One for the Birds

[Anonymouse]

In which I write a few pages based on a half-baked idea I had that Skwisgaar is allergic to birds.

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When Charles first entered the room Nathan was certain he hadn’t seen the falcon that was perched on his shoulder. At least, his expression didn’t shift from its usual robotic calm to something more severe, like it did all the other times they got in trouble. Charles sat down and adjusted his glasses as he gazed at the stack of papers before him, not even bothering to acknowledge the fact that almost all of them, with the exception of Skwisgaar, were there before he was, and on time – a rare occurrence, as they usually failed to show up at all.

Then, without looking up from his papers or even bothering to stop scanning the thick lines of text before him, Charles cleared his throat. “Nathan,” he deadpanned, prompting Pickles, who was leaning over to presumably congratulate Nathan on getting away with the falcon thing, to quickly retreat back to his own seat.

“Uhh…” Nathan was cut off when the falcon let out a sudden screech that made everyone except Charles jump in their seats. “What’s, uh… what’s up?”

“I think you know very well what’s up.”

“Uhhhhmmm… I don’t know what you’re—”

“The bird, Nathan.”

“Oh!” Funny, he was so bad at playing dumb when he was so good at actually being dumb. “This guy right here? He, uhh… I don’t… know where he came from,” he said slowly.

“Yeah you do, you bought him online, remember?”

Nathan glared across the table at Murderface, but before he could say anything Skwisgaar walked in, already in full-on diva mode.

“I’m too fuckings hungs-over for dis,” he groaned, gripping at his forehead and slouching against the doorframe.

Bragi (that was the name Nathan picked for the bird, selected at random from a database of Norse Gods) let out a squawk and extended his wings. Nathan felt the weight from his shoulder disappear and realized with a mixture of dread and amusement that the falcon was flying straight towards Skwisgaar. The blond reacted almost instantly, but there was not much he could do besides attempt to dodge the bird. He was unsuccessful.

“What de fucks!” he cried, still thrashing around even after the bird had settled on his right shoulder.

“Oh boy,” Charles muttered under his breath, already giving up on the possibility of having a productive meeting.

When Nathan wasn’t chastised he relaxed and allowed himself to enjoy this moment. Bragi was nibbling tenderly on a lock of Skwisgaar’s hair. The Swede, who had since settled down and was holding very still, the way people were told to stand to avoid getting stung by a bee, tolerated this for about ten seconds before trying to forcefully remove the bird from his shoulder.

“Hey, careful!” Nathan shouted. “He’s just a baby!”

“Ow!” Bragi dug his talons into the blond’s skin, essentially rooting himself to his shoulder. “A fuckings babies with claws!”

“Just relax, you get used to it.”

“I don’t wants t-tihh—ihNXCH-uhh… hh-heh’—INXGGT!”

He seized up suddenly, startling the bird, who squawked and extended his wings but did not dislodge himself from Skwisgaar’s shoulder. When he recovered he leered at the stubborn creature, who merely continued making a meal of his hair.

“Y’know, some lady at the zoo told me those things like bleahnds.”

“That was a cockatoo, not a falcon.”

Toki snorted, then repeated the word quietly to himself, smiling deviously like a kid who knew that what he was saying was naughty. “Cocks-atoo.”

“Nxkschhoo!”

Bragi let out another cry of protest as his human perch shook with the effort of trying to contain another sneeze. “Skwisgaar, I think you might be allergic,” Nathan pointed out stupidly.

Before Skwisgaar could refute this claim Charles cleared his throat again. He was the only man who could make such a disgusting bodily action sound authoritative. “Skwisgaar, if you would please have a seat, we have some very important business to discuss…”

Skwisgaar looked at his empty chair with some uncertainty, then made his way over and sat down. The bird didn’t move. In fact, he looked like he was quite comfortable where he was. Skwisgaar placed a hand over his entire face and let his elbow slide across the surface of the table until he was almost sprawled across it. Toki smirked at him, silently relishing in his discomfort.

“Well, ah… as I was saying, we—”

“IHNXSHH!”

“— have some very important—”

“Hehh’IHSHHoo!”

Charles stopped, watching Skwisgaar expressionlessly. Nathan stared at him for a long time, waiting for some kind of reaction, then checked to see if someone had tripped over his wire or knocked out his battery or whatever it was his robot manager used for energy. But then he spoke.

“Skwisgaar?”

“EhXNSHT!” Snff. “Ja?”

“I really do think you might be allergic.”

Skwisgaar surfaced from behind his hand, two watery blue eyes fixed on the CFO. “Then gets dis fucking t’ings off me.”

“Nathan, if you can’t get the bird to behave then I’m afraid I’ll have to have it, ah… removed.”

“Workin’ on it,” the singer grunted, already digging in his falcon pouch for treats.

“Are thosche dead rats?” Murderface asked, sounding a little too interested.

“Yeah, he loves these things, rascally little goofball. See?”

He tossed one of the rodents onto the table, eliciting a squeak of surprise from Toki. “Poor little mousies!”

“Falcons gotta eat too,” Nathan said defensively.

Bragi eyed the rat with mild interest, then swooped forward suddenly, grabbing the morsel by its tail and circling the room as he gobbled it down. Skwisgaar watched the bird warily, hunching forward slightly in an attempt to make his shoulders inaccessible.

Nathan lifted a gloved hand and made a clicking sound with his mouth. The bird swiveled its head to look at him and lunged down mid-circle, landing gracefully with his wings outstretched and gripping his talons securely into the leather. Skwisgaar shuddered, his own bare shoulder still smarting from this same treatment.

“Now get him out of here,” Charles commanded, “and don’t bring him back into this room again.”

“As you wish, master.”

[Masking]

I freaking love this! Skwisgaar being allergic to birds is AWESOME, and I love how good Nathan is with his bird. Rascally goofball indeed. Also, Toki.

[Anonymouse]

Aww theeenks. I like the idea of Nathan being competent with something too.

I just wanted to add that the name "Bragi" was actually not chosen at random (by me, anyway). He's actually the Norse god of poetry, which I thought was fitting for Nathan.