Untitled Batman fic (m)

[Mercury]

Disclaimer: I don't own Batman, Joker, or the common cold.

Author's Note: ...This was only supposed to be drabble-ish in length . In my defence, I needed a break from exam study and I'm more than just little obsessed. Plus, I'm hoping this will inspire a large amount of Joker fics *crosses fingers*

For some reason, it was almost always raining in Gotham. The Joker had a theory that it only rained because The Bat had such a massive storm cloud over his head that it encompassed the entire city.

Joker giggled, feeling just slightly more delirious than usual. His emerald hair stuck to his forehead, but his whole frame was soaked to the bone, so he was unsure whether he had a fever. He had scrounged his purple jacket out of the wreckage of an old hideout, and it was pulled tightly around him and his wet Arkham uniform. A pale hand snuck out from the purple folds and went to his forehead. "I don't think I have a fever" Joker muttered to himself, before giggling again.

He swiped a long, bony finger under his nose before pulling it back into the warmth. He was shivering so hard it felt like he was having convulsions.

When he found out which Arkham kitchen worker had coughed on his food, blood was going to fly.

Dark green eyelashes fluttered shut. "Hattchhoo!" he tried to sniff, to stop the incessant irritation, but he was too congested. Joker's sharp nose gave a quick twitch. "Hehhtchhh, Atchooo, Hihh... ... ..." The Joker waited, and then blinked, confused, as the sensation faded.

Pulling a lavender handkerchief from his jacket pocket, he gave his nose a dainty blow. It was sore from being rubbed by the scratchy asylum uniform, and, as much as he enjoyed his clown-like appearance, he felt a bright red nose was taking it a little too far.

"Huhchhhh, Ehichhh, Etchhhhh." He smothered three wet sneezes into the cloth, followed by and groan and a harsh blow.

He felt pathetic, and, being the theatrical creature he was, he was torn between waiting this out on his own, preserving his image as an unstoppable demon, or calling Harley so that he could whine to his black heart's content, while being smothered by the undying love of a sexy nutcase.

He tried to sniff again, but gave up, resigning himself to let his nose run. Resting his head on his arms, he let his mind drift.

There was always batsy. Joker wondered whether the caped rodent would wrap him in a blanket, and set him down in front of a warm fireplace before beating the living crap out of him.

He was in the middle of trying to decide who would make a better chicken soup, when a loud sound on the roof caught his attention. But before he could comprehend what it meant, he found that letting his nose run had made the tickle move deeper into his sinuses.

"Hihchhhtt, Ehhittchhtt," the congestion was stifling his sneezes, and it was so frustrating. He wanted to kill something to make himself feel better. "Ittchhhtt, Hih'Kttchht. Hiihhh... Ehhh..," he hitched, but no sneeze came.

He cracked his eyes open, they were watering and he could see the blurry outline of a large figure. He tried to speak, but the sneeze wouldn't release its grip. He continued to hitch, his unnaturally wide mouth hanging open and turned down, like a parody of a sad clown.

The figure had taken a step closer, whoever it was he had come down from the roof. Santa? No. "Bat...Bahh. AHHRRRUSSSHHHOO!"

The Joker was thrown forward. The thick sneeze sprayed Batman's boots. When he realized what he'd done, he recoiled, expecting it the boot to kick him in the face. Normally he'd be itching for a fight this soon after being incarcerated, but without any energy, he was in no position to take even the Riddler on in a game of fisticuff, let alone any batmen.

Blinking his green eyes, Joker realized that Batman wasn't going to kick him in the face. It was unusual, but he wasn't about to complain.

Looking up at the expressionless cowl, Joker frowned disapprovingly. "No 'bless you'?"

Batman seemed to sigh. "Bless you." He growled through gritted teeth.

The Joker gave him his patented smile, ignoring the pain it caused his chapped lips. "Thank you, Batsy." He gave a giggle, which would have turned into his usual maniacal laugher if he wasn't suddenly overcome by a harsh coughing fit.

When he finished, The Joker moved his hand from his mouth to pinch at the bridge of his nose to try and stop the budding headache. His hand bumped into another's, and Joker realized that Batman had removed a gauntlet and was checking his temperature, with his other hand resting on the clown's shoulder.

"Aww," Joker looked the now crouching bat in the eye, "I always knew you cared." His smile fell, and he quickly turned his head away from the dark knight "HihIttchhoo"

Batman reached into Joker's pocket with his still gloved hand and removed the crumpled handkerchief. He handed it to Joker and scooped the tall, skinny psychopath into his arms as the clown was blowing his nose.

He rested his head on Batman's shoulder as the black cape was wrapped around him. It was thermal, and so very warm. The Joker sighed happily.

"Batsy?"

"What?"

"Do you know how to make chicken soup?"

[swann_ee_song]

Is it bad that I find this fic slightly hilarious?

It's so silly and cute! The ending kills me....

[littlesneezer18]

Swann_ee_song, no, it is not odd. It is pretty hilarious. "Silly" is a good word to describe it!

But good job Mercury! I love a fun twist every once in a while , and you just gave me my twist for the day.

[something-instinctual]

This is hysterical! A very well written, great job.

I also definitely love how you stayed true to the Joker's grotesque character, whether meaning too or not, with the "who would make a better chicken soup" line...I laughed SO HARD.

Well done

[doggo]

AAAH! This is CRAZY. I love it! It's crazy, but still hot, and I love it.

[Melody Berry]

Very well written! The Joker seems to come easy to you which is hard for many! Haha I'm in love with sick!Joker

[Ivalineb]

I love this so much I'm in need of more of these now 

[HPG]

Dear goodness, this is so perfect.

[Irelephant]

The ending!!! I'm dying of laughter! I like how batman didn't fight joker, great Fanfiction lol!