Nation, I am sick: behind Stephen Colbert's sick episode

[Dutchgirl]

Aww. Poor Stephan. He must feel very bad. But I like that ;-)

[anikadicara]

***

“Arriving at home, on left,” the GPS announced in its cool female voice. They were on a wide, quiet suburban street, and Elise wasn’t sure which house she was supposed to pull into. Stephen was asleep. She pulled over and tapped his shoulder gently.

“Stephen?” she said softly.

“Hmm?”

“We’re here. Sort of. Which house is yours?”

Stephen opened his eyes and brought his seat upright, with a groan. “Sorry I fell asleep,” he said groggily.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said. “You’re sick.”

“By house is that ode,” he said, indicating the house across the street. “You cad park id the driveway.”

Elise pulled the car into the driveway and shut it off, handing Stephen the keys. She got out and took her backpack out of the backseat, but Stephen didn’t get up. Elise walked to the other side of the car and opened his door, and saw that his was about to sneeze.

“huhRUSHHoo!” He kept one hand over his nose as he fumbled with the tissue box in his lap. He gave his nose a loud blow before apologizing to Elise. “I’b sorry.”

“It’s really really fine,” she said emphatically. “I’ve got your bag.”

“Thag you.”

Stephen fumbled with the keys a bit at the front door; Elise could see that his hands were trembling a little bit with chills. She felt for him, but her tank top was sticking to her sweaty back and she couldn’t help but think it might be nice to be cold for a little while.

Stephen swung open the door. “Ladies first,” he joked.

"Hello?" Evie called when she heard the door slam. She thought for a moment about throwing on a light t-shirt or some pants over her shorts and tank top, as she knew they had company (Stephen had briefly explained Elise's situation over the phone), but couldn't bear the thought in the sweltering heat. She set down her book on the kitchen table and went into the living room to greet them.

Elise set her backpack against the wall and took in the huge but cozy living room. It was impeccably decorated, but not in the museam-y way of way that she'd seen in her rich classmates' instagram pictures. More like a pottery barn catalog, all earth tones and wicker and pillows.

"Hi," she said when Evie entered.

"Hello, you must be Elise," she said warmly, pulling Elise in for a hug. "I'm so glad you're here, sorry I'm not more dressed."

"Thanks. And no it's fine, it's like ridiculously hot outside."

"Crazy weather, isn't it?"

"I know, yeah."

"Can I get you anything? Water? Juice? A bucket of ice to pour over your head?"

Elise laughed and shook her head. Evie was friendly, and didn't seem at all put off or confused about her presence. She wondered how much Stephen had told her. "Thanks."

"I at least want to get you some water, let's go in the kitchen. How are you doing?" she asked Stephen, walking over to him and kissing his forehead. "You're burning up. Let me get you some Motrin," she said, leading the way into the kitchen.

"Thags, Ev," Stephen sniffled, following her with Elise trailing behind awkwardly.

"and some tissues, you sound awful. Do you still feel nauseus?"

"Haven’t for a while, but a little bit dow," he said. "But bostly I’b cold."

"That's the fever," said Evie confidently. "Motrin should help you."

In the kitchen Stephen took a seat at the table; Elise followed his example and sat across from him.

"I'b goig to be terrible compady," he said to her sadly.

"Are you kidding? You guys are awesome company. Like, I'd probably be sleeping in some bus station tonight if it wasn't for you."

"You never have to sleep in a bus station, you can always come here," said Evie kindly. "From now on, if you're ever feeling stuck, or just wanting to talk, you can just give me a call."

"Okay." Elise fidgeted a little bit. The awkwardness was hitting her like a wall, inpenetrable. Stephen leaned back in his chair with his eyes closed, massaging his temples, and Evie began searching through a cabinet. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Don’ worry about it, honey,” said Evie warmly, back still to Elise as she shuffled bottles and boxes of vitamins and medicine around. “You probably don’t remember me, but I knew your parents too. Before you were born,” she said, finally locating the Motrin and turning around.

“We were talkig about Keith’s pizza,” said Stephen, opening his eyes and turning to Evie. “Rebember how we’d leave pizza id the ovid overnight?”

“For days,” Evie laughed at the memory, while filling two glasses of water at the refrigerator. “He never thought it went bad.”

“He kept doing that,” said Elise, happy to have something to talk about. “I remember it, when I little. I actually didn’t find out you were supposed to refrigerate old pizza until, like, middle school.”

Stephen laughed, which turned into a cough. Evie handed him a glass of water and a Motrin tablet, and set the second glass in front of Elise as she said “He was a character.”

“I wish I remembered more,” she said, taking a sip. “Thanks.”

“Do you remember his singing voice?” Evie asked.

“The opera singer voice!” Elise grinned.

“I really think he could’ve been one,” said Evie. “But he only liked to sing pop music.”

“He used to do this opera version of Don’t Stop-”

“Don’t. Stop. Thinkin’ about tomoooorowwww,” sang Evie in a imitation baritone.

“Don’t. Stop. It’ll soon be heeeee-eee-eee-rrre!” Elise joined in, delighted. Her spirits soared. She couldn’t believe this was happening, that she was in a beautiful suburban kitchen with two almost-strangers who knew her father’s singing, who could remember it with her.

“It’ll be he-” Stephen tried to chime in, but his voice cracked and then he leaned back in his chair and let out a sudden, monstrous sneeze that bent him in half. “HARUSSHHHHooo! Ugh, god.”

Evie and Elise both stopped singing and stared at him for a few seconds, before Evie burst out laughing. Elise couldn't help but chuckle a little, too.

"That," said Stephen, raising his head with a wry smile, "Was ibpeccible tibig." He kept one hand covering his nose, and Elise spied a box of tissues on the counter and got up to retrieve it for him. Evie was doubled over with laughter. Elise passed Stephen the tissue box, and he gratefully blew his nose. "Thag you," he said.

"Sure." She smiled at him, and they both looked at Evie, who was gasping for air.

"It wasd't that fuddy," said Stephen stuffily.

"It was," said Evie, taking a deep breath and wiping her eyes. "It was just so... pathetic..." she dissolved into laughter again, and put her head down on the table.

Stephen turned to Elise. "See how buch by wife loves be?" he grinned. "Uh oh..." His eyelids drooped as he reached for a tissue, breath hitching. He held it in front of his face and tilted his head back, waiting for a sneeze that didn't come. "Uhh, I hate that," he said, massaging his nose with the tissue. "Oh, wait for it..." his breath resumed hitching. Evie finally collected herself and raised her head in time to watch him pitch forward with four spectacular sneezes.

"HURUSHHHH! RUUSSSSHHHOO! USSHHOOO! IT-Chhhh!" Stephen pinched his nose shut with the tissue as he reached for a new one, placing it on top of the first and giving his nose a gurgly, congested blow. "Ugh," he groaned as he dropped the spent tissues on the table, massaging his throat.

"BLESS you," said Evie emphatically, reaching over to push his hair out of his face. "You really feel awful, don't you?"

Stephen nodded. "I've blowd by dose at least a hudred tibes today,"

"And how many opera songs have you butchered in the process?" Evie joked.

"Just the ode," he said, smiling a little.

"My dad would've appreciated the effort." Elise told him.

"So Elise, you're in college, right?" asked Evie.

"Yeah. I go to Vassar."

"How is it?"

"It's okay. Way better than high school," she said. "My friends are cool, the classes are pretty hard but I like having other people around to study with."

"Did it take you a long time to get to New York?"

"Not really, like three hours. There's a bus," she said. "I was going to take it back tonight, but-"

"But a sick guy offered you a gerby hobe ad you took it," said Stephen.

Elise laughed. "Yeah, I guess so. There's probably more germs on a bus, though. Your place seems pretty clean."

"I'm serious when I say you're always welcome here," said Evie. "I always regretted not keeping in touch with your mother. We weren't really friends, but I've wished for someone to remember Keith with. I wish we could've been there for you before this."

The way Evie said it, matter-of-factly without a trace of overdone emotion, made Elise believe it completely. For whatever reason, this couple wanted her.

"Thanks," said Elise awkwardly. "Really."

"You should cobe back for a weeked sobetime," said Stephen congestedly. "Whed I'b feelig well edough to socialize."

"Is that your not-so-subtle way of saying it's bedtime?" asked Evie, and Stephen laughed.

"Was that dot tactful?"

Evie patted his back, rolling her eyes at Elise.

"I'll go to bed now, it's late anyway," said Elise quickly.

"I did'd't bead I dod't wadt to talk to you," said Stephen. "It just seebs like all I cad do right dow is sdeeze."

"No, I know. I'd come back for a weekend, sure!" said Elise, realizing as she said it that it was true. Here was her shot at some real family life.

"Great," said Evie warmly. She reached for a tissue, and Elise saw that Stephen's breath was hitching again. He took the tissue from Evie and sneezed into it, more softly that before. He sounded exhausted.

"Chhh! ET-cxchhh!" he wiped his nose and looked up at the ceiling. "CHXXXshh!" After blowing his nose one more time, Stephen folded his arms on the table and rested his head in them. Evie turned to Elise.

"Bless you. I think that's our cue." Evie stood up, and Elise followed suit. Evie put a hand on Stephen's shoulder.

"Stephen? Time to go up," she said.

He raised his head, bleary-eyed. "I should say hi to the kids, at least," he croaked.

"They're at the Higgins'," said Evie. "Seemed like a good night for a group sleepover."

"You're the best." said Stephen, then, "Elise, I'b so sorry. Agaid."

"Don't be, again. I should be apologizing for not planning a way to get home," she said.

"Let's say nobody apologizes and we all go get a good night sleep," said Evie, stroking Stephen's back. He should up, gingerly, and leaned on Evie for support as she continued to talk to Elise. "I'm going to bring you some of Maddie's PJ's, I think they'll fit you. Follow us up to the guest room."

Elise retrieved her backpack from the living room and followed Evie and Stephen upstairs. Stephen went right to his bedroom, turning at the door to wish Elise good night.

"I'b glad we bet today, even though I wish I were healthier," he said. "We'll do this agaid, though. I want to hear everything about your dad."

"So do I," said Elise, smiling at him. "Thanks."

"Good dight." Stephen disappeared into the bedroom, and as he closed the door they could hear him sneeze again and groan. Evie shook her head, and led Elise to a guest room. It was a beautiful room - a comfy-looking queen bed with cream comforter, warm olive-colored walls, sheer white curtains and a vase of flowers on the nightstand. It was more grown up than any bedroom Elise had ever slept in.

"This is gorgeous," said Elise, and Evie smiled at her. "Thank you!" Make yourself at home, I'll be right back."

Elise dropped her bag on the floor and sat down on the bed. Her head was swimming. She loved Evie, already. Thoughts of weekends with Evie, laughing about her father and singing and sharing details about her life with a warm adult who cared flashed threw her mind. Maybe Evie was the mother that hers had never been able to be. And Stephen was intimidating, sure, but he was sick. Sick people always intimidated Elise, and behind it Stephen seemed like a genuinely nice guy. He'd brought her here, after all. She was elated.

Evie returned with some plaid pajama bottoms and and oversized T-shirt. She showed Elise to the bathroom, offered her water, and said to let her know if she needed anything.

"I don't know if Stephen's going to work tomorrow," said Evie, "But if he does, a car picks him up at quarter to nine. You can ride into the city with him. Otherwise I'll take drive you, our friend is taking the kids to camp in the morning."

"Thanks so much. For everything," said Elise, and Evie gave her a hug.

"I'm so glad you found us." When Evie released her, Elise saw that her eyes were shining. She felt a lump in her own throat.

"Me too. See you in the morning."

Evie left, closing the door behind her, and Elise pulled on the PJs and collapsed into the soft comfort of bed.

[anikadicara]

In celebration of today's news, what may or may not be the final part to this story. <3

****

Elise woke abruptly, confused for several seconds about her whereabouts. It was dark, still nighttime. She couldn’t see a clock anywhere. Her mouth was dry; the heat was on full blast and she was sweltering. She remembered turning down Evie’s offer to bring her water. Why had she done that? Oh well. She was an independant person. A college student. She could find the Colbert’s kitchen and get some water herself.

In the hallway, Elise could see a flickering light at the bottom of the stairs. She heard the television. Who was awake in the middle of the night?

“Hu-XCHH! KCHHoo! EtKSSHHH!” Oh.

Elise padded slowly down the steps, not wanting to startle Stephen. But there was no need; the sneezing didn’t stop, and when she poked her head into the living room she saw him fully absorbed in a sneezing fit. He was hunched over on the couch, elbows on his knees, sneezing desperately into what looked like a wad of fifty tissues. The Food Network played on mute.

“ETCXX! TCHHH! HeKXSHH! KSHH! KSHHH! HetTISHOO! Huh…” Elise watched, helpless, as Stephen lifted his head to stare at the ceiling, tissues still covering half his face. He gave up on stifling, apparently, as he pitched forward with the loudest, most drawn out sneeze Elise had ever heard in her life. “HuhKKSSSSSSXXXHHHooo! Uhhhhh….” Stephen groaned, still holding the tissues over his face, and flopped back against the couch. Elise stood frozen as Stephen massaged his nose through the tissues, eyes closed, continuing to groan and sniffle softlly.

“Stephen?” Elise whispered. He didn’t hear her. “Stephen?” she said more loudly.

His head snapped up.

“Elise,” he croaked. “Did I wake you?” He rubbed the fistful of tissues furiously over his nose as he spoke to her.

“No. I got thirsty, I was just getting water,” she gestured toward the kitchen.

“HUHSSHHCHOooo! HUTCHH! hutCHH! CHHH! HuhRUSHHOOO!” Stephen sneezed into his wad of tissues.

“Can I, um, get you anything?” Elise asked helplessly.

Stephen looked at her with watering eyes over his tissues, but couldn’t speak. “HEPTchhoo! HUTCHOO! HESHHOO! Huh..” he tilted his head back and squinted, irritated tears leaking out of his eyes and breath hitching. “HURRRETTTCHOO!”

“Bless you,” said Elise quietly, and it sounded so ridiculous that they both started laughing.

“Thadk you,” said Stephen, before finally wiping his nose with the wad of tissues and pulling out a few clean ones. Holding them over his nose he said, “I thidk that was fidally the ed, for dow.”

Elise watched as he blew his nose gently, unsure of what to do.

“I was getting some water, do you want some? Or like juice or something?”

“Sobe juice would be great, actually. Thadk you.”

Glad to be useful, Elise hunted through the kitchen cabinets until she found two glasses and a carton of grapefruit juice in the fridge. She poured juice for Stephen and water for herself, returning to the living room to find him trying to clean up the coffee table and the floor, which were peppered with used tissues.

“So dow that we’re both up,” he said, accepting the orange juice from Elise’s outstretched hand, “Let’s talk about your dad.”

Elise took a seat in an armchair beside the couch. “Sure. I mean, if you’re up for it.”

“Believe it or dot I’b feelig better, actually,” said Stephen, then apologized. “I’b sorry, except for this.” He pulled several tissues from the box and blew his nose harshly. “I’b eved grossing byself out,” he laughed.

“It’s fine,” Elise dismissed.

“How’d you get so bature? Your dad was a lot of great thigs, but bature wasd’t ode of theb,”

“What’d he do?” she asked hungrily.

“Pradks, bostly. He’d hide our stuff id the freezer, he’d pour out all the sugar ad replace it with salt - he loved that ode,” laughed Stephen, and paused for a minute as it turned to a cough. When he finished he sipped his orange juice, grimaced as it burned his throat, and continued. “He hated that I was bessy, ad I left clothes all over the floor, so ode day whed I was out he stapled all by clothes to the carpet. I didn’t realize it for albost a week, because I dever tried to pick theb up,” he grinned. His leaky eyes sparkled with delight.

Elise laughed. “We had this hamper, and it was wheels, and he used to dump out all the laundry and give me rides in it. I remember my mom yelling at him for it, once.”

“That souds... like Ke...keith,” said Stephen, pulling out a tissue and holding it to his nose. “HaaRUSHHH!”

“Bless you.”

“Sorry,” said Stephen, and he blew his nose. “This is exhaustig.”

“You should rest,” said Elise. “Are you supposed to do your show tomorrow?”

“I’ll be okay by toborrow, I cad tell,” said Stephen. “I wadted to ask you though,” he said, and paused. “Just, I want to know if you’re okay. You lost your dad, and I dow it was a log tibe ago but that’s really hard, ad it souds like you don’t have a place to talk about it.”

He looked at Elise, warm eyes straight into hers. And before she knew what was happening Elise was crying. “Sorry,” she said, wiping her eyes. “I don’t know why…”

Stephen passed her a tissue. “It’s okay to cry about it. I ab too.” Elise saw that he was. “This is a hard thig. You loved hib, ad he loved you, ad its okay to biss hib.”

Elise sat, trying to calm down, sipping her water.

“I wadt to hug you, but I’b gross ad sick,” said Stephen. Elise shook her head, and laugh-sobbed a little.

“You don’t need to be doing any of this,” she said. “I came to New York because I found that picture, and I thought you might’ve known him, and I just… I guess just wanted to know if that was true. And I like talking about him,” she said, and her voice broke again.

“I like talkig about hib too,” said Stephen. “Ad he was by fabily, id... col… college… ASHHoo!” He swiped another tissue and blew his nose impatiently. “I’b tryig to have a sweet bobedt ad by dose is ruidig it.”

Elise laughed. “Bless you.”

“Thadk you,” said Stephen. “I’m just sayig that ady daughter of Keith’s is by daughter too. You didn’t cobe askig for that, but here it is.”

“How would your real daughter feel about that?” asked Elise, joking.

“You’re just sarcastic edough for her, she’d love you,” said Stephen. “You should cobe back ad meet her sobetime this subber.”

“I’d like that,” said Elise, completely sincerely.

“Be too.” They sat in comfortable silence for a minute, sipping their water and orange juice, until Stephen set his glass down and sneezed suddenly, loudly. “HuhRRISSHHCCHXX! Uuhhh…” Elise passed him a tissue and he blew his nose, then lay down, defeated.

“You should rest,” said Elise.

Stephen laughed. “Thag you, doctor,” he said, in his best - but very congested - Patrick Stewart impression. Elise was delighted.

“You watch 80s Star Trek?”

“Of course,” said Stephen.

“Me too,” said Elise.

“Thed this is, definditely, the start of a beautiful fredship,” he said dramatically. For some reason Elise saluted.

“Yes it is. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Good dight.”

“‘Night.”

Elise took her water back upstairs, calmer and more at ease than she’d been when she went to bed the first time. She’d found a family that wanted her, and she wanted them back.

***

[matilda3948]

I almost never read RPFiction, but this one intrigued me and I have to say, WOW!! It's incredibly well written! Great job