Nation, I am sick: behind Stephen Colbert's sick episode

[anikadicara]

My main goal in writing this was to inspire others to write Stephen Colbert/Jon Stewart stories. Love those guys!

____

"Attention all passengers on Delta flight 6175 to New York, we are now boarding zones 2 and 3. Zones 2 and 3, you are welcome to board at this time."

Stephen Colbert stared at his laptop, eyes unmoving and unfocused. He hadn't gotten through any of Paul Krugman's latest column, and Paul was booked on his show tomorrow.

'Stephen?" Evie looked at him with concern.

"Hmm?"

"That's us."

"Oh. Sorry." He shut his laptop and looked up at his wife, who was holding his bag open for him. He slid the laptop in. "Thanks."

"Sure. You alright?"

"Yeah. Tired."

"We had a busy weekend."

Stephen grinned at her. "Fun, though."

"Always." Evie smiled back at him, and handed him his computer bag as she grabbed her purse and herded up their children. They'd spent a relaxing 4th-of-july weekend in Charleston, laying on the beach with their families and enjoying huge amounts of southern barbeque.

Stephen put his arm around his daughter as they walked toward the gate, but she shook it off immediately.

"Stop it, Dad, you're embarrassing me." Stephen rolled his eyes.

"How is that embarrassing?"

"Because. Everyone's looking." She was acting like a stereotype of a teenager, but Stephen had to admit she had a point. He tended to get curious looks, for being not famous enough to be recognized but enough to look familiar to everyone.

"Fine, fine." Stephen ruffled her hair, at which she shot him a death glare and sped up to walk with her brothers. Stephen caught Evie's eye, and Evie shrugged at him with a small smile. He shook his head, and noticed that it twinged a little bit. He was getting a headache.

Evie pulled out the family's boarding passes, and they stepped one by one past the desk. Stephen boarded last, and the desk agent gave him a broad grin. "Hey, Mr. Colbert! How ya' doing?"

"Fine, thank you," he said politely, with a smile.

"Love yer work," the agent said with a nod.

"Thanks, I love yours too." He laughed as Stephen walked onto the plane after his family. They stowed their carry-ons and the children sat in a row of three seats, Stephen and Evie behind them.

"You can have the window, you look like you need sleep," Evie offered.

"Thanks. I do," he agreed.

"How do you feel?"

"Fine. I'm just tired, getting a headache."

"That's why I asked, you're squinting."

"I'll be fine," he assured her.

"Okay. Sleep well." She kissed his cheek and pulled out a book, and Stephen leaned against the window and closed his eyes.

***

Stephen woke with a start, to an overwhelming tickle in his nose. Before he could even register what was happening, he pitched forward with a massive sneeze. "Hu-ITCHOO!" He hit his forehead against the seat in front of him, and his son whipped around and whined, "Dad, you always get mad when I kick your seat, why can you hit mine?"

"What?" he asked groggily.

"Payback," Evie answered for him, laughing a little. The young boy rolled his eyes and turned back around to his video game.

"You alright?" Evie asked Stephen, a trace of a grin still on her face.

"Uh, yeah." He took a deep breath, massaging his forehead. "Hope that doesn't leave a mark."

"Don't want to go to work tomorrow and explain a sneezing injury?"

"Not really." Stephen cleared his throat, noticing that it was a little scratchy. "Do we have water?"

"They came by with snacks before, but you were sleeping. Want some of my Dr. Pepper?"

"Sure." He sipped at it for a few minutes, but his head felt heavy from the headache and from hitting it on the plastic tray table. He handed the soda back to Evie, leaning on her and laying his head on her shoulder.

"Head hurt?" she asked.

"mmhmm."

"From when you hit it or a headache?"

"Headache."

She kissed his forehead, and he closed his eyes trying to fall back to sleep. It didn't work this time, though. His head was pounding and his throat hurt every time he swallowed. Eventually, Stephen sat up, opened his eyes and looked out the window.

"How long have we been flying?" he asked her.

"I'd guess an hour. Maybe an hour and a half," she said absentmindedly, engrossed in her book.

He looked down at the clouds below them, there was no way to tell where they were. One of the many things Stephen hated about planes. Tilting his head down brought back the tickle in his nose, and he raised his elbow to catch two sneezes. "HESSssho! Huh-ISHHoo!"

"Bless," said Evie, looking up from her book.

"Th - thaaAISHOO! Thanks." He wiped as his nose with a finger. "Do you have any tissues?"

Evie frowned. "I don't think so." She reached under her chair and rummaged around in her purse. "Nothing. Best I've got is the napkin from the Dr. Pepper."

"That's fine." Stephen took it from her and blew his nose softly. He noticed the curious college student in the aisle seat watching him. Holding up the napkin, Stephen gave her a smile and asked, "want to sell this on ebay?"

"No, thanks. Sorry." She turned red.

"It's fine. If you were all gross and germ-y, I'd be watching you too." The student laughed and gave him a small smile before re-focusing on her laptop.

"Do you feel sick?" Evie asked him with concern.

"I might be getting something, I don't feel great."

Evie sighed sympathetically. "You work too hard, this always happens when we go on vacation."

Stephen leaned into her. "Mmm," he nodded in agreement. "They're not gonna like this at work tomorrow."

[ID2006]

So....ummmm...yeah.... there definitely should be more of this *nods enthusiastically

[anikadicara]

More! Warning: some mention of vomiting. Nothing graphic, I promise! Also, here is the episode that inspired this story: http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/340744/july-05-2010/stephen-is-sick

***

By the time the plane landed. Stephen was miserable. He'd grown more congested as the flight went on, and during their descent his ear popped painfully. Now everything sounded muffled, his head felt full of cement, and he was sneezing into the tattered napkin with increasing frequency. He let Evie drive home, closing his eyes and trying to tune out their kids' bickering in the back seat. He changed into sweatpants and a sweater (the house felt unseasonably chilly) and collapsed into bed, skipping dinner in favor of a nap.

It was almost 2 am when Stephen awoke. He shivered; Evie had removed the blanket from the bed and lay beside him in a tank top, covered only by a sheet. He sat up and realized he was extremely lightheaded, so he gave up on the idea of the blanket and lay back down to assess how sick he really felt.

He was freezing. His head pounded and his throat was sore. He couldn't breathe through his nose at all, and he was queasy to top it all off. Really queasy, come to think of it. He practically rolled off the bed and stumbled into the bathroom to be sick. The sound must've woken Evie, because after a few minutes he felt her cool hand on the back of his neck.

"Aw, honey. It's okay. It's okay," she said soothingly, rubbing the other hand in calming circles over his back. He collapsed into her, breathing returning to normal as she stroked his hair. "Do you want to come back to bed?"

Stephen nodded, and Evie helped him up. He leaned on her as they returned to bed, where she brought back the blanket and tucked him in. "I'm going to take your temperature, I'm pretty sure you have a fever."

"I think I d - dUSHOO! USHhoo! I do," he said, wiping his nose on the back of his hand.

"I'll find some tissues too, hang on." Evie left, leaving Stephen staring miserably at the ceiling. He had a show to tape tomorrow, and he'd done it with a cold before but never sick like this. But he was the show, if he cancelled nobody could work. He'd have to get better in the next few hours.

Stephen rolled onto his side, finding it impossible to breathe laying on his back. This dislodged something in his nose, and he pitched forward with three more rapidfire sneezes. "HATchh! HATchh! HATCHHOO! Ugh," he snuffled into his hands, desperate for a tissue. Where was Evie? His nose ran, and when he tried to sniffle he found it completely clogged. Great.

Evie returned to find Stephen curled in a ball, hands steepled over his nose. It would have been funny if it weren't so pathetic. "Need a tissue?" she asked sympathetically. He nodded, and she placed one in his hands. It took quite a few to clean himself up, and then he sat up and blew his nose repeatedly. "I guess we're going to need more of those," joked Evie, but Stephen felt too miserable to find it funny. "What else can I get you?"

"Just lay here with be," he said.

"Of course. But first I need to take your temp."

He complied without complaint, rolling over so she could stick the thermometer in his good ear. "102.1. No wonder you feel this bad," she said. Stephen groaned.

"I cad't believe I have to do the show toborrow," he said weakly.

"You're gonna have to cancel, babe," Evie chuckled. "You can't tape like this." Stephen didn't say anything. "Stephen?"

"Ev, I feel... by stobach..."

"Okay, up we go," said Evie gamely, and she supported Stephen to the bathroom and rubbed his back as he vomited. When he was done he flushed, leaned against her legs and moaned, "this is awful."

"I know it is," she said sympathetically. "Let's get you back to bed."

"Baybe I should just st-- stay -- ATCHOO! HuSHHH! HUSHHoo!"

Evie grabbed some toilet paper and handed it to her husband, who blew his nose and dropped the crumpled up paper on the floor.

"I dod't wadt to keep goig back ad forth," said Stephen miserably.

"Back and forth?"

"Frob bed to here." Stephen closed his eyes.

"You can't sleep on the bathroom floor. How about the couch? I'll get you a bucket," she said, half-joking.

"Kay." Stephen let Evie help him up again, and she got him settled on the couch with a blanket and pillows. She kissed him, and returned a minute later with the tissues, a bottle of orange Gatorade, and an empty yogurt container.

"You can use this if you feel sick, okay?" she told him, stroking his hair.

"Thags, Evie." Stephen pulled out a tissue and blew his nose, coughed, and sneezed. "Huh-ISHoo! Hu-ISHH!"

"Bless you."

"Ug, thags. You should go to bed," he told Evie.

"Same to you. Can I get you anything else first?"

"Health?"

Evie laughed. "Would if I could. Sleep tight," she said, and kissed his forehead.

"You too." Stephen watched Evie walk away, heart sinking because now he was all alone. The living room felt cold. His stomach churned and his nose ticked, and he lunged for the tissues. "ISHoo! ISHH! ISHH! ISHoo! Huh-Huh-HuhISHHoo! HUISHOO!" The last sneeze felt like it ripped his throat apart, and he grimaced and reached for the Gatorade. His nose was so full that one swallow put it over the edge and he had to reach for the tissues again to wipe away the mess. He blew into tissue after tissue until he was exhausted, at which point he fell against the pillows and dropped into a fitful sleep.

[anikadicara]

***

The clock said 4 am. Stephen had awoken from a fever dream in which he was stuck with Alvin and the Chipmunks in a rapidly spinning spaceship - he had been cast as Tom Hanks' replacement on Apollo 13: The Squeakquel. He awoke feeling as if he really had been spinning in circles for the last hour, and emptied his stomach into the yogurt container Evie had left for him. He felt too awful to get up, instead he placed it on the floor out of his sight and curled up in the fetal position with a tissue clamped to his nose to slow the stream. He drifted off again.

5:30 am. A sneeze woke him this time; the balled up tissue in his hand had fallen to the floor in his sleep so now his face was covered in the contents of his nose. Thankful that nobody was around to witness this, Stephen reached for a handful of tissues and blew his nose until it felt raw. He couldn't breathe through it but at least it wasn't running anymore, until his hard work was undone with another huge "Huh-ISHHH!" He groaned, blew his nose yet again, and lay back against the pillows. This time Stephen couldn't fall back asleep; he could feel his nose draining down his throat and he errupted into a coughing fit. He muffled the sound into a handful of tissues, trying his best not to wake Evie or the kids. But it was only minutes later when his groggy wife showed up at his side.

"How are you feeling?" she asked him softly, pushing back his hair to feel his forehead.

"Flurpy," Stephen sniffled. Evie laughed.

"Flurpy?"

"Ode of Jod's."

She smiled sympathetically at him. "I'm gonna take your temp again, you still feel warm."

"I feel freezig,"

"I guess the silver lining's that you can't feel this heat wave, must be a hundred degrees and the sun's not even up yet."

"I'll trade. HISHhhoo! Huh-ISHH! ISHH! itCHH!"

"Bless you. Not a chance." She kissed his cheek and inserted the thermometer into his ear, stroking his hair as they waited for the beep.

"101.6. You're down a little bit but that's still a decent fever."

"Ugh, great."

"You need to call in sick today."

"Dot yet. I'll skip writig and by beetigs but baybe I cad still tape."

"Stephen, I can barely understand you. Sorry babe, there's no way you're doing a show tonight."

"I cad take cold bedicide. We dod't deed to tell Cobedy Cedtral to do a re-rud udtil four. If I'b still like this at four I'll cadcel." He sniffled, and Evie passed him a tissue.

"Suit yourself. But you don't want to make yourself sicker. Or get your staff sick."

Stephen blew his nose, and talked to Evie through the tissue. "Yeah, Didello's a real baby whed he's sick."

Evie laughed. "He should see you right now."

"I dod't wadt to dow what I look like."

"You just look like someone with the flu. Do you think you can go back to sleep? Want to come to bed?"

"I'b fide here. I'll try to sleep," said Stephen, and Evie kissed his forehead and went to the kitchen to pack lunches for their kids. Stephen's eyelids felt heavy, and they slowly fell shut.

[anikadicara]

***

He awoke to the slam of a door. Coughing, Stephen sat up and rubbed furiously at his ticking nose. "HESHH! HE-ISSshh! HET-Chhh!" He blew it again and took a tiny sip of Gatorade to calm the burning in his throat. The house was quiet; Evie must have walked the kids to their bus stop for camp. He felt awful but was no longer dizzy, and while his nose ran it didn't feel as stuffed full of cement as it had during the night. He really wanted to brush his teeth.

Carefully, Stephen got to his feet. The room swayed a bit but he stayed standing, noticing that his stomach was still rather unsettled. He saw that Evie had replaced his yogurt container with a clean one. Poor Evie.

Stephen used the bathroom and carefully brushed his teeth, which was difficult because he couldn't breathe at all though his nose. He contemplated taking a shower but decided he didn't feel up to it, so he plodded slowly back to his nest on the couch. The short walk tired him out, and he was about to try and sleep some more when Evie returned.

"You're up," she said. "How are you?"

"Sick," he replied. "Baybe a little better though."

Evie felt his forehead with the back of her hand. "Still feels hot. You ready to call in yet?"

Stephen coughed and reached for a tissue. "Dot till four." He blew his nose, and saw Evie cringe at the congested gurgling. "Sorry,"

"Don't be," said Evie, sitting down with him and rubbing his back. "I don't remember the last time I saw you this sick."

"Durig the Deb.. huh .. Debocratic Datiodal Cod ... Codventiod .. itCHH! hit-TCHH! ATCHH!" Stephen sneezed into the tissues Evie handed him and blew his nose. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry," she said soothingly, getting up to throw away the tissues and clearing the others from the floor. "I don't remember going to the Democratic National Convention."

"We wered't there, Jod was ad I stayed here to do by show, ad I pretedded to be id Dedver but I got that sidus idfectiod-"

"Oh now I remember," said Evie with a laugh. "You couldn't talk even after you took all that Sudafed. The Debocradic Dationdal Codventiod!" She made fun of his stuffy voice, and he laughed. It turned into a cough, which got harsher and harsher until he was clutching his stomach and Evie was at his side with a container as he vomited. She rubbed his back in soothing circles until he finished, collapsing into her on the couch. They lay in silence for several minutes, Evie stroking every part of Stephen she could reach as his breathing returned to normal.

"This is so awful. I'b sorry, Evie," said Stephen weakly.

"I'm telling you not to be sorry. This happens. Just get some rest," she told him. She continued to hold him until the phone rang, at which point she gingerly extracted herself from him and went to the kitchen to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Evie? This is Rich from the Report."

"Oh! I'm so sorry, we forgot to call you. Stephen's not feeling well, he's had the flu since last night."'

There was silence on the line for a few moments, then Rich spoke. "Oh. Um, okay. Is he, I mean, do you think he'll come in to work today?"

"Let me put him on. Hang on," Evie put a finger over the receiver and headed back to the couch, where Stephen lay with his eyes closed. "Stephen?" she asked softly, sitting beside him and laying a hand on his forehead. He opened his eyes and croaked,

"Yeah?"

"Rich from the show's on the phone. Are you up to talking?"

"Okay," said Stephen, with a small groan as he pulled himself to a sitting position. She handed him the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Stephen, I'm checking in from the morning meeting. Hear you're not feeling well?"

Stephen cleared his throat. "Sorry I'b dot id-" he sniffed, to no avail. "Dot id yet, I was goig to try ad catch a few extra hours of .. of..." Stephen handed the phone to Evie as he started to sneeze. "Huh.. HuhITCH! ITCHH! ISHHoo! Ugh." He blew his nose. Evie was in the middle of a sentence,

"Pretty much how he sounds, he's saying he wants to try and tape but-"

"I'b okay," Stephen told Rich, grabbing the phone from Evie. "Id's the flu. But if I'b dot sick to by stobach by the afterdood I wadt to tape."

"Only if you're up to it," said Rich. "It sounds to me like if we do tape, we'll need to write this in. Otherwise we can just call Comedy Central and ask for a re-run."

"We defiditely have to work it id sobehow," Stephen agreed. "If I take Dyquil I'll soud better thad this, but I dod't have edergy. I'b dot ruddig to the idterview desk or adythig."

"We'll figure it out," Rich promised. "Should I check back with you in a couple hours?"

"That'd be best," said Stephen. "Thadks, Rich."

"You bet. Feel better, get some rest," said Rich.

"Okay. Thadks."

"Bye."

Stephen passed the phone to Evie and grabbed the tissue box to sneeze. "HATCHOO! Huh-ISHH! ISHHoo!"

"Bless." Evie stood up to hang up the phone, and Stephen coughed weakly as he curled up in the fetal position and blew his nose. She returned to find him lying there, under a pile of blankets in 100 degree weather. "I really don't think you should tape today," she said.

"I'll decide later. But I wadt to take sobe medicide at dood, see how I feel od it," he told her.

"Do you think you can keep down medicine?" she asked, noticing the way he was massaging his stomach.

"Duddo. But I'b godda try," he said. "Feel like crap dow, though."

"I know." Evie sat down and pulled his head into her lap. She read the paper while Stephen drifted in and out of sleep. He sneezed a couple of times into her lap without waking up, and she chose to ignore the spray he left on her shorts. After a few hours, though, Evie couldn't stand the way Stephen was radiating heat. She was sticky and sweating in the hot house. Gently, she raised his head and slid out from underneath him. Stephen snuffled, and gave an exhausted "isshh! huh-ISHH! Ugh." Evie passed him a tissue, but he fell back to sleep before he had a chance to clean himself up. Laughing a little to herself, Evie gently wiped her husband's nose and kissed his hot forehead. Then, she made a beeline for a long, cool shower.

[rsquared906]

Oh man, this is awesome!! Evie is such a sweetheart! Please continue!

[ichixshiro14]

Loving this!

[bless]

Ha ha he is soo stubborn , but I think he'll have to admit to cancel or he will go and have to come back even worse

[anikadicara]

A short update. + spoiler alert: http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/340746/july-05-2010/unemployment-benefits---paul-krugman

***

Evie was in the kitchen eating lunch when Stephen appeared in the doorway.

"Hey," she said, walking over to him and feeling his forehead. "Feeling any better?"

"My stobach does," said Stephen miserably, "But I have a huge headache ad by dose is sore ad I'b cold." He was still in sweats, and held a blanket around his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," said Evie, rubbing his back. "But I'm telling you, you're lucky to be cold today. It's so hot and gross in here."

"I cad't tell," he said.

"Are you drinking?" Evie asked, leading Stephen to the table and wrapping his blanket around him.

"Dot edough. HITchoo! TCHHH! huh-ITCHH!" he groaned and wiped his nose on the back of his hand.

"Bless you," said Evie, and she handed him a paper towel from the dispenser on the counter. "Do you think you can drink a little bit now?"

"Baybe, yeah." Stephen blew his nose into the paper towel and grimaced. Evie went to the living room and retrieved the bottle of Gatorade, which Stephen sipped slowly. "I want to try takig Botrid. Ad Dyquil. Whatever we have, to see if I could do the show od drugs," he said, with a slight smile.

"I'll go look." Evie returned from the bathroom a few minutes later with a couple of bottles. "We have Motrin, but I think Sudafed would be better than Nyquil. It'll make you less tired."

"I'b already tired," said Stephen.

"I know." Evie handed him some pills. "Why don't you sleep in our bed for a little bit?"

"That souds great," said Stephen. He took the pills and let Evie tuck him in. "Wake be up at 2:30?"

"If you're sure," said Evie. "You're allowed to take one day off, you know."

"I dow. But by staff's workig, ad the audiedce is waitig. I wadt to try," he said softly, before blowing his nose yet again.

"Kay babe. I'll wake you." She kissed him and left, and thanks to the drugs Stephen was finally able to fall into a real sleep.

[rsquared906]

Ahh, still so good! Also, I found this sweet clip to help me put a face to Evie:

[anikadicara]

***

"Stephen?" Evie sat on the edge of the bed and pressed her hand to Stephen's forehead. It felt cooler.

His eyes fluttered open. "Hmm?" he said sleepily.

"You wanted me to wake you at 2:30."

"Yeah." Stephen slowly sat up, rubbing at his eyes and nose. Evie passed him a tissue as his eyes squeezed shut. "Hut-TISHoo!" he blew his nose. "I feel better," he told her. "I can breathe a little!" He sniffled to demonstrate, which sent him into a fit of short, fast sneezes. "hit-CHHH! hit-CHH! CHHH! CHHH! hit-CHH!"

"Bless," said Evie, laughing a little as she pulled more tissues out of the box for him. "You do, huh?"

"I actually do," said Stephen after blowing his nose again.

"It's probably the drugs, though," Evie pointed out.

"Yeah, but I just need to feel okay for a few... a few hours... ATCHhoo!"

"Bless you. You're really going to do this?"

Stephen looked at her over his tissue. "I am," he said seriously. "They've been writing all day, the audiedce-" he sniffed, "the audience'll start lining up sood." He blew his nose and grimaced. "Make up's gonna have a great time with this."

Evie rolled her eyes. "I think you're pushing it."

"I know," said Stephen. "But I have to. Jon works sick all the time."

"That's because Jon's sick all the time," said Evie. "Seriously, the guy catches more colds than anyone I've ever met."

"Susceptible Boy," laughed Stephen, which turned into a cough. He sipped Gatorade as Evie gave him a quizzical look. "His old nickname," Stephen explained.

"Ah. Well you must be feeling better, reeling off jokes I don't get."

"I am." Stephen stood up slowly, feeling much steadier on his feet than he'd been since yesterday. "I'm gonna take a quick shower, then head to the studio."

"Suit yourself. I might be out meeting the bus when you leave. Drive safe," warned Evie. "If you start feeling too sick, call me, okay? I'll pick you up."

"You won't need to do that," Stephen assured her. "I'll be fine. Where'd you leave the Sudafed?"

"Kitchen counter."

"Thanks."

"Let me just take your temperature first, before you shower."

"Ev, I'm going to work anyway."

"I know you are. But we should just check,"

"Fine." Stephen sat back down on the bed as Evie retrieved the thermometer. She stuck it in his ear, and he fidgeted as they waited.

"99.7. Still a fever, you're going to feel awful when that Motrin wears off."

"Evie, I know. I know I'm sick, but just for today I'm going to suck it up and work. And then I'll come back home, I'll whine and complain, and you'll be all nice to me and cuddly again."

She laughed. "I KNEW you were taking advantage!"

Stephen mock-pouted. "Was not. You were just so sweet."

"I am so sweet."

"You are." Stephen stood up and hugged Evie, who kissed him. "Careful, I'm going to get you sick,"

She laughed again. "You sneezed on me all night. If I'm gonna catch this, I already have."

Stephen lay his head on her shoulder. "I'm sorry,"

"That's life," said Evie practically. "I've gotta go get the kids, take it easy at work and I'll see you soon." She kissed the top of his head and Stephen straightened up, heading for the shower as Evie left the room.

The steam felt great; he turned the water extra-hot so it felt warm even against his fever-hot skin. Stephen sneezed openly several times in the shower; he could feel the Sudafed clearing his head of congestion. He thought he just might be able to pull off a decent show tonight.

[ID2006]

awesome updates

[SpookyScarySkeleton]

Ah more ffs more xD I want more this is so good

[anikadicara]

***

Stephen dressed in khakis and button-down, and dug out his favorite fleece jacket even though it was the middle of a heat wave in July. Blowing his nose several times, he stuffed a wad of Kleenex in his pocket and brought the whole box out to the car along with his bottle of Gatorade. He popped another Sudafed before he left, but didn't realize until he was halfway to Manhattan that he'd forgot to take the pack with him. And he'd forgotten to take more Motrin. 'Oh well,' he thought, 'I feel okay, maybe I've kicked it.' He figured if he started feeling really bad later, he'd send an intern to the CVS a few blocks from the studio.

Stephen pulled up to his garage and made sure to gather the box of tissues and the Gatorade before handing the keys to Mike, the evening valet.

"You alright?" asked Mike. "Almost never see you in the afternoon." Stephen noticed Mike's eyes taking in his heavy clothing, red nose, and of course the box of tissues.

"A little under the weather, but I'm okay. Thank you," said Stephen, slightly embarrassed. He supposed he'd have to get over that right away; he was about to film an entire show sick in front of a live studio audience.

"Sorry to hear that," said Mike, getting into Stephen's car. "Feel better, man."

"Th... thanks." Stephen rubbed his nose as Mike drove away. "HISHoo!" He pulled a tissue from the box he carried and blew his nose. As he walked down the block to his studio, he noticed a small line of audience members already starting to form in the alley. They all wore shorts and T-shirts, and Stephen shivered just thinking about it. A couple of them noticed him as he walked up the stairs to his office; they shouted "Stephen!" and he waved and gave them a smile; he didn't trust his voice to carry that far. He could feel their disappointment as he entered the building, but didn't dwell on it because he almost walked smack into his head writer.

"Stephen!"

"Hey, Barry."

"Feeling any better?"

"I'm okay. On drugs," joked Stephen.

"Well you look like crap," said a woman's voice from behind Barry.

"Hi Jenn, you look nice too." Stephen smiled at his assistant, who took his Gatorade and Kleenex box from him.

"Sorry," she said, "I just mean, you look sick."

"I am sick." Stephen coughed into his fist. "See? I can prove it."

"Production meeting in ten?" asked Barry.

"My office," Stephen confirmed. He followed Jenn upstairs and sat gratefully down at his desk. The drive had worn him out.

"Aren't you hot?" Jenn asked him, placing the Gatorade and tissues on his desk.

"Huh? Why, thank you," Stephen gave her a silly grin and she rolled her eyes.

"In your jacket. It's gotta be, like, two hundred degrees in here."

"I have a fever," Stephen admitted.

"Aw, that sucks." Jenn felt his forehead. "Yeah, you're warm."

"I'm wasn't lying."

"I didn't think you were. I was just-"

"Doing what my wife's been doing all day. I'll be okay," Stephen promised her.

"I know." She reached into her bag and pulled out a script. "Well they've tried to make it easy for you today, you're going to do the whole show from an armchair on the interview stage. They want you to act sick, which-" she broke off as Stephen started coughing - "seems like it won't be a problem." Jenn uncapped the Gatorade and handed it to Stephen, who sipped it gingerly.

"Sorry," he said. "Yeah, won't be much acting there." He blew his nose and sneezed, "huh-ISHHoo!"

"Bless you. Rich said you sounded bad on the phone, so it's all written in. And there's not too much reading. We've got two interviews, and they're academic not political so you can go easy on the character. We don't need much rehearsal time, you can pretty much rest for an hour or so after the production meeting, we'll rehearse at six."

"Great. Thanks, Jenn." Stephen dabbed at his nose with the crumpled tissue before turning his attention to the script.

"You bet." Jenn retrieved Stephen's trash can, which she placed in easy reach of him and his tissues. "Can I get you anything else?"

"I'm alright for now, feeling a lot better than I did this morning. Keep your distance though," warned Stephen. "You really don't want this."

She smiled sympathetically at him as she left the office. Stephen took a few minutes to glance over the script. Jenn had been right - he thankfully had very little to read off the Teleprompter. A couple pages of intro where he talked about being sick, a lead-in to a pre-taped segment about internet memes, and a short block about unemployment with multiple breaks for video clips. He could handle that.

[bless]

Great written

[SpookyScarySkeleton]

Good writen I want more please I love this update<3

[anikadicara]

A few minutes later there was a knock on his door. "Cob-" Stephen sniffed. "Come in."

"Hey," Paul poked his head in. "How're you doing?"

"Eh." Stephen shook his hand in a "so-so" sign.

"Sorry." Stephen's best friend and coworker took a seat on his couch. "How was Charleston?"

"It was great," Stephen flashed a genuine smile. "We lay on the beach, got out on Jay's boat, the kids fought, but-" Stephen broke off coughing, and took a sip of Gatorade. "It was great. Sublime. No mucous. How was yours?" he asked, pulling out a tissue.

"Alright. Uneventful." Paul paused as Stephen blew his nose.

"Sorry, what?" said Stephen as he threw the tissue aside.

"You asked me how my 4th was, but you weren't really interested in my answer," said Paul in his best over-the-top whine.

Stephen snorted with laughter, which made him lunge for another tissue. "Sorry," he said as he cleaned himself up. "I care about your vacation. I do. Please tell me about your adventures, Paul. Please share with me. This is a safe place. You can tell me anything."

They stared at each other in mock-seriousness for a few seconds and burst out laughing.

"Stop it," Paul got up and clapped Stephen on the shoulder. "I didn't actually do anything over break, I just wanted to see how you were."

"I'll survive."

"Well you look pretty wrecked. Fever?"

Stephen nodded.

"Headache?"

He nodded again, then held up a finger and twisted around in his chair. "Huh ... huhISHH! ISHHoo! ISHHoo! ISHHH! huh... huhISHHoo!"

Paul handed him a few tissues. "Sneezing?"

Stephen laughed into the tissues as he blew his nose. Paul sat on the edge of his desk. "Why are you here, Stephen?"

"I just-" he cleared his throat and threw the tissues in the trash. "Everyone's working hard, I thought I could do it. Jon tapes sick," he pointed out.

"Jon's always sick."

Stephen chuckled. "That's what Evie said."

"It's true. We would've taken the extra day, done some writing."

"I can handle a couple hours."

"Well you have to now, we've passed the deadline to ask for a re-run."

"All in then." Stephen leaned back in his chair, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"Do you remember we've got a production meeting, like, now?"

"I do." Stephen looked at his friend seriously for a minute. "Paul, I'm fine."

"Yeah, okay." Paul didn't look convinced, and he was even less convinced when Stephen burst into another coughing fit. Paul offered him the Gatorade, but this time Stephen shook his head.

"Not up to it."

"Your stomach?"

"I'm okay."

But he didn't look okay. He leaned back in his desk chair and almost toppled it, grabbing onto his desk to right himself. "Whoa, easy." Paul jumped up and secured the chair. "Alright, you're moving to the couch."

"I'm really fine."

"Everyone's about to show up for a half-hour meeting. You'd rather be stuck in that chair the whole time than lying on the couch? Stephen considered this for a minute. "They already know you're sick," Paul pointed out.

"You're right," admitted Stephen. He stood up, but clutched the desk immediately.

"What's wrong?"

"Room's spinning." Paul wrapped an arm around Stephen's shoulders and guided him to the couch, where he curled up in the fetal position with his head on the armrest.

"Here." Paul handed him a pillow (which had George W. Bush's face on it) and a fleece blanket. "You can sleep on Dubya."

"Vomiting on him would be out of character, though, wouldn't it?"

Paul laughed. "You can do it as yourself during the Q&A."

"Audience would love that."

[SpookyScarySkeleton]

Ohhhhh Moore I can't get enough of this c:

[anikadicara]

Hello all,

I've had a lot of time on my hands over the last couple of days, and have discovered that writing is great therapy. I'm mostly working on a longer, non-sneeze-related story, but I also threw in an update here because distractions, and especially laughter, can be a great comfort in the middle of confusion. To my Bostonians, I also pass on something my godmother told me yesterday: "No matter what happened and what will happen now, all we can do is put one foot in front of the other, and keep living." That's what I'm doing, and a lot of what I've seen since Monday makes me truly believe that most people are genuinely good and we are stronger than we think we are.

So there's that. To everyone else affected, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I give you what is hopefully a few minutes of distraction and amusement, and I'd also like to post yesterday's intro from The Colbert Report because it was so well done and it made almost an entire hospital waiting room laugh. http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/425527/april-16-2013/intro---4-16-13

***

At that moment the writers started filing in.

"You alright, man? You look rough." Matt pulled up a chair and sat across from Stephen.

"Stephen, I'm so sorry." Meredith gave him a kind smile and squeezed his knee, settling herself on the couch on his other side.

"Feel better, boss." Opus plopped cross-legged on the floor, chewing on his pencil.

One by one the dozen writers entered, filling the room and all voicing concern over Stephen's well-being.

"I don't know if this'll make you feel better but check it out." Jay held up a bathrobe, which had a "Colbert Report" felt pin stuck to the pocket.

Stephen smiled weakly at him. "Is that for me?"

"It's wardrobe for today." Jay took a seat next to Opus.

"We're going for a defeated but determined look," Opus chimed in. "You're so dedicated to getting your opinions heard that you'll do it from the edge of the grave."

"Not that we think you're on the edge of the grave," said Meredith quickly as the room laughed. "But the character feels like he is."

"He's a martyr," Max explained. "He's doing this for the good of the country, at great personal sacrifice."

"Fair enough." Stephen coughed into his fist.

"Alright, troops." Rich stepped into Stephen's office, followed by director Jim and stage manager Mark. "Let's bang this thing out."

"Jimmy jam," said Barry, pointed his pen at Jim who started dancing on the spot, then clapped his hands.

"Okay. We're blocking the whole shabang on the interview stage, so Mark make sure we've got the angles for it."

"Already on it, cameras are being set now," said Mark.

"We've got the armchair, and Stephen you'll be sitting in it the entire time. No moving necessary." Jim informed him.

"Sounds great," Stephen replied.

"I'm adding an ottoman," said Mark.

"My ottoman?" Opus asked.

"Yessir. 'S what you get for having a fucking ottoman in your office," said Mark. Stephen laughed and coughed, a deep crackling cough that made Jay stand up and retrieve the tissue box off Stephen's desk, passing him a few and placing the box on the coffee table.

"Freaking hipsters," joked Barry. Turning to Opus, he asked, "Where'd you even find an ottoman?"

"My grandmother's."

"You're joking."

"No joke."

"You're the biggest crazy hipster I've ever met."

"And I'm the smallest calmest one," added Paul. "You okay?" he looked at Stephen in concern.

"I'll... HISHoo! HITCHH! hiTCHH! I'll live." Stephen blew his nose.

"You'd better," Rich warned. Flipping to his next page of notes, he tried to move the meeting forward. "Mark, any other stage notes?"

"We need drugs for the mantlepiece."

"Drugs?" asked Meredith.

"Cold meds. Nyquil, Tylenol, whatever we can dig up."

"I think I've got Benadryl in my office," said Jay.

"Stephen, you brought some meds, right?" Jenn asked, as she got up to search his bag.

"Forgot them at home."

"I'll send someone around the corner to get more," said Mark.

"May as well get something he can take," said Jenn, then she turned to Stephen. "What do you need?"

"Sudafed. And Motrin," said Stephen.

"Okay, so those, and whatever else to dress the set," Mark confirmed, making a note on his pad.

"How's your voice?" asked Jenn. "How about some lozenges?"

"Not gonna eat anything," said Stephen. "Voice's alright for now."

"Okay," said Rich. "On to A block."

"This is a prompter bit," said Barry. "That okay?"

Stephen was starting to get annoyed. "Alright. Everyone." He sat up, slowly but determinedly. "I'm a grown man. I can read a teleprompter. Thanks for your... your concern, but..." he trailed off, reaching again for the tissues. "huh-huISHoo! ISHoo!" he wiped his nose in frustration. "I'b fide."

"Least convincing 'fine' I've ever heard," joked Paul. Stephen glared at him over his tissue as he blew his nose. "And most hostile noseblow."

"Okay," said Rich, talking over them. "Prompter's fine for A block. Stephen, any questions about the intro?"

He coughed. "Who came up with the Gatorade bit? I like it."

"That was Matt's," said Barry.

"I knew you always drink Gatorade when you're sick," said Matt. "Figure we'll pay 'em back."

"I pay for the Gatorade," Stephen pointed out. "Actually, my wife paid for the Gatorade."

"From there we go to commercial, and then cue the Electronic Frontier segment," said Rich.

"We didn't write a lead-in, we figured you'd just say something like 'I sat down with Cindy Cohn and here's what happened," said Barry.

"Sure," said Stephen.

"Then we roll the clip, plays for all of B block," said Jim. "Go to commercial, Krugman's in the wings as you read the prompter for the economy segment.".

"And then that leads right in to Krugman's interview," said Rich. "We'll have him walk out for the greet."

"Okay," said Stephen, leaning forward to rest his head in his hands. "I've got it."

"Should we stop here?" asked Rich, looking down at the top of Stephen's head in concern.

Stephen raised his head back up to look at Rich. "What do you think?"

"I think you need rest," said Rich. "Show's straightforward, we'll direct you during taping."

"I'm... I'm ok to, to... HUHSHoo! huhISHH! to keep goig," Stephen blew his nose. "Ugh, sorry."

"Alright," said Barry. "Krugman's going to talk about why it's okay for the government to extend employment benefits. Your angle will be, how can we extend these benefits, because it'll cost the government a fraction of a percent of the total debt."

"You're really outraged about that fraction. Quarter of one percent," added Opus.

"That fact checked?" asked Meredith.

"Yep," said Opus.

"Quarter of ode percent," Stephen repeated, then blew his nose. "Jenn?"

"Yeah."

"I'm definitely godda-" he sniffed. "Gonna need to take more Sudafed."

"Mark's sending someone, right?" Jenn looked to Mark.

"Yeah. I'll go let an intern know right now."

"I think you should rest," said Jenn.

"Let's talk through Kaku's segment," said Rich, "And then we'll be out of here."

"This'll be a weird one," said Jay. "He's a physicist, but big in the pop science world. He'll talk about how science fiction could become reality."

"He's really personable," said Jay. "Not just for a physicist, I mean like in general."

"Yeah, but also his topics sounded trippy, even to me, and my temperature's 98.6," said Meredith.

"I'd say just let him do most of the talking here," Barry sugggested. "We'll give you the outline cards, but Kaku's pretty with it. He'll be more than okay leading the interview."

"What's he promoting?" asked Stephen.

"He's got a book." Barry consulted his notes. "The Physics of the Impossible."

"Also does a show on the Science Channel. He's awesome," Matt chimed in. "He's famous for being this crazy smart japanese dude with long white hair who's easy to talk to."

"Japanese Gandalf," said Stephen.

"Not that long," Matt corrected. "But long for a Japanese guy."

"You never see Japanese guys with long hair," said Meredith thoughtfully. "I never noticed that before."

"I think we're done here," said Jenn.

"Thanks everyone," said Rich.

"I apologize if I got anyone sick just now," added Stephen, coughing.

"Feel better, man." Matt clapped Stephen on the shoulder as he got up, and everyone wished him well and told him to get some rest as they exited. Soon it was just Paul and Jenn left in the room with Stephen, who sighed.

"I'm wiped," he said.

"I can tell. Do you feel like you can drink anything?"

"Not gonna risk it."

"Okay. Well, I'm going to go help Mark make sure we've got all the supplies we need, then get your wardrobe and everything together."

"Thanks, Jenn."

"Sure." She gave him a sympathetic look before leaving, shutting the door behind her.

Paul took a seat on the couch next to Stephen. "I don't think I've ever seen you like this."

"Haven't felt like this in a long time," said Stephen. "I can actually feel it getting worse as I lie here."

"That sucks."

"Evie gave me medicine before I left, but I forgot to take... take it.. huhISHH! take it with be." Paul handed Stephen a tissue and he blew his nose.

Paul made a face. "Better not do that once you're miked."

"I'm godda-" Stephen gave one more loud blow. "Gonna have to. Listen to by voice."

"You could take Nyquil. Do the show all loopy."

"I'm probably already loopy from the fever."

"Loopier."

"Sudafed worked for a while, before. Hopefully it'll be edough."

"You should sleep," said Paul, standing up. "We're not doing a rehersal today, so you've got an hour or so."

"Good, I deed it. God," said Stephen in frustration, blowing his nose again. "I hate how I soud."

"This was unncessary," said Paul.

"I albost cadcelled. Really. But I felt okay, for a while id the afterdood." Stephen sniffed loudly, then sneezed. "hitCHH! itCHH! huhISHH! ISHHoo!"

"Jeez."

"Dod't stay id here with be. You're godda get sick," said Stephen, face buried in tissues.

"You don't need anything? I can help you with.. whatever..."

"Go. I'b godda blow by dose till it falls off ad it's godda be disgustig."

"Fair enough. I'll tell Jenn to wake you when she gets back with the drugs."

"Thanks, Paul."

"You bet." Paul left the office, and Stephen blew his nose as hard as he could, which made him sneeze an explosive "HATTTChhoo!" He pulled the tissue box onto the couch with him and blew his nose repeatedly until he couldn't any more. He was exhausted. Shivering, he curled up on the couch and fell into a fitfull sleep.

[Jorm]

This was excellent, as all of this fic has been, but more importantly I hope neither you, nor any of your loved ones is in too bad of shape.

[SpookyScarySkeleton]

Creative writer might I say very descriptive writer and I love the plot c: continue please?

[anikadicara]

"Stephen?" Jenn gently shook his shoulder a little while later, restraining herself from putting a hand on his forehead even though she could tell he was burning up.

"Huh?" he said groggily.

"I've got medicine for you, we're taping in 45 minutes and this'll help you feel better."

"I bade a bistake," said Stephen weakly, looking up at her from where he lay.

Jenn's heart went out to him, she had never seen a grown man look so helpless and miserable. Let alone her boss, her hilarious, full-of-energy boss. It was hard to watch and she wished she could let him sleep, but Jenn knew that as his assistant it was her job to make sure he could do his job. Which right now meant getting some drugs in his system. "You're okay," she said, in what she hoped was a soothing voice. "You'll feel better after you take these."

Stephen sneezed. "HISHoo! Huh-ISHH! ISHH! ISSSHHHH! I'd better," he croaked. "Duddo how I'b godda to do the show like this."

"Here," Jenn handed Stephen a Sudafed and a Motrin along with his bottle of Gatorade.

He sat up slowly with a groan, taking them. "Thadk you," he said, through watery eyes. "Pass be the tissues?

"Sure." Jenn gave him the box and sat beside him as he blew his nose and then gingerly swallowed the pills, wincing as he swallowed. "Can I do anything else for you?"

"Go back id tibe ad tell be to cadcel?" Stephen asked, laying back down.

Jenn laughed. "Get some more sleep, the drugs should kick in in half an hour or so."

"Thanks, Jed." Stephen blew his nose and closed his eyes. Jenn picked up the bottle of Gatorade and placed in on the coffee table, then headed out to track down the robe and the rest of Stephen's wardrobe for the show. Someone had managed to dig up a pair of hilarious bunny slippers, and a props assistant handed her a fleece blanket that would be referenced in one of the A-block jokes. Not wanting to wake Stephen again until it was absolutely necessary, Jenn went into the studio and left the pile on an armchair on the interview stage. She tracked down Kerrie from hair & makeup and made her agree not to spray Stephen's hair tonight because the aerosol would make him sneeze like crazy. They stood around the studio for fifteen minutes or so chatting with a couple writers, until Mark kicked them all out as the audience began filing in. .

"Make sure they know he's sick," Jenn demanded of Mark as she scooped up Stephen's clothes. "He could need some sympathy laughs."

"Oh, he'll be funny," Mark assured her. "Might take five takes to get through the lines, but he'll make 'em laugh." Jenn raised her eyebrows, and Mark clapped her on the shoulder. "I've seen this before. He'll push."

"Yeah." Jenn took one last look at the audience, all chattering and pointing to various parts of the set with excited grins as they took their seats. She noticed one girl though, a short redhead in purple jeans and a white silk tank top, who did not look particularly excited. On the contrary, this girl looked apprehensive as she took in the armchairs and the cold medicine and Mark, who was walking around the set crumpling up tissues and scattering them across the floor. Jenn watched her for a minute, but the girl settled into her front row seat and aside from her slightly worried look, there was nothing unusual about her.

Jenn left the studio and went back up to Stephen's office, knocking lightly before pushing it open. He was fast asleep on the couch. According to her watch, Jenn figured she could let him sleep for another ten minutes at the most, which would give him fifteen to wake up, get dressed, and have his makeup done by Melanie. She picked up Michio Kaku's book off Stephen's desk and thumbed through it. It was very technical, but she could tell Kaku was smart and she liked his light, conversational tone. Down in the studio Jay had told her that Rich had taken the guest meetings; Stephen usually touched base with the guests to let them know what to expect during the interview. Apparently Rich decided (and Jenn agreed) that it was better to let Stephen rest and not heighten the risk of infecting the guests. Jenn spritzed herself with Purell, now that she thought of it.

"Stephen?" she said, as 6:45 hit. "Stephen?" She gently touched his shoulder and he jerked awake, coughing as he sat up. Jenn passed him the Gatorade, and he took a sip but then jerked forward with a massive sneeze; "HATCHHHOooo! Fuck," Stephen swore as the orange Gatorade splashed onto his sweatshirt. He gave Jenn a rueful smile. "Good thidg it's time to chadge."

She smiled back and took the Gatorade from him in exchange for a handful of tissues. As Stephen blew his nose with a hearty gurgle, Jenn poured the Gatorade from the bottle into Stephen's plastic Starbucks cup because it had a straw. Better to avoid this problem down in the studio.

Stephen tossed the tissues aside. "Medicine worked," he commented. "I feel a lot better now."

"Great," said Jenn. Ready for wardrobe?"

Stephen slowly got to his feat. "Yeah." He stood there, looking a little lost.

"You okay?"

"Definitely still have a fever," said Stephen.

"Sorry," Jenn responded with sympathy.

"I'll push through it. I'm not nauseous anymore, so there's that."

"That's something," Jenn gave him an encouraging smile, and handed him the robe and slippers. "You're wearing a T-shirt under that fleece, right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. You're wearing the shirt and the robe, and the slippers. Nothing else."

"Underwear okay?" Stephen joked. "Or are sick people expected to go commando?"

Jenn laughed, glad he was up to joking around. "I'm not involving myself in your underwear," she said. "Come out when you're done." She left his office, feeling for the first time like they might just make it through the show tonight. She heard Stephen sneeze massively through the door. They'd make it through, but it was going to be a long haul.

[rsquared906]

Ooooh, what's up with the girl??? This is awesome! You've really nailed it!

[PortlandLove]

keep going! this is great.

[Dutchgirl]

Thank you! This story is great!! I love it