The Contest (finished on 7/15)

[Masking]

BEST *RIFF*ING BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER. OMG.

Oh, and a stuffy Charles? And Nathan's nostrils? And FLOWER ALLERGIES? Yeah, you've pretty much killed my sensibilities.

Edited December 7, 2011 by Masking

[NameTaken]

Squeezing his eyes shut the front man hunched over, blowing his nose loudly into the dissolving tissues. “Fuck,” he repeated, letting the drenched wad fall to the floor by his feet. He sniffled and sat back, an uncharacteristically contemplative look on his face. “That felt kinda awesome.”

Ummm. Yeah. Just when I think it's impossible to love Dethklok any more, AnonyMouse happens. This whole fic is WONDERFUL. And I am loving Nathan's increasing nasal sensitivity. _{And him admitting to sneezing feeling so good augghhh...}

Enter the manager...things are getting interesting...

Trust me, this most definitely improved my day! Thankyou so much for writing more~

[Akahana]

lolz!!! This could get even more amusing...~<3

[inactiveaccount]

o.O

I... I... I think you killed my brain.

Oh my god this story is just so FANTASTIC. I needed this. Not only do we get more Swede sneezes, but the thing with Charles and NATHAN oh my god. He sneezed just by LOOKING at the flipping hair pin... amazing. Not to mention the fact that this provided a few good laughs, which also helped--I've been watching Higurashi Kai all day and now I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight.

Can't wait for the next part!

[kilala]

How do I keep missing everything you write?! This has to be one of the most hilarious and wonderful fics I've ever read. It's not often that all five of them are so involved and you did a great job with that, you even made Murderface's sneezing enjoyable They are just so awesome, Skwis really is a diva

Awesome stuff as always, and the fact that you actually made the board and keep updating their 'scores' is so cute. And their PR firm meeting you can still see a little. I love Toki being so reluctant to give Skwisgaar any points, & he writes them really tiny.

[Garnet]

I'm just going to bump all of your old Metalocalypse fanfics and bitch at you to finish them, okay? Okay. I NEED THAT CHARLES SNEEZING. I NEED IT.

Also, this is adorable and I laughed aloud at the whiteboard images and startled my cat. Good job.

[Anonymouse]

Oh heeeyyy guyyysss... just gonna sneak in here and pretend like it hasn't been four months since I last updated. Special thanks to Garnet for getting my ass in gear by bumping this and making me feel shameful in the fact that I can never finish anything I start. In a sudden burst of inspiration I've written and drawn a shit ton this weekend, so uhhh... enjoy?

---

All five band members stared back, petrified as if they had accidentally looked into the eyes of Medusa, except just-woken Charles was a much more menacing character. He quirked an eyebrow, then removed a red handkerchief from the pocket of his robe and pressed it against his nose with an irritated sigh. “Day’thend…”

Somehow, despite the congestion that made Charles almost incomprehensible, Nathan wasn’t too stupid to realize it was he who was being addressed, though in this moment of uncharacteristic brilliance he forgot he was still holding the hairpin in his nose. Pickles gestured frantically for him to take it out, but the front man didn’t seem to notice. “Yeah?”

“Would you bind expla’dihg to be what you boys are doihg?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

Charles knew that with Nathan’s lung capacity, that “uhh” could go on until morning, so he put an end to it while he still had the chance. “Devermide, just… try ad keep it dowd.” He groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose and massaging it gently. “By allergies are ki-hihh!… killihg be…”

He paused, suddenly taking notice of the bushels of wild flowers that were scattered across the coffee table. “What are those… d-doih’g ind here?” he demanded, still capable of looking stern despite an impending allergic fit.

As usual, the boys hadn’t devised some kind of cover story in the likely chance that they got caught. Not that there was anything wrong with a sneezing contest, except for the fact that it wasn’t… well… metal. The guitarists immediately pointed fingers at one another with accusatory cries of “He dids it!”, while Pickles took his chances with his usual excuse of “I’m too feckin’ high to know what’s even goin’ ahn right now.”

“I dodn’t care who did it, just gehh- … hehhKSHHah! EH’KSHH!”

Charles pitched forward, his face buried in his handkerchief and his small frame shuddering from the force of the sneezes. His breath wavered for a few indecisive moments, his eyes scrunching shut with another powerful “Hnnt’KSCHHHuhh!”

Pickles automatically uncapped his marker before staring at the board stupidly. “Wait, do I mark that?”

Dabbing his nose, Charles raised an eyebrow. “Bark what?”

“We’s counting our—” Toki began, but Skwisgaar slapped a hand over his mouth to shut him up.

“We’s keeping track of how many hours we ams practiced! It ams a contest.”

The other guys nodded in fervent agreement, though they still looked stupidly shocked at Skwisgaar’s ability to come up with a good cover-up. Toki just looked plain stupid. “But I thoughts—” he began, his voice muffled against Skwisgaar’s hand, then yelped as the other guitarist stomped on his foot.

“Guys, what did I say about keepihg your hands to yourself?”

“Ja, Skwisgaar, what did he s—”

“Shuts up, Toki! You’s ruins-ing everythings!”

“You r-ruins… everythiihhh…”

Skwisgaar barely had time to move his hand away before Toki sneezed, a wet “HheffKSHHah!” that he could feel spraying against his fingertips. “Hej!” he exclaimed indignantly, wiping his hand against Toki’s shirt. “You sloppies dildos! Watch de fingers, ah?”

For a moment it looked like Toki was seriously considering aiming the next sneeze directly into Skwisgaar’s face, but he took the high road and turned away, cupping his hands over his nose. “HhnnKSHH! Hh’hihh’KSCHHHHahh! – KSCHHHHaahh!”

“My goodness, Toki,” Charles said, approaching the rhythm guitarist and laying his hand against his shoulder in a fatherly sort of way, before turning to glare at the others. “What on earth are you doing to him?”

“He brought the flowers in,” Nathan said with a shrug. “I think he's some kind of masochist.”

“Why are you all—” Charles stopped, squinting at the white board that Pickles was trying to add Toki’s points to without drawing attention to himself. From this distance, without his glasses, he couldn’t decipher any of the words, so he made his way over until he was about a foot away from the board before sighing in exasperation. “Is this a sneezing contest?”

“Great, fucking party’sch over I guessch,” Murderface grumbled, tossing down his twisted tissue and folding his arms.

“I don’t care what you do,” Charles explained tersely, closing his eyes to regain his composure before turning back to his band. “Just… get rid of the flowers and try to keep it d-down.”

Whirling away, he smothered an irritated “Innfkshh!” against the crook of his arm before sighing again.

“Sure ya don’t wanna get in ahn this, Charlie?” Pickles asked. “At this rate, you stand a good chance a winnin’.”

Charles stared at Pickles for a moment. “Is there… sumb sort of prize?”

They all exchanged glances, then Pickles shrugged. “Nah… don’t think so.”

“Thend ndo thank you.”

Frowning, Pickles erased the “Charlie” category he’d added with the back of his hand, streaking his skin with red. “Suitcherself.”

When Charles shuffled out of the room they all looked at one another again. Nathan was still holding the bobby pin in his nostril, and only now just seemed to realize it. He wiggled it around a little, his jaw going slack, and sucked in a deep breath.

“Ah ah,” Pickles said, just as Nathan was tilting his head back. “Charlie said to be quiet.”

Nathan’s breath faltered and he had just enough time to leer at Pickles before ducking his massive body forward and pinching his nose between his fingers. “HHRRRR—‘kffnxshhhuhhh…”

Everyone blinked, impressed. That was the quietest thing they’d ever heard come out of Nathan.

“Fuck that guy.” Nathan sniffled, looking wholly unsatisfied. “He takes the fun out of everything.”

They all nodded in agreement.

[March Hare]

Are you still planning on taking bets? Because that would be so much fun, holy *RIFF*.

Also...

I honestly don't know what to say except maybe ARGSJFLKNGRDSTMNGFRZPSTXHRGRH. Ehm... yes.

[GoldenOwl]

One of the best stories I've ever read on here, by far. Fantastic job, and keep going!

[Masking]

Uhhhhhhh...

OH HELLO THERE, SNEEZY CHARLES. Can I cuddle you and tickle your nose?

[SterlingSilver]

I don't even know what this fandom IS, but I LOVES IT~ :DDDDDD

MORE, MORE, MORE~! This has got to be one of the hottest things I've ever read xDDD *drool*

[NameTaken]

Aghhhh yes!! This fic... So many great things about this update! Toki's fit, Charles' allergies and omg Nathan stifle.

They are all so goddamn adorable zdvxfdxc

[kitsune]

OMG, THERE IS SO MUCH AWESOME ABOUT THIS THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. Pickles' fits in the earlier chapters, and Toki's random sneezes out of nowhere, and OMG ALLERGIC CHARLES... *drools*

I'm new here but I read this fic before I registered, so I just had to come back and let you know how much I loved it. I'm not even really familiar with Metalocalypse, but your fics make me want to go watch it.

[Anonymouse]

Hey guys, I'm going to be updating this tomorrow, so if you wanted to bet then go ahead. If not then keep a look out for the last chapter!

[NameTaken]

Omg, Anony, I have no clue like, whatsoever.

But....I guess I'll go for Toki, you have a soft spot for that sweetheart. But is that too obvious? I will find out.

[Garnet]

Welp, my money was on Charles pulling a trump card, but he appears to have wandered off :c

[Masking]

Ahhh, what the hell - I'm gonna say my money is on Pickles winning. Love that tangerine-pigtailed little drunkard. <3

[Anonymouse]

You know what, I was planning on having it be Charles at the beginning because the guys would have just raged if he won, but when I finally brought him around for that chapter he was resistant to stay very long. (Yes, fictional characters actually fight me sometimes when I try to write about them... but he’ll be having his own fic soon enough. ) And Pickles was another choice to win, since he never seems to sneeze less than five times in a row. But I did choose to go with the obvious choice, since he is indeed my favorite pincushion. Congrats, NameTaken. (If you would like a prize or something just ask! )

Keep an eye out for The Contest: The Comic. Now that this is finished I'm going to start working on it!

---

As it turned out, the sneezing thing was starting to get boring, and they had only planned on letting it go for an hour anyway. Pickles had set an alarm but they failed to notice it going off, as they were in the kitchen when it rang. Hours later everyone’s noses were sore and red, and they were running out of room for points on the whiteboard, and besides, prodding their noses repeatedly with various objects seemed to drain them of their sensitivity. Their sneeze reflexes were exhausted.

Toki was still going strong though, despite having already essentially won half an hour before. It wasn’t intentional, however. Even though they had some Klokateers burn every last flower that was brought into the rec room, the poor little dildo just couldn’t stop sneezing.

The guys were tired but they felt like they had an obligation to stay and make sure Toki didn’t drop dead. Plus, it was kind of funny to watch. When they were competing they were all too busy trying to make themselves sneeze to notice how stupid everyone else looked, but now that Toki had won by a landslide they could sit back, relax, and make fun of him.

“Oh, oh, look, there’s another one!”

Toki had been gearing up to sneeze but when Pickles pointed it out he got distracted, letting out a shuddering breath and leering in the drummer’s direction. “Stops!” he whined, rubbing at his nose with his arm.

“Knock it off, Pickles, he’s suffering enough.”

“Okey, okey… I’m jus’ sick of keepin’ score. I’m getting like, carpal tunnel syndrome.”

“Nobody’s making you keep score, he already won.”

“HehhKSHHHHHahh!”

Pickles dutifully marked another tally under Toki’s name, though there was barely enough space left. Nathan grunted and shook his head in disapproval but Pickles merely shrugged. “Dood, I think I gaht OCD or somethin’.”

“You might want to get that checked out.”

“Hehh… hehnn’FSHHH! Eh’HEHHFSSHahh! Hehh’EHFKSHHah!”

Toki groaned, pulling his knees to his chest and smushing his face against them. Skwisgaar, who was sitting beside him, reached out a hand and rested it against Toki’s back with an air of uncertainty. “Ums… theres, theres, Toki, it ams goings to be okays…”

Now that he was no longer in competition with Toki he was open to showing some compassion, except he wasn’t completely sure how to go about doing it. Murderface snickered and muttered something about being gay under his breath, earning himself a glare from the Swede. Rather than stop trying to comfort Toki he grabbed the tissue box, pulling out a few tissues and forcing them into Toki’s hand. “Here, blows or some’tings, it probablies helps.”

Toki crumpled them around his nose and let out a loud, gurgling blow, scrunching his eyes shut and hunching over. With a pathetic sniffle he straightened back up again, tossing the tissues onto the floor and folding his arms across his chest with a frown. As much as they pretended to hate each other, nobody could stand to see him this sad, plus they would feel really uncomfortable if he started crying or something.

“Hey, hey, Toki… you won…” Nathan said, trying to sound cheerful.

“Whoops-de-doos,” he deadpanned, curling back up into a ball again and sniffling.

“You, ah, knows whats de prize ams for winnings?” Skwisgaar asked, prompting Toki to look up.

“There amens’t a pri-hihh!—HIHH’KSHHHUU! KSHHHTTT!—uhh… prize.”

“Ja, there ams.”

“You’s such a liar, Skwisgaar.”

“No, Toki, I swears, there ams a—”

“Liar, liar, pants on fires!”

“Toki, shuts ups! There ams a prize, okay?!”

Toki squeaked and shut his mouth. Taking a deep breath, Skwisgaar slumped on the couch as if the brief argument left him physically drained. “You knows, I don’t even know if I wants to gives you the prize anymore…”

“No!” Toki wailed, looking desperately at the others, who were trying their hardest not to laugh. “He can’ts do dats, right? I wons!”

“Dood, jus’ give him the goddamn prize.”

Toki stared up at Skwisgaar pleadingly, his blue eyes starting to water. Seeing that tears were a very likely possibility Skwisgaar decided to stop torturing the little dildo. “Okay, Toki, since you wons… you can haves one… one… solos. Durings a rehearsal, nots a shows. And if you mess ups then you don’t gets anudder chance.”

Toki gasped. “Reallies?”

“Reallies.”

“Oh, thanks you, Skwisgaar!”

The Swede yelped when the other guitarist wrapped his arms around him in a vice grip. “Eugh, gets offs of me, you ams all snotties and gross!”

Murderface was about to piss himself laughing at this display. “They’re scho gay, right guys?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Nathan grunted. He never really fully listened to what Murderface said anyway.

When Skwisgaar managed to detach himself from Toki he stood up, brushing himself off and shuddering. “Gross fuckings dildos.”

Toki never looked so happy, which was kind of sad, considering that his “prize” wasn’t really that generous. “Maybes if I does a good jobs you lets me does a solos in a show!”

“Ja, we’ll sees.”

“I’m goings to start prahh—hehh… - p-practicing rights dows! Hehh’IHKSHH!” Snfff. “Sees ya later, pals!”

They all knew that Toki never practiced. He scampered off to his bedroom enthusiastically, but he when he got there he was probably going to work on his model planes or play video games or something that wasn’t practicing guitar. “Ahsome, now we can fuckin’ go to bed,” Pickles said, marking the final tally under Toki’s name.

“Wait, we never finished our game of hangman!” Murderface protested.

“Seriously guys? It was BOOZE. Yer a bunch of idiots.”

---

[Masking]

TOKIIIIIIIII. Dat's one such sneezy guy. LOVE HIM.

Great story! I predict I'll be re-reading it...a lot.

[NameTaken]

Fecckkk, I keep missin Anony updates! :U BUT YES, I won!! However, I don't feel like I'm in a position to ask for anything when I haven't finished that Skwisgaar comic yet. My bad.

But poor allergic Toki! He's so precious, aghh. And I will definitely be re-reading this as well.