgan walked away, leaving Spencer alone.

Spencer massaged his temples, a throbbing ache plaguing him. Standing up he decided to go to the break room and try to find Tylenol or Advil to relieve the ache. Or at least make it bearable. When Reid got there he started filing through draws and cabinets.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps and a voice sound from behind him. “What are you looking for?” It was Hotch.

Spencer turned around quickly, “Nothing.”

“Well, you must be looking for something.”

“No, I just realized that I have the thing back at my desk.” Reid lied.

“Okay, you’re sure you’re not looking for anything?” Hotch asked again.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“I’ll let you be then.”

When Hotch left, Reid leaned against the counter and sighed. He almost got caught. Soon after, he found a bottle of Advil and took two pills. Walking back to his desk he read some of the leftover paperwork he had to finish. Filing through the paperwork he noticed a piece of paper from a file in the middle. He slipped the paper out; it was about what happened to Maeve. Tears threatened to spill down his face but he bit his lip. His sweet Maeve…

“Spencer?” Hotch asked from behind Reid.

“Yes?” Reid mumbled, not turning around.

“Come to my office. I want to talk to you for a few minutes.”

Reid followed his boss to his office and sat down in a chair across from the desk.

“What do you need, Hotch?” Spencer asked.

“I presume you’ve been having a hard time lately.”

“We’re not supposed to profile each other.” Reid muttered.

“This time it’s different though. Everyone’s worried about you.” Aaron said.

“I’m fine…” Reid trailed off as he turned to the side and sneezed twice into cupped hands. “Huh’PSH’iew!! Huh’PSH’iew!!!” He sniffled wetly afterward, noticing that his sinuses were starting to feel heavy.

“Bless you, Reid. Now another question. Are you feeling alright?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Reid, I want to take you back to your apartment. I’m going to stay with you for a little while. To make sure that you’re okay.” Hotch stated.

Spencer nodded, too exhausted to fight anymore.

TBC….

Edited March 8, 2016 by Sophie83540

[24Me]

*sighs happily* I love you-you wrote a CM fix! There's not enough on here! And the angst in the story is just awesome. Please continue!

[darkness-is-the-light]

Part 2

I hope you like this part. There's a mention of some self harm, but there's no actual self harm in it.

When they reached Reid’s apartment, Reid fumbled with his keys; trying to get the door open.

“Do you want me to open it?” Hotch asked, hoping Reid would let him help.

“No, I’m fine. I can do it.” Moments later Spencer finally opened the door.

Hotch walked inside and almost immediately noticed all of Reid’s books scattered on the floor. Seeing that the bookcase was completely empty. “Spencer, what happened?”

“With what?”

“Your books.” Aaron clarified.

“Umm… I kind of got angry…” Spencer trailed off.

“Why didn’t you tell me this was going on?”

“I-I- Huh’PSH’iew!! Huh’PSH’iew!!! I didn’t want to bother you.” Reid said quietly.

“Reid, why would you think that?” Hotch asked.

“Because you’d think I was overreacting.”

“Why?”

“You lost your wife. I lost a woman that I’d never met until the last few minutes.” Spencer muttered, once again becoming angry with himself.

“You cared for Maeve. You would have given your life up for her. It doesn’t matter how long you knew her.”

“But I also was the reason why she got killed. In the last few minutes of her life all she saw was me being a selfish jerk. I could’ve been more believable with Diane. But no. Only because I cared more about myself!” Reid snapped.

“It wasn’t your fault. Diane would’ve tried to hurt Maeve one way or another. Nothing would be able to get through to her.” Hotch kept his voice calm.

“It was! Why don’t you understand that?!” Spencer yelled. The yelling caused a coughing fit that seared his throat. He was soon crying too, gasping for air.

“Spencer, calm down.” Aaron moved to place a hand on Reid’s arm but he smacked it away quickly.

“No, don’t touch me. I don’t deserve your pity.” Spencer muttered bitterly.

“You deserve someone to help you.” Hotch said.

“No, I don’t. I’m just as bad as an Unsub.”

“You’re not. Why can’t you understand that?” Aaron asked.

“No, Aaron. You don’t.” Reid spit back coldly.

“Spencer-“

“Don’t” Reid quickly walked off to his room, slamming the door and locking it.

Spencer slid down the door and sank to the floor. He slammed his fist on the floor and broke into a harsh sob. His body shaking violently with built up emotion. Why couldn’t Hotch understand how he felt? Why couldn’t understand the guilt that plagued Reid’s body?

Hotch sat on the couch in the living room. He placed his head in his hands and sighed. It was going to be difficult to get through to Reid. He was grieving, sick, and felt like no one understood him. Aaron decided to give his agent a while to collect himself and try to think clearly.

Hours later Reid fell asleep, too exhausted to function properly. Hotch tried knocking on the door, but there was no response. He assumed that would happen. But he soon heard quiet snoring come from the other side of the door.

Aaron decided this would be the time to try and clean up Spencer’s mess. He put all of Reid’s books back on the bookcase, in alphabetical order (The way Reid liked it). Plus he searched around the rest of the apartment, seeing if there was anything else that had happened. Hotch soon made his way to the bathroom.

On the counter was a razor blade. It looked as if it was kept there everyday. What scared Hotch the most was the thought of Reid contemplating whether or not to do physical damage to himself. Aaron picked up the blade and tossed it in the garbage. Only hoping that Reid wouldn’t remember that he had it in the first place.

Soon after, Hotch went back into the living room. He sat thinking about what he saw. Realizing that he hadn’t done enough to protect Reid. He hadn’t been a good enough friend because he was too busy being the boss instead.

Suddenly, three harsh sneezes took Hotch out of his thoughts. “Huh’PSH’iew!! Huh’PSH’iew!! HUH’PSSH’iew!!!!” Hotch walked over toward the bedroom door and knocked lightly. “Spencer, please open the door.” But the only response he got was three more harsh sneezes. “Huh’PSH’iew!! HUH’PSH’iew!!! HUH’PSSH’iew!!!!”

“Bless you, Spencer. Please open the door.” Aaron begged.

He then heard the lock click and the door opened opened, revealing a pale Spencer Reid. “What do you want?” Spencer mumbled quietly.

“I want to talk. I’m sorry I made you upset earlier. I didn’t mean to.” Hotch apologized.

“It’s ok,” Reid whispered, understanding that his boss’s apology was sincere.

“Please come out here.” Reid followed Hotch into the living room. They both sat on the couch, facing each other.

“Spencer, I want you to understand that I care about you. Everyone does. None of us would ever try to hurt you. If we have then please tell us.”

“I know you wouldn’t.” Reid said.

“Then that means that you could tell us if something was bothering you. Or even if you need help with your grieving process. Spencer, we all know what it’s like to lose someone. We can help you get through this. But you need to come half way first. You need to do your part first by saying that there’s a problem. Do you think you’re able to do that?” Hotch asked.

Reid nodded slightly. Though he didn’t like the idea of being a burden. “But I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Reid, you’d never be a burden. It’s better that you talk about your emotions instead of keeping them bottled up inside where you can do more damage to yourself.”

“But then why do you keep your feelings to yourself.” Reid bit his lip nervously, afraid of how Hotch would respond.

“Spencer, this isn’t about me.”

“Huh’PSH’iew!! Huh’PSSH’iew!!! I sorry for asking.” Reid whispered, sniffling wetly.

Aaron stood up and grabbed the tissue box from the bathroom and handed it to Reid. Spencer blew his nose quietly. “Bless you. Reid it’s alright.”

There was a long silence that took over the room. The only noise that was heard was Spencer’s occasional sniffles. Then Reid said, “I can’t stop feeling like I’m like an Unsub.”

“That’s a usual response to an event like this. But all you need to realize is that you tried to help. One of the last things she saw was you caring for her.”

“Do you still feel bad about what happened to Haley?” Reid asked.

“Of course I do. But I’m not going to let it ruin me because she knows that I loved her and would’ve done anything to protect her and Jack.” Aaron confessed.

“Will this feeling ever go away?”

“I don’t know, Spencer.” Hotch glanced at the clock on the wall, noticing that it was eleven. “I think you should try and get some more sleep. It will do you good.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to stay here and sleep here on the couch.”

“You don’t need to.” Reid said.

“Reid.” Hotch said firmly.

“Fine,”

“Good night, Spencer.”

“Good night,” Reid replied.

TBC…

[Amberlight24]

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo I LOVE THIS!!!! Poor Reid! And Hotch is so sweet to him!!! Looking forward to more!

[matilda3948]

Sick Reid and caretaking Hotch is one of my absolute favorite things. This is so sweet!

[darkness-is-the-light]

Part 3

I think this will be the last chapter of this story. I’ve had a great time writing it. I hope you like this part! Also, there’s not that much “fetish” stuff in this part because I’m focusing on feelings and pulling everything together. (Sorry!)

Spencer thrashed violently at the figure in front of him, yelling for the force to stop. Soon enough Reid was shrieking in panic, waking Hotch from his sleep. He rushed into

Spencer’s room to find him still asleep, and in the middle of a nightmare. Hotch shook Reid’s shoulders and called his name. Reid jerked awake, eyes darting around his room wildly.

The dark room scared him even more. He felt like he was alone (Reid couldn’t really see Hotch in the dark). Spencer’s eyes filled with tears that ran down his face quickly.

“Spencer,” Hotch called gently, “It’s ok,”

“Hotch?” Reid asked.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“I can’t handle this.” Reid confessed.

“Yes, you can.” Aaron assured.

“I don’t know how to.”

“It takes time. One day you’ll wake up and you won’t feel pain anymore. Everything will be alright.”

“Are you sure?” Reid asked, sounding like a child.

“I’m sure.” Hotch promised.

“When will these things stop happening? First my childhood, then Emily ‘dying’, and now Maeve.” Spencer tried to suppress the oncoming tears, but they were too strong. They spilled down his face.

“No one can really control these things from happening.”

“I’m scared.” Spencer whimpered.

“Of what?” Hotch asked.

“That someone else on the team will be gone too.” Reid whispered.

“We all go into everything with our game face on. We know what we have to do and pray that it will turn out alright. But sometimes that doesn’t happen. But you know I do everything in my power to keep everyone safe.” Aaron explained.

“Are you scared of losing someone?” Spencer asked quietly.

“Of course I am. I don’t to see anyone get hurt.” Reid had a slight expression of shock on his face. “What, Reid?”

“I just never thought you cared that much.”

Hotch felt his heart sink. Did everyone on his team think that way of him? That he didn’t care? He was torn out of his thoughts when he heard Spencer inhale a sharp breath and sneeze twice. “Huh’PSH’iew!! Huh’PSSH’iew!!!” The sneezes were followed by some coughing.

“Bless you,”

“Thanks,” Reid whispered.

“Spencer, I’ll always care about my team. No matter what.”

“I’m sorry,” Reid apologized quietly.

“For what?”

“Saying that you didn’t care. I shouldn’t have, it was none of my business."

“Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong, you expressed your feelings to me.” Hotch assured, though the words stung no matter what.“Thank you for this.”

“It’s no problem. You should’ve came to me in the first place though. It does help to talk to someone. If you don’t, the feelings will eat you alive.”

“I know. But from now on I won’t hide anything, for my own sake.” Reid said.

“I hope you won’t.” Aaron replied.

[Amberlight24]

Awwwwwwwwwwwww so very sweet! Thank you so much for writing this! I loved it!