Observations of a Fetishist Drummer

[Masking]

The title was AnonyMouse's idea, way back in July. As usual, I gotta say it: I don't own Metalocalypse.

Not sure if this is going to be a series or not. Could be a one-shot...maybe not.

~

Pickles could always tell when it was spring, even if he got really drunk and didn't go outside for three days (which happened pretty often). He didn't know it was spring because of the stupid flower-shaped pins some of the Klokateers wore. He didn't know it was spring because Charles started making noises about cleaning (fuck that). And he definitely didn't know it was spring when Toki started getting all bouncy and un-metal.

No - he knew it was spring because of his goddamn allergies. And today was no exception.

Even in a windowless stone room, wrapped up in his blankets with just enough of his face sticking out to enable breathing, he could feel his freckled nose start to tickle - just like it did every morning during stupid allergy season, right as he woke up. He yawned and wrinkled his nose, rubbing at it with his knuckle to try to keep the inevitable sneezes away (he'd been drinking the night before, as usual, so his repeated actions probably weren't a sign of insanity). "F-feck," he groaned. "Hate thihhh...this...hh'IKSHHuhh!"

The sneeze was open, as they always were when he was alone, and he sniffled. No way was he done; he never was after just one sneeze, satisfying as it felt to scratch the tickle. "Huhh'huhh'NGK'kshhiew! Ih'hahh...akshh!" His nostrils flared in and out, pink and wet already, so itchy that he could feel his chest heaving. "Hih'ahh'SHOO! Ihh'yehhh..." He sniffled, rubbing his now-runny nose. Was it going to get stuck? "Ehh...hehh...sh-shit..." He rubbed a fingertip against his nose, trying to get the itch out. "Ihh'hyehh...uhh...uhh'atschhu! Oh, gahd."

With an annoyed whine, he pushed himself onto his elbows and rubbed his nose with his hand. The allergic tickle was satisfied for now, but it probably wouldn't be for long. "Stupid feckin'...gah." Grabbing a crumpled bandana from the foot of his bed, he brought it to his nose, rubbed at it, and blew loudly until he'd expelled all the congestion he could. "Fecki'g allergies."

The ironic thing was that if it wasn't him, this would be hot. But it was him, so when his nose started to tingle again after the last blow, he only felt annoyed. "Ahhhh..." He rubbed the bandana against his irritated nostrils, trying to make the urge to sneeze go away - but no cigar. "Ahh'tshhh! Ihhh...ihh-hehh! HISHHahh! Uhhhh...AKSHHHeww!"

He flopped back onto his bed with a groan, hesitant to sniffle for fear that he'd just start sneezing again. When he finally did venture a sniffle, though, he found that the tickle was gone again - and it seemed that it would stay away for at least a few minutes. He gave his nose another rub with the bandana, blowing again. Still felt stuffy, though. It was just his luck.

"Wish this wasd't be," he complained to the ceiling. "It'd be haht, idstead of brutal id the daht-betal way."

Well, maybe...maybe other people would think it was metal and awesome. A grin spread across his face and made his eyes light up, and he scrambled across the bed to grab his laptop. A good self-obs on the forums, along with the good comments that it usually prompted, tended to make a really sneezy morning a lot better. Too bad that he always forgot that, and had to re-discover the idea when he wasn't too totally drunk to remember to post shit.

After waiting for his dumb douchebag computer to boot up, he wriggled his nose and rubbed it against the back of his hand as he opened up the Observations page. Clicking on "New Topic," he typed Self obs, M, really bad allergies in the text box and bit his lip, lost in thought. What could he say to make this as metal as possible? At least his username, GovWeed, made him snicker every time he got on the forums.

Finally, he started typing again.

I hate spring because my stupid allergies get really bad. I woke up a few minutes ago and just started sneezing before I even got out of bed which is WEIRD cause my room isn't even near any windows.

I sneezed five times. They sounded like this: "ISH'UUU!" My nose was so itchy you guys. It felt like there was a feather in both nostrils, and I couldn't sneeze it out. So I blew my nose instead into my bandana, and the blows were really wet and felt good. But they tickled my nose, and I had to sneeze again!

My nostrils got really big, I could feel them. I started to build up: "Ahh, AHHH!" I buryed my nose in my bandana and sneezed three more times: "IHHSHOO! AhhhTSHOOO! Huh-HUH-KSHHH!" So then I blew again. My bandana is all wet, I should get a new one.

There. That looked really awesome - not too many spelling errors (and he was still too drunk to correct them...too drunk), and people would probably like it. He hit the "post" button...and it was just in time, because he could feel his nose tickling again.

This time, he didn't try to grab his bandana. Instead, he reared his head back, took a huge breath in anticipation, and let go with the biggest build-up (and sneeze) of the morning so far. "Ihh'huhhhh...huhh...hihhh! Ehhh'hahh...ah'IESHHHoo!"

He sniffled, grinned, and wiped his nose. Even if his allergies were killing him, even if his nose was on fire and Charles was probably going to act all concerned and douchey at the band meeting later, even if there was a stupid band meeting later...at least he'd posted a really awesome, metal obs.

Edited March 31, 2012 by Masking

[NameTaken]

  Oh my god. PICKLES. Fgdsjrtjfgsfbd.

If only. I only this was real. Seriously, this is gorgeous. I love the idea of any Dethklok boys being fetishists, but I've always had a major soft spot for Pickles.

The sneeze was open, as they always were when he was alone, and he sniffled. No way was he done; he never was after just one sneeze, satisfying as it felt to scratch the tickle. "Huhh'huhh'NGK'kshhiew! Ih'hahh...akshh!" His nostrils flared in and out, pink and wet already, so itchy that he could feel his chest heaving. "Hih'ahh'SHOO! Ihh'yehhh..." He sniffled, rubbing his now-runny nose. Was it going to get stuck? "Ehh...hehh...sh-shit..." He rubbed a fingertip against his nose, trying to get the itch out. "Ihh'hyehh...uhh...uhh'atschhu! Oh, gahd."

This fit...aghhh

I wouldn't object to many, many more sections.

[Anonymouse]

I've been sneaking glances at this all weekend but now that I'm home and not constantly surrounded by people I can read this magnificent piece in its entirety.

That was quite possibly the best fit I've ever had the pleasure to read about. I love the idea of a sneezy morning Pickles. His obs were adorable, too - "My nose was so itchy you guys." And GovWeed. Maybe HuntForRedTiectober will comment on it later...

I'm with NameTaken, if this isn't a one-shot I'll be very happy. There's not enough Pickles on this board.

That last sneeze... guuuh.

Time to read it AGAIN!