Idle Hands... Are a Metal Plaything

[March Hare]

Yes! A Metalocalypse trade was agreed upon, and I had already started this bit of nonsense before realising that I never even once asked Mouse's preferences. Very remiss of me; but Mouse dear, I hope this is a little to your liking! Please tell me if there's anything I got wrong, because I didn't have time to do any research.

This is part 1, and part 2 is not in existence yet, but I promise I won't forget to write it

Enjoy!

~~~

The tour was over. As usual, it had been a phenomenal success, artistically as well as financially. Charles had given his men a month off to rest, relax, and come up with material for the new album - in that order, Nathan had stipulated, and Charles had graciously acquiesced. Of course, it would have been difficult for even him to do otherwise in the intimidatingly enormous and looming presence of Nathan Explosion, but that didn't make a difference in the outcome.

The weather was unseasonably fine for March, which prompted the five of them to stay inside with all the blinds shut and the airconditioning on. Pickles, who had the skin of a true redhead, insisted that sunburn was totally not metal; Murderface didn't like the feel of sweat in his moustache ("it'sh shtickier'n pussy juish, serioushly," he'd explain repeatedly to his bandmates, who most definitely did not want to know); and Skwisgaar had his own reasons for keeping the sun out, as well.

Toki found this out by accident on the first day after the tour, the day they had chosen to dedicate to bringing laziness and inebriation to new levels. He ambled into the kitchen in search of popcorn and found Skwisgaar, drunk out of his skull, sprawled in a puddle of beer and sunshine, an empty beer bottle beside him. He was sneezing his brains out.

"HIEESSSHH! HuhhhISSHHoo-ISSHehh! Hahh.... ahh... EEISCHHU-EKSCHHshh-NDSCHHoo! Fuck...!"

"Wowee," Toki said, backing off with a nervous little giggle. "Yous okays?"

Skwisgaar turned a bleary gaze on him, but in doing so he caught the rays of bright sun from the uncovered window right in the eye and he snapped forward again, chin smacking into the floor as he sneezed uncontrollably "IhhISSSH-ISSHOO... HEIIISHH! Ahhh...hh.... YISSSHHUH!"

"Close the fuckins coitains now," he groaned, sniffling. "Dildos suns keeps hehh... IESSHUH! make me sneeze..."

Toki giggled again. He couldn't help it. He wasn't wholly sober himself, and this image of Skwisgaar, too drunk to move and allergic to the sunlight, was just too funny.

"What ams you laughings about, you dildos... Ha-ISSCHT!"

"Ones more, Skwisgaar," Toki managed between giggles, "and tomorrows we ams having more of dis beautiful weathers..."

At that moment, the empty beer bottle that had been lying by Skwisgaar suddenly came whizzing past, a few inches from his shoulder. It crashed to smithereens on the tile floor of the hall outside the kitchen door. Toki yelped and ran from the kitchen, yelling over his shoulder "Closes de coitains you selfs, you drunks bastard!"

Skwisgaar growled something in reply, but Toki had disappeared. Oh well, it didn't matter. What mattered now was getting out of the damn sun. Who the fuck had left those blinds open, anyway?

Eyes firmly closed, he crawled on his hands and knees in some random direction, which happened to be that of the giant fridge. he slumped against it with a sigh of relief and fell asleep.

A few hours later, Pickles, in search of more beer to try and not spill into the hot tub, found him there. Skwisgaar was now lying half on his side, half on his back, with one endless leg crooked up against the refrigerator door. Pickles grinned, took the knee that was sticking up between his strong drummer's hands and proceeded to drag the snoring guitarist out of the way by his leg.

Skwisgaar came to with a violent start. He shouted something unintelligible in slurring Swedish, kicked wildly with both legs and punched the air with a strengthless fist nowhere in the vicinity of his assailant. Then he opened his eyes, saw that he was not in fact being abducted by violent country-and-western-playing homo alien rapists, and muttered "Pics-kles, wadde fucks amshu doing?"

"Lissin, dood," said the drummer cheerfully, "you was lyin' theer raht in fronta ma beer, yeah? So I had ta move ya."

"Hrmpf," Skwisgaar grunted.

"You want another?" Pickles asked, up to his waist in the fridge.

"Yeah."

"Catch. Wait, nah, nevermind." He emerged from the fridge, arms full of bottles, and put one of them on the floor next to Skwisgaar, who was trying valiantly to get some of his limbs back into a semi-ambulatory state. "Come git into the tub when yer awake, eh? We kicked Murdaface out fer fartin."

Skwisgaar considered this, which wasn't easy as his brain felt infested with liquor-soaked tumbleweeds, but eventually came to the conclusion that that was not such a bad idea.

"Alrights," he mumbled. "Ams... will comings."

~

TBC.

Edited April 5, 2012 by Maru-chan

[Anonymouse]

Omgomgomgomgomgomg yay. My head exploded when I saw this pop up in the new content.

The weather was unseasonably fine for March, which prompted the five of them to stay inside with all the blinds shut and the airconditioning on.

Meanwhile normal people are actually going out and enjoying it while these guys sit around on their privileged white asses inside.

Omg that first fit. Drunk, photic sneezes... guuuhh... you didn't even need to ask my preferences, you just knew. Skwisgaar paralyzed and completely helpless in a pool of sunlight on the floor...

I love his drunken undignified struggle to drag himself out of the sun.

Pickles grinned, took the knee that was sticking up between his strong drummer's hands and proceeded to drag the snoring guitarist out of the way by his leg.

!

Then he opened his eyes, saw that he was not in fact being abducted by violent country-and-western-playing homo alien rapists, and muttered "Pics-kles, wadde fucks amshu doing?"

DEAR LORD WOMAN. You seriously have me either drooling or cracking up with every sentence.

I can't even describe how amazing this was. I'm so glad you wrote about Skwisgaar. Guuuhhh those beautiful sneezes from that beautiful man... And I'm glad you decided to make them all drunk beyond belief. Idk why but that just adds something. You wrote each character so well too! Thank you so much for trading with me.

[Masking]

Everything AnonyMouse said. Yeah. Meanwhile, that is me: <---

[NameTaken]

Eeeeh Maru writing Dethklok fics. Omg. Seriously, this trade...<333

Photic Skwisgaar haha! I swear this is legit, now. It's just too perfect. And I've said this before, but I *love* your spellings. Just yes.

Hot-tub, you say? Can't wait for more!