The Office - (2 Parts)

[zakandsara]

Okay. So, #1, the camera-talking mocumentary = *

#2 Sorry I keep writing these. Haha.

------------------------------

(Michael is sitting at his desk.)

*Michael: Today is a Monday. TGIM, if you know what I'm saying. And we're working on a little thing I like to call motivational skills, you may have heard of them. What I'm trying to do is get everybody to up their sales for the day and, at the end of the day, the person who sells the most get this coupon to Pizza Hut in the Steamtown Mall. Kevin will probably try the hardest, based on the prize. Although, I've noticed Pam's getting a little bigger lately. I mean...how do I put this delicately her "front side" has gotten larger. H-her breasts. .....boobs.

(Cut to Jim and Pam walking in together. They're both giddy. Jim is on the phone.)

Jim: I know! We're really excited too. Alright, we'll talk to you soon, ma. Love you.

Pam: What'd she say!?

(Cut to Jim and Pam in Jim's office. They're both still smiling.)

*Pam We went to the doctor yesterday and he told us that it was pretty normal for the baby to not be very active at this stage in the pregnancy.

*Jim: So this morning on the car ride over here, Pam sneezes and-

*Pam: The baby kicked! It was...amazing. The coolest thing I've ever felt.

*Jim: Unfortunately, being the designated driver, I didn't get to feel it.

*Pam: It'll happen again.

(Back to the office. Pam is at her desk, Jim is in his office.)

Pam: (On the phone.) It's just that I can offer you much more personalized service at about 25% of the cost so- okay. Alright, I'll look forward to your call. Thank you, sir.

Dwight: He won't call back.

Pam: (Looks at the camera, confusedly.) Why not?

Dwight: Because he didn't commit to anything. You need to force him into it,

Pam, that's what being a good saleman is all about- force and control.

Pam: Well, I'm sorry Dwight, but I actually try to respect potential customers. As in, not scare them away with threats and mentions of martial arts weapons.

Dwight: Say what you will, Pam, he will not call you back and I'll be fine dining at the Steamtown Mall tonight with the coupon I will have won while you're waiting for his call.

Pam: Okay. Dwight. Haht-nnngh'tshhh. Excuse me. (After a minute.) ...Oh my god!

Dwight: What is it? Have you burst a blood vessel? Did you injure something? Dammit, Pam, I told you not to hold them in like that! Is it something in your brain?

*Dwight: Injuries account for 12% of every 50% of sneezes.

Pam: No, no, the baby kicked! Get Jim!

Dwight: JIM! COME QUICK.

Pam: I could've done that.

(Jim comes out of his office looking startled and a little worried.)

Jim: Yeah??

Dwight: It's your fetus.

Pam: He kicked again!

Jim: Oh my god, that's great!! But I also missed it again.

Pam: I'm sorry, I can't really help it. (After a second.) Wait.

Jim: Wait what?

Pam: I sneezed both times the baby kicked today. Maybe-maybe that's it?

Jim: I mean, maybe. Probably. Just let me know when you're gonna sneeze, I guess.

Pam: I'll have you paged. (She giggles at him, he kissed her stomach. He goes back to his office.)

*Jim: Yeah. It kinda sucks not working out there now that she's right across from my old desk. Especially with the baby thing. But hey, no more Dwight so...even Steven. (He smirks at the camera.)

---------------------------------------

(Pam is looking up at the lights in the ceiling. She has her hands on her stomach. Dwight is shown watching her, searching the ceiling.)

Dwight: What are you looking for?

Pam: Nothing.

(This continues for a couple more seconds. Dwight is becoming antsy with curiosity.)

Dwight: What are you doing?

Pam: Nothing, Dwight.

Dwight: (Slightly angry.) Well while you're doing that, I'm winning the motivation prize.

Pam: Okay.

(This goes on for a few more seconds. Dwight is squirming as if he needs to know what's happening.)

Dwight: God, Pam! What's going on?!

Pam: I'm trying to make myself sneeze by staring at the light.

Dwight: It's not working.

Pam: Clearly.

(Every once in a while, the camera pans to Jim who is repeatedly looking up from his work to Pam. Michael then enters.)

Michael: Heyo, team! How goes the motivation-o. That's Spanish, I believe. Oscar?

Oscar: (He shakes his head at the camera.) Yeah. Yes, Michael, that's Spanish.

Michael: Thought so. Anywho, whooo has been working their little -or big, motivation doesn't judge- butts off for this coupon?

Dwight: I have, Michael.

Michael: You- well...alright, anyone else?

(Everyone remains silent. Jim opens the door to his office with his coat on his arm. He looks kind of upset. Pam looks at him guiltily.)

Michael: Ayy, there he is! The big man!

Jim: Hey, Michael. Listen, I gotta go pick something up. I'll be right ba-

Michael: Back in a jiffy.

Jim: Wow. Back in...yep. (He looks at the camera, a little shocked. He catched Pam's eye and blows her a kiss, walking out the door.)

Michael: So! I'd like to see much more enthusiasm. Maybe get a little rowdy. Maybe one of you puts on a cheerleader costume, Erin. I don't know, get creative. I'll check back soon.

Pam: Hnnnggx'tshoo. (She turns to the door and gets a disappointed look on her face. She then suddenly looks down to her stomach.)

Michael: Oh, god bless you, Pammy.

Pam: (Distracted) )Thanks. (She looks at Dwight, whispering.) Don't tell Jim.

-------------------------------------------

*Pam: I know it's not really my fault, but I feel really bad about the whole baby kicking thing. I don't want Jim to feel left out but-oh my god. This is the baby's act of rebellion against him. ...Sly.

(Jim gets up from his desk and opens the door.)

Jim: Pam. Can you come in here for a second?

Pam: (Doesn't know what's going on.) Um, sure.

(They go into his office, the door is shut. Jim sits down and smile while Pam is sniffing the air.)

Pam: Oh my god, what did you spray in here?

Jim: Remember that day we went to my parents and you were in my old bedroom? There was that cologne that I had from college that was ma-

Pam: (Smiling) Making me sneeze, right.

(Jim gets down on one knee and presents her with the bottle of cologne. She laughs at him, he gets up and they hug.)

Jim: So...

Pam: So?

Jim: Feel anything?

Pam: Oh! Not really. I'm sorry. Not yet, at least.

Jim: That's okay, we'll wait it out. My parents asked about you.

Pam: Did they?

Jim: Yeah, they said they miss you and can't wait to-

Pam: (She puts a finger in the air, telling him to wait.) F...feel-(She grabs his hand and brings it to her stomach.) Hnnggxx'tshhhhh. Hnng'TSHHHOO!

Jim: Oh my god! Oh my god, that's...that's our baby!

Pam: (Grinning) I kn- Haa'nnnggttsshhhh. Hahnnngg'tshhhhOOO. Wow. 'Scuse me. (She smiles and he pulls her in; they kiss.)

----------------------------------------

Not done, probably.

Edited October 10, 2009 by zakandsara

[sneezerwoman]

That was cute. I hope there is more soon.

[zakandsara]

*Dwight: Jim's baby has started kicking. I remember when I started to kick and discovered how to use force to manipulate. I believe the fetus is as sick of Pam's incessant sneezing as I am and is only trying to make her shut up. I hope he wins this one.

(On the phone in his office.)

Jim: I'm sorry sir, I just don't think it's right to file a formal complaint about my employee for the sole reason that you didn't like his voice. I do understand but- Mr. Schrute? Oh, well I hate his voice too, sir. Tell you what, I'll devote the rest of my day to shutting him up. You're very welcome. You too. Bye.

(There is a knock on the door.)

Angela: May I please come in?

Jim: Umm...okay. Can I help you with something?

Angela: I hope so. As you know, Pam has been sneezing for the past several hours and some of us find it very distracting.

Jim: Okay?

Angela: Well, as you're in charge of day-to-day office relations, I'd assumed you could do something about this problem.

Jim: Angela, you can't really get mad at someone for sneezing, you know? I mean, there's not a whole lot I can control in this particular situation.

Angela: It's just very hard to get any work done listening to that.

Jim: Pam's like, the quietest sneezer ever. If there's an actual problem, I can help you, but if this is all, I think you can go back to your desk.

Angela: I knew you wouldn't do anything. She shouldn't be treated differently than the rest of us just because she's your wife. Although, I suppose you'd treat me like this if we slept together...

Jim: Alright, we're definitely done here. (Quietly to the camera as she leaves.) Oh my god.

--------------------------------------------

(In the breakroom.)

Phyllis: So, have you thought of any names?

Pam: Not really, no. I think it'll all depend on how we feel when we finally see him, you know?

Ryan: I'd name him Striker. Or Travolta. Something with power.

(Jim enters and goes to the fridge, looks around.)

Jim: What're you guys talking about?

Kelly: Naming your baby. I like Brangelina's kids' names. They're so original and adorable.

(Jim and Pam look at each other: he looks frightened, she giggles. He then give a little wave, mouths "good luck" and leaves.)

Phyllis: Jim's gonna be a great dad. He really loves you, ya know.

Pam: (With a smile.) Yeah, I know.

Kelly: I'm sooo jealous of you two. I want someone like that.

(Ryan looks at the camera, terrified and leaves silently.)

Phyllis: So, when do you-

Pam: Hah-nnnggtshhh. Huhnnndt'shhhhh-OOO. (Lets out an embarrassed laugh) Sorry. Excuse me.

(Almost in unison.)

Kelly: Bless you!!

Phyllis: Gesundheit.

Pam: Thank you. You guys wanna feel the baby kick?

Kelly: Ohmygod! More than anything. I love babies. I wanna have like, 7.

Pam: (Rolls her eyes at the camera. Kelly and Phyllis put a hand to her stomach.) Give him a second...feel?

Phyllis: Wow! That's amazing.

Kelly: I think I'm gonna cry, Pam.

Phyllis: How did you know he was-

Pam: Every time I sneeze, he kicks. Weird, right? I guess he just likes the way it feels or something.

Kelly: That is so crazy! Every time I sneeze, my phone vibrates. Well, almost every time. Coincidence?

Pam: (Feigning disbelief.) Whoa.

--------------------------------------------

(In Jim's office.)

Pam: And then Kelly started telling every story she knew about babies and baby names and births- I'm pretty sure most of them were from Lifetime movies but...anyway, how's your day going?

Jim: It's pretty okay. I got a complaint about Dwight before I even read my mail this morning, so that was...really special. Oh! And Angela complained about your sneezing being "distracting".

Pam: Are you serious? Is it really that annoying? I mean...I thought I was being pretty quiet-

Jim: That's what I told her! You know what you should do?

Pam: Oh no. What?

Jim: Quit it with the "holding in the sneezes" thing when Angela's around. It's probably better for you and the baby anyway.

Pam: I don't know, I'm so used to doing it, it would be weirder not to.

Jim: Maybe you're right. I'm just saying…she's going to be pissed anyway, we might as well give her a reason to be.

Pam: Yeah...I'll think about it. I should probably get back. Spray me?

Jim: Yup. (He takes out to cologne bottle and gives her a squirt.) Turn. Okay, good luck.

Pam: Thanks. Love you.

Jim: I love you.

(She smiles and walks out of his office.)

-------------------------------------------

*Pam: So I thought about what Jim said and I think I might try to piss Angela off. She has no right to be mad at me for something I technically can't control. Plus, holding them in is starting to hurt. And I am getting really stuffy. ...It might be for the better.

Pam: Hey, Angela, can you come here for a minute?

Angela: I suppose. (As she's walking over, Pam pulls her collar up and sniffs it. She smirks at the camera.) How can I be of assistance?

Pam: Do you think you could show me how I pull up the payroll on my computer? I'm so lost…

(Angela rolls her eyes and sighs, but takes the mouse and leans over the computer.)

Pam: Thanks a lot, Ang- Hahh..Hah'ISSHHH! Hahhh'EEISHHH-ooo! Ughh. Excuse me- Hahtt'EEIISHoooo!

Angela: (Looking disgusted.) God bless you. It's all there for you.

Pam: (Grinning.)Thanks, I really appreciate it.

*Pam: Mission accomplished.

[Nicole]

*Dwight: Jim's baby has started kicking. I remember when I started to kick and discovered how to use force to manipulate. I believe the fetus is as sick of Pam's incessant sneezing as I am and is only trying to make her shut up. I hope he wins this one.

This actually made me laugh out loud. What a great story! It's clever. And I like how you write the characters, you've really got them down!

[InLivingColor]

Excellent fic, love the way you write the characters, you have a real knack for it.

[zaba]

haha nice story thanks!!

[BelieveInRollins]

aksljdvnjasbndvshbdnfv/laevn aa;lskndv/laosjdvasjd your office fanfics are so perfect you know that? MORE! xD