New York (A "Cabin Pressure" Fic)

[MyOwnPrivateSFC]

Title: New York

Author: myownprivatesfc

Fandom: Cabin Pressure

Wordcount: 948

Rating: G

Characters: Martin Crieff, Douglas Richardson, Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, Arthur Shappey

Pairing(s): none

Genre: Humor

Warning(s): unbetaed

Beta(s): none

Notes: 1) As this is only my second (I think?) time posting a fic, please let me know if I've done anything wrong, and/or could do anything better. 2) For those not familiar with the series, "Cabin Pressure" is a radio comedy; therefore, I have chosen to write this fic (who am I kidding: it wrote itself!) in script, rather than prose, format. My apologies to those who, like me, prefer the prose style.

Feedback: Here, please, or on LJ. They're the places I'm most likely to see it in a timely fashion. As to type, all comments/compliments/complaints/questions accepted; all constructive criticism doubly so.

Disclaimer: None of the characters named (nor GERTI, even though she isn't) belong to me; they all belong to the wonderful, brilliant John Finnemore...who I hope, for both his own sake and mine, never stumbles across this (though, to be fair, there aren't any of those pesky pairings he once mentioned).

Summary: It is, as usual, Arthur's fault.

This Week: New York!

[bing-bong]

“Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to MJN Air, flight…oh, bugger, what flight is this again, anyway? Oh, well. In any case, your crew today is made up of our illustrious captain, Sir Martin Crieff; myself, First Officer Douglas Richardson; our lovely stewardess…er, owner and CEO, Carolyn Knapp-Shappey; and our ever-useless—ah, useful—cabin boy, Arthur Shappey. Our flight time today will be somewhat longer than one might expect, unless of course we make an emergency landing somewhere, in which case it will likely be shorter. From all of us here at MJN Air, may I say—”

“DOUGLAS!”

“Yes, Carolyn?”

“What have I told you about giving cabin addresses on cargo flights?”

“Hmm…many, many things, most likely. What in particular did you have in mind?”

“Never mind. I’ll send Arthur up with lunch for you two as soon as we get over the Atlantic. I assume you two ARE planning on taking us over it, or have you found some new and extravagant way to get us from London to New York without? Round the east way, perhaps, so you can have a bit of a stopover in Maui.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Carolyn. If we were going to do such a thing—and God knows, our dear captain would never allow it—it would be Bali. Beautiful beaches, all sorts of goods, and every kind of boy, girl, and other a man could hope for. We might even find one to suit Martin!”

“I heard that.”

“Oh, how fortunate! Our beloved Sir has not yet lost his hearing! So rare in a man of…what, thirty-four?

“Thirty-three.”

“I see. Well, I suppose there’s time yet. Did you need anything else, Carolyn?”

“Only a working airplane and a functional staff, and Lord knows I’m not going to get those here. I’d better go see to Arthur; Lord knows what he’s been doing with your food.”

***plane sound***

“Hello, gents! Lunchtime!”

“Oh, goody.”

“Thank you, Arthur.”

“You’re welcome, Skip! Here we go: Shepherd’s Pie and Chicken Pot Pie!”

“Well…”

“Ah…”

“Sir, as Captain, I believe you should get to choose.”

“Thank you, Douglas, but I think it’s your turn.”

“No, sir, I insist.”

“Really.”

“Absolutely! Arthur, give the captain his choice.”

“Of course! Which one would you like, Skip?”

“Oh…uh…oh, that one, I suppose.”

“Good choice!”

“I’ll have the other, then.”

“Even better!”

“Of course. Well, thank you, Arthur, we’ll just be—”

“Wait!”

“What? Oh, please tell me these aren’t the real meals; that—”

“No, Douglas, I mean, of course they are, I just thought you fellows might like a bit of a surprise.”

“Oh, dear.”

“Oh, no.”

“Oh, yes! Look! Herbs! I bought them all by myself! Two different bottles, so you both can have some!”

“Arthur, how…thoughtful.”

“Yes, Arthur, thanks. I think will try some.”

“Here you go, Skip!”

***breaking glass***

***coughing and choking***

“koff…Thank you, Arthur.”

“Yes, Arthur. I…ahem! I think that will do.”

“No problem, chaps!”

“koff…koff…Ihhtchu!”

***plane sound***

“Ihhtch! Tch!”

“God bless you. Is Sir feeling alright?”

“Ttch! Thank you, I’m fine. I think a bit of Arthur’s herbs got up my…up my nose.”

“Ah. Well, nothing to worry about then. They at least seemed to be the type sold in Tesco’s.”

“…Seem to be?”

“No, Martin. I was, in fact, only joking. They were, clearly, entirely legal herbs of the sort found every day on things like pizza and fish.”

“…”

“Martin?”

“...”

“Martin?”

“…heh-tch! Itshh! Isshu!”

“God bless you!”

"Duh...huh...Douglas, I am placing you in command of this flight."

"I think not! If you recall, we flipped a coin and, if you also recall, I won,

as I always do, meaning that I got to take the outbound flight, while you, dear

captain, took the return one. A slight nuisance for you, as it turns out, but

clearly fortuitous for me."

"Re...ehh...ehESHuh! Regulations state that ihhh...if one pilot ihh...is…ihh...ind...ihh..."

"Gesundheit."

"Ihh-ISHUH! Indisposed, the other must take control. I am indisposed. That's

all. Now would you plea...heee...eeSHUH! Would you please take control?"

"Oh, all right! Though perhaps Sir, if he is not going to fly the plane, could

go and relax in the passengers' cabin? Seeing as we haven't any at the moment,

and I'm sure Carolyn would agree with me that you would do better to sneeze all

over their equipment than ours."

"But I...I..."

"Yes, you, you, who are not of any use this way...oh, bugger...CAROLYN!"

"Hello, Douglas! Mum says to ask you what it is you want, and also why it can't

wait until she's had a bottle of wine...oh, and hello, Skip! I didn't mean to

ignore you, I just wanted to tell Douglas what Mum said before I forgot...hmm,

now, what was it again? Oh, yes, Douglas, she said--"

"Yes, thank you, Arthur, I've got it. Could you please ask your mother to come

up here for a moment. Thank you very much."

"Sure thing, Douglas. G'bye, Skip!"

***plane sound***

“Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of MJN Air, I’d like to thank you for flying with us today. In addition, our distinguished pilot, Captain Martin Crieff, would also like to say thank you.”

“Cub off it, Douglas. It’s just us, ad it’s dot fuddy.”

“ ‘Fuddy’ it may not be, but ‘funny’, it certainly is. Now say ‘thank you’ to the nice people.”

“Doe.”

“You do realize that you sound even more ridiculous arguing than you would simply saying ‘thank you’ to a pair of people who couldn’t care in the slightest?”

“…”

“Sir?”

“…Thak you for flyig Eb-Jay-Ed Air. I hope you had a good flight.”

“Very good, Captain. Now, shall we see if Carolyn can find you some Benadryl?”

“Ishh!”

Next week: Oslo!

[VoOs]

I. Cannot. Stop. Smiling.

Oh, this is perfect. Perfect, I say. If it wasn't for the... *happy sigh*... indisposed captain, one could have taken this fic for a part of one of Finnemore's scripts. We should send it to him and hope he finds it...inspiring.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!!!

Edited August 9, 2013 by VoOs

[MyOwnPrivateSFC]

I...

I...

...

You seem to have done the impossible: you've stricken me silent.

I hope you will understand when I say that I am overwhelmed with gratitude at your comments, and so will need a little bit of time to reel my brain back in enough to properly respond to this.

Until then,

[Heathcliff]

I haven't spent much time around the stories recently, and I missed this one... glad I've seen it now, because I love Cabin Pressure, and it's great to see some SFF people getting into it! (Although I know the presence of Mr Cumberbatch helps )

I enjoyed this fan-script; I could just picture the voice of each actor reading their respective parts, which (in my opinion) is the sign that you did a great job. I hope you will consider writing some more Cabin Pressure fanfics. Also- we should have more sneezy fan radio scripts! They're fun, aren't they?

[HoneyBunny]

Holy moly! How did I miss this the first time round? So glad it got bumped up again!

I absolutely love Cabin Pressure, in fact it's all I've been listening to for the past few months, and you have no idea how badly I needed a CP sneezefic!

This is sooo freaking funny and you captured the tone of the show perfectly: I love how you didn't put the character's names before the dialogue but I still immediately knew who's talking.

Douglas's announcement is just perfect and I LOL'd at the "Sir has not yet lost his hearing" part.

Also guhhh Martin's sneezes and his speech getting interrupted and him having to give up his precious supreme command of the vessel because he is indisposed... I really hope you'll consider writing more Captain Crieff!

Edited November 26, 2013 by HoneyBunny

[LeapYearKisses]

I, as well, must state my regret for missing this when it was first posted! This is absolutely fantastic. You've got everyone down so well that I read it in their voices going along. Poor Martin, but lucky, lucky us! I have wanted to here him sick for so very long. He does seem the unlucky type. (Actually, for the whole of Uskerty I was hoping he'd catch something...) Thank you so much for this delightful piece!

[stargazer]

I've just started listing to this show this week at work. I was definitely surprised to see a fic here for it. What a great find on my part. I can totally see this as an episode. Great job!

[tma]

Isn't it *awesome*??!! This was brilliant!! I *adore* myownsfc and this story. I think that there are two more on here. One by me and the other by the lovely and talented VoOs.