Code Geass: "The Bad Joke With the Better Punchline"

[Mei]

I...I don't have a good excuse for this. What did I just write? Clearly I have...problems with Euphemia. Not as a character, I actually think she's a lot more interesting and complex than people give her credit for. But if there was an award for "You do not understand politics", she and Suzaku would tie for first place. So...yeah, this started as a discussion of everything wrong with Euphemia and Suzaku's ideas and methods with a friend, somehow got drawn into "My last two stories were pretty similar, I should try writing something different", and turned into...this. SPOILERS FOR THE FIRST SEASON; if you have seen the first season, and love the drama and tragedy of THAT episode, um...I'm sorry?

“You couldn’t make me shoot you, Lelouch!” Euphemia smiled at him like he was teasing her.

“Of course I could.” Lelouch grinned, spreading his hands dramatically while his half-sister giggled. “I could order you to do anything I wanted you to. Or even believe anything! I could tell you ‘I am pregnant’, or ‘Rain is made of chocolate’, or ‘You’re allergic to Japanese people’, and you would have to-”

Lelouch stopped abruptly as a red light flared around Euphemia’s eyes. Slapping a hand to his eye, he stared at her in shock.

After a second, the princess blinked and giggled again. “’Rain is made of chocolate’? That sounds nice, but I think it would be horrible for the plants!” When her half-brother didn’t answer her, she cocked her head to the side. “Lelouch?”

Lelouch slowly lowered his hand from his face, eyes remaining locked on hers; sharp, considering, and calculating. After a moment, a close-mouthed smile slipped across his face, much different from the gentle one he had showed earlier. “You know, Princess, I do believe we’ve kept the people waiting too long. I’m certain the Japanese citizens are eager to begin the ceremony.”

At the word “Japanese”, Euphemia’s nose twitched slightly. Lelouch’s eyes caught it.

His smile widening, he picked up his mask and settled it firmly over his head. “Let’s go out and greet them, shall we? The hundreds of new citizens of Japan out there.”

Euphemia was oblivious to her nose twitching again as she smiled happily at Zero and swept eagerly from the room. The masked vigilante stepped carefully behind her.

***

The Britannian soldiers tensed noticeably as they re-entered the arena, but as the princess appeared unharmed and pleased with the talks and Zero seemed to be following her casually, they backed away and allowed Euphemia to take center stage. The young woman was nearly running as she approached the edge of the stage, and she threw out her hands and beamed at the faces looking up at her. “Those of you who are called Elevens” She called out, voice amplified over the speakers. “Those of you who were once called Japanese! You have faced many hardships since the loss of that title. But today, Zero and I” she gestured backwards, turning and beckoning towards the masked figure who standing at the far back of the stage. He took a few steps in her direction, and she whirled back to face her audience, hand brushing her long pink hair out of her face as a light breeze played with the strands “are so happy to open the Special Administration Zone; a place where you can build your own lives! Where you ca-ahn-” she faltered for a moment, giving a light, discrete cough “live as you once did. Where you needn’t fear discrimin- discriminaahhtion, injustice, orhah!” Euphemia covered her lower face with a delicate white hand, sniffling and then blushing when the microphone she wore broadcasted the sound. “Injustice” she continued firmly, “or inequality. A place of peace, where you may live a life of hahaHATSHIEW!”

The girlish, high-pitched sneeze rang out sharply over the speakers, and Eupemia turned pink again as she fumbled a delicate pink lace handkerchief out of her waistline, dabbing gently at her nose. “Your pardon.” She said, embarrassed, clearing her throat and raising her voice again. “Where you may live a life of happiness, in a home where you may freely call yourselves Ja-ah-hah-hah-HAH-HAHTSHIEW! HatSHIU! Ah-” Euphemia clapped the handkerchief to her face, two tears trickling out of the corners of the lavender eyes she had squeezed shut. She panted lightly, breaths audible over the sound system.

Shocked murmuring was beginning to rise from the crowd, and the guards were looking more and more tense. An aide approached the princess, whispering urgently; she opened her eyes (those watching the viewscreen could see the hint of redness to them; two members of the audience could see the hint of red around the iris) and shook her head, waving him away. She took the pink handkerchief away from her face, dabbing again at her nose, which twitched and scrunched up at the touch, looking almost as pink as the lace. She looked out at the hundreds of faces of Elevens, and her breath hitched noticeably again.

“Again, your…your pardon. Aah…a home where you may freely…freely-” her eyes squinted and her mouth dropped open slightly as her breathing grew steadily heavier and quicker. “…freely caahahAHll yourselves JaahahAHAHAHTSHIEW! HahtSHU! HahaHAAAATSHIEW!” The last sneeze was practically shrieked over the system, and several people winced or clapped their hands over their ears. Euphemia’s delicate bit of lace was now useless, as the hand holding it was dropping slowly back to her side. The feathers on her bodice trembled along with her body as she built up to another fit, her tortured nose (now color-coordinated with the rest of her) tilting higher. She took one last, tear-filled look at her Japanese audience, and then her eyes slammed shut.

“ah-hah-hah-hah-hahTSHU! Hatshuw! HAH-hah-hah-hah-HAHTshiEW! Hah…HAH…hahHAH.” Squeaky gasps echoed over the arena as some guards began giving orders and some Elevens began looking towards the gate fearfully. “hahHAHTSHIEW! Hatshiew- hatshiew- hah-HAHTSHU! Hahhahhah-HAH-HAH-HAHhahHAHTSHEW! HAH…hahtSHIEW!” Euphemia stumbled forward a few steps, gasping for breath and reaching out a hand to the crowd. “Pleh…hahtshiew!...please…I…ah…ahhahatshu! hah…HAHTSHII!” She jerked forward with the last, high-pitched sneeze, stepped forward again-

And promptly fell off the stage.

***

C.C. entered the bedroom with her pizza box, already chewing on a slice topped with garlic chicken and greek olives. Lelouch was leaning back against the headboard with his computer on his lap, which made her pause; usually he was sitting straight-backed at his desk, typing furiously, allowing her to commandeer the entire bed. She stared him down, but he remained engrossed with whatever he was watching on the screen. Grinning somewhat creepily. Sighing, she made her peace with sharing the bed and jumped on, sprawling next to him.

“HAHTSHIEW!” Sneezed Lelouch’s laptop.

C.C. glanced over, eyebrow raised, to see a video of the Britannian princess blushing and holding a pink lace hanky to her nose.

“They’re calling her Princess Allergy.” Lelouch remarked, grin still in place as he watched his half-sister hitch her way to another sneeze. “Also, Hakushon-Hime.”

C.C. lifted the slice above her head so she could catch the dripping cheese in her mouth. “If you’re going to use your Geass to satisfy your weird tastes, you could at least get the local Pizza Hutt to send me free pizzas.”

“Since I’m the one paying for those pizzas, it hardly matters to you whether they’re free or not, Witch. And I did not do this on purpose, a fact which we will be discussing after this.” Lelouch tapped a few keys, and chuckled. “The Censorship Bureau has already removed the one-hour replay someone posted. Luckily I already downloaded that.”

Chewing slowly, C.C. watched the pink-haired princess’s scrunched, tortured face as she hitched repeatedly. “ah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-”

“You prefer this to getting shot, I see.”

Lelouch rested his chin on his hand, violet eyes intense on Euphemia’s flushed nose twitching on a technologically-induced loop. “Zero has single-handedly frozen the construction of the SAZ, negotiated a cease-fire so the Japanese could leave unhindered after Euphemia managed to sneeze herself unconscious, turned public opinion back towards the Black Knights, and managed all this without a single casualty.”

“hahtSHIEWSHIEWSHIEWSHIEWSHIEWSHIEWSHIEWSHIEWSHIEWSHIEWSHIEW-”

“Except for my silly little sister, of course.” Lelouch stretched his arms behind his head after adjusting the volume higher. “Yes, I much prefer this. I’ve also managed to destroy any chance of Euphemia ever taking part in politics again. I don’t think they’ll even consider her for a marriage alliance now. The royals will write her off as a lost cause, and she’ll be sent back to school to do as she likes. Cornelia should be sending me a fruit basket.”

The immortal woman shrugged and began gnawing on her crust, listening to Lelouch laugh maniacally as Euphemia repeatedly fell off the stage in instant replay.

***

“Euphie?”

The glass cover slid back, and Cecile removed the breathing mask from the princess’s face before ushering Lloyd out of the room. Itchy, red-rimmed eyes focused wearily on Suzaku’s face, and a pale hand rose up weakly. Suzaku took it and leaned forward.

“Suzaku…the Special Administration Zone Ceremony…how was it?”

The young knight blinked. “Euphie…you don’t remember anything?”

Euphemia gazed at him, seeming confused. “The Japanese people…were they happy?” Her nose twitched lightly at the word, and she sniffled.

“They…” Suzaku hesitated, not quite sure what he should say, or how he should tell her what happened. “They were…”

“Suzaku…aren’t you also…Jaah-hah-HAHTSHIEW!”

***

“And then she sneezed in my face!” Suzaku wailed, staring remorsefully at his teacup.

Lelouch took a delicate sip from his own cup. “I hope you washed it after.”

Suzaku groaned, burying his hands in his hair and tugging. “I’ve been formally removed as her personal knight, since all she does is sneeze when I come near her. She’s ordered me not to accept the dismissal, but how can I stay around her if I cause her pain? And she’s being sent back to Pendragon tomorrow, so we don’t really have a chance to find a way around this.”

Lelouch smiled lightly. Cornelia had decided that her sister had developed a sudden allergy to an abundant, native plant, and was shipping Euphemia back home immediately. Euphie, his sources had informed him, was not happy with the death of her pet project or her removal as sub-viceroy. His sources also confirmed that just yesterday she had tried jumping out of a third-story window, and broke her leg. No doubt this was behind the abruptness of her departure. The forgotten prince nibbled on one of the shortbread cookies he had baked earlier, savoring the taste. Life was sweet.

“Damn that Zero!”Suzaku shouted suddenly, slamming his fist on the table and rattling the dishes. “I don’t know what he did, but-”

“Suzaku.” Lelouch replied in his dry I’m-being-patient-with-you-because-you-are-an-idiot voice. “I know you don’t like Zero’s methods, but how on earth do you plan to blame him for Euphie’s allergies? Are you accusing him of somehow causing them with his magical sneeze-inducing powers?”

“He took advantage of the situation!” Suzaku insisted stubbornly.

Lelouch raised an eyebrow. “He took control over the situation.” He responded patiently. “And managed to keep the Japanese people from being shot by very nervous guards who weren’t receiving orders now that their allergic princess was unconscious. And if you’re referring to the speech he gave afterwards, you can hardly blame him for refusing to consider working with the SAZ. Under Euphemia, there was only a chance it was a trap for him.” Suzaku opened his mouth angrily to defend his princess’s intentions, but Lelouch smoothly cut him off. “If the project was continued under Schneizel or Cornelia, neither of whom have offered to continue it, I might add, it would most definitely be a trap for him. And doesn’t the United States of Japan sound exactly like what Euphemia was trying to build herself? Shall we assume you are just blaming him for being successful where she failed, then?”

Suzaku deflated, head sinking down to rest on his chest. “I just…she was the only one who understood. And now that I’m losing her, I…I don’t know what to do.”

Lelouch leaned forward, and took the other boy’s hand. When Suzaku glanced up, Lelouch smiled sympathetically at him. “Oh, Suzaku. Haven’t I been your friend for years?”

“Yes, of course.” Suzaku raised his head and blinked at him.

“Aren’t we still here for you? Nunnally and I?”

“I know.” Suzaku turned his hand over and squeezed Lelouch’s elegant, long-fingered one. “I know that.”

“You may have lost a princess.” Lelouch caught and held his friend’s green eyes, staring meaningfully at him. “But there’s another princess here- an injured princess, who is very much in danger- that needs a strong knight to protect her.”

(Yeah, Idon'tevenknow-)

[Melody]

OH MY GOD I AM LITERALLY DYING OVER HERE! I WANTED A CG FIC ON HERE FOR SO LONG... U ARE AWESOME FOR WRITING THIS I LOVE IT TRULY I LOVE YOUR WRITING STYLE

[Vongola Undicesimo]

I feel bad for laughing at this, considering the actual episode, but... ohmygod this was hilarious!