”That’s all” (female)

[Chanel_no5]

**note**

First off, I don’t own The Devil Wears Prada or any of the characters, I just borrow them to play with. This is based on the movie version, where Meryl Streep plays Miranda and Anne Hathaway plays Andy.

You all know how crazy I am for bitches, right? And quite frankly, there is chemistry between Meryl and Anne in the movie (although both actresses are straight as arrows as far as I know), and thus perfect foundation for femslash to thrive on.

Also, there are hints in the movie that could be used beautifully for fetish fiction – I’m surprised there is only one fic except for mine (zakandsara wrote one way back – I’m sorry I didn’t comment on it but I wasn’t posting on this forum much in -08, but I really enjoyed it! can I encourage you to write more..? )… but remember, there is one cold reference (“that was before my first assistant decided to be the incubus of the viral plague”, Miranda concludes it but still lets said first assistant tag along right beside her, also gives her the task to hang her coat…), and Miranda seems to have a fixation on freesias, as it comes up twice: “no freesias, I don’t want them anywhere near me”, and later on “Do I smell freesias? I don’t want to see freesias anywhere or I will be very disappointed”) – what’s up with that? To an allergy fetishist, this is what’s up – allergies.

So… here we go.

****

The scent of her new perfume preceded her as she entered the corridors of Runway, the fashion magazine she ruled with ruthless and heartless determination. She knew she was feared, hated and admired, often by the same people at the same time, and while it used to feel good, nowadays it started to feel empty. She wasn’t about to show it, though. She never showed weakness.

Deep in thought, she hardly noticed the first makeup assistants sneezing, but as she was nearly at her office, she stopped and turned around, glaring at the first person she could find. It happened to be Serena. The young woman was pressing a finger underneath her nose, sniffling, obviously trying to hold back a sneeze. She was most definitely not the first one this morning, Miranda mused. Serena managed to fight off the sneeze and smiled meekly at Miranda, who simply rolled her eyes and walked on. She came close to actually jumping with start as the Brazilian girl let out a huge “HA-rAASSCHHO!” behind her. Luckily, she managed to avoid such embarrassment, but it annoyed her to the point where she almost turned around and threw one of her trademark icy insults at Serena. But by then she had two new annoyances to deal with. One was her first assistant, Emily, who had her nose buried in a tissue and very clearly was in the middle of a sneezing fit. She stopped from sheer fright as she saw Miranda, but the older woman was not going to let this slide.

“What is the matter with everybody today?” she asked in a silky, soft, poisonous voice.

Emily looked absolutely terrified before the vacant look of impending sneeze came over her features, and she couldn’t hold back.

“IiikSSCH! ISssheww!”

Miranda gave her a look that could kill.

“Stop that”, she spat, turned around and threw her coat and bag on her second assistant (and second annoyance) Andy Sachs’ desk. The pretty brunette grabbed the coat and went to hang it. Miranda saw the suspect vacant look creeping into her eyes as well, and just when Andy inhaled sharply, Miranda snapped;

“Don’t spray the coat!”

She went into her office and settled down in her chair, starting to look through the magazines that were spread over her desk. Muffled, stifled and one or two full-blown sneezes kept echoing outside her office, in her assistants’ office, in the corridors… she shook her head, pursing her lips in displeasure.

What the hell is wrong with everybody today?

Nigel entered her office with the latest photo spread. He seemed unaffected.

“Nigel, thank God someone is immune to this apparently contagious weakness”, Miranda said. “This office sounds like a sanatorium”.

“I believe people cough at sanatoriums, but I see your point”, Nigel said. Miranda rolled her eyes.

“Whatever it is, it’s grating on my nerves. They have to stop doing that annoying sound. Now”, Miranda said, looking up only to see Andy desperately trying to stifle a sneeze. “Stop that. What is the matter with you all today?”

“I think… I think your new perfume…” Andy began, interrupted herself with a semi-loud “Heh-TSChuh!”, then wiped at her nose and blinked.

“My perfume? Don’t be ridiculous. Only cheap perfumes triggers that kind of reaction in people. You lot are only touchy”, she scoffed. “That’s all”, she dismissed Andy, who seemed grateful to escape the Dragon Lady, or at least the heavy floral scent that surrounded her.

“It is a bit on the heavy side, though”, Nigel said, almost apologetically. Miranda sniffed her wrist and shrugged.

“Not in my opinion, but I am having an appointment with one of those overly sensitive new designers at ten, so perhaps I should wash it off”.

The “touchy” girls kept sneezing throughout the morning even after she did, and when Miranda left, she delivered a snarky remark about them being overly sensitive, weak, stupid and generally incompetent, to each and every one she encountered on her way to the elevators. Little did she know what would await her after she got back from lunch, when the “silly girls” had stopped their sneezing.

***

At first, she didn’t think much of the light, feathery tickle in the back of her nose; she merely pressed the back of her hand against her nose for a moment, thinking it would relieve the sensation. It didn’t help. She took off her glasses and rubbed the sides of her nose with both hands, up and down, but if anything, it only made the tickle increase. She sniffed, but that wasn’t only ineffective, it was a severe mistake. The tickle immediately turned into an itch so intense she forgot how to breathe at all for a moment. When she did remember how to breathe, it was a shallow, shaky breathing, building up to a sneeze. Miranda was horrified. She pinched her nose shut and stifled a soundless sneeze, followed by a quick and breathless triple, thank God still silent. Her head bobbed forward with each fiercely bottled stifle and her eyes started to water. She blinked, hoping her makeup wouldn’t be ruined by this pointless study in human body functions. As she removed her hand from her face, the itch returned, even stronger this time. Another sneeze snuck up on her and she couldn’t stifle it completely.

“kXTSCHgh!”

She stared, disbelieving, at the mess the failed stifle had produced all over her hand. She sniffled wetly, put her hand back up in front of her nose to hide possible traces, and stuck her head outside the doors.

“Andrea. Get me some tissues”.

As her sinuses started to swell in what she could swear was an allergic reaction, the congestion was now audible in her voice, not too obvious yet, but it would be. And the damn tickle – if you could call it a tickle, it was more of a burning irritation by now – still lingered, not satisfied by even as much as five sneezes. That was five more than Miranda had let out, stifled or non-stifled, within earshot or any human being, for twenty-five years. This was not acceptable!

When Andy entered Miranda’s office with a box of Kleenex, the silver-haired woman was pacing around the office on her four inch heels, pinching her nose and blinking away tears. She snatched a handful of tissues from the box and barely had time to get them up to her face before she sneezed again.

Andy hesitated, waiting for Miranda to either say her trademark “that’s all”, or simply wave at her to get the hell out of her office, but she did neither. She was utterly focused on the tingle in her nose.

“Ahh…hah-AESSCHH!”

Andy didn’t know whether to bless her boss or try to be as invisible as possible. Miranda wasn’t finished, though, so she didn’t have to make the decision just yet.

“Hah-AESCHH! AAH- ESSChuh -ahh! Huhhh… huhh… ISSCHew! Hah-yESSCHH!”

“B-bless you, Miranda”, Andy said nervously. The sight of this unapproachable Ice Queen of a boss losing her complete control – even over her vocal cords; Andy hadn’t been sure until now that Miranda was capable of making such loud sounds she exploded with at the moment – was in fact more intimidating than said boss’s usual bitchiness. Still, as Miranda gave her best death glare through watery eyes that kept closing, Andy got the message. No blessing Miranda Priestly. Got it.

Normally, Miranda would rather die than call attention to herself with such a disgusting not to mention human thing as sneezing or even worse, nose-blowing, but her suffering was so intense she cast all modesty overboard and blew her nose with so much force it felt like she was going to faint. The sound she produced could not by any means be called “ladylike” or “dainty”, it was a wet, violent and gurgling blow that made her shudder and Andy’s eyes widen in surprise. Miranda noticed this but dismissed it as unimportant; the only thing that mattered to her at the moment was relieving the irritation in her nasal passages or die trying. After she finished blowing her nose, she wiped it carefully to remove all traces of lingering wetness, and held out the drenched tissues to Andy, who took them without even making a face of either repulsion or sympathy. Miranda noticed this as well and made a mental note to herself to remember Andy’s composure for later. Then the intense need to sneeze overwhelmed her again. Her now slightly reddening nostrils flared in a way that was almost graceful, and her lips parted against her will as she sucked in air in shallow, helplessly hitching breaths. She raised her hands up to her face, mostly because she didn’t want to be seen spraying mucous and saliva. She didn’t have the slightest interest in soaking her hands either, and luckily Andy realised this because she stepped into the line of fire and stuck a fresh bunch of tissues into Miranda’s hands. Just as she grasped the paper cloth, Miranda inhaled sharply and surrendered to yet another violent fit of sneezing, that ruined her composure and made her slender body bend over again and again. This attack was throaty and hoarse, sending burning bolts of pain down her throat with each explosion.

“AEEHHOO! Ahh-rISSCHhoo!! AH-YIESCHOO!”

She was breathless when the immediate urge to sneeze, if not the itch, calmed down. Her entire poise was ruined, and the look in her watery, red-rimmed eyes was wild as she grasped Andy’s shoulder. Andy looked at her, shocked. This woman was not one for body contact. Ever. How she had been able to produce two kids was beyond Andy’s comprehension.

“Andrea!”

That low-pitched, almost silent, (not to mention sexy) speaking voice she normally used had been traded in for an, admittedly fairly quiet, shriek. That of a desperate and enraged woman.

“I want to know why this is happening!”

Luckily for Andy, Nigel came to the rescue, as he saw the panic settling on Andy’s face as she was getting nearly as desperate as Miranda, but for a complete different reason. Just seeing Nigel made Andy calm down.

“Miranda”, Andy said gently, knowing that asking this woman any question had the potential of being life-threatening, “do you have any allergies that you know of?”

Miranda tried to treat her to one of her trademark glares, but there was little left of the intimidation she used to be able to beckon.

“Of course I know what I’m allergic to”, she snarled. “None of those things should ever come in contact with me”.

How utterly Miranda of her, Andy thought. Allergens come in contact with her. Not her come in contact with the allergens.

“What would it be? It might be easier to track it down and remove it, if we know what it is”,

Andy tried to push on. Miranda blew her nose again, interrupted herself with a sudden sneeze, and then kept blowing.

“Freesias. As you are well aware of”, she said into the tissue, and as her eyes closed in anticipation of another sneeze, Andy and Nigel exchanged quick looks. Nobody knew Miranda was allergic to freesias. Only that she detested them.

“It must be the flower arrangements they delivered during lunch hour for the photo shoot”, Nigel said. “I’ll deal with it”.

Miranda struggled to keep her breathing under control enough to give commands, but her resolve cracked as another powerful sneeze was building, and she turned away, cupped her hands in front of her face and let out a huge “AH-EESSCHH!”

“This isn’t working, I have to get out of here right this instant”, she said to Andy and started walking towards the doors, the sound of her 4 inch heels clicking at the floor. “Coat, bag”, she said over her shoulder as she kept walking, sniffling frantically and kept the back of her hand against her nose as if to push the oncoming sneezes back in.

Andy had to struggle to keep up with Miranda, who had not quite reached the elevator when she was struck by a rapid fire fit that forced her to stop. Andy almost walked right into her, a faux-pas that would’ve rendered her a harsh comment if Miranda hadn’t been so focused on her own burning, streaming nose that she was unaware of anything not immediately related to what it was up to. Andy grasped some more tissues and handed her boss, who urgently snatched them and blew her nose again. Her nose was running so profusely that it only took one good blow before the soaked paper came apart between her fingers and as Andy reached for the messy tissues and swapped them for some fresh and dry, she gave Andy a look that was so utterly un-Miranda it was even more unsettling than the never-ending mocks. She looked defeated. Her usually perfect makeup was now smudges and streaks in a flushed face, her eyes were swollen, red and watery. Her elegant patrician nose had gone from pale to pinkish to glowing scarlet in the few minutes she had been exposed to the pollen that set her off. Her aristocratic arched nostrils flared as another torturous sneeze started to build. Her eyelids fluttered and a teardrop, heavy with mascara, fell from her eyelashes and onto her white blouse. It left a charcoal-shaded stain that Miranda didn’t notice yet, but would possibly kill someone over when her worst misery was over. Still, Andy’s heart ached with a sudden and painfully intense sympathy. This was Miranda’s greatest fear; not only losing control but doing so in public.

“Andrea”.

She had gathered something that resembled her usual composure, and the sound of her close-to-purring voice made Andy’s stomach drop – but this time it wasn’t entirely unpleasant.

“Yes, Miranda”.

“I am not walking through the entire Elias-Clarke building while sneezing my head off”.

As if to prove her point, she sneezed again.

“But…” Andy’s mind was racing – how would she get Miranda out of there without walking through the building? How? Miranda was of no particular help coming up with ideas. She simply flicked her wrist at Andy in a dismissive manner.

“You can do anything, right? Just get me out of here”.

Without further ado, Miranda went into the elevator and made an impatient gesture for Andy to join her. Andy watched as Miranda pinched her nose between thumb and index finger, breathing through her mouth as she rubbed her nose fiercely. Andy bit her lip, feeling sorry for Miranda. Her poor nose must feel like it was on fire…

Fire! Fire escape!

Andy flipped her cell phone open, called Roy, Miranda’s driver, and told him to wait by the fire escape on the back of the building, then called the security downstairs and told them to turn the alarm of the fire escapes off for five minutes. When they refused, she threatened them in her best – or worst – Miranda Impression and got her way. Sometimes it was more efficient being ruthless than begging. A lesson she supposed Miranda had learned long ago. She then turned back at her boss.

“Roy is waiting and we can go through the emergency exit without worrying about the alarm”, Andy reported with a hint of pride in her voice. Miranda’s face remained expressionless. Well, unless you counted the intense discomfort her eyes and nose displayed. Her nostrils twitched, and she was sniffling. She looked miserable, messy and adorable.

Adorable? Now where did that come from? Andy blinked and shook her head at herself, smiling.

“Do pray tell, what is it that you find so amusing?” Miranda snapped. “If it’s my condition, I can assure you that you wouldn’t look so smug if you were me this moment”.

“No, Miranda, of course not, I’m sorry. My mind just wandered”.

“Don’t let it. It might not come back”.

Miranda probably intended for this to sound like another of her snarky, demeaning remarks, but it sounded like a pearl of wisdom rather than a punch of bitchiness to Andy.

She said nothing in response, only lowered her glance and tried to keep her facial features in check. Miranda dug her nose into a fresh wad of tissues and blew as hard as she could. The sound bounced off the walls in the small space and Andy was close to hysteria. Who knew it was so easy to tear down the Ice Queen’s façade?

***

I will not sneeze any more, Miranda told herself. It will not do, to keep losing it in front of staff or… anyone. I will not sneeze again.. But her nose was so itchy she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep her promise for more than a few minutes, and even that was probably pushing it. She clenched her teeth and refused to allow herself to take deep breaths. She knew that if she made the mistake of sniffling again, or inhaled too deeply, she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from sneezing. It was bad enough that tables had turned on her after this morning, bad enough that her minions, including the one standing next to her carrying the tissue box, were probably amused and smug about the turn of events… but even that faded in comparison to the roaring flames in her nose. God, she hated freesias. It wasn’t fair that she should have the power to do almost anything to anyone, and yet something as ridiculous as freesias made her façade come undone every single time she encountered them.

Somehow, she managed to fight down the urge to sneeze until Andrea had gotten her out of the building and into the waiting car. It didn’t help telling herself that she was out of the devilish pollen’s reach; her nose was still as itchy. Stifling two quick sneezes into a tissue, she slid into the back seat of the car and immediately raised the privacy screen. Andy sat next to her, fidgeting. Miranda hated the fumbling unease that the girl resorted to ever so often with a passion, too. You’d think she believed Miranda would actually turn around and eat her alive.

It’s your obvious awkwardness around me that really annoys me, Andrea, not you… in fact, I’m quite fond of you, she thought as she looked at the younger woman. But she didn’t say it. She had already ruined enough of her Ice Queen persona today. And the way her nose felt, she wasn’t done ruining it yet.

“Tissues”, Miranda commanded, her voice starting to rise at the end of the word, and as Andy handed her some more Kleenex, Miranda’s breath hitched through several false starts. Her face was a mask of pure torture. She brought the tissues to her face, rubbing the paper cloth against her burning nose hoping it would either bring the sneezes out or relieve the tickle. It did nothing. Her breath kept coming in these irritating shallow gasps, as the burning reached its pitch and then… let her down. Miranda was furious. “I ha-have to sneeze… it won’t come out”, she murmured.

Well, duh, I can tell, Andy thought. Then she realised that Miranda was really saying; I have to sneeze, but I can’t, so do something about it. Like what? God, no, my boss isn’t actually telling me to make her sneeze, is she?

“Well?” Miranda’s voice was impatient but out of breath, yet the lethal silkiness in it was quite unaffected by her agony.

“Uh…” Andy replied intelligently.

“Eloquent as usual… huhhh… oh my G-god…”, Miranda whimpered and rubbed at her nose again. “Stop staring and help me, for heaven’s sake!”

“How?!” Andy blurted out. How do you make someone sneeze? Pepper? Put something up their nose? Not a chance Andy would put anything up Miranda’s nose even if she told her to in the clearest command she ever gave in her life. Not gonna happen.

“Are you wearing that hideous cheap perfume you usually wear?”

“Ahem, uh, yes?”

Miranda motioned with one finger for Andy to lean closer. She leaned in and inhaled Andy’s perfume. Andy gasped as she could feel her boss’s hot, shallow breaths against her neck, and hoped Miranda wouldn’t notice how she suddenly got all hot and bothered.

This is not happening, Andy thought.

“Ah-YIESCHOO! Hah-ekSSCHH!”

Miranda did turn her face away as the perfume started to work its magic on her aggravated nasal passages, but the sneezes were so wet some of the spray hit the side of Andy’s face. Miranda sniffled as she leaned back, and a most unusual blush started to glow on her face. She reached out her hand and wiped at Andy’s cheek.

“I think I sprayed you. My apologies”.

Andy blinked. This was so surreal she couldn’t fathom any of it. I must be dreaming. There is no way it can be this weird working for Miranda Priestly. No way.

“It’s fine”, she said. “Did it help?”

“It did. Thank you”.

Thank you? It was only getting more surreal.

Andy’s phone rang.

“Yes?”

“It’s Nigel. The florists had put freesias in the decorations. Head’s gonna roll, that’s one thing for sure. They’ve removed it, but we need to get someone to clean up. If she reacted that strongly to them being in the damn building, I don’t think she can come back at all today”.

Andy passed this piece of information to Miranda, expecting her version of a hissy fit in response, but Miranda was too exhausted to put on her impossible persona.

“Very well”, was all she said.

Andy looked at Miranda’s flushed face and the completely ruined make-up. Mascara, eyeliner, eye-shadow, it was way beyond racoon eyes, and the incessant noseblowing and rubbing had rubbed most of the powder and foundation off her face as well.

“Miranda? Your makeup…”

“Ah, yes. I should imagine it’s mostly in liquid form at the moment. Those bloody incompetent dim-witted foolish… oh… oh… I… aaAAEEHHOOO!”

Andy peeled out another couple of tissues from the rapidly shrinking supply, leaned in and hoped for a moment that her perfume wouldn’t make Miranda’s agony worse, but determinately put the tissues against Miranda’s runny, irritated nose.

“Blow”, she commanded in that low, almost purring voice she had learned from the woman who perfected it. Miranda nearly flinched at the intimacy of her assistant’s move, but her nose was so filled with mucous and pollen, she really needed to empty it. So she simply obeyed, blowing her nose’s content into the two sheets of Kleenex that separated her assistant’s hand from her nose. Andy finished by wiping Miranda’s nostrils with a firm and yet tender swipe.

“You poor thing”, Andy mumbled under her breath as she had magically disposed of the used, drenched tissues, and found some wet wipes. They weren’t of any fancy designer brand, but frankly, Miranda didn’t bother at the moment. She wanted to let Andy care for her, and since it was obvious that Andy wanted to, she just lowered her guard, if only for a moment.

“I’m going to clean you up a little, if that’s alright with you. You can stop me anytime. Oh, and if my perfume bothers you, just tell me, and I’ll scoot over”.

“’Scoot over’? You handle the English language less sufficient than one would expect from a writer”.

“Thank you Miranda”, Andy said patiently and without much care, as she was focused on removing the smudged makeup that made Miranda’s eyes look rather racoonish.

“Why do you do this?”

“Um… I don’t understand”.

Miranda sighed, but not sounding really annoyed.

“I mean this. Why do you keep taking all I throw at you? You don’t need to. You’re not even interested in fashion, for Christ’s sake! Emily’s hero worshipping, that I can understand. You… why you are still around, I cannot fathom”.

“Do you want me to leave, Miranda? If you aren’t pleased with me, I suppose…”

“Oh, no. Uh-uh. Don’t suppose when it comes to me. I never said I wanted you to leave. And I most certainly never said I wasn’t… pleased…”

The final word came out sounding like a purr.

“… in fact, I think you are very… pleasing. I merely want to know why you are still here”.

I am so not telling my bitch boss from hell that I’m in love with her, no matter how strange she is behaving, Andy thought and dabbed at the corner of Miranda’s left eye with the wet wipe, gently removing a tiny speck of mascara. She was pretending to be so focused on this that she couldn’t answer, but of course, she simply procrastinated.

“Think very carefully about what you say next, Andrea, because I just saw something in your eyes, and I will know if you lie to me. Believe me, I will know”.

And she probably would, too. That was the problem. Lying to Miranda wasn’t an option.

“I’m here because I care about you, Miranda”.

“That is not a reason”.

“Then I don’t know what to tell you, because that’s the only reason I have to give”.

“Don’t be absurd, nobody cares about me. Nobody cares, and neither should you”.

“What a person should do and what they in fact do are often very different things”, Andy replied and finished her cleanup, giving an approving nod at the result. “You might need a touch-up, especially around the eyes, but all in all, it looks fine now”.

Miranda pulled a pocket mirror out of her Prada bag and stared at her reflection.

“Fine?” she said sceptically. “You think this looks fine?”.

“I do. You look fine. You’re beautiful, Miranda. As for whether I should care or not, I don’t think you can order me around on that. I do care. You can fire me and blacklist me from here until eternity; I will still care about you”.

“But you don’t care about fashion”.

Oh God. How was it possible that a grown up woman could act so much like a moody teen?

“True. I could care less about Runway. But I care about you”.

Miranda pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes and shook her head slightly as she held up her other hand to stop Andy from launching into ramblings.

“That’s all”.

Then she gave Andy a smile so brilliant it took fifteen years off her face the way no makeup in the world could.

“…for now”, she added, and was there a hint of affection in her voice? Andy thought there might be.

The end

[count tiszula]

Wonderful! And very well done with the inclusion of sneezing from the minor characters! You are quite right about those plot elements, and indeed by the end of the film is it not made clear that there is real affection between the two principals? All it takes are the right circumstances......

And the bit where Andrea makes her sneeze and gets sprayed is to say the least exciting....

[NoV]

Epic! Love the way you write the relationshp between Andy and Miranda - and this time i think you have surpassed yourself in the sneezing Love stories when the sneezing is as relentless as this.

[TheCakeIsAlive]

Hmmm... I think I may have a newfound appreciation of freesias.

Lovely story.

[Chanel_no5]

count: Thank you so much! Yeah, the plot elements in the move could have been used more efficiently, if I may say so. We all know Meryl can fake a good sneeze (but can she fake a whole fit?? Inquiring minds want to know...); it would be interesting to know if Anne can do that, too. Or am I being greedy now?

NoV: Thank you! I had a lot of fun writing it, not only because it was quite fun to keep the sneezing going on.. but also because I find writing their relationship highly entertaining. They're the epitome of my favourite kind of couple: strict, mature woman and bubbly young girl.

Siggy: Thanks!! Ah, they could've used the freesia reference so well in the movie, too bad they didn't. Then again, that means I got to do it for them, which was fun.

[zakandsara]

Thanks for the shoutout! I love your story, too! It's pretty amazing

[Chanel_no5]

Thank you!!