"Sickbed in Cuchulainn - (7 Parts)

[Pilgrim]

Verse 1:

Harry slammed his glass down on the counter, “Bartender, another!”

“Slow down, laddy. You’ll drink yerself into anuther country at that rate”

“Bah! I’ve been traveling the whole damn world for months. Chances are I’ll end up in a country I’ve already been in.”

An inconceivably hairy man sitting next to Harry laughed, “Sure, sure, you’ve been all around the woirlt. Betcha met plenty of fine lassys too, ah hahahahaha!”

“Sure he did. Prolly did more than meeting too” Said a fat man sitting on Harry’s other side. The two toasted each other over his head, sloshing brew down on him. This made Harry shoot up out of his seat, knocking his glass to the floor in the process.

“I’ll wager ten knuts that my story is better than anything you two have ever heard in this run-down tavern!”

“Deal!” The two men said in unison, like they had expected it. Harry sat back down.

“It started back when were in Germany, hot on the trail of a former Death Eater…”

***

Harry, Ron, and Hermione peered outside the window as their train left the city of Colonge. Their train would be non-stop to a hidden wizard village where they hoped to meet their informant. At the time they had decided to meet him, the espionage involved in the situation had given then more confidence then they had now. Hermione was the first to say what they were all thinking.

“What if it’s a hoax?”

Ron and Harry looked at their feet. Both had been contemplating this for some time. Neither really wanted to acknowledge it by giving it voice.

“Then we’re given a royal screw job” said Harry. Hermione was not content with this answer.

“We can’t afford to waist time just for a screw job”

“It’s not like we have any other leads. This guy is our best and only hope, so we might as well see it through.”

“And if it’s a trap?”

“We went through that!” Ron sprang to life, “If he wanted to kill us, he would’ve done it already. He knew how to find us, after all.”

“Pardon me…”

An 18 year-old boy with bleached hair had silently appeared next to Harry. He had an anxious look on his face, and his brown eyes shown with energy, despite his very calm composure.

“Could you three possibly be looking for someone by the name of Malak?”

“Who wants to know?” Hermione asked stone-faced.

“That very same Malak. At your service.” The boy bowed.

“Now, I realize that our business is important and urgent, so I’ll be brief. The former death eater that you are searching for does not exist. Nor does the town you think this train is going to. You are all on a one-way trip to Madrid. It is possible that you will meet this R.A.B fellow there, but I sincerly doubt it. Good day.”

Hermione had her wand out first. She shot a spell at Malak that bounced back as three copies of the same spell which hit Ron, Harry, and Hermione, knocking all of them out. Malak grinned.

“Well now, that was rather rude. They could’ve interrogated me first. Teenagers today, all shoot first, ask questions later. No self control. Hmmmmm, I think I can use that.”

***

“HEH-SCHHHUSH! Ha-Shchhh Ha-Shchhh!”

Hermione sneezed herself awake. She sat up and surveyed her surroundings. She saw that she was in a train station and that it was night. Since there were no people around, she assumed it was closing time. She looked around for Harry and Ron, but saw no one. She was alone. And cold.

“Heschhchh! Heschhchh! HihSCHHH! Damn that son of a…”

“Hey, is someone there?”

A guard appeared from around a corner.

“I’m sorry, miss, but you’ll have to leave. The last train left over forty-five minutes ago.”

“*Sniff* Whad dime is id?”

“Eight fifty-two. The exit is that way. Take care now.”

Hermione turned and glared. Take care? She was lost in some part of the continent she didn’t now, presumably Madrid, she was alone, she had no way of finding Ron and Harry, or anyone else, and as her nose was quick to remind her, she had a cold.

“Heh-ISCHHSCHH! HAH-ISCHHSCHH! HAAH-ICHEEW! Icheew Icheew ISCHEEW! Ef I’b dot carebull I wode ave addythig lef oo dake care ub. Hehhhhhh...Hah-ISCHH ISCHH ISCHHHSCHH! ICHEEW! Ha-Schhish Hah-SSCHIHSH Hahhhhh-aaaahhhhhh-SSCHH! Ughh, I deed a dissue.”

Hermione left the station and walked out into the street. It wasn’t really a cold night, but the slightest breeze made her shiver. She knew she was developing a fever, so she ducked into a nearby building that was radiating a lot of light and warmth. Had it been day, she probably would have noticed the various other signs that indicated the building was a brothel.

>_>

(No, screw you, I’m not writing 30kb of porn for you. Yes, I see you. Put that down)

Even upon entering the building, Hermione still didn’t realize where she was; she was too happy that she finally saw a familiar face.

“Ryan!”

A large, grey-haired man with a round face turned around with the expression of a young boy who’d just been caught drinking with his friends before going to an illegal party. He walked toward Hermione with a slightly drunken swagger.

“Oh, er, ‘ello. What’re you doing ‘ere?”

***

“Who’s Ryan?”

Harry looked behind him and almost smacked his face into the breasts of an angelic barmaid that was standing behind him.

“Ryan was a wizard who gave us faulty information. When we were looking for RB he was our first contact. Apparently, he thought we were looking for some kind of drug. I really don’t wanna talk about that right now.”

"Okayn and how did Malak reflect her spell?"

"I wish I knew, that was a nice defense."

“Right, then, get back to the story.” The hairy man grunted.

“Wait, one more thing. How do you know all this? You said you weren’t with her.”

“Occlumency. Now, where was I…”

***

“Oh, ya poor lass, yer burnin up. Here, take a swig ‘o this.”

Ryan pulled a flask from inside his cloak. Hermione eagerly took it. It didn’t taste like the potions Madame Pomfrey had used back in the Hogwarts days, but she didn’t care. She hated being sick, and was willing to take anything that might help. However…

“*Cough* HUHHH-ISHHCHHH! Ugh, what is this, booze?”

“Ahahahaha! Cleared up your nose pretty quick though, eh?”

“*Sniff* Hand me a handkerchief”

As Hermione explained her situation to Ryan, occasionally stopping to blow her nose forcefully into the handkerchief he’d handed her, the pair headed for a bar several blocks away. Ryan explained that this would be the best place to get information, and plus, it was happy hour. Upon entering, Ryan was greeted by many of the swaying drunks, and after taking a seat, he whispered to Hermione, “Listen, I know you won’t like this, but they’ll be much more inclined to talk if they see you drinking with them. It’ll put them at ease.”

“ 0_o Okayyyyeeeeeeee, no. I’m not doing tha-ahhhhh-aaaaaaahhhhhh-ESCHHH!”

I guarantee two glasses will stop those sneezes in an instant”

“No, really, I don’t… ISCHEEW! HE-USCHHEEW! HEH-SCHHHUHSH! Heehh-SCHUSHEEW! Hiiihhh-heh-SCHUSCHHhhuhh-heh-SCHHHUHH-HUHSSCH! Hiiihhh-ISCHHH ISCHHSHH! *Sniifffff* Gibbe dat”

Hermione grabbed the glass and begin drinking. The drunks at the bar laughed at began to return to their banter, as Ryan began to ease the young sorcerer named Malak into the conversation, as well as any sightings of Harry Potter. Meanwhile, Hermione became quite drunk. Now, as it turns out, Hermione is a very mean drunk. This would not have been a problem had she passed out before a dark stranger walked in the door.

“Outta my way, Mudblood, that’s my seat.”

“Wha’d you call me? *Hic*”

“Mudblood. I know you’re one, I can smell’em for miles.”

“*Hic* You wanna shtep outshide?”

“Why? You wanna say something to me?”

“Yeah, duck!”

Hermione swung with all that she could muster, hitting the bearded stranger right in the jaw. He stumbled back and grinned. “Everyone saw it, you struck first. Now I can say my lines: Nothing changes cause it's all the same

The one you get's the one you give away It all just happens again Way down the line!”

A trail of almost invisible black color flowed from the wand and spiraled around Hermione, then through her. The stranger flung his cloak to the ground and tore off a fake beard to reveal none other than Malak!

“This is the part where you fall down.”

[Pseudosneeze]

Very good! Hopefully, you'll fill in the blanks later (How'd Hermione get there? Who are these original characters? Did Harry and Ron notice she's gone?)

No trunk this time, I see. Keep up the good work.

[Pseudosneeze]

Don't let the lack of replies discourage you, Otaku. Keep up the good work.

[Pilgrim]

^Is that a nice way of saying "Hurry Up"? j/k j/k I learned long ago not to let replies get me down. That's why I keep making a point of saying "As long as just one person is reading, ect." Besides, it's gotten quite a few views. Unless that's just you trying to boost my self-esteem

[Guest snifflydragon]

ooh! this is good! I'll be waiting for more! And I'll say it too "keep up the good work" or just "hurry up and write it, darn it!"

[Pilgrim]

Verse 2:

Hermione woke up to the staring eyes of Harry and Ron. She bolted upright, and felt a major head-rush that forced her back down.

“Oooohh, where ab I?”

“ A hospital bed in Cuchlainn. Here, blow your nose”

Harry handed her a handkerchief, which she gratefully accepted.

“Here’s the situation. Ryan attempted to fight off Malak after he attacked you. A major wizard’s duel started, and you got hit with a bad curse in the confusion. Ryan apparated you here for emergency treatment, and Malak got away.

“Why here?”

“Because this hospital is the second best in all the wizarding world, and Ryan has friends here that he knew he could trust”

Two ghosts drifted into Hermione’s view.

“McCormack and Richard Tauber, at your service.” They said in unison.

“Hermione glanced at them. Both were tall, thin, and apparently red haired. They looked a lot like Fred and George, only older and without freckles.

“Dice do beet oo *Sniff* Hey, why ab I still sick?”

“Well…” Said Ron as he scratched his head, “The doctors said that Malak put a curse on you that made your cold permanent. They’ve never seen a spell like it before, but they’re already working on a cure”

Hermione sniffed and frowned. Why would Malak use a spell just to make her cold permanent? And how did he cast a spell without using any magic words; instead just using English. Why was he after her, Harry, and Ron? Could he be working for Voldemort? If so, why didn’t he kill them?

“Oh, and there was something else he did to you. It seems as though he also made a curse so that every time you sneeze…”

“Ha-Eschh!”

Several rainbow-colored bubbles flew from Hermione’s nose, much to her surprise.

“…you’ll release a little magical energy. Essentially, you’ll cast a spell at random with each sneeze”

Ron looked at a clock on the wall.

“Hey, c’mon, we’d better get a move on.” He turned to Hermione.

“Ryan said he’d meet us at a near-by tavern where he thinks he can find out a little about Malak.”

“I’m coming too”

Hermione rose out of her bed and began putting on her socks and shoes.

“A little cold isn’t going to stop me from getting revenge on that sadistic prick. We’re going together”

Harry and Ron knew better than to argue. Later they’d wish they had.

***

The tavern looked like the kind you see at the beginning of most RPGs. It had a very medieval feel to it, like it hadn’t changed for centuries. It was exactly the kind of place wizards would hang out.

Ron, Harry, and Hermione walked through the door and immediately spotted Ryan. He was in the middle of an all-out brawl between him and five other men; the entire population of the tavern. All three drew their wands, but as she did so Hermione felt a tickle rush through her nose. She dropped her wand and covered her nose to stifle the sneezes. The last thing she wanted was to start randomly blasting spells at Harry and Ron.

“Hah-Shchhh! Heh-Shmmph Heh-Shmmph!”

Hermione had hoped that by stifling the sneezes she would prevent a fit, but instead she just felt the tickle growing stronger. As Harry and Ron began casting spells to help Ryan, Hermione felt her sneezes growing more and more powerful.

“Haaahhhhh-Shmmph! Hehhhh-Shmmph! Ahhh-haaahhh-Shmmpphh! Ahhh-AHHH-SHMMPH!”

Finally she lost control, and allowed herself to sneeze at full force. Her following sneezes blew with such wind that the windows in the tavern shattered into pieces, while the inhabitants of the inn were thrown against the walls.

“HAH-SCCHHUhh!!!! HAAHHH-USSCHHH! Hahh-SCHHUHH! HUHHH-SCHHHSHH! Hehh-HAHH-SCUSSHHHH! HAAHH.....AHHHHHH......AH-SCHUSSH!”

Two bartenders came from a back room as the gale-like sneezes died down. Each had a wand in his hand, and they both directed a spell at Hermione. She bent down for her wand, avoiding one of the spells, but got hit by the other and was shot out the open door behind her. The bartenders rushed forward and bolted it behind her, then turned towards Ron and Harry.

“Sorry, boys, but there’s a big reward out for anyone who comes by asking for Malak, and we intend to collect it”

*BANG*

An explosion behind them blew the door to the inn into them. Hermione walked back into the building, sniffing madly. Her eyes were fluttering and she was taking short, rapid breaths. She was obviously fighting back another sneeze. And since she didn’t seem to be doing it very well, Harry and Ron quickly ran out of the way. Because her last fit had cleared her nose, and because her breath was more hitched, these sneezes were higher pitched.

“HeheheheeeehiiiiiiiISCHHHH! HI-ISCHHH!! HEH-ISCHHSHH-HEH-ISCHHSHH! ISSCHHH-Oh-Hiiiii-ISSCHHHSHH! ISSCHUUHHH!”

Each sneeze sent a bolt of lightening in a random direction. Several of those bolts hit the men who had been attacking Ryan. As Harry saw this from his position behind an over-turned table, an idea popped into his head.

“Hey Hermione! Sneeze five feet to your right!”

“AHH-ISSCHHH!”

A lightening bolt hit one of the men square in the chest as he was drawing his wand.

“Now towards the far window!”

“HII-ISCHHH ISCHHHEEWW!”

Another man who was trying to escape through the broken window was instead blasted through it.

“Now three feet in front of you!”

“Heh-ISSHH-Heh-ISSCHHH-ISCHUHH!”

Hermione rained lightening down on the two bartenders that were just recovering from being hit by their inns door.

“Alright, good work Hermione, that’s enough!”

“ISSCHHUHHH!”

“I don’t think it’s the kind of thing you can just stop.” Ron told Harry, pulling him back behind the table. However, Hermione was beginning to regain control of her nose, and the three were soon able to help Ryan up and discuss what they should next do.

“Well, one thing’s for sure” Harry looked sternly at Hermione, “You’re going back to the hospital. You’re cold is out of control, and we can’t hunt Malak and dodge lightening and wind storms at the same time.”

Hermione sniffed and agreed. Since they no longer had any leads on how to find Malak, they decided that they would rent a room at a hotel and wait for Hermione to be cured. Together they walked back to the hospital, and Hermione managed not to sneeze once during the trip. As Ryan left her room to go with the boys in search of a hotel or inn that whose inhabitants wouldn’t try to kill them, he instructed the ghosts to guard the entrance all night. Hermione blew a long, gurgling blow into several tissues and settled into bed for some well-deserved rest.

An hour later she awoke from her nap and sat up. She thought she heard a noise. She turned on the light to find Malak sitting in a chair across from her.

[Pseudosneeze]

Excellent work. The part where Harry and Ron are telling Hermione where to direct her sneezes is amusing. I can't wait to see how this develops.

[Guest Thera]

Oooh, this is hot! Very well written, can't wait for more!

[Pseudosneeze]

Oooh, this is hot! Very well written, can't wait for more!

Ditto.

[Pilgrim]

DON'T HIT! I'm sorry this took so long. I'm also sorry it's not very good, considering that it doesn't have a whole lot of what you all came here for in it...OW! I said don't hit I have good news! This will be continued in another story that I will begin writing after the new movie comes out (it being Fleur's debut and all) That's kinda what screwed me up, I had to give her part to Ginny, and then make it make sense. Any way, I only have one more chapter, which will be heavily delayed...WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THE HITTING!?! Listen, as retribution for my laziness, I'm going to write two fics within the week! One will be revealed on Halloween, and I gaurantee you'll enjoy it! Heh, if I do my job right, it might even scare you a little, bwa ha ha ha ha The other fic will be posted one week from today. You'll want to check my other topic for info on that one.

Oh, one more thing. there isn't any sneezing in this one. Please refer to the following post for that; this one is just plot points. Until we meet again!

Verse 3:

“Oh good, you’re awake.”

Hermione shook her head. She couldn’t believe that her friends were somewhere far away, and their enemy was sitting in her room.

“How…”

“Invisibility cloak. The ghosts are still chatting away in the hallway right now. I wouldn’t call for them if I were you, though.”

“Why are you here?”

“H-Heh, I’m waiting for someone. But in the meantime I thought we could have a little chat. You know, pass the time.”

Hermione sniffed and tried to comprehend what was going on. What was his plan? Who was he waiting for? She decided that now was the time to ask some questions.

“Are you working for Voldemort?”

“That egomaniacal geezer? Hardly. My little faction is as against him as your lot are.”

“Then why…”

“Oh don’t get me wrong, we’re definitely still bad guys. We just don’t want any of the other bad guys taking over before us. Or at all, actually.”

“Why did you curse me with a cold? If you could invent a spell, why not something useful? And how did you cast it anyway?”

“I cast it using Eastern Europe magic. They don’t rely on poorly conjugated Latin to cast magic. Just plain English. And I cursed you with that spell because I thought it was funny”

“You went to Hogwarts with us. Were you evil even then? What are you planning?”

“At Hogwarts I realized my power, my talent. And I realized something else too. During the years I spent there, I played the part of both the good guy and the bad guy. You wouldn’t know, I stayed out of the affairs of the more popular students most of the time. But I realized something. Being the bad guy is just much funner. When you get right down to it, evil is far more enjoyable. And what’s the point of living if you can’t have fun?”

Hermione noticed that as Malak was talking he was smiling not the smile of an evil mastermind or demented villain; it was the smile of a normal, happy person. There was no malice in it, only pure joy. She felt a shiver go down her spine as he glanced out the window near his chair.

“Well, it looks like our time is up. My date is here. But before I begin, a short prayer.”

Malak opened a book that he summoned from nowhere and opened it at a random page.

“Ah, how suitable.”

Malak got out of his seat and moved to the door. Before Hermione could react, he opened it to reveal the two ghosts guarding the hall.

“MALAK 3:16 SAYS I JUST SMOKED YOUR ASS!”

A blast of silver light shot from Malak’s wand and sent both ghosts flying and screeching through the building.

Malak quickly ducked back into the room and closed the door, then stood slightly off to the side of it. There was the sound of footsteps getting closer to the room. Then the door swung open, and was kicked back by Malak, who then spun around and opened the door while shouting

“Nasalium Sternuto!”

More light shot from Malak’s wand and blasted whoever was behind the door. He then retreated back into the room and ran to the window, which he promptly jumped out of.

Hermione stared after Malak for a little while before she realized that he must have hit someone with his spell. She rushed to her door to find Ryan helping Ginny to her feet. Ginny had an expression that Hermione recognized from a great deal of recent personal experience. She quickly stepped back behind Ryan.

“Haahh-Sheew! Eh-Shew Heh-Shew! Ah-heh-Sheew Heh-SheSheew! Ah-Heh…….Hehhhh-CHEEW! He-Cheew! Hah-Sheew! Ahhh-EHCHEEW!”

When it became obvious to Hermione and Ryan that Ginny’s fit wasn’t going to stop anytime soon, they decided to just talk over her.

“Ryan! What are you two doing here?”

“Ginny arranged to meet me at the station. She said she was going to be working with you in your search for RB”

Hermione glared at Ginny, who was too preoccupied with her fit to notice. Harry, Ron, and herself had long ago decided not to involve her in their search, though they had all feared (and half expected) that she would try to follow them.

“Well, it looks like she’ll be able to take my place in this hospital. Come on, we’ve got to go find Ron and Harry. Malak might go after them now that he knows they’re alone.”

“Oh, but they’re not alone. Bill and Fleur are with them.”

Hermione jumped. Did everyone in the whole world know where they were?

“Why are they here?”

“They said they had discovered some urgent news for you and the others.”

Hermione was deeply troubled now. What was going on that could possibly involve so many of her friends? Well, now wasn’t time to think on that now. Now was the best time to strike; with Malak out in the open.

*And now for something completely different*

“Expe-“

“Smash!”

An invisible force flew from Malak’s wand at Ron. He smashed into the wall behind him. As Fleur moved to help him Harry and Bill raced at Malak, each casting a different spell. Before either of them could finish their long Latin commands, Malak had already shouted,

“Metalingus!”

Malak became coated in a liquid-like metal, which deflected their spells. Malak then jumped back towards the exit and cried out,

“This is the end! Werewolves of London!”

A great globe of white light engulfed the room and began to shrink around Bill. Suddenly it disappeared, apparently absorbed into him. As soon as it had gone, Bill’s features began to melt, revealing a much more dog-like persona. Before long he had made a complete transformation into a Werewolf. The other occupants of the room (besides Malak, of course) stared in horror. Slowly, Bill began to move towards Harry, who was closest to him. Harry was too shocked to draw his wand in time Bill leapt and…

“Expilleramus!”

Hermione entered through a hole in the wall made by Malak earlier. She wore an expression that was a mix of indescribable rage and fear; a perfect contrast to Malak’s, who appeared to be having the time of his life.

“At last! All the pawns are here! But so many can not occupy the same space without at least one casualty. Time to even the playing field!”

Malak ducked several spells directed at him; the rest bounced off his armor. He dashed straight at Fleur and muttered,

“Rock'n Like a Hurricane!”

A huge wind enveloped everyone in the room, and when it disappeared both Fleur and Malak were gone. At that moment, Ryan entered the room.

“This…is no way to treat a church”

[Pseudosneeze]

Very interesting. Thanks for using the spell I suggested. Also, nice touch using song titles as incantations.

[Pilgrim]

You're welcome. Huh, my two posts fused into one. How odd Anyway, bonus points for anyone who can name the bands that wrote the songs I chose!

[Pseudosneeze]

Werewolves of London is by a personal favorite of mine, the late Warren Zevon.

[Pseudosneeze]

Hey, everyone. Remember this thread?

[Pseudosneeze]

Did you abandon this one, Otaku?

[Pilgrim]

No. Well yes. Sort of. I'm working on something else right now. I'll get back to this one eventually. One day inspiration for it will return. Not a very firm deadline, huh? Okay, how about this: I promise to finish this particular series before the seventh book comes out. Best I can do. Sorry.

[Pseudosneeze]

Good enough.

[Sternuto]

Hermione having helpless sneezing fits!

Thats too hot for words!

[count tiszula]

How did I miss Parts II and III first time round? Well, I thought they would be on new threads.

nyway, Magnificent! And proper magic sneezes from Hermione and Ginny, as I think I once suggested.

Rally excelllent stuff. Now If Phlegm is going to get in on the act, I hope it will be spectacular. Her nickname promises well.

But please, bring the deadline forward; and keep up the top spells..

[Pilgrim]

Yep, I'm finally continuing the Harry Potter fic I started so long ago. If you want to read that ancient (and, in hindsight, not particularly well-written) thing, just search for "Sickbed" in Stories. You're probably just fine jumping right in, though. Anyways, a couple of notes: this fic, like the previous one, will be updated in it's own topic. I repeat: all updates will come in this topic. Not a different one. Also, I'm using a, hm, particular brand of sneeze-style in this specific chapter that may put off some of you, but I won't be using it in the future, so if you don't like this one, you should still check out the future chapters. Now, let's get it started in here!

Fleur awoke chained to a stone wall in a dark room. The only light came from two torches on either side of her, and from under the door across from her. Just as she began trying to remember how it was that she had gotten there, the door opened and a dark figure walked into the room, but stayed out of the firelight.

“Good morning, sunshine. You certainly took your time about waking up. I was beginning to worry.”

“Where…” Fleur began.

“Underneath some ancient castle or another in France. Don’t worry, I cast a silencing spell to prevent us from being heard by any civilians. We can conduct our business uninterrupted.”

“What business would I have with you?”

The figure pointed at his captive.

“You came here to tell the Boy Who Lived’s traveling circus about a lead on a certain RB. I want that information. Now, if you don’t mind.”

“I’m not telling you anything. Who are you, anyways?”

“I’m not working for that lunatic Voldemort, if that’s what you’re thinking. Beyond that, I’m not really inclined to tell you. Suffice to say I’m just yet another lunatic to worry about, and that I’d like to get to our mutual…friend, RB before anyone else does. Now, about that…”

Just then, a mechanical ringing sound echoed through the stone room. The figure reached into his pocket and flipped open a cell phone.

“Yes, what is it? What? Already? I see. Well, if that’s the case then we’ll need a new plan…Yes, I know, shut up, I’m thinking. Hmmmmm…Okay, I’ve got it. Round up some pixies and meet be back here at the castle. And hurry, this is going to require expert timing if we’re to keep this our goals from getting further sand-bagged.”

The villain hung up and stepped forward towards his helpless captive while muttering something in a sing-song voice. Magically, a device Fleur couldn’t quite make out appeared in his hands. He held the instrument diagonally, and somehow produced a musical rhythm from it.

“Oooohhh Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah.”

(Anyone who comes to this board should know this song, and should be smirking right now)

***

“Whoa, wait a minute, how the hell do you know all this?”

Harry’s story had attracted a variety of listeners now, and the interrupting voice belonged to one of the newcomers.

“Well, obviously, after we rescued her, she told us what happened. Oy bartender, another!”

“Hey, don’t tell us that you rescued her! That spoils the ending!”

“Of course we rescued her! And who’s telling this story, anyways?”

“Yeah, shut up! Go on with it, Harry.”

Harry gulped from his mug.

“Right. So there like I was about to say…”

***

Harry and the others stood solemnly, staring down into the sea from the edge of the rocky cliff. Ron held his head in his hands.

“It’s a shame really. But there was no other way, I guess. Poor Bill”

“Yeah. Poor Bill.” Hermione agreed, rubbing her eyes.

“We’ll find a way to cure him, right?” Ginny asked, sniffling.

“Of course. But for right now, we can’t take chances. We just have to leave him in that underground cavern until we get Fleur back.”

(Ha! Gotcha, didn’t I? Come one, admit it. You thought I whacked him )

“Owwww, my head. Anyone got an aspirin? Being thrown into that wall gave me a splitting headache.” Ron moaned.

“Come on, guys. We’ve got to figure out a way of locating Fleur so we can get her back from that…”

And suddenly, carried by a fierce wind that echoed a voice repeating “Rock you like a hurricane”, Fleur was dropped in front of them. Hermione and Harry stood back, looking for signs of a trap, but Ron and Ginny rushed forward to pick her up off the ground.

“Fleur! Are you okay? What happened?”

As the girl of supposedly French origin was helped to her feet, she faced Ron and gasped as though struggling for air.

“Oh, I-I…ATISHOOO!!!” Fleur sneezed directly into his face. “Ah! I’b so sorry, I...ISHOO!” Fleur blushed as Ron backed up out of the line of fire. She then hid her face in the crook of her arm and sneezed machine-gun style into it.

“Ishoo Ishoo Ishoo Ishoo Ishoo ISHOOOO!!! Hiiiii-Tchoo! HI-Tchoo HI-Tchoo HI-Tchoo!!! IIIIIT-CHOOO!! Choo-Choo-Choo-Tchoo HITCHOOO!!!”

Finally, as her high-pitched storm of sneezes let up, she turned to face her friends again. The sleeve of her light-blue dress was soaked to the point of being see-though, and by the rate her nose was running, her other sleeve would soon come to outclass it. Fleur seemed too happy to be back among friends and relatives to care, however.

“AITCHOO! Oh, I’b so habby *sniff* dad ou ouer all ere *sniff sniff* I was abl oo escabe rob dad rodden wizard by copeyig dat buoy’s spell, ad...ahhh…old od…ITCHOO ITCHOO ITCHOO!” Fleur sneezed onto her sleeve, forming a thread of mucous that hung delicately out of her left nostril and dangled in the wind. Mortified, Fleur searched in vain for something to use as a handkerchief. Ginny quickly moved forward and handed her own (somewhat used) frilly pink cloth, which Fleur blew wetly yet almost silently into. She smiled in thanks and continued with her story.

“Adyway, we bust boove fad, dey’re pladding sobdig derrible, I’b certaid. Dey’re bayse is uder a casdle bag id by hobelad.”

Harry and the others stared at Fleur in shocked silence. They were frozen for two reasons: One, that such a routinely graceful and elegant creature as Bill’s wife could be reduced to such a sickly, snotty mess, and two: that while they were quite certain she was speaking English, they had absolutely no idea what she was saying. For while the group could understand speech filtered through either a very stuffy nose or a heavy foreign accent, they could not even begin to comprehend a voice hindered by both. For some time, the silence persisted; the only audible sounds were the wind and the near-constant sniffling from Fleur.

“Bloody Hell! It’s like she’s speaking in tongues!” Ron exclaimed, finally breaking the spell.

“Wait, maybe if she just says a few words, not an entire monologue.” Hermione suggested. Harry nodded and stepped up.

“Uh, Fleur? Could you repeat where Malak is, slowly?”

“Ee es…EETCHOO! Ed a basebent uder a casdle id Barry.” the sick girl replied, retreating back to her handkerchief afterwards to relieve her overflowing nose.

“Yeah, totally didn’t get a word of that.” Ginny sighed, then sneezed several times into the hands that had formerly possessed her handkerchief.

“Ugh, does anyone else have a hankie?” she sniffled, wiping her hands on her green sweater.

“Okay, enough of this nonsense. Let’s get to the Sickbed before we all end up sneezing our brains out. Fleur can write out where we need to go there, and we can drop her and Ginny off in the care of Ryan…”

“Hey! Why am I getting left out? I may be a little under the weatherrrrRRRaaaaa-Cheew! Ha-Shew Ah-Shew Ah-CHEEW! Haah-Chew Eh-chew Eh-chew!!! *sniff* Okay, a lot under the weather, but I’m still in better shape than her! And at least my sneezes don’t blow things up” Ginny added, shooting a look at Hermione, who blushed in response.

“You’re not even supposed to be here in the first place!” Harry cried, more in frustration than anger. “You’re supposed to be at school, building a future, and so on, not saving the world! That’s our job!”

“But that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone.” Ginny replied, stepping closer to Harry. They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, then embraced each other in a passionate kiss. Hermione put her hand over her heart and sighed, while Ron placed a hand on his temple and muttered something like “Ow, my head.”

But, even as this Kodak moment climaxed, Ginny felt a fierce tickle erupt in her nose, and before she could pull back entirely, she sneezed onto Harry’s shoulder.

“Heh-Chew Heh-Chew Hah-Sheew! Oh, I’m sorry, I…”

“That’s quite alright. Yours is all from a sneeze spell, so I’m sure it’s not contagious.” He smiled at her, and was about to return to where they’d left off when Hermione suddenly began shouting.

“Wait a minute, a spell! What if Malak cursed Fleur with something that was contagious? What if he knew she might escape, and wanted to make us all sick again?”

The group turned to look at Fleur, then at Ron.

“What?”

“If Hermione’s right, and in all probability, she is, then you’ve got to stay with Fleur in case you’ve been infected or something.” His best friend explained, backing away slowly.

“Hey, wait just a minute…”

“Look at it this way: someone should stay back to watch over Fleur anyways.” Ginny said, smiling at her boyfriend. “Now you have to take me with you, to replace Ron.”

Harry sighed, “Fine, you can come with us.”

“Oh, don’t act so disappointed, Harry, we all know you want Ginny with us so you can spend all your time snogging her.”

“Hey, that’s my sister you’re talking about!” Ron yelled jokingly. Fleur rolled her eyes.

“Cad we blease ged goig sood? I’b freezig!” She complained, shivering.

“Uh, yeah, sure. Let’s go gang!” Harry took Ginny’s hand and marched off as the clouds parted and the sun beamed down at the happy couple and their friends. While Fleur was grateful for the warmth, the sudden light tickled her nose and she was launched into another messy sneezing fit.

“Hiiiii-Itchoo! HITICHOO!!! Itshoo Itshoo It-TSHOOO! Oh, dis code! Ishoo Shoo Shoo ITSHOO!!!”

Ron whispered in Hermione’s ear, “Well, you can’t argue that ol’ Phlegm is living up to her namesake, eh?” Hermione giggled in response, despite a vain effort not to, and after looking Ron in the eyes, grabbed his hand and followed Harry and Ginny back from the cliff side into town.

[Blah!?]

YEAHOO!!!!!!

There's not much else I can say...

[Frostybite]

Interesting. Glad to see you back writing again. Where is this first story anyway? It sounds like it is at least worth looking over right? Anyway, as always. I appreciate your work.

[sarub2]

Excellent! I'm so glad you decided to continue this!

[Pseudosneeze]

A sneezing woman with a stuffy nose and a French accent. A sexy combination, but any chance of understanding a word she says is tossed straight out the window. Good work, Otaku.

[sneezinglover]

Awesome stuff! thanks! now we just need hermione to sneeze........