An unearthly allergy; [f] Susan Foreman; Dr Who. Part III added

[count tiszula]

A response to a request by Pseudosneeze.

AN UNEARTHLY ALLERGY

"Oh dear, I thought this might happen," said Susan Foreman, her usual serious expression crinkling up as she twitched her small. pale nose into a quivering, glistening sculpture of desire. "I think I'm going to sne...Heh...to snee...HAH-CHOOOOH!"

"Bless you, my girl, " said Dr Who absently, without looking up from the paper scroll he was reading through his half-moon spectacles. The Doctor, [who was for some reason sometimes known as "The Doctor"] was travelling through time and space with his grand-daughter Susan, their often exhausting journeys regulated only by the whim of their uncontrollable "ship", the TARDIS, which seemed to have more control over them than Dr Who had over it. At present, with their companions Ian and Barbara, whom they had picked up on the morrow of Kennedy's assassination, they were crossing the desert into China in 1289 on the caravan carrying Marco Polo; and unfortunately, the TARDIS, damaged on landing, had now been trussed up on a cart and transported ahead of them as a present for Kublai Khan at his stately pleasure dome in Xanadu. "But you mustn't fuss so."

"Is something tickling your nose, Susan?" asked Barbara kindly. They were having dinner in the big tent erected every evening by the men of the caravanserai, together with Marco Polo and his other guests, Chinese and European.

"I thigk it's the spices in this Indian dish that are gettig up by HEH.....HAH-CHOOOH! It reminds me of the curry we had when you took me to Veeraswamy's, grandfather."

"Hmm, what?" said Dr Who irascibly, shaking his long white hair. Though Susan had changed into the gorgeous silk raiment of a Chinese boy, he still stuck to the drab Victorian frock coat he was so used to. "You mustn't fuss about a sneeze or two; this account of pre-Mongol China here happens to mention that a dainty sneeze was highly admired by the last dynasty, and I venture to hope that Kublai Khan has adopted the more civilised conduct of his predecessors."

"It is rather strong," Barbara interceded. " I don't think I've ever had curry before."

Ian finished a huge mouthful and laughed. "We had plenty of it when I was doing National Service in Malaya. I remember the curry-wallah once gave us...."

"The India Club in the Aldwych is the place to go, my boy," broke in Dr Who. " It's far more authentic than Veeraswamy's, though I agree that, when I advised Alfred the Great to build there to defend London against the Vikings, I never thought it would become such a Mecca for retired colonels in the Indian Army. Still, Living in the East End of London as we have, curry is a bit thin on the ground; I can't imagine anyone setting up a curry house in Brick Lane; hmm? Hmmm?"

"ATISHOO," interposed Susan with all the boredom of a teenager. Her neatly coiffed shell of dark curls shook with the force of her sneeze. Her face distorted into a familiar rictus of pre-sneeze ecstasy, and she began to gasp heavily. " I...I just cad't hold theb back, I Heh....HAH-CHOOOH!"

"Signor Polo." The head of the Chinese officials , with a little red button on top of his gorgeous silk headdress, now spoke up. The TARDIS's translation device was now so far away that his words emerged with a heavy non-specific foreign accent [just as well really as he was played by the Jewish Norwegian Tutte Lemkow]. " Perhaps I may confirm that the dainty sneeze of a young girl is as important to us as the daintiness of their tiny feet; and that Miss Susan here has without doubt the girliest sneeze I have ever observed in a Frank. It would not disgrace the court of the Great Khan."

" Daintiness? Their tiny what?" remarked Polo from behind his goblet of rice wine.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Vetinari

[NoV]

her usual serious expression crinkling up as she twitched her small. pale nose into a quivering, glistening sculpture of desire.

Pure Genius

[Chanel_no5]

her usual serious expression crinkling up as she twitched her small. pale nose into a quivering, glistening sculpture of desire.

Pure Genius

I very much agree.

[TheCakeIsAlive]

Very nicely written, Count. Hmm.. curry sneeze-inducing? Such an interesting idea...

[Vetinari]

Yes, sneezing from curry .... very nice indeed. Shall there be moor?

[count tiszula]

I'm afraid this has taken off in unexpected directions in my brain; the Chinese snuff comes from the Flashman books.

II

Susan soon returned to the richly caparisoned sleeping-tent she was sharing with Ying Tong, the Chinese girl who was being taken to Xanadu to be married with an elderly Mongol chieftain. There must have been some of the spice lingering in her pinkish nostrils, because she found herself once again longing for a really big, relieving sneeze, though she felt a bit embarrassed about indulging herself in front of the demure maiden.

"Hallo, Yig Tog", she began, but her voice was already thick with sneeziness and her tone as upturned as her little nose. " Sorry to dis....Huh....DIS.....TISHOOOOOO!" Her head shot forward, as did the contents of her straining nares.

"The Jade Majesty bless you! " said Ying Tong. " I can see you've been practising your sneezes for your presentation at court. Shall we have a little rehearsal now?" She held out a small bottle of the rarest black jade, exquisitely chased with tiny carvings of dragons and mandarins. Susan received it with some uncertainty, unstoppering it but then at a bit of a loss. "Let me show you," added Ying Tong, and placed the bottle's meatus to her wide oriental nostrils, giving a swift yet powerful sniff.

At once the wings of her nose expanded to double their size, forming deep, dark circles that quivered gently with desire. "It is the same snuff that the Dowager Empress uses; perhaps the sdeeziest substance id all the Middle King......Huuuhh! Huuuhh"" With each gasp, her dark lashes fell and her head rose, until it came to a dead stop and she stayed as if frozen into a jade image herself. "Hih-CHEEEF! Hih-CHEEEF! Huh-hih-CHEEEEEEFF!! Dow your turn." She passed the bottle back.

Uncertainly, Susan tried to flare her nostrils and accommodate the bottle's neck, inhaling tentatively. At once her whole head seemed to be pervaded by an intoxicating mix of luxurious scents, with at the back of it the insidious tickle of a thousand finely ground particles, moving as if by some divine Brownian motion through her nose slime fleeces.

"HAH!" She noticed something odd about Ying Tong's night attire. " HAAH! Why are you wearing aaahh bootful of Chidese porridge AAAATCHOOOOH! od your head? AAATISHOOO, ATISHOOOOOOH!"

" I always wear a bootful of Hih-TCHEEEF! Chidese HIH-TCHEEEF porridge od Tuesday dights.""

" But....buh TISHOOOOH! It's ThursdISHOOOOOH!"

" Oooh...CHEEF! I feel such a fool. Hih TCHEEEEF!"

A rending sound came from the back of the pavilion and two sword blades flashed through the silken hangings, followed by two enormous Mongol cavalrymen. Muscular arms lifted the sneezy girls off the ground and carried them back through the torn curtains within seconds. More silken ropes trapped their arms, and they were bundled on to mettlesome Mongol ponies, held, it seemed by the same Chinese official with the little red button on top who had been at dinner.

" Hahaha" he announced," You are in my power; Once I get you to Xanadu, any nobleman worth his pepper will pay handsomely to have such fine sneezers in his gynaecaeum."

" You'll never get a...aCHOOOH! with this, I Po" cried Susan, but the horsemen leapt up behind the girls, spurred the horses and they galloped off into the night.

"Susan, where are you?" cried Dr Who [remember him?] hobbling up arthritically and peering dimly into the dark distance. "Signor Polo, the girls have been kidnapped. You must send a letter by courier to the Great Khan."

" Letter? " Polo took another swig of his brandy. " And how would that help him?"

[Guest]

Looking good

[NoV]

Genius! Sneezing AND hilarity! Have you ever considered doing a Flashman sneezefic?

[TheCakeIsAlive]

To use your own words: I lolled while reading this. Very amusing. Though perhaps my favourite line might be

"Susan, where are you?" cried Dr Who [remember him?] hobbling up arthritically and peering dimly into the dark distance. "Signor Polo, the girls have been kidnapped. You must send a letter by courier to the Great Khan."

*shrugs* I'm odd.

[Vetinari]

His Countiness has asked me to post this in honour of the 50th aniversary of Dr Who, so happy anniversary to everyone. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Is it really two years since I did the second part of An Unearthly Allergy? How remiss, what .In the light of the unexpected appearance of Carole Ann Ford at the Dr Who Golden Jubilee Prom, and of course the Golden Jubilee itself, I shall try to continue with the story, posting this part separately if I cannot get it to join the others.

Yes, I really should try a Flashman fanfic some time.

AN UNEARTHLY ALLERGY: Part III

The little caravan topped the rise and the huge quadrilateral city of Xanadu spread before Susan.

"'And twice five miles of fertile ground

With walls and towers were girded round.'!" she exclaimed automatically.

"HITCHEW! Is that a poeb?" said Ying Tong. She seemed to have developed a sneezy cold after their journey through the mountains; their initial stages trussed up on bumpy ponies had been cold and debilitating, but for later parts they had been transferred to carts and now to a camel.

"It's just something a friend of mine wrote," said Susan. "Grandfather and I were staying at Porlock at the time working for the British government, and I inadvertently burst in on Sam, or Cumberbatch as he called himself, and interrupted him in mid-poem. Do you know which is your fiancé's palace?"

The huge pleasure=dome in the bottom left quadrant was surely Kubla Khan's little place, but most of the other sectors were almost rural, with occasional white pagodas breaking the green canopy.

"I thidk it bay be the one with the square tower and thah hahTCHEEF! uddiod dobe. I'd better give you by sduff-bottle. He's dot goig to reject be with this code, add adyway he cad't udbetrothe be as a wife. But you'll be id cobpetition with all the other possible codgubides, so you'll deed...."

" The what..? Ying Tong, I don't want to be your husband's concubine any more than you want to be his wife. True, it would be rather nice to have a really good sneezing fit with you and some other nice girls, but....

They were now passing through a small postern gate in the city wall, and Susan was distracted to see the Tardis standing against a high wall, under guard by two soldiers in Chinese rather than Mongol clothes. Well at last, a positive sign.

But in a moment they were driven through another secret gate into a private courtyard, where Ying Tong was hustled into a huge white mansion; next to which nestled a compound Susan was less ceremoniously introduced to. Yet it was entrancing. A courtyard of marble dotted with flowering trees and beds of tropical flowers was surrounded by a number of elegant pavilions, outside each of which a red lantern stood, ready to be lit and raised if the master should visit. And in the middle a beautiful bathing pool, in which a number of ladies was already nakedly sporting, while a group of others giggled on the brink , and timid souls sat on lonely sofas around. A beaming eunuch offered Susan a tray of drinks and amuse-gueules, and led her to a seat. As she pondered her new surroundings;

"HARRRRAAAASCHOOOOOOOOOOH!" came a sneeze that was enormous enough to silence the entire compound. Susan at once identified the sneezer as a huge blonde girl sitting alone just by her. For some reason she decided to go and sit next to her.

At close range she was even stranger; those endless straight white legs must have made her well over six foot, and her straight blonde hair which poured over her whole upper body obscured a massive muscular torso. No wonder her sneeze had been so violent. And the flaring of her great mobile nostrils made it only too apparent that she was still in a state of inevitability. her unusually upturned and prominent nose twitched with ecstasy, as tears coursed down her cheeks to her gasping mouth and "Aaaaaah! Huuuhh! Aaaaaaaah AAAAAAAAAAH HAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRAAAAASHCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" Her head was flung forward, and Susan felt a rushing, mighty wind brush past her and on to the pool, where it raised a series of choppy waves.

"His jade Majesty bless you!" said Susan. The girl beamed , sniffed hugely and wiped her streaming eyes and nostrils with one huge hand.

"Thanks!" She grabbed a large cup of rice wine from the eunuch's tray and drained it in one. "That was really nice, but I'm hoping to get something even more powerful to impress Lord Kheshig the Falconer, Companion of Mongke Khan of Khans. My name's Ftang the Almasty. One of the lord;s sneeze scouts spotted me in Inner Mongolia; well, heard me really. I was hiding in the forest, as my people do, and you know how any attempt at hiding makes you sneeze even more loudly..." As she spoke, her long, pointy nose wiggled and her nostrils flared to undreamt of dimensions and back.

"It's a pleasure" said Susan. Ftang bent towards her, but instead of a kiss, she rubbed her huge proboscis against Susan's slightly snub little nose, almost enveloping it in wobbling flesh, and smothering it in a generous coat of delicious mucus and saliva.

Back in the hills, Dr Who and his companions, and Marco Polo, galloped along on some fine destriers which they'd somehow or other invested in. "Aagh, my sciatica! We'll have to rest." said Dr Who. "Did you send off those pigeons with the letters?"

"Cherries," said Polo. "The Khan prefers cherries to those letter things..."

[Pseudosneeze]

Love this.