Singapore (M, Cabin Pressure fanscript)

[VoOs]

So. tma's lovely Cabin Pressure fic inspired me to post my own. It's been sitting on my hardrive for several months now and I didn't dare to post it because writing fiction in your second language is scary, and trying to be funny in your second language is even scarier. But these characters are just too irresistible, and in the end I couldn't help myself. As always, I apologize for any slaughter of the English language I may be responsible for. Feel free to point out the mistakes! *wants to learn*

This is more of a fanscript than a fanfic, I guess. It is a radio sitcom, after all. There's more focus on (my attempt at) humour than fetishiness, but at least I left out most of the lame chicken related puns that came to me while writing this thing.

This is what Cabin Pressure sounds like, by the way, for those of you that are unfamiliar with the fandom. It really is ten times funnier than my fic makes it seem.

---

MARTIN [frantically]: "No, no, no, it's okay, Douglas, I can handle it! I'm in control!"

DOUGLAS: "Of course you are, Martin. I must say though, it's comforting to know that you are capable of landing a plane with your eyes closed and one hand tied behind your back."

MARTIN: "You're being sarcastic again."

DOUGLAS: "I'm merely trying to stay positive. After all, you've been sneezing nearly constantly for the last ten minutes, and you know what they say."

MARTIN: "W-what do they say?"

DOUGLAS: "That it is impossible to sneeze with you eyes open."

MARTIN: "Oh, give me a break, Douglas. It's no big deal, it's just... a slight tickle."

DOUGLAS: "'Slight' tickle? If this is what you call a 'slight' tickle, I sure don't want to be around next time you have the sniffles. You better issue a warning beforehand to give me time to barricade myself in the storm cellar."

MARTIN: "Will you stop?! I can't help it, alright, I don't know what's wrong with me."

DOUGLAS: "Oh dear, where to begin..."

MARTIN [indignantly]: "Douglas!"

-----------------

[sound of cabin door opening]

ARTHUR [cheerily]: "Hello, chaps! Mom sent to tell you that - oh. Bless you, skip."

DOUGLAS: "How very uncharacteristic of her. Are you sure she didn't mean to say 'Blast you, skip'?"

ARTHUR: "Oh no, not that. She sent to tell you that (bless you) when we land, she wants you to make the landing as bumpy as possible, and (bless you) if you could make a cabin address right before you land, saying something like 'now might be a good time to call your loved ones, folks' in a suitably panicky voice (bless you) she'd be most grateful."

MARTIN [breathlessly]: "I'm not doing that! Why on Earth would she wa - hh - eh'ngsh!"

ARTHUR: "Bless you!"

DOUGLAS: "Given the state our captain's in, I suspect any desired bumpiness will take care of itself, but just out of curiosity: why this sudden need to install terror in the passengers?"

[sound of cabin door opening]

CAROLYN: "Because Mr Middleton has just graciously informed me that he won't be hiring us for his monthly business trips after all, upon learning that there won't be any 'hot stewardesses' on board to distract him from his severe fear of flying."

ARTHUR: "Weren't you going to do the stewarding, mom?"

CAROLYN: "I was. And that's what I told him."

ARTHUR: [inhales]

CAROLYN: "I want you to think very carefully about what you want to say next, Arthur."

ARTHUR: "..."

CAROLYN: "Have you thought about it? Yes? Good. Whatever it is, I hereby forbid you to utter it."

DOUGLAS: "Too bad, Carolyn. But this seems a little cruel even for you."

[knock on the cabin door, voice sounding from the other side]

MR MIDDLETON: "Oi, granny! Where did you go? Where's my whiskey?"

DOUGLAS: "Ah."

MARTIN: "It doesn't matter, I'm not doing it! As the captain, it's my responsibility t-to guarantee... to g-hh... 'eShuh!"

ARTHUR: "Bless you!"

MARTIN: "Oh, for goodness sake, Arthur! You don't have to bless me every time I... I-hh - ih'tshuh! -eiSHHuh!"

ARTHUR: But I do. To save your soul."

MARTIN: "What?"

ARTHUR: "Oh, don't you know? Every time a person sneezes, their soul flies out of their body, and then someone has to bless them to make sure the soul finds its way back in!"

DOUGLAS: "I'm afraid you're wasting your breath then."

ARTHUR: "Why?"

DOUGLAS: "Isn't that obvious? No need to worry about souls: Martin's a ginge -"

MARTIN [interrupting]: "Yes, yes, very funny."

CAROLYN: "Good Heavens, Martin, what's the matter with you? Your face looks like you've been chopping onions for an hour."

MARTIN: "I don't know! I think it started when Douglas came back from the loo. Ever since he sat down beside me again I haven't been able to stop s-sn... ehh - etSCHgh!"

ARTHUR [gasps]: "Oh no! You haven't developed an allergy to Douglas, have you, skip?"

DOUGLAS [suddenly snorting with laughter]: "No, don't worry, that's not the case at all. I know exactly what's ailing him.”

MARTIN: ”You do?”

DOUGLAS: ”Remember those fish cakes I got from my friend in Helsinki on our last trip?”

MARTIN [sniffling miserably]: ”Your smuggling... sorry. I mean: your barter success saga that started with a cheese sandwich three months ago? How could I forget. But what have your fish cakes got to do with anything?”

DOUGLAS: ”Oh, you see, that other friend in Switzerland was so grateful to receive his seafood that he insisted on giving me a gift in return.”

MARTIN: “And what was that?”

DOUGLAS: ”A chicken.”

MARTIN [incredulously]: ”A chicken? You bartered 560 euros worth of seafood for a chicken?”

DOUGLAS: “Not just any chicken. This particular bird is a silkie hen, a highly valuable show animal with an astounding pedigree, worth roughly 700 euros. It so happens that I have an old pal in Singapore who's into chicken breeding, and...”

MARTIN: “Alright, we get it. But I still don't see what that has to do with my...ehh... hH-TShuh! My... H'aeSCH! Ugh. That."

DOUGLAS: I keep the feathered old girl in a basket on the shelf above the restroom door..."

CAROLYN: "What?"

DOUGLAS: "She's been given a sedative to keep her calm for the duration of the flight, I was just checking in on her to make sure she was still slumbering peacefully. I guess I must have gotten a bit of plumage dust on my uniform when I was tucking her up. It looks like the captain's nose doesn't quite agree with said dust."

MARTIN: "Oh, terrific..."

CAROLYN: "A chicken allergy. Trust Martin to suffer from the most ridiculous allergy imaginable."

MARTIN: "Hey!"

ARTHUR [enthusiastically]: "Guys, what do you reckon came first? The chicken or the egg?"

CAROLYN: "Well done, Douglas. You've not only reduced the captain to a sniffly, bleary-eyed mess; you've also created a philosophical monster."

DOUGLAS: "My apologies. I'll make sure to bring a hypoallergenic chicken next time."

MARTIN [congestedly and muffled from behind his hands]: "Could you please go and stand in the galley now? Or at least get rid of your jacket so that I can recover from this thing."

DOUGLAS: "Certainly, captain."

ARTHUR [distractedly under his breath]: "...it has to be the egg, because the chicken hatches from the egg... but then who would lay the egg? Hm... Maybe the chicken... or the egg... wait... let me start over..."

CAROLYN [groaning]: "I think that's the cue for me to go and get Mr Middleton his whiskey. And try not to poison him while at it. Wish me luck."

[sound of cabin door closing]

MARTIN [sniffling]: "Ugh. A-Arthur, could you go get me a tissue, please?"

ARTHUR: "Right away, skip!"

[sound of cabin door closing]

--------------------------

[there is silence for a moment, broken only by Martin's increasingly wet sniffles. Suddenly a loud scream of terror can be heard coming from the cabin, followed by a door slamming open and somebody running down the aisle.]

MR MIDDLETON [voice piercing through the door]: "G-G-GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!"

DOUGLAS: "Oh."

MARTIN: "What? What?"

DOUGLAS: "It seems I might have miscalculated the dose of sedatives needed to keep a silkie hen asleep for twelve hours. It also seems like Mr Middleton suffers from ornithophobia as well as aerophobia."

MARTIN: "Meaning...?"

DOUGLAS: "He's both scared of flying and things that can fly. Birds in this case."

MARTIN: "A chicken phobia? That's even more ridiculous than having a chicken allergy."

DOUGLAS: "I'd have to agree."

[sound of upset voices and barely contained laughter coming from the cabin, followed by the cabin door opening]

CAROLYN [sounding extremely pleased]: "You go and get your pet and help Mr Middleton calm down, Douglas. I would do it myself, but I can't seem to do it without collapsing with laughter."

DOUGLAS: "Alright. One last thing before I go though: why did the chicken cross the airplane aisle?"

MARTIN AND CAROLYN: [sigh in unison]

DOUGLAS: "To get away from the hysteric posh man perching on the top of his backrest."

[cue outro music and credits]

Edited March 24, 2013 by VoOs

[Jorm]

This is fantastic. And totally hilarious, English not being your first language doesn't appear to have gotten in the way at all. You've written them all perfectly as far as I'm concerned! Poor Martin XD He just would manage to have an incredibly silly allergy. I have only one complaint, which is that you should have put even more of your lame chicken puns in!

[Salamander]

Hahahaaa! I don't even listen to Cabin Pressure often and I thought it was great. Very funny, VoOS. Next time, don't chicken out. We don't feel bird-ened by your fowl jokes.

[tma]

*SQUEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

I told you that you had to post a Cabin Pressure fic! and that I was sure that it would be full of wonderfullness!! *dance of joy* am extra, extra glad that I managed to inspire you to post. Yay!!! *does ottery dance of joy**

Oh.... I had an idea about doing something with "Cork" (since with all of the things that happened to Martin... a sickfic could maybe work ). I think that I should do it as you did, scriptstyle- that was brilliant! I hadn't thought of that and since it is radio and you can't really see the body language and such- that's works so much better.

Oh my gosh... you did such an amazing job- and *all* the characters and completely perfectly!!

"Isn't that obvious? No need to worry about souls: Martin's a ginge -"

That just killed me!!

And the chicken connecting with all of Douglas's trading schemes, and Martin having a chicken allergy. Oh my gosh.

I love you muchly!!! *goes to re-read*

[MusicaDiabolos]

OMG I adore Cabin Pressure, and I loved this! You captured the tone very well, and the jokes were very cute

[OCC]

This was amazing! I absolutely loved it! It completed sounds like a plausible bit of cabin pressure!

[VoOs]

Oh.... I had an idea about doing something with "Cork" (since with all of the things that happened to Martin... a sickfic could maybe work Posted Image ). I think that I should do it as you did, scriptstyle- that was brilliant! I hadn't thought of that and since it is radio and you can't really see the body language and such- that's works so much better.

Oohh. You know I'd love, love, love to read that. Finnemore is such a tease, putting Martin in the rain like that and not following it up with something Nice.

And thank you for your kind words, everyone! (I see what you did thar, Salamander. ) It makes me happy to know we have some of CP fans on here as well.

[Always]

Oh, VoOs, brilliantly done! Love the idea of scripted style, and Martin being allergic to chickens? priceless! It's really great to finally have some fics for this fandom.

Edited March 29, 2013 by Always

[Heathcliff]

I just wanted to say, I like this just as much as Tma's fic.

To get the feel of Cabin Pressure, you've got to get the banter between Douglas and Martin right- and you did it brilliantly! And like Tma's story, it's surprising but the sneezing does not feel out of place at all- this could be a real script.

Maybe some other sneezy radio scripts would be good in the future...

[AngelEyes]

Just spent an INCREDIBLY long road trip with an 11 year old. It was getting a bit out of hand tip I had the brilliant idea of putting Cabin Pressure on the iPad. She was Entranced! My second time listening to the series in the last month. Found your fix, and it's Brilliant!!!! Perfect!!! I love it!

[stargazer]

So cute. And as Arthur would say, Brilliant! Love that Martin was allergic to chickens.