"That's not a sneeze" (female)

[Chanel_no5]

**Note**

DWP characters don't belong to me. I still have fun playing with them though. Also, I should be ashamed for enjoying this so much. I still claim to be temporarily insane for having so much fun writing this fandom, but I hope you'll enjoy it too.

***

”AEECCHHH!”

Who would have believed that the composed, refined and soft-spoken editor-in-chief had such viciously violent sneezes? Certainly not Andy, anyway. She snorted to herself as she read through some emails, having already grown accustomed to the repeated explosions from the inner office.

Her co-worker Emily entered their shared space carrying a ton of bags, looking every bit as neurotic as always.

“Sorry I’m late, but they didn’t have the things ready for me and then there was this stupid traffic jam, and…”

“AAAHEEECHHHOO!”

Emily jumped and clasped a hand to her chest.

“Jesus Christ, what was that?!”, she hissed under her breath. Andy rolled her eyes.

“I don’t know why, but she’s been sneezing all morning”.

“That wasn’t a sneeze. That was a bloody nuclear blast”.

“You’ve worked here for two years and you’ve never heard her sneeze before?”

“Of course not. She’s Miranda Priestly. She doesn’t sneeze”.

“HAH-AEKSSHHHO!”

“Really?” Andy smirked. “So what did she just do?”

“Created a sonic boom”, Emily whispered as she slumped back in her chair, closing her eyes and starting to mutter her mantra; “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job…”

***

It felt as if she had a feather brushing ever so lightly against the sides of her sinuses. So light, so fluttery, and so unbearable. It had begun as soon as she woke up, but she had managed to fight it off valiantly – until she stepped inside the elevator at work. Eternally grateful that she never allowed anyone to share an elevator with her, she had rubbed furiously at her nose, sniffling liquidly, and yet getting no other result than an even more intense urge to sneeze. She had stifled the first set of them, but had soon realised that if she didn’t let them out, the annoying irritation wouldn’t go away.

So she had decided against her usual embarrassment at the fact that she was human, pretending that it didn’t bother her the slightest to interrupt her standard rapid-fire commands with loud, throaty sneezes. Andrea had jumped well two feet right up in the air as Miranda exploded with the first uncovered, unstifled one while throwing her coat at her assistant’s desk. Miranda had responded to this by giving the brunette the obligatory once over, and although her eyes had been watering and feeling slightly irritated, her glare was as intimidating as ever. Andrea hadn’t commented on the sneeze, neither had Miranda; she had simply finished her glaring and her command-spitting, and dismissed the assistant with the customary “that’s all”. Then she had gone into her office, closed the glass doors (which gave little if any privacy, what had she been thinking?) and concentrated on her misery.

She wasn’t sure what was going on; she didn’t feel as if she was coming down with a cold – those usually began with a sore throat and a pounding headache - and the burning in her eyes indicated that it was some kind of allergic reaction. It was beyond absurd; who gets hayfever after fifty anyway?

“Apparently I do”, she murmured in a congested voice before yet another enormous sneeze ripped through her delicate frame. Her elegant nostrils flared as another sneeze started to build right upon the heels of its predecessor. Her breath hitched several times before the sneeze – apparently a shy one – decided to come out. Groaning quietly, she reached for a designer handkerchief, made from the softest silk and decidedly more appropriate for show than for use, and blew her nose fiercely.

***

“My God! Is she dying in there, or what!?” Emily gasped. Andy looked up from her typing and offered a tired smile.

“She blew her nose”, she explained slowly, as if talking to a little child.

Emily tapped her fingernails against her desk, looking nervous.

“How can you be so calm? It’s not normal”.

“Not normal? I’d say this is the most normal thing I’ve ever heard about Miranda doing”, Andy replied, not adding that the sudden slip of the Snow Queen mask was terribly endearing to her. “So, maybe she’s coming down with a cold. Big deal. Everybody does once in a while”, she said, smiling at Emily again.

“If she’s getting sick, someone is going to get fired”.

“Andrea….” a soft but audibly stuffy voice drifted into the assistants’ office. Andy got to her feet and nearly stumbled towards the glass doors.

“Yes, Miranda?”

“Fetch some medicine. That’s all”.

Right. Some medicine. What kind of medicine, more exactly? Nose spray? Zicam? Tamiflu? Benadryl? Oh, why can that woman never go into specifics unless she’s insulting someone, Andy raged within, shrugged at Emily and left the office, heading for the nearest pharmacy.

***

As Andy returned with the requested items (at least with what she hoped was the requested items), Miranda stared at her over a soaked silk handkerchief, trying to summon her best Dragon Lady look but only managing to look miserable and sneezy.

“What on earth has led you to believe that Tamiflu helps with hayfever? I don’t understand how someone claiming to be as bright as you, can confuse antihistamines with anti-virals”.

“Um, you never actually said antihistamines…” Andy mumbled.

“Must I spell everything out for you?”, Miranda gave an exasperated sigh and immediately realised that it was a mistake, as the sharp inhale of air fuelled the tickle, transforming it into a fiery and urgent itch that could only end one way.

The sneeze bent her over at the waist and despite her desperate attempt to cover, some of the spray found its way out, glittering in the morning sun.

“Bless…” Andy began.

“You are crossing the line now”, Miranda warned with an icy glare. Andy’s mouth snapped shut with an audible “click”, followed by a likewise audible gulp. Cold blue eyes observed her for what felt like an eternity, before Miranda lost interest. She flicked her wrist dismissively and muttered a breathy; “that’s all”, before releasing another violent sneeze into the drenched fabric. Andy walked away, unable to stop a smile of both endearment and amusement.

Emily’s right. That’s not a sneeze, that’s a goddamn nuclear blast.

[smooshi]

"A big, big applause for Miranda for finally memorizing Andy's name!"

I yelled that out once while reading the book and now it just came to my mind.

I like this story! Very well written.

Umm...

That's all.

[Curiosity234]

...That's a space station.

[Guest]

wonderful

[count tiszula]

Excellent stuff. You know it occurs to me that, although on this forum the convention is that everyone hates sneezing and is embarrassed by it, in reality high status individuals like bosses have no reason to care , and in fact may exaggerate their sneezes as a display of dominance. I know male bosses who did this, and I'm sure it must apply to ladies too......

[Chanel_no5]

Loca: Thank you so much!! You know, I'm not so sure Miranda actually have a problem remembering Andy's name.. that's one of the power techniques, to call someone by the wrong name and in a way deny them their identity. It works very quickly in tearing someone's self-confidence down. Very efficient, very hurtful. I've encountered a few people who does this, and it would fit her personality very well.

curiosity: okay..?

hankman: Thank you.

count: Thanks! Yeah, well, I feel that either way would fit her. She'd either be the "mental block-silent stifler", or the "careless loud sneezer". Personally I would be very embarrassed by sneezing in public, especially if I was in charge, and I think most insecure people would, regardless of whether their insecurity is obvious or not. But yes, there are also high status individuals who would exaggarate their sneezes just to show themselves as dominant. So... yeah, I think she could fit into either of those categories. Which is why it's so much fun to write both.

Edited August 17, 2012 by Chanel_no5

[TheCakeIsAlive]

Poor Andy. Now I have a lovely imagine in my mind of Miranda. xD Very nicely written. ^^

[NoV]

“Apparently I do”, she murmured in a congested voice before yet another enormous sneeze ripped through her delicate frame.

Enormous sneezes ripping through delicate frames never fails to get my attention A pleasure to read, as always.

[PollenFiend]

Hi Chanel. You know I always love your allergy sneezefics. Thanks for another lovely contribution!

I just added a chapter to mine, so I hope you like it too. In my next one I'm definitely going to include some willpower-sapping allergy symptoms, despite a character's struggle for control. I think how you write those kinds of scenes is fantastic. Thanks so much for writing. I love every single fic.

[Chanel_no5]

Siggy: Mm, poor Andy. And, I suppose I should say poor Miranda, too.

NoV: I was hoping you'd like that. Glad you did.

pfsf: Thank you! I just commented on yours, too.

[Monrovia]

This is very entertaining. What colour handkerchiefs are Miranda using? An important detail, I think.

[Chanel_no5]

I'd imagine a Gucci silk handkerchief coloured the tone of warm heartwood.

[Monrovia]

Warm heartwood sounds nice - a designer silk of reds and oranges would suit her well too, I think. Thanks!